Collection of Lame Jokes

[DaveC426913]

Who's in for a game of rape?

No? That's the spirit!

This is funny how?

 

[Isaacsname]

What's the worst thing a sadist can do to a masochist ?

..pretend to enjoy it...

 

[DaveC426913]

What's the worst thing a sadist can do to a masochist ?

..pretend to enjoy it...

Uhh. Corrected:


What's the worst thing a masochist can do to a sadist ?

..pretend to enjoy it...

 

[Isaacsname]

Uhh. Corrected:


What's the worst thing a masochist can do to a sadist ?

..pretend to enjoy it...

Yes, but the masochist derives pleasure from thinking about the sadist getting off.

...wait...

Ok, forget it.

Did you hear about the leper who was playing poker ?

He threw his hand in.

 

[IMP]

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still looking at his thumb.

 

[Isaacsname]

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still looking at his thumb.

I guess shortening my fingers won't help ?

 

[Char. Limit]

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still looking at his thumb.

...my god, that big huh?

*has huge thumbs*

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Which joint of the thumb do you use as a reference?

 

[WhoWee]

Which joint of the thumb do you use as a reference?

My thumb's been numb for about a week - NOW - I'm worried about it.

 

[Char. Limit]

Which joint of the thumb do you use as a reference?

I was going all the way from nail-tip to the second joint. Which I checked, and it's accurate... well, kinda. A little on the small side.

 

[IMP]

I was going all the way from nail-tip to the second joint. Which I checked, and it's accurate... well, kinda. A little on the small side.

Good idea, think I am going to grow out my thumb nail. Will measure in a month or two...

 

[Ken Natton]

I must give all due credit here to Eddie Izzard from whom this gem is stolen. I trust that this is sufficiently obscure a location to repeat it not to undermine his opportunity to continue to use it in his live show.


It is clear that Jesus was actually God’s seventh son….

1. A-sus
2. B-sus
3. C-sus
4. D-sus
5. E-sus
6. F-sus
7. G-sus

 

[QuarkCharmer]

Consult a physician for thumbs-ups lasting more than 4 hours...

 

[Jayshardzz]

im new... hope u guys lik tis

What the difference between a fly and a mosquito?


A: mosquito cn fly but fly cannt mosquito...

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

The meanings of film ratings.

G - The hero gets the girl.
R - The bad guy gets the girl.
X - Everybody gets the girl.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

The meanings of film ratings.

G - The hero gets the girl.
R - The bad guy gets the girl.
X - Everybody gets the girl.

XX - The girl gets the girl

 

[IMP]

Rupert Murdoch was quoted today as saying he is deeply touched by all the messages of support left on Amy Winehouse's phone.

 

[Isaacsname]

What did the spider say to the fly ?

" Omnomnomnom "

What did the fly say to the spider ?

" Holy sh*t ! A talking spider !"

 

[khemist]

Why did the white bear dissolve in water?

Because it was polar.

 

[Lancelot59]

Why did the white bear dissolve in water?

Because it was polar.

HA! That's both terrible and great at the same time.

 

[danyo]

So I told some physicists a Chemistry joke, but there was no reaction.

Now now, I'd tell more chemistry jokes, but the good ones are "Argon" =(

 

[genepool]

A chemist,an engineer and a lawyer are discussing their achievements together.
The chemist says "I crossed graphite and silicone and produced a revolutionary lubricant, made millions in sales"
The engineer says "I crossed titanium and aluminium to form an incredible lightweight material, made millions in patents"
The lawyer says "I crossed the street riding a bike and fell in a manhole, made millions suing the city"

 

[WhoWee]

A chemist,an engineer and a lawyer are discussing their achievements together.
The chemist says "I crossed graphite and silicone and produced a revolutionary lubricant, made millions in sales"
The engineer says "I crossed titanium and aluminium to form an incredible lightweight material, made millions in patents"
The lawyer says "I crossed the street riding a bike and fell in a manhole, made millions suing the city"

...and the Congressman standing nearby chimed in
"I promise the voters anything they want - and my pay and benefits are worth millions too".

 

[enigma]

What is it called when you have second thoughts about booking a trip to a Native American village?

Spoiler

A reservation reservation reservation

 

[Ivan Seeking]

A heart transplant patient was waiting for a donor heart. The doctor walks in one day and announces that they've found a heart! In fact two donor hearts had come available at the same time. The doctor explained that one was from an 19 year old athlete, and the other was from a 50 year old lawyer. Without hesistation, the patient declares that he wants the one from the lawyer. "Why?" asked the doctor. The lawyer was thirty years older than the athlete. And the athlete was in excellent shape". "Sure" said the patient, "but the heart from a lawyer is clearly the best choice - it has never been used".

 

[Isaacsname]

A chemist,an engineer and a lawyer are discussing their achievements together.
The chemist says "I crossed graphite and silicone and produced a revolutionary lubricant, made millions in sales"
The engineer says "I crossed titanium and aluminium to form an incredible lightweight material, made millions in patents"
The lawyer says "I crossed the street riding a bike and fell in a manhole, made millions suing the city"

Fitting that the suer falls into the sewer.

 

[qspeechc]

If you want lame...

Q: What do you do with a dog with no legs?
A: Take it for a drag.

So Arnold Schwartzenneger (who really knows how to spell it anyway) is cast in a new Hollywood movie as a famous composer. The directors ask Arnold who he would like to play.

Directors: So, Arnold, would you like to be Mozart?

Arnold: Nein!

D: Beethoven?

A: Nein!

D: Tchaikovsky?

A: Nein!

D: Then who would you like to play?

A: I'll be Bach!

(Ahem)

 

[Char. Limit]

If you want lame...

Q: What do you do with a dog with no legs?
A: Take it for a drag.

So Arnold Schwartzenneger (who really knows how to spell it anyway) is cast in a new Hollywood movie as a famous composer. The directors ask Arnold who he would like to play.

Directors: So, Arnold, would you like to be Mozart?

Arnold: Nein!

D: Beethoven?

A: Nein!

D: Tchaikovsky?

A: Nein!

D: Then who would you like to play?

A: I'll be Bach!

(Ahem)

Schwarzenegger. It's easy if you know German.

 

[jtbell]

Did you know that a certain cosmetics firm once used traces of rare-earth elements in their perfumes? One of their advertising slogans was "Promethium anything, but give her Arpége."

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Growing older is weird. I told my wife I have never been bald before and she showed me a few new wrinkles.