Collection of Lame Jokes

[fresh_42]

for all us southerners

View attachment 104943

Ah, got it!
Spring Break!

 

[davenn]

hahaha brilliant response

 

[rollete]

The FACT that the best source of lame jokes is stand-up comedy should be common sense by now.

For those in doubt, this is not supposed to be a joke.

 

[davenn]

 

[collinsmark]

View attachment 104988

It took me a long time to get that.

 

[Borg]

It took me a long time to get that.

Both of them?

 

[collinsmark]

Both of them?

I swear I was staring at the image in confusion and scratching my head for a full 20 minutes or so. But once I got one, the other followed almost immediately.

 

[Borg]

I swear I was staring at the image in confusion and scratching my head for a full 20 minutes or so. But once I got one, the other followed almost immediately.

I got the guys on the right quickly then started wondering what the left guy was in for.

 

[Bandersnatch]

https://scontent.fwaw3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/q85/s480x480/14021517_999259100186278_181898734541726711_n.jpg?oh=52985048851fb1fed35a0027953fb8cd&oe=585466B6
And before 1905 you could travel faster than light. Those damn scientists.

 

[fresh_42]

And before 1905 you could travel faster than light. Those damn scientists.

Not to forget, until about 250 BC we had a nice flat earth. Then came this sieve guy ...

 

[Ibix]

https://scontent.fwaw3-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/q85/s480x480/14021517_999259100186278_181898734541726711_n.jpg?oh=52985048851fb1fed35a0027953fb8cd&oe=585466B6
And before 1905 you could travel faster than light. Those damn scientists.

Actually, everybody was really happy about gravity and inertia because you didn't have to flap along madly to keep up with the Earth anymore. We used to be like sharks, swimming all the time so as not to suffocate.

Also, Newton apparently invented "retro" fashion if he was in that get-up in 1869.

 

[mfb]

Also, Newton apparently invented "retro" fashion if he was in that get-up in 1869.

It is hard to keep up with fashion if you are dead. I guess Newton was buried with whatever was trendy in 1727.

 

[Ibix]

It is hard to keep up with fashion if you are dead. I guess Newton was buried with whatever was trendy in 1727.

Indeed. If, per the picture, he was working in 1869 he must also have invented the intelligent undead trope (as opposed to the animalistic killer sort), indirectly bringing us the Twilight Saga.

By the way, what do vegetarian zombies eat?

Graiiiiiins

(Braaaaaan is also an acceptable answer).

 

[OCR]

Also, Newton apparently invented "retro" fashion...

Indeed, Isaac was, without doubt, a...

 

[davenn]

I think the instructions were lost in translation

 

[mfb]

I thought $\pi$ corresponds to 180 degrees.

 

[jtbell]

Eww, plastic in my pie? No thanks...

 

[davenn]

sounds about right
Husband - wife relationship

 

[OCR]

Husband - wife relationship...

...

 

[Hoophy]

Here's a joke:

 

[OCR]

Here's a joke:

Lol... The Hybrid Air Vehicles HAV 304 / Airlander 10 .

Named the Martha Gwyn after the company chairman's wife, the craft became popularly known as "the flying bum" for "the resemblance its plump front end shares with a human's back end."

 

[OCR]

..

 

[davenn]

giggle for the day

 

[jedishrfu]

I think the instructions were lost in translation

View attachment 105151

That's for sure, who leaves a protractor in the oven. It'll melt and mess up the cake.

 

[davenn]

That's for sure, who leaves a protractor in the oven. It'll melt and mess up the cake.

The next problem is ... is it 120 C or F

 

[davenn]

Am just putting all jokes in here now, lame or good, seems to get better attention than if I create a separate thread

 

[jedishrfu]

The next problem is ... is it 120 C or F

Yeah, I was thinking about that too not that I know anything about baking cakes except maybe a Duncan Hines cake mix with instructions.

I heard one story though of a kid who wanted a vanilla cake but his mom had only a chocolate cake mix so he baked it without the chocolate component and it was a disaster.

 

[mpresic]

Why do they call it a vacuum cleaner? What can be cleaner than a vacuum

 

[OCR]

​

 

[davenn]

​

View attachment 105284

yikessssss

 

[davenn]

ohhh dear ...

https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/14117934_1155757111151898_2056835796146235837_n.jpg?oh=df823f667c7a9ff6d4cd7fcc4da58975&oe=5844184C&__gda__=1480626293_ee5985d6afbd86dae84ea604db6a7543

 

[fresh_42]

The next problem is ... is it 120 C or F

I think it has to be Kelvin. Firstly, there is no specification, and secondly, the plastic won't melt this way.

 

[mfb]

Why do they call it a vacuum cleaner? What can be cleaner than a vacuum

But how can you clean the vacuum then?

 

[fresh_42]

But how can you clean the vacuum then?

May I borrow your vacuum cleaner for a day? I'll come fetch it and return it the very next day. I promise!

 

[jtbell]

Researchers have now deciphered the recently-discovered "alien signal" from HD 164595:

 

[davenn]

Researchers have now deciphered the recently-discovered "alien signal" from HD 164595:

hahaha brilliant.
Gordon Shumway ... Gordo to his mates D

 

[Ibix]

Why is the Flash always well rested?

Because when he's asleep, he's fast asleep.

 

[fresh_42]

In German the word "fast" means almost.
Helps a lot when you go to McDonald's.

 

[jtbell]

In German the word "fast" means almost.

Don't you just love those false cognates? German "Gift" = English "poison".

 

[fresh_42]

Don't you just love those false cognates? German "Gift" = English "poison".

...hmmm, ... whether Troy has something to do with it ... timeo Danaos et dona ferentes ...

But seriously, both come from old versions of to give. As gifted can be said as given (talent). Funny is, that the stuff that brides contribute to their marriage, linen, laces and so, dowry, is called "Mitgift" in German: given along. The word poison is of Latin / French origin, meaning potion - potare - drink. The USSR wasn't the first power that divided the continent. So the only difference is basically whether someone passively gives you poison or you actively drink poison. Not really much of a difference. What always makes me nervous is, that the French have the same word for poison, poison. However, fish is poisson ... Languages are funny.

 

[DrClaude]

Don't you just love those false cognates? German "Gift" = English "poison".

In Swedish, gift means both poison and married

 

[davenn]

 

[1oldman2]

Montana roads repairs.

 

[fresh_42]

Montana roads repairs.
View attachment 105495

I've found Hollywood (CA), Hollywood (PA) and Hollywood (FL). Hollywood (MT) must be somewhere in this hole though.

 

[1oldman2]

I've found Hollywood (CA), Hollywood (PA) and Hollywood (FL). Hollywood (MT) must be somewhere in this hole though.

This definitely ain't Rodeo Dr.

 

[fresh_42]

This definitely ain't Rodeo Dr.

There is only one thing that really surprises me. If "a bit" is enough, then I have a good idea what "normal speed" must be. O.K. as living in a country where there isn't a general speed limit (although this isn't true for this kind of roads), I don't have a problem with it. But how in hell will you be able to take the bend in about 200 m down the road? You survive a real marvelous stunt and then a simple turn will kill you?

 

[1oldman2]

You survive a real marvelous stunt and then a simple turn will kill you?

It's an art, not a science. However most accidents here usually involve at least one deer.

 

[davenn]

love it :)

 

[fresh_42]

I like this version:

 

[davenn]

so true !