Collection of Lame Jokes

[BillTre]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[davenn]

Mary would never lose her temper and explode, but her sister Dynah might.

 

[strangerep]

I was getting 6 migraines a week, 12 to 14 hour duration. I had to take a dose of ibuprofen at the first sign of pain, then again every four hours because if it wore off I was done for. (I really hated the days I woke up with one.)

I sympathize. Are/were your migraines of the Scintillating Scotoma (aura) type, or "just" ordinary thumping?

I eventually figured out mine were due to long colon syndrome (compounded by a poorly programmed medulla that was getting completely flummoxed about what it should do).

 

[davenn]

View attachment 335057

I bet ya, there's a coyote under that mess

 

[davenn]

View attachment 335066

on that theme ....

5 rules to finding the perfect wife/marriage
1) find a woman who can make you laugh
2) find a woman who can cook
3) find a woman that can really listen to you
4) find a woman who is amazing in bed
5) and this is the most important one ....
make sure these 4 women dont find out about each other

 

[phinds]

View attachment 335054

I'll be damned. I thought this was a photoshop joke, but ...

 

[topsquark]

I sympathize. Are/were your migraines of the Scintillating Scotoma (aura) type, or "just" ordinary thumping?

I eventually figured out mine were due to long colon syndrome (compounded by a poorly programmed medulla that was getting completely flummoxed about what it should do).

Sounds nasty!

They were called "atypical migraines." (Which I was told, oddly enough, are actually the most common form of migraine.) I was fortunate in that, because you don't get the auras. And somehow or another they were also linked to a muscle tension headache. I can't really explain it... I have a "kink" in my neck, similar to what you would get from whiplash (maybe I did have that at some point.) The exact mechanism is a mystery, but the best guess is that the muscles in my neck would start to clench, the muscle tension headache would start, then the migraine would set in. So, no auras, just a wall of pain.

The only "good" thing about them is that, if I'm still long enough, the pain essentially goes away. So I managed to get my Master's degree because I could sit there and study and carefully work on paper or even type while I had a headache. But the moment I made a major body movement, bam! There I went again.

-Dan

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

Do I call the plumber or the electrician:

 

[WWGD]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Borg]

For some reason, I read that as IQ. Still made me laugh though.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[Borg]

One of the best police encounters that I ever witnessed was seeing a car that had just been pulled over. As my wife and I walked passed, the driver opened her window and said "I'm in a hurry". I'm sure that went well...

 

[fresh_42]

 

[berkeman]

From Facebook today:

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[davenn]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said,

"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?

"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple.

"But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted.

"It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[dextercioby]