Collection of Lame Jokes

[fresh_42]

Which one is bigger, Mr. Bigger or his baby son?

His baby son is a little Bigger.

Ouch! This thread needs a pain button instead of a like.

 

[jtbell]

Fortunately I can't claim credit for that one. A contestant on Wheel of Fortune the other night said she did standup comedy part-time, and gave that as an example. She even made host Pat Sajak wince.

 

[jtbell]

What do you call a pink long-necked bird with a hacking cough?

A phlegmingo.

 

[i-like-maths]

A man fell into a lens grinding machine.
He made a spectacle of himself.

 

[i-like-maths]

Did you har about the man that lost his left leg and left arm in an accident?
He's all right now.

 

[mfb]

Did you har about the man that lost his left leg and left arm in an accident?
He's all right now.

In soviet Russia, bomb disarms you!

 

[davenn]

https://scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/14953883_10211011281580557_5773096680507552576_n.jpg?oh=b3600042d0674d68509e94b35b896e0b&oe=58D0C977

 

[davenn]

https://scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15078507_1485027284846669_2362304755225224761_n.jpg?oh=d8fa0986a46f68f7db6a92bbcc380027&oe=58CB8A57

 

[DrGreg]

https://scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/15078507_1485027284846669_2362304755225224761_n.jpg?oh=d8fa0986a46f68f7db6a92bbcc380027&oe=58CB8A57

Unfortunately, that joke works only for Americans, I think.

 

[fresh_42]

Unfortunately, that joke works only for Americans, I think.

At least it helps a lot not to know, how he is pronounced correctly. (Still searching where this van is supposed to be ... )

 

[Fervent Freyja]

From a LaffyTaffy wrapper:
What do astronauts eat for dinner?

Spoiler

Launch Meat.

What do you call a chicken crossing the road?

Spoiler

Poultry in motion.

 

[Ibix]

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

(...with thanks to the Tiny Titans).

 

[i-like-maths]

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred the other day when a small two seater Cessna light aircraft crashed into a graveyard. The diggers have uncovered 1,826 bodys so far and they expect the numbers to rise.

 

[mfb]

Better a rising number of bodies than a number of rising bodies.

 

[Borg]

If the IRS threw Trump in jail, would the press quote his tweets out of con-text?

 

[jtbell]

Did you hear about the guy who went grocery shopping and made the misteak of buying ribeye instead of sirloin?

[inspired by this post]

 

[davenn]

 

[Bandersnatch]

View attachment 109270

I'm pretty sure that's not true. Impossible even.

 

[davenn]

I'm pretty sure that's not true. Impossible even.

Well he did turn out to be "L"uke's father

 

[Ibix]

I'm pretty sure that's not true. Impossible even.

Search your feelings, Bandersnatch. You know it to be true.

 

[davenn]

Search your feelings, Bandersnatch. You know it to be true.

hahaha ... nice response

 

[fresh_42]

So this is then Nuke's father?

 

[DrClaude]

So this is then Nuke's father?

Yes, and his mother is Enola Gay

 

[Ibix]

hahaha ... nice response

I can do "Lame Star Wars refs" all day...

 

[Borg]

I can do "Lame Star Wars refs" all day...

Do you use the farce?

 

[DaveC426913]

That one on the right ought to be missing a string, no?

View attachment 109270

 

[Ibix]

Do you use the farce?

Binds the lame jokes thread together, it does.

 

[256bits]

I utterly refuse to do a Han(d)s Solo clapping lame joke.

 

[davenn]

hahaha ... gives the term "added value" a new meaning

 

[DrGreg]

I had a similar problem with a boomerang.

 

[Ibix]

Did you hear about the ship carrying a cargo of yo-yos? It hit a rock and sank 45 times.

 

[davenn]

I had a similar problem with a boomerang.

sporting ones should come back ... hunting ones shouldn't

and speaking of such, a song from my childhood ...

Dave

 

[fresh_42]

sporting ones should come back ... hunting ones shouldn't

and speaking of such, a song from my childhood ...

Dave

My Scottish song association from my childhood of a (yellow) boomerang wasn't much better.

 

[DrGreg]

Boomerangs were originally made from egg whites instead of wood. They were very unpopular and so were referred to as "Boo! Meringues!".

If that's not a lame, contrived joke, I don't know what is.

 

[davenn]

of a (yellow) boomerang

the first thought that came to mind was of a banana ??

 

[DaveC426913]

the first thought that came to mind was of a banana ??

Fewer concussions...

 

[jtbell]

"Boo! Meringues!".

That sounds like a Halloween "trick and treat."

 

[fresh_42]

Tonight a burglar broke into my house.
He searched for money.
I woke up and helped him.
In vain.

 

[davenn]

hahaha

well not unless you have a death wish

 

[fresh_42]

- job interview -

"What are your strengths?"
"I'm persistent."
"You'll hear from us."
"I'll wait."

 

[jtbell]

Another one from fifth grade:

I 2 a 4 a shoe.
I 4 a 6 a shoe.
I 6 a 8 a shoe.
I...

 

[fresh_42]

Apropos 5th grade.

Little John-Boy is sitting on the wall of the school yard as his teacher leaves school long after classes.
She asks him, why he didn't walk home. His answer:
"You taught us today Earth is spinning. I simply keep waiting until my house comes along."

(Dedicated to all who don't like these frames all the time.)

 

[DaveC426913]

Another one from fifth grade:

I 2 a 4 a shoe.
I 4 a 6 a shoe.
I 6 a 8 a shoe.
I...

Took me a minute to get it...

 

[fresh_42]

Took me a minute to get it...

Could you explain it to an alien?

 

[jtbell]

Could you explain it to an alien?

 

[Electron Spin]

I get it now.

Good! better drop it now... It will freeze up, glow green, and melt...

 

[davenn]

 

[OCR]

Took me a minute to get it...

My minute seems a lot longer than yours...

 

[Mark44]

Another one from fifth grade:

I 2 a 4 a shoe.
I 4 a 6 a shoe.
I 6 a 8 a shoe.
I...

My minute seems a lot longer than yours...

Read the first part out loud, try to spot the pattern for the fourth line, and read it out loud.

 

[fresh_42]

Read the first part out loud, try to spot the pattern for the fourth line, and read it out loud.

Thank you. Now I got it, too. Well, seems they've finally really created a black hole in CERN ...