Collection of Lame Jokes

[IMP]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me, though... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day this 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister!

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door...

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

But, lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me, and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

 

[DaveC426913]

A traveling salesman had his car break down on a country road at night in a rainstorm. He trudged a few miles until he came upon a farm. He knocked on the door of the farmhouse and an old man answered. He asked if he could stay the night.

The farmer said: "Well, my beautiful sex-hungry young wife died last year, and I have a voluptuous teenaged daughter but she has cold sores and terrible body odor so she sleeps in the barn. So, actually, there's plenty of room for you to come in and sleep."

The salesman turned around and started back out into the rain.

The farmer called after him "Where you going? Didn't I tell you I have plenty of room?"

The salesman called back over his shoulder "Thanks, but I think I'm in the wrong joke."

 

[Borek]

Protons have mass? I didn't even know that they were Catholic.

 

[dkotschessaa]

Q: How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children?
A: "If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."

 

[Isaacsname]

A priest was running from a Lion at full speed, then he stopped, got to his knees and started praying,

" Our father who art in heaven, please convert this lion into a Christian so he won't eat me. "

when the Lion saw this, he stopped and started praying, " Our father who art in heaven, bless this food which I am about to receive. "

 

[Isaacsname]

At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster
purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete pr*ck!"

 

[Nikitin]

i was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and i had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me, though... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and i always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day this 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when i arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before i got married and committed my life to her sister!

Well, i was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "i'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

i was stunned and frozen in shock as i watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door...

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

But, lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me, and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

and the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

ahahaha I love this, hilarious!

 

[IMP]

The difference between women and men, explained:


Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting strange. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset by the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;

He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.

But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.


Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

 

[drizzle]

 

[IMP]

A repeat but worth it:

A Letter to the Men's Help Line:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

 

[Char. Limit]

A repeat but worth it:

A Letter to the Men's Help Line:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

Don't worry, it can be welded.

 

[jtbell]

What does a snail say while riding a turtle?

"Whee!"

 

[dkotschessaa]

What does a snail say while riding a turtle?

"Whee!"

I love those kinda jokes.

 

[Lancelot59]

I moustache you a question. But I'll shave it for later.

 

[HeLiXe]

The difference between women and men, explained

OMG this was soooo good!

 

[Lancelot59]

I came across this earlier today:

[PLAIN]http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/demotivational-posters-seems-legit7.jpg

 

[BobG]

I came across this earlier today:

The funniest thing about that is the time I spent trying to figure out whether that was first base, second base, or third base. I had to look at it for a bit before I realized it was a mattress. It made a lot more sense, then.

 

[dkotschessaa]

The funniest thing about that is the time I spent trying to figure out whether that was first base, second base, or third base. I had to look at it for a bit before I realized it was a mattress. It made a lot more sense, then.

Well we used to call that a home run I believe...

 

[Lancelot59]

Well we used to call that a home run I believe...

Correct, although the definitions have changed a little. See Urban Dictionary.

 

[claire-maree]

what do you call a sick crocidile?
an illigator

 

[claire-maree]

I came across this earlier today:

[PLAIN]http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/demotivational-posters-seems-legit7.jpg[/QUOTE]

that is crazy

 

[claire-maree]

why do gorillias have big nostrils?

because they have big fingers.

 

[IMP]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a great personality."

 

[IMP]

A woman, three months pregnant, falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakens and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.

"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."

"Oh no, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"

"Denise," the doctor replies.

Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"

The doctor answers, "Denephew."

 

[Adyssa]

Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving nearly-raw juicy bacon, all sorts of bacon.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!"

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.

His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe! Pepe! Que pasa hombre?"

With his last breath Pepe calls out:
"Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree... ... ees a ham bush!"

 

[Ivan Seeking]

My mother called me last week and was saying that with dad gone now, she needs a new purpose. With the understanding that this sort of smart*** response strikes at the core of her sense of humor, I sent her this. She loved it.

[PLAIN]http://blackberryavenuegiftshoppe.com/38996.jpg

 

[DaveC426913]

OK...

Two years ago, my hallowe'en costume consisted of a business suit - not one I wore, but one I carried on a hanger. The pants had the "legs" split and then re-sewn together into a single fat "fuselage". The jacket had a vertical slit in the back with a large hole between the shoulder blades.

When anyone asked me about my costume, I would look at it, shrug and say...

"I know it's not much. But it suits my porpoise."

 

[OmCheeto]

With the understanding that this sort of smart*** response strikes at the core of her sense of humor, I sent her this. She loved it.

Ditto the time I asked a friend what she wanted for Christmas, and told me she wanted "World Peace".

Oooookkkkkayyyyyy...

 

[gatztopher]

<deadpan>Get ready, we're about to arrive at the Ha family reunion.</deadpan>

Did you hear about Porky Pig's Spanish, philosophical cousin, Porque?

I was at the department store, thinking about shoplifting a sweater. My logic was why swipe the card again, when I could swipe the cardigan.

I'm so good at martial arts, I can punch with my foot. *kicks*

 

[McLaren Rulez]

Who's in for a game of rape?

No? That's the spirit!