- 20,819
- 28,467
Collection of Lame Jokes
- Thread starter quddusaliquddus
- Start date
-
- Tags
- Jokes
Join the discussion
Registration is free. Ask a follow-up in this thread, or start your own.
24,333 replies · 3M views
Science Advisor
- 13,423
- 4,244
Science Advisor
- 13,423
- 4,244
- 19,385
- 15,622
just a good old fashioned mix……
• So now cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws aren’t. That must be frustrating.
•Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one, what’s your plan?
•The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.
•You know you’re over 50 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen’.
How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life, when….the rabbit is always jumping but only lives for around two year, and…the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives over 200 years. So, rest, chill, eat, drink, and enjoy life!
•When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it.
•I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
•Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
•The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot
•When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor”.
•It’s weird being the same age as old people.
•Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH
•Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
•We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.
•You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.
•Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
•After watching how some people wore their masks, I understand why contraception fails.
•For those of you that don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version…it doesn’t listen to anything.
•There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
•My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
•Apparently exercise helps you with decision-making. It’s true. I went for a run this morning and decided I’m never going again.
• So now cocaine is legal in Oregon, but straws aren’t. That must be frustrating.
•Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one, what’s your plan?
•The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.
•You know you’re over 50 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen’.
How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life, when….the rabbit is always jumping but only lives for around two year, and…the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives over 200 years. So, rest, chill, eat, drink, and enjoy life!
•When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it.
•I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.
•Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
•The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot
•When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor”.
•It’s weird being the same age as old people.
•Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH
•Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
•We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.
•You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.
•Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
•After watching how some people wore their masks, I understand why contraception fails.
•For those of you that don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version…it doesn’t listen to anything.
•There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
•My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
•Apparently exercise helps you with decision-making. It’s true. I went for a run this morning and decided I’m never going again.
Swamp Thing
- 1,076
- 844
phinds said:
This one articulates quite neatly something I've been feeling a lot lately.
- 2,020
- 843
Heck, I started getting migraines in my teens. I also had bathroom ibuprofen, bedstand ibuprofen, in my backpack, in all of my different coats, in the car, and in my locker. Eventually I even got my wife to carry a bottle in her purse. I learned how to swallow four 200 mg pills without liquid. Anyone who gets regular migraines knows not to take chances!phinds said:
-Dan
- 19,385
- 15,622
- 19,385
- 15,622
- 19,385
- 15,622
- 20,819
- 28,467
Ibuprofen kills the kidneys, paracetamol the liver, and ASA the stomach. Prescription-free doesn't mean harmless. IIRC then drinking large amounts of water helps against headaches anyway.berkeman said:
Last edited:
Admin
- 69,781
- 25,629
Yeah, I learned from a sports Doc at a triathlon I was working that we should never give out IB to the athletes, because the combination of dehydration from the event and the vasoconstriction of the NSAID is a double-whammy for the kidneys. Once we explained to the athletes why we weren't giving them NSAIDS, they were usually fine with taking some alternative (like Tylenol).fresh_42 said:
- 2,020
- 843
Oh it was worse than that. I was getting 6 migraines a week, 12 to 14 hour duration. I had to take a dose of ibuprofen at the first sign of pain, then again every four hours because if it wore off I was done for. (I really hated the days I woke up with one.) None of the usual prescribed medications had much of an effect and things like the barbiturate derivative they had me on for a time didn't do any better than OTC.fresh_42 said:
Fortunately (and mysteriously) they started to disappear shortly after I turned 30. I still get one, once in a while, but the pain level is only mild. Thankfully, no liver damage. Yay!
According to the Chinese, I live an "interesting" life.
-Dan
- 20,819
- 28,467
Migraines are still a mystery. They are a very special (and annoying) kind of headache.
My mentor at the university suffered from it. He said he inherited it from his mother. His mother once called her doctor to give her a shot against migraines and the doctor replied: "Isn't your son a doctor? Why don't you ask him to give you a shot?"
And no, this wasn't a joke. He told me the story exactly like that.
My mentor at the university suffered from it. He said he inherited it from his mother. His mother once called her doctor to give her a shot against migraines and the doctor replied: "Isn't your son a doctor? Why don't you ask him to give you a shot?"
And no, this wasn't a joke. He told me the story exactly like that.
- 20,819
- 28,467
- 19,385
- 15,622
Science Advisor
- 13,423
- 4,244
- 19,385
- 15,622
- 20,819
- 28,467