Collection of Lame Jokes

[jtbell]

Who is the head of Teheran's parking enforcement squad?

The I'll-a-tow-yah.

 

[OmCheeto]

You can't run through a campground.
You can only ran.

Because it's past tents.

 

[lisab]

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?

Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.

 

[DaveC426913]

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?

Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.

Gonna use this one on my next dive. :)

 

[OmCheeto]

Gonna use this one on my next dive. :)

These are supposed to be lame jokes.
I laughed so hard, picturing people in scuba gear falling forward into the boat.

 

[jtbell]

What did Linda see when she took her cat to the beach on Christmas Eve?

Spoiler

Sandy claws.

 

[PWiz]

Why can't you play dubsteps aboard the ISS?

Because you can't "drop" the bass.

 

[OmCheeto]

Rumour hath it, that there ith a ferry at the end of thith avenue.

 

[jtbell]

2th Avenue is the perfect address for a dentist's office.

 

[OCR]

2th Avenue is the perfect address for a dentist's office.

Lol, not bad...

 

[nuuskur]

What is claustrophobia?
It's the fear of closed spaces, like when you are going to the shop for some booze, but are afraid that the shop is closed.

 

[DaveC426913]

The main function of the propeller on a plane is to cool the pilot.

If the propeller stops, you'll see him start to sweat.

 

[FeDeX_LaTeX]

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

 

[jtbell]

Have you ever heard of zebra baseball?

Three stripes and you're out.

 

[jtbell]

What's the biggest kind of fish in Panama?

Spoiler

Lox.

 

[Isaacsname]

Anybody in here lose a cat ?

 

[Isaacsname]

What do you call a Donkey with three legs ?

A Wonkey

 

[jtbell]

Where do ghosts, goblins and zombies go for a cruise on Halloween?

Spoiler

The Eerie Canal.

 

[Isaacsname]

Fair enough, I can see I need to up the... bar

Venus Jupiter and Mars walk into a bar

The bartender says; " why the long face Jupiter ? "

Jupiter turns to the bartender after looking at his compatriots and says; " I've got 63 little ones running circles around me day in day out, which by the way is only about 9 hours. No one ever talks about my rings like they do some other planets. I've had the same red spot on my bottom side for about 350 years, and every planet says " I have an icy cold metal heart "

" Do you have any other brilliant questions ? "

The bartender turns to Mars and Venus and says "I would have guessed it was the elongated orbital period." Venus and Mars both chuckle as Jupiter stares at the bartender with disdain

 

[DaveC426913]

I walked into a library and asked for a book on Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat.

The librarian said "The name rings a bell but I don't know if we have it or not."

 

[Isaacsname]

I heard it was Schrodinger's litter box that presented more of a problem

 

[Borg]

Only if he looked.

 

[jtbell]

What kind of music does a zombie banjo band play on Halloween?

Spoiler

Boograss.

 

[Isaacsname]

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Not half as bad as the mathematician who couldn't make it to the restroom in time

He had to use the floor function

 

[nuuskur]

Not half as bad as the mathematician who couldn't make it to the restroom in time

He had to use the floor function

Jesus christ! :D

 

[Isaacsname]

Jesus christ! :D

told you I'd be back :P

 

[PWiz]

Why can't bicycles stand on their own?
It's because they're two tired.

 

[PWiz]

Why did the computer crash?

It's driver was going too fast.

 

[JorisL]

Some of the high school textbooks around here are called Quark.
So when some other students (teaching degree) were considering ordering a set of those I couldn't help myself.

I had to ask if you could get them separately. They probably didn't get it.
Could've asked if they were in colour now I think about it.

 

[jtbell]

What do you call a fear of fat men with white beards, wearing red suits?

Spoiler

Claustrophobia

 

[Ibix]

I was cooking earlier, and my six year old (he's younger than this thread...) wanted me to help him find some toy or other. But the sauce was boiling and the pasta was boiling over so I told him he'd have to look for himself. He asked me why he should look for his own body.

I started to explain that I just meant he needed to do his own searching, but then I noticed the huge grin on his face. So I turned all the rings down to minimum and went and gave him a hug. His first lame joke! I'm so proud!

 

[dkotschessaa]

I was cooking earlier, and my six year old (he's younger than this thread...) wanted me to help him find some toy or other. But the sauce was boiling and the pasta was boiling over so I told him he'd have to look for himself. He asked me why he should look for his own body.

I started to explain that I just meant he needed to do his own searching, but then I noticed the huge grin on his face. So I turned all the rings down to minimum and went and gave him a hug. His first lame joke! I'm so proud!

That goes on the list of remembrances next to "first steps!"

 

[WWGD]

At the entrance of the vaccination office: "TB or not TB, that is the question".

 

[nuuskur]

At the entrance of the vaccination office: "TB or not TB, that is the question".

That is clever :D

 

[mfb]

And the answer is yes.

 

[Psinter]

 

[DaveC426913]

BWAWAAHH! That's not lame, that made me laugh out loud!

 

[nuuskur]

let that sink in :D :D

 

[cobalt124]

At the entrance of the vaccination office: "TB or not TB, that is the question".

Tubby, or not Tubby, fat is the question.

 

[dkotschessaa]

Most of the jokes on this thread are not truly lame.

A truly lame joke is one that simply comes to one at some dull moment, as when I was getting off an elevator last night. It is more of a joke that should not even be said.. But I'll say it anyway:

Q: What did Bach say in a previous life?
A: "I'll be Bach."

::takes a deep bow::

 

[mfb]

You carnot reduce entropy.Works better if you don't know the French pronunciation.

 

[jtbell]

Which door would you choose?

 

[MostlyHarmless]

What's purple and commutes?

An abelian grape.

 

[Rx7man]

Some of Beethoven's contemporaries were visiting his grave after his death when they heard some really strange music... they pondered this and tried to understand it, when one of them said "Oh, it's his 7th symphony played backward... he's decomposing!"

 

[Rx7man]

Some more groaners... and these are courtesy of my ex girlfriend's best friend, who really wasn't terribly bright... they aren't quite jokes, but they are sure groaners.

One day she was really thirsty... and she said she was 'perched'.
Another time she took a shower, and afterward she said she felt 'rejubilated'

 

[gjonesy]

Super bowl joke,

How do you choke a Carolina panther?

Feed him some bronco! Lol

 

[DrGreg]

Which door would you choose?

You can do the same joke with Hamlet's pencil.

 

[Ibix]

You can do the same joke with Hamlet's pencil.

B{2}|[^B]{2}

...for those that can read regexes.

 

[mfb]

But "AB" are not two B.
B{2}|.[^B]|[^B].
Or, shorter: ..

 

[Ibix]

But "AB" are not two B.

...is not two B? Ain't not two B? Be not two B?

B{2}|.[^B]|[^B].

I knew there was a better one than mine.

Or, shorter: ..

Heh.