Collection of Lame Jokes

[Pepper Mint]

18.) There was once a man who sent ten puns to the Pun Master, with the hope that they would satisfy him. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

I like this one most, it's more than being lame actually.

 

[DrGreg]

18.) There was once a man who sent ten puns to the Pun Master, with the hope that they would satisfy him. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Don't bother telling a pun to a kleptomaniac. Kleptomaniacs take things literally.

 

[Pepper Mint]

Don't bother telling a pun to a kleptomaniac. Kleptomaniacs take things literally.

Hilarious!

 

[jtbell]

A baseball umpire once got into a huge argument with a player and ejected him from the game. That player happened to be his son's favorite... and his son had been watching the game on TV. So when the umpire got home, his son snubbed him and refused to sit on his lap like he usually did. In other words:

The son never sits on the brutish umpire.

 

[fresh_42]

Q: The most favorite song of all golfers?
A: The first cut is the deepest.

... or was it boxer ...

 

[256bits]

has this one been done?
Seasoned lumberjack walks into the lumberjack store and says to the salesman, "
At my age I need something better than my axe to chop trees. I can now do only 2 cords of wood by swinging my axe. I need something better for my tired bones."

Salesman eyes him up. "You look like pretty strong fellow. With this model," showing him a 20-inch chain saw, " you are certainly to do double that - 4 cords a day and you will be home for supper. Every single client swears by it."

Some more discussion, and the impressed lumberjack buys the chainsaw.

Three days later, the lumberjack marches into the store in a rage. "You sold me a piece of junk! 1-1/2 cords is all I could get."

The salesman is perplexed. "If it is a faulty model, I can give you your money back, or exchange. Let me see the machine."
Having the chainsaw, the salesman pulls the cord, and it comes to life.

The lumberjack exclaims. "What's that noise?"

 

[jtbell]

Mother: So what did you all do in Sunday school today?

Little girl: We learned about God and Cheez-Its.

 

[davenn]

ohhh dear ...

https://scontent-syd1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13226939_10154085000681291_6582447191622101317_n.jpg?oh=707e8490950aa97564763d9bf729034c&oe=57C7F51B

 

[jtbell]

Q: Why is the mycology course the most popular elective in the biology department?

A: The professor who teaches it is a real fun guy.

 

[fresh_42]

Q: Why is the mycology course the most popular elective in the biology department?

A: The professor who teaches it is a real fun guy.

And I thought it was because the course takes place in the magic mushroom.

 

[davenn]

Q: Why is the mycology course the most popular elective in the biology department?

A: The professor who teaches it is a real fun guy.

hahahaha ( I had to google mycology )

 

[Ibix]

Why did the toadstool feel squashed?

There wasn't mushroom

 

[Pepper Mint]

I watched a TV show last night and burst into laugh when the comedian said "Never sit on your own stool".

 

[Pepper Mint]

ohhh dear ...

https://scontent-syd1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13226939_10154085000681291_6582447191622101317_n.jpg?oh=707e8490950aa97564763d9bf729034c&oe=57C7F51B

Oh uhm...yeah.

 

[KaleLetendre]

Why do women wear make up and perfume?Because they're Ugly and Smelly.

Andy...chill

 

[KaleLetendre]

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?

Bison [emoji23][emoji106][emoji23][emoji106][emoji23][emoji23][emoji23]

 

[fresh_42]

Q: Why are mathematicians bad politicians?

A: They keep to get stuck after the division in "divide and conquer".

 

[Ibix]

Why does nobody laugh at cow jokes?

They've herd them all before.

 

[fresh_42]

Why does nobody laugh at cow jokes?

They've herd them all before.

Come out, joke! You're closed in!
No, said the joke, I'm in the majority!

 

[256bits]

Bazooka Joe bubblegum - the gum was lame and the jokes were lame.
Remember this one

Bazooka Joe - Andy. Why is you nose all red?
Andy - I got stung smelling a b-rose.
Bazooka Joe - Andy. There is no "b" in rose.
Andy - There was in this one.

 

[jtbell]

Why does nobody laugh at cow jokes?

They've herd them all before.

In other words: déjà moo.

 

[Ibix]

How do you get four elephants in a Mini?

Two in the front, two in the back.

How do you get two rhinoceroses in a Mini?

Get two of the elephants out.

How do you get two whales in a Mini?

Straight up the M4.

 

[davenn]

How do you get four elephants in a Mini?

Two in the front, two in the back.

How do you get two rhinoceroses in a Mini?

Get two of the elephants out.

How do you get two whales in a Mini?

Straight up the M4.

hahalame joke alert !What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One's heavy and the other's a little lighter!
D

 

[Ibix]

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One's heavy and the other's a little lighter!

I'm surprised that @jtbell hasn't liked this...

 

[davenn]

lame chemistry jokes

 

[DiracPool]

Erwin Schrodinger is speeding down the highway one day when a cop pulls him over. While he's asking Erwin for his license and registration, he notices that Erwin is sweating and acting kind of twitchy. The cop spot checks the car and sees nothing suspicious and then asks Erwin if there's anything in his trunk. Erwin replies, yes, I have a cat in the trunk. The cop replies, really, can I check it out? Erwin says, go right ahead.

Accordingly, the cop goes and opens the trunk and exclaims, "That cat is dead!" Erwin replies, "Well, it is now."

 

[davenn]

Erwin Schrodinger is speeding down the highway one day when a cop pulls him over. While he's asking Erwin for his license and registration, he notices that Erwin is sweating and acting kind of twitchy. The cop spot checks the car and sees nothing suspicious and then asks Erwin if there's anything in his trunk. Erwin replies, yes, I have a cat in the trunk. The cop replies, really, can I check it out? Erwin says, go right ahead.

Accordingly, the cop goes and opens the trunk and exclaims, "That cat is dead!" Erwin replies, "Well, it is now."

that's the lame version of this one I posted in science jokes several months ago ...

 

[DiracPool]

that's the lame version of this one I posted in science jokes several months ago ...

Haha. I was guessing that I wasn't the first one to post that joke, but I didn't want to admit it and perhaps attenuate the impact for those who haven't heard it.

I actually just heard the joke for the first time last night on some TV drama show. I think it was "Bones," but I'm not sure. I just paraphrased the joke from memory, but it is funny...and lame.

 

[mfb]

A cop stops Einstein for running a red light.
Einstein complains: "I'm sure it was green for me!"

The cop gives him a speeding ticket.

 

[jtbell]

A post office sorting clerk received a letter addressed to:

Wood
John
Mass.

Who did it end up being delivered to? (Note: this was in the days before street addresses were necessary)

Spoiler

John Underwood
Andover, Mass.

 

[fresh_42]

Teacher: Where's James today?
Student: He's laying in bed with Angina.

 

[DrGreg]

Why does nobody laugh at cow jokes?

They've herd them all before.

Farmer: Please round up my herd of 68 cows.

Farm worker: 70.

 

[fresh_42]

A hiker comes along a meadow where a farmer is milking a cow. He asks the farmer to tell him the time. The farmer stops milking, lifts the udders, takes a close look at them and replies: four o'clock.
The next day the same procedure: the farmer stops milking, lifts the udders, takes a close look and replies: 4.15.
The third day again the same procedure: the farmer stops milking, lifts the udders, takes a close look and replies: 3.50.
Now the hiker cannot hold it anymore. He asks the farmer how in the world he could tell the time by weighing the udders? What is so special with the cow?
Nothing, answers the farmer, but if I lift the udders I can see the clocktower of our church.

 

[Psinter]

Look at this and then click on the source. What do you see?
Source

(They are the same images, if you don't believe, once in the source page, right click the image and open it in a new tab)

 

[mfb]

Clever! But I have bad news for you...

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Ibix]

Clever! But I have bad news for you...

View attachment 101926

Why is it called a short circuit when it's longer?

 

[fresh_42]

Why is it called a short circuit when it's longer?

In which reference frame / metric?

 

[mfb]

There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.From here, has some more nice puns

 

[Borg]

There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

From here, has some more nice puns

I really need to find a home for this on my software project at work.

 

[Borg]

I'm in a bit of a mood today.

 

[Ibix]

I would... walk away from that cat slowly, not turning my back and making no sudden movements.

 

[pixel]

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.

 

[Pepper Mint]

I would... walk away from that cat slowly, not turning my back and making no sudden movements.

I'm mewing till the firemen come, you ran me over and now want to run away ?

 

[fresh_42]

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.

I've also heard all the drinks were bone-dry.

 

[Pepper Mint]

I've also heard all the drinks were bone-dry.

That is resolvable with jelly-like supplement we bring up from Earth though. The hygiene issue there is incredible.

 

[mfb]

I wanted to visit it, but the route planner didn't find a way to get there.

 

[fresh_42]

I wanted to visit it, but the route planner didn't find a way to get there.

Yes, that's a problem. But I've heard you can visit the franchise on Mars if you use the "allow ferries" option in the setup to manage the Martian canals.

 

[jtbell]

What did Balboa's companions say to him when they crossed a ridge in Panama and saw the Pacific Ocean for the first time?

"Isthmus be your lucky day!"

 

[256bits]

What did Balboa's companions say to him when they crossed a ridge in Panama and saw the Pacific Ocean for the first time?

"Isthmus be your lucky day!"

Now that is a groaner if there ever was one.