Collection of Lame Jokes

[Hugh Parker]

If you call a dog's tail a leg, how many legs would it have? Four; the tail is still a tail regardless of what you call it.

 

[Ibix]

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

I'll tell you next week.

 

[dkotschessaa]

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

WELL WHAT'S THE ANSWER

 

[OmCheeto]

Also big thanks to our staff administrator Greg Bernhardt, for his conception...

Unless he's a Time Lord, I doubt he had anything to do with that.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

WELL WHAT'S THE ANSWER

Here it comes: [It is called the "Inductivist Turkey" (one of Russel's paradigm of improper (incomplete) Induction, I think [?])]

By teaching it Induction method of course!:
Starting Jan 1, every day, give it food say 9am, punctual ... up to 359th day. Guess what happens, once she can now guess the routine, on the 360th day?? ... ...
... Ha, ha, ...
Slayed for Christmass dinner table! (Gross!?)
[A few days from now! ... Happy Holidays!
... lol ] (all welcome to decode this [chain] ... - any ideas?)

 

[DaveC426913]

It is a bit panda packing heat, isn't it?

 

[DaveC426913]

Zsa Zsa Gabor: "I'm a marvelous housekeeper. Whenever I leave a man, I keep the house."

Too soon, DAHling.

 

[jim mcnamara]

During this time of year why do they serve eggs benedict on a car hub cap?

... because there is no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

dedicated to all our northern hemisphere members
have a wonderful and snowy Christmas

 

[Ibix]

dedicated to all our northern hemisphere members
have a wonderful and snowy Christmas

View attachment 110659

Poor thing is going to come down with something - he already looks a little horse.

 

[sophiecentaur]

It's "why the long face?" all over again.

 

[jtbell]

dedicated to all our northern hemisphere members
have a wonderful and snowy Christmas

In my part of the northern hemisphere the temperature hit 68F (20C) today. Combine that with the greenhouse effect and I was toasty inside my car with the heater turned off.

(OK, about a week ago I was freezing my three-letter pack animal off.)

 

[DaveC426913]

The days are getting longer! Spring is on its way!

 

[dkotschessaa]

 

[fresh_42]

My neighbors hear good music.
... whether they like it or not.

 

[fresh_42]

Vegetarian is an old indigenous word meaning bad hunter.

 

[julian]

A seal walks into a club...

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Two fleas after drinking at the bar: "shall we walk or we take a dog?" ! ...

 

[DaveC426913]

I ♥ my

I ♠ my

I ♣ my

 

[Ibix]

One from a family gathering - a relative of mine is planning not to buy any more shoes. He says they just get under foot all the time.

 

[dkotschessaa]

Another awesomely bad original from me.

Q. What did the plantain say when it lost it's phone?
A. "Where did mofongo?"

 

[fresh_42]

On the packet with Himalayan salt they printed: 2,000,000 years old and best before 2,019.
Fortunately they've found it in time.

 

[Ibix]

Scam artists use expired salt to make lamps. That's why they don't cure all your ills - if they used salt before its expiry date...

 

[256bits]

Canned air, is it always fresh, or does it ever go stale.

 

[fresh_42]

Canned air, is it always fresh, or does it ever go stale.

I'm always fresh

 

[256bits]

I'm always fresh

Oh. don't tell me. The guy from the Irish Spring soap commercial under the waterfall!

 

[Logical Dog]

edit: the face is that of a mathematician and youtuber (NJ Wildeberger) who does not believe irrational numbers are practical or even exist. THoughh if it really came to this kind of situation, I believe he would go right. He always says math is weak, foundationaly inconsistent,etc..I am yet to believe him.

 

[Logical Dog]

My new year's resolution is that I won't make any new year's resolutions this year! ...
Ouooops! I just made one! ...

This statements truth value cannot be determined? You have broken my logic :-)

 

[mfb]

It can be. He made a new year's resolution, and it failed.

 

[Logical Dog]

It can be. He made a new year's resolution, and it failed.

hmmm yes

EDIT:something about the sentence disturbs me

 

[DrClaude]

This thread is for posting lame jokes. Everyone, please get back on topic.

 

[Logical Dog]

Where does a lizard go when it tail falls off?

The retail store. : - )

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autotomy

 

[Buckleymanor]

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To see his flat mate.

 

[jtbell]

How fitting... cows on the loose in DeKalb County, Georgia.

 

[fresh_42]

How fitting... cows on the loose in DeKalb County, Georgia.

Good they are pros there in DeKalb in De-Kalb-ification!

 

[Stavros Kiri]

In "micro-chat" (going on right now), micromass said (roughly):
"I am at -273°C, but ... hey! I'm '0K' ! ..."

When I asked for permission to quote the joke from the mutual discussion, julian answered: "Absolutely!" ...

 

[Ibix]

How fitting... cows on the loose in DeKalb County, Georgia.

From the Tweets reproduced on that page, I think DeKalb County PD would be right at home on this thread.

 

[Ibix]

What do you get if you cross an amoeba and a walkie talkie?

A cellphone.

 

[fresh_42]

Life begins in a cell.
With some, it ends in it as well.

 

[davenn]

 

[dkotschessaa]

There was a young man from Japan,
Whose limericks just wouldn't scan,
When he was asked why,
He said in reply,
"I'm not really sure but I think it might be because I always try to cram as many words into the last line as I possibly can".

 

[OCR]

just saw Noah parking his arc!

I think a substation switch issue caused that ... lol

 

[Logical Dog]

A friend asked me "Whats so special about today?"
I replied "nothing, just Donald Trump evicting ANOTHER family!"

 

[DrGreg]

There was a young man from Japan,
Whose limericks just wouldn't scan,
When he was asked why,
He said in reply,
"I'm not really sure but I think it might be because I always try to cram as many words into the last line as I possibly can".

I have to quote my favourite "anti-limerick" due to W S Gilbert:

There was an old man of St. Bees,
Who was stung in the arm by a wasp,

When asked, "Does it hurt?"
He replied, "No, it doesn't,​

I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet."​

And this mathematical limerick due to Leigh Mercer:

$(12 + 144 + 20$
$+ 3\sqrt{4} )$

$\div 7$
$+ 5 \times 11$​

$= 9^2 + 0$​

Spoiler

A dozen, a gross, and a score
Plus three times the square root of four

Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven​

Is nine squared and not a bit more.​

 

[Stavros Kiri]

An Egyptian and a Greek:

E: Hey, great news from back home! After digging under the pyramids they discovered and found wires and cables, which means they had telephony back then!
[, so all civilization did in fact start from Egypt!]

G: Hey, that's nothing! No big deal. In Greece, while digging under Acropolis in the greek ruins, to construct the Athens "Metro" (US: subway, UK: underground), they discovered and found nothing! (no wires or cables etc.)

E: So!? So what?

G: It means they had mobile telephony back then! ...

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

...

And this mathematical limerick due to Leigh Mercer:

$(12 + 144 + 20$
$+ 3\sqrt{4} )$

$\div 7$
$+ 5 \times 11$​

$= 9^2 + 0$​

brilliant ... hadn't heard that one before

Dave

 

[Ibix]

What is orange and hairy and comes back when you throw it?

A boomorang-utan.

 

[fresh_42]

What is orange and hairy and comes back when you throw it?

A boomorang-utan.

And I could have sworn you've meant the new ...
(I got to stop watching too much news ...)