Collection of Lame Jokes

[jtbell]

I thought the chicken crossed the road to see their flat mate.

Wasn't that the hedgehog?

In Texas, it would be an armadillo.

Around here, it's possums. A nearby restaurant (long gone out of business) used to sell tins of "Yellow Stripe" brand possum meat.

 

[davenn]

Wasn't that the hedgehog?

indeed it was

 

[davenn]

In Texas, it would be an armadillo.

Around here, it's possums. A nearby restaurant (long gone out of business) used to sell tins of "Yellow Stripe" brand possum meat.

Ohhh man, that shocked me, when driving around TX particularly the eastern half ... so, so many dead armadillos
Only saw a couple of live ones and they were so close to the road that their days were probably numbered tooDave

 

[gmax137]

A nearby restaurant ...

Remember The Roadkill Café? Slogan: "From Your Grill to Ours"

 

[jtbell]

While we're talking about Texas... here's a Texan trying to brag to a Vermonter about how big his state is.

Texan: "I can start in Texas and drive all day and all night and all the next day, and I'm still in Texas!"
Vermonter: "I know what you mean... I used to have a car like that myself."

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 107909

What's your latest 100 m time?

 

[davenn]

What's your latest 100 m time?

hahaha ... with my heart and breathing hassles, I can't run 50m without almost collapsing on the groundD

 

[Kevin McHugh]

In Texas, it would be an armadillo.

Around here, it's possums. A nearby restaurant (long gone out of business) used to sell tins of "Yellow Stripe" brand possum meat.

In Texas, they take an empty long neck beer bottle, and place it in the armadillo's curled up legs. It looks like they're lying on their backs drinking a cold one. I nearly died laughing first time I saw that.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

Brilliant !

tho I don't think the daughter is overly impressed

https://scontent-syd1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14729199_335138946847752_1598082827045977115_n.jpg?oh=23fef874fcac7de0d26c696d8815a21d&oe=588E7C16

 

[i-like-maths]

What is an ig?
An eskimo home without a toilet

 

[Psinter]

Husband?

I have a flushband. It can remotely flush the toilet when I'm not home. What can this "hus-band" of yours do?

 

[Psinter]

They say Python emphasizes readability, but in all honesty I see it a little bit tangled.

And I C#.

 

[jtbell]

I'm flashing back to fifth grade here...

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say apple?

 

[i-like-maths]

1st man: I had a wooden car with wooden wheels, a wooden engine and a wooden bodywork.
2nd man: How was it?
1st man: It wooden go.

 

[i-like-maths]

Why did the farmer drive over his potato crop with a steamroller?
He wanted to grow mashed potatoes.

 

[i-like-maths]

I named my IPod The Titanic so whenever I connect to ITunes it says The Titanic is syncing.

 

[i-like-maths]

Why did the unappreciated cow sit down behind his cow?
He wanted to get a pat on the back.

 

[i-like-maths]

Are deep sea divers with chicken pox any good?
Well, they certainly come up to scratch.

 

[i-like-maths]

What happened to the frog when he stopped on double-yellow lines?
He was toad away.

 

[i-like-maths]

Why did the robber take a bar of soap with him when he went to rob the bank?
So he could make a clean getaway.

 

[i-like-maths]

Pupil: Are you sure this recipe's right?
Cooking teacher: Pineapples, three cubed - what's wrong with that?
Pupil: Well, 27 pineapples seem an awful lot for one fruit salad.

 

[davenn]

 

[i-like-maths]

Why did the unemployed man take a course in meditation?
He said it was better than sitting around all day doing nothing.

 

[davenn]

https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14639829_337694539925526_2165686511216826298_n.jpg?oh=88be2f38b61d6e817f2a103395966ead&oe=58A0EE28

 

[davenn]

https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13900324_291092841252363_6545170887574035715_n.jpg?oh=eec983910947f95fe5728000077f2475&oe=58D1B407

 

[fresh_42]

What's the nearest black hole?

Spoiler

Las Vegas, NV, USA
What happens in Vegas ...

 

[davenn]

What's the nearest black hole?

Spoiler

Las Vegas, NV, USA
What happens in Vegas ...

hahaha nice one

 

[Ibix]

https://scontent-syd2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14639829_337694539925526_2165686511216826298_n.jpg?oh=88be2f38b61d6e817f2a103395966ead&oe=58A0EE28

There's an old Looney Tunes where Yosemite Sam has had enough and demands that Bugs Bunny draw his gun, which he does by the pun above. Cartoon physics being what it is, he then shoots Sam with the drawn gun.

A bit of googling suggests that the episode is called "Hare Trigger", which deserves a mention of its own here.

 

[Ibix]

...and speaking of rabbits.

There's a guy driving along a country road when he hears a thump. He wonders what he's hit and stops to check. It turns out to be a rabbit, which is obviously fatally wounded and breathing its last. While he's thinking if he should put the poor thing out of its misery another car pulls up. The driver sticks his head out of his window, then dives out of his car clutching a bottle from which he pours a few drops onto the rabbit. It immediately leaps up to its feet and disappears into the bushes.

"Wow!" says the first driver. "What's in that bottle?"

"Hare restorer."

 

[DaveC426913]

Good to have you aboard. Would you mind waiting outside my office for a few minutes while I make some calls?

...

(muffled)
K-CAWW! K-CAWW!
Ooh ooh OOH OOH AH AH AHHHH!
aWOOOga! aWOOOga!
Awwwwwwwwww aeeaeeaeeaeaeeeAWWWWW aeeaeeaeeAWWWW! Kreegah Bundolo!

 

[Psinter]

If I had a flower for every time I thought of you... I would have exactly 1 and only 1 flower.

Converting what was supposed to be a lovely message into a lame joke. Hint: It can be converted back into a lovely message by adding something.

 

[mfb]

Spoiler

"Because i never stopped thinking about you"?

 

[davenn]

almost describes me

 

[davenn]

 

[Psinter]

Spoiler

"Because i never stopped thinking about you"?

Could be. I had another. But don't want to make the others puke.

 

[Borg]

View attachment 108423

So if you drank too much moonshine, you might wake up married to your cousin?

 

[Psinter]

So if you drank too much moonshine, you might wake up married to your cousin?

Or wake up married to the floor.

 

[fresh_42]

Or wake up married to the floor.

If I hear / read moonshiners, I always have to think: ... or married to pushing daisies ...

 

[Borg]

Calvin and Hobbes - Trumpified.
Trump In ‘Calvin And Hobbes’ Comic Strips Is Frighteningly Accurate
Donald Trump is Calvin.

The modified cartoons come from an entire subreddit, /r/DonaldandHobbes, devoted to shopping the many faces of Donald Trump onto Calvin’s tiny, T-shirt-wearing body. “The strip you paste Trump’s head over has to contain dialogue that Trump might actually say.

 

[i-like-maths]

Yo mamma is so ugly when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals."

 

[i-like-maths]

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

 

[i-like-maths]

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One'a a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

 

[i-like-maths]

A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the zoo is a dog.
Its a Shitzhu

 

[i-like-maths]

Bill Gates farted in an Apple store and stank up the entire place. But it's their own fault for not having windows

 

[jtbell]

Which one is bigger, Mr. Bigger or his baby son?

His baby son is a little Bigger.

 

[davenn]

Which one is bigger, Mr. Bigger or his baby son?

His baby son is a little Bigger.

hahahaha that's so bad