Collection of Lame Jokes

[Isaacsname]

If you want lame...

Q: What do you do with a dog with no legs?
A: Take it for a drag.

So Arnold Schwartzenneger (who really knows how to spell it anyway) is cast in a new Hollywood movie as a famous composer. The directors ask Arnold who he would like to play.

Directors: So, Arnold, would you like to be Mozart?

Arnold: Nein!

D: Beethoven?

A: Nein!

D: Tchaikovsky?

A: Nein!

D: Then who would you like to play?

A: I'll be Bach!

(Ahem)

Amadeus, don't tread on me.

(Ahem, get it ? )

 

[Isaacsname]

Amadeus, don't tread on me.

(Ahem, get it ? )

" I'm a dais, don't tread on me "

Ok...what do you call a fish with no eyes ?

...fssshhh

 

[Lancelot59]

" I'm a dais, don't tread on me "

Ok...what do you call a fish with no eyes ?

...fssshhh

HA! I get it...

 

[DaveC426913]

" I'm a dais, don't tread on me "

What's a dais?

[EDIT] Huh. I always assumed it was spelled dias, since that's the way I pronounce it.

Anyway, OK, that's lame.

 

[IMP]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.


The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.


The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.


Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.


As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.


Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wipe your nose and then shudder violently. Are you OK?"


"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."


The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"




The woman nodded, "Pepper."

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

That reminds me of this quote:

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

 

[FlexGunship]

Okay, all... this is a JOKE; a Jackie Martling original. That's my disclaimer. Done.

This guy walks into a pub and sees a turtle on the bar. The turtle looks old, beaten, and is covered in bandages; just completely wrapped up. The guy walks over to the bar and asks the bartender: "What's with the turtle?"

The bartender replies: "Well, that's the fastest turtle in the world, right there. If you've got a dog, bring him in, I'll bet you $100 my turtle can cross the room faster than your dog."

Well, the guy thinks $100 is a lot of money, but there's no way a turtle is faster than his dog and, worst case, he sees a freakishly fast turtle. He leaves the bar and brings his dog back and they set up for the race.

The bartender holds his turtle in front of him with two hands and the guy holds his dog back by the collar with two hands. The bartender says: "3... 2... 1... GO!"

And on "GO", the man releases his dog, and the bartender punts the turtle across the room.​

 

[Isaacsname]

Roses are red
Violets are blue
...ws gng t fnsh ths pm bt smbdy stl th vwls frm m kbrd...fck

 

[Lancelot59]

Roses are red
Violets are blue
...ws gng t fnsh ths pm bt smbdy stl th vwls frm m kbrd...fck

On that subject:
[PLAIN]http://chzragecomics.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/rage-comics-not-even-a-kiss.jpg

 

[gravenewworld]

 

[DaveC426913]

On that subject:
[PLAIN]http://chzragecomics.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/rage-comics-not-even-a-kiss.jpg[/QUOTE]

I just don't get these. I never think these are funny.

 

[Evo]

That's great!

 

[Isaacsname]

Brace yourself..


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEPPbONFXYc

 

[DaveC426913]

Brace yourself..


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEPPbONFXYc

OK. I'm braced...

 

[Isaacsname]

Well, that was anticlimactic. I was trying to post some nice relaxing tunes.

 

[FeDeX_LaTeX]

When is a function not a function?

When it's the Dirac delta function.

 

[jtbell]

Did you hear about the psychiatrist and the proctologist who opened a joint practice? They called it "Odds and Ends."

 

[Isaacsname]

Did you hear about the psychiatrist and the proctologist who opened a joint practice? They called it "Odds and Ends."

I can see how that would work.

I would need some therapy after a visit with the proctologist.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Did you hear about the psychiatrist and the proctologist who opened a joint practice? They called it "Odds and Ends."

Heads or tails?

Have you ever wondered what drives a person to become a proctologist? When I was a kid, I liked playing with engines and electronics, my chemistry set, and anything that looked technical. This was certainly predictive of my future interests. As for proctologists, what did they play with as kids?

Here kitty kitty kitty?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wipe your nose and then shudder violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

I laughed when I read this.

Whenever I talk with my elderly mother I try to have a joke at the ready to cheer her up. She loves a good joke. I considered telling her this one but thought it was a bit on the dicey side. However, my mother has never been a shrinking violet, and when we spoke she was feeling a bit depressed, so I decided to give it a go. I hardly got started when she interrupted me saying that she's heard it before - from a priest!

 

[DaveC426913]

Did you hear about the psychiatrist and the proctologist who opened a joint practice? They called it "Odds and Ends."

So this gynaecologist decides he wants to become an engine mechanic...

 

[BobG]

Heads or tails?

Have you ever wondered what drives a person to become a proctologist? When I was a kid, I liked playing with engines and electronics, my chemistry set, and anything that looked technical. This was certainly predictive of my future interests. As for proctologists, what did they play with as kids?

Here kitty kitty kitty?

When people at a party find out you're an engineer, they usually say they thought about becoming an engineer, but decided not to because they weren't any good at math. I wonder what they say when they find out a person is a proctologist? (probably not "Let me shake your hand!")

 

[FlexGunship]

When people at a party find out you're an engineer, they usually say they thought about becoming an engineer, but decided not to because they weren't any good at math. I wonder what they say when they find out a person is a proctologist?

"Oh, you're a proctologist? I never, even for a brief glimmer of a moment, remotely considered becoming a proctologist."

 

[Borek]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Poor proctologists; always the butt of the joke.

If you want to logon to the proctologists network, just type C: [Enter]

 

[Isaacsname]

The Redneck Medical Dictionary:

Artery- The study of paintings.
Bacteria- Back door to cafeteria.
Barium- What doctors do when patients die.
Benign- What you be after you be eight.
Catscan- Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize- Made eye contact with her.
Cesarean Section- A neighborhood in Rome.
Colic- A sheep dog.
Coma- A punctuation mark.
D&C- Where Washington is.
Dilate- To live long.
Enema- Not a friend.
Fester- Quicker than someone else.
Fibula- A small lie.
Genital- Non-Jewish person.
G.I.Series- World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail- What you hang your coat on.
Impotent- Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain- Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff- A Doctor's cane.
Morbid- A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates- Cheaper than day rates.
Node- I knew it.
Outpatient- A person who has fainted.
Ovaries- You get to try again.
Pap Smear- A fatherhood test.
Pelvis- Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative- A letter carrier.
Recovery Room- Place to do upholstery.
Rectum- Dang near killed him.
Secretion- Hiding something.
Seizure- Roman emperor.
Tablet- A small table.
Terminal Illness- Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor- More than one.
Urine- Opposite of you're out.
Varicose- Near by/close by.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to
take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was
discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely
interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does
physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school," replied
the professor.

----

 

[jtbell]

Archduke Otto von Habsburg, who died recently at the age of 98, was once told about an upcoming Austria-Hungary football (soccer) match. His response: "Who are we playing?"

 

[OmCheeto]

One of my facebook friends posted the following this morning:

Today my sweet little angle turns 9, Happy Birthday Ty!

My response:

Hes acute little angle. :)

 

[Char. Limit]

One of my facebook friends posted the following this morning:



My response:

I like this post.