Collection of Lame Jokes

[jtbell]

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

Spoiler

One is heavy and the other is a little lighter.

 

[DaveC426913]

Q: Two cats were crossing a river - one named 'One Two Three' and the other named 'Un Deux Trios'. Which one made it?

Spoiler: A:

A: 'One Two Three' - because the Un Deux Trois Cat Sank.

 

[DaveC426913]

Two wrongs don't make a Right but Three Rights Do Make a Left .

Even more succinct:

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

 

[DaveC426913]

That is so good, OCD and Paranoid made my day :D

Excuse me. It's actually CDO.
Same as OCD, just with the letters in the right order.
As. They. Should. Be.

 

[DrClaude]

Excuse me. It's actually CDO.
Same as OCD, just with the letters in the right order.
As. They. Should. Be.

Yeah, I never understood what the big fuss with novels is all about. I much prefer dictionaries, where the same words are in alphabetical order

 

[Ibix]

Yeah, I never understood what the big fuss with novels is all about. I much prefer dictionaries, where the same words are in alphabetical order

This is not a lame joke. This is science history. Hooke published his eponymous law this way at first, in Latin.

 

[gjonesy]

...is not two B? Ain't not two B? Be not two B?

Guess that's the question then huh?

Some would say, YEP

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die

 

[Psinter]

 

[Psinter]

You and I are like parallel lines.

Spoiler

We have so much in common, but we will never meet.

It's either lame or sad. I don't know.

 

[mfb]

Spoiler

Take the geometry of a sphere, then all lines meet :).

 

[DaveC426913]

Spoiler

Take the geometry of a sphere, then all lines meet :).

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You may learn something.

But the frog dies.

 

[fresh_42]

One for mathematicians.

Q: What's the difference between a crocodile?
A:

Spoiler

Between a crocodile and what?

Q:

Spoiler

Between a crocodile.

A:

Spoiler

I don't know.

Q:

Spoiler

The longer the bite!

Q:

Spoiler

And what's the difference between a hippo?

A:

Spoiler

The heavier the ? I don't know.

Q:

Spoiler

Well, you can't know. The hippo has no difference.

Q:

Spoiler

And what's the difference between a crocodile and a hippo?

A:

Spoiler

Tell!

Q:

Spoiler

Easy: the crocodile has a difference and the hippo has not.

 

[lisab]

Did you hear Donald Trump vowed to ban selling pre-shredded cheese if he becomes President?

Spoiler

He wants to make America grate again.

 

[Ibix]

Waiter! Waiter! My coffee tastes like mud!

Yes sir. It was only ground this morning...

 

[fresh_42]

Waiter! Waiter! I cannot eat this soup?

Why Sir? Isn't it hot enough? May I bring you another?

No, I have no spoon.

 

[Ibix]

Waiter! Waiter! What's this fly doing in my soup?

Um... it looks like it's doing the back stroke, sir.

 

[256bits]

Waiter! Waiter! There's a hare in my salad.

Oh! Thankyou, sir. We will put him back in his cage.

 

[OmCheeto]

 

[DaveC426913]

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they

Spoiler: Wait for it...

lactose.

 

[DaveC426913]

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?

Spoiler: :rimshot:

Dubai don't watch The Flintstones.
But Abu Dhabi do!

 

[davenn]

those are bad, @DaveC426913 hahahaha

 

[dkotschessaa]

From Historian Mary Beard, (awesome lady) I recently learned that many jokes from Ancient Rome are preserved Perhaps lame by today's standards, though I rather like them:

http://www.theguardian.com/books/2009/mar/13/roman-joke-book-beard

...Beard's favourite joke is a version of the Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman variety, with a barber, a bald man and an absent-minded professor taking a journey together. They have to camp overnight, so decide to take turns watching the luggage. When it's the barber's turn, he gets bored, so amuses himself by shaving the head of the professor. When the professor is woken up for his shift, he feels his head, and says "How stupid is that barber? He's woken up the bald man instead of me."

My favorite:
Another "identity" joke sees a man meet an acquaintance and say "it's funny, I was told you were dead". He says "well, you can see I'm still alive." But the first man disputes this on the grounds that "the man who told me you were dead is much more reliable than you".

 

[jtbell]

Have you heard about the name of the new Indiana Jones movie with Harrison Ford?

Spoiler

Raiders of the Lost AARP

 

[davenn]

Have you heard about the name of the new Indiana Jones movie with Harrison Ford?

I had to google the meaning of the acronym ;)

 

[Sophia]

-Mum, can I wear a bra now that I'm 15?

- No, Joseph.

 

[Psinter]

When chemists die, they barium.

Spoiler: I don't get it

Saw this while surfing the net. It's supposed to be a pun, but I don't get it. Been thinking for a while, still nothing. Looks like my General Chemistry I and II aren't enough for me to get this.

 

[Ibix]

Barium → bury 'em → bury them.

 

[Psinter]

Barium → bury 'em → bury them.

Aaaaaaaaaaa! It's not lame anymore.

 

[Ibix]

Aaaaaaaaaaa! It's not lame anymore.

It so is. Somewhere upthread, there's a picture of Chemistry Cat (a Blofeld type furry cat in glasses and a labcoat) telling it, which is even lamer.

 

[Psinter]

It so is. Somewhere upthread, there's a picture of Chemistry Cat (a Blofeld type furry cat in glasses and a labcoat) telling it, which is even lamer.

Chemistry cat gives lots of lame lols. Just googled Chemistry Cat and found:

Tell me a sodium joke.

And

 

[Pepper Mint]

What can I say ? the youngest at that time now reached late 40s and all others middle to late 50s. But true, Na has always been an exciting chemical element to play with in high school, from which kind of sick but beautiful concoctions can be obtained by multiple reactions with not one, but many other metals.

 

[Ibix]

Googling for philosoraptor is also a good source of lame jokes - got that one from this thread too, I think.

 

[Psinter]

Googling for philosoraptor is also a good source of lame jokes - got that one from this thread too, I think.

So many lame jokes. Alright, I'll re-post this one that google threw at my face and go to sleep:

Source

 

[mfb]

I wanted to post another lame chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon.

And have been since 2011.[/size]

 

[Ibix]

I wanted to post another lame chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon.

And have been since 2011.

Here are all the ones FlexGunship provided[/quote].

 

[jtbell]

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CdJ9zOdWIAAUBdA.jpg

 

[Ibix]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Terwitter
Terwitter who?
I didn't know you spoke owl...

 

[DrGreg]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Terwitter
Terwitter who?
I didn't know you spoke owl...

That reminds me.

What was the owl's telephone extension number?

Spoiler

2820

Spoiler: I don't get it

This assumes you pronounce "0" as "oh"

(That also works for PIN number.)

 

[Ibix]

Knock knock
Who's there?
Oink
Oink who?
Make up your mind - are you a pig oran owl?

 

[jtbell]

What does a chemist do when he's drilling for oil and hasn't found any yet?

Spoiler

Boron.

 

[DaveC426913]

That reminds me.

What was the owl's telephone extension number?

Spoiler

2820

Spoiler: I don't get it

This assumes you pronounce "0" as "oh"

(That also works for PIN number.)

I still don't get it. :(

 

[Psinter]

I still don't get it. :(

Me neither. We are in the same boat.

 

[Ibix]

I still don't get it. :(

Two eight two oh isn't too far from twit twoo.

Psinter - this is the canonical noise of an owl in English, although many don't make anything like this sound.

 

[DaveC426913]

First Mate: "Captain! Enemy ship on the horizon, approaching fast!"
Captain: "Cabin Boy! Fetch me my Red Coat."
First Mate: "I've always wondered Captain, why the red coat when we go into battle?"
Captain: "So the enemy can't see my blood stains."

First Mate: "Captain! Twenty more enemy ships on the horizon, approaching fast!"
Captain: "Cabin Boy! Fetch me my Brown Pants."

 

[DaveC426913]

Two eight two oh isn't too far from twit twoo.

Psinter - this is the canonical noise of an owl in English,

Huh. Never heard this before.

 

[Psinter]

Two eight two oh isn't too far from twit twoo.

Psinter - this is the canonical noise of an owl in English, although many don't make anything like this sound.

Oh. Now I get it. Yeah, that was lame.

 

[Ibix]

Huh. Never heard this before.

Maybe it's England, not English. http://www.garden-birds.co.uk/birds/tawnyowl.htm

 

[DaveC426913]

Wait wait.

Twit twoo isn't the same as a wolf whistle, is it?

 

[Ibix]

Similar, although more mating call than sexual harassment. There's an mp3 at the link I provided.

Edit: ...or was that a "whistling at the birds" joke I missed?

 

[Sophia]

This is not a science joke, but I can't find Lame jokes now. The search function doesn't work on mobile.

Why do fat people envy elephants?
Because if the elephant weights 200kg he is considered underweight.