Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ibix]

Continuing my theme, what's made of egg and sugar and comes back when you throw it?

A boomeringue.

What do you call a cow that comes back when you throw it?

A moomerang.

 

[jtbell]

What do you call a Donald Trump speech?

Tweeting from the mouth.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

A friend asked me "Whats so special about today?"
I replied "nothing, just Donald Trump evicting ANOTHER family!"

Looks like he also evicted a whole bunch of jokes out of this thread during his inauguration ! ...

 

[fresh_42]

Continuing my theme, ...

... how is @ZapperZ's new Photo Contest called?

Spoiler

A zoom-erang!

 

[Mark44]

Looks like he also evicted a whole bunch of jokes out of this thread during his inauguration ! ...

No, that was me. I didn't evict any actual jokes...

 

[Ibix]

No, that was me. I didn't evict any actual jokes...

What?! Was somebody trolling the lame jokes thread?

 

[Mark44]

What?! Was somebody trolling the lame jokes thread?

No, they were jokes that didn't make it even to the level of "lame jokes."

 

[Stavros Kiri]

No, they were jokes that didn't make it even to the level of "lame jokes."

Let the public decide

 

[jtbell]

Why did the Cookie Monster visit the doctor?

He felt crumby.

 

[fresh_42]

Spoiler: The Swiss Cheese Paradox

Swiss cheese has holes.
More cheese means more holes.
More holes means less cheese.
Ergo: More cheese is less cheese.

 

[Borg]

Spoiler: The Swiss Cheese Paradox

Swiss cheese has holes.
More cheese means more holes.
More holes means less cheese.
Ergo: More cheese is less cheese.

I think there's a hole in your logic.

 

[fresh_42]

I think there's a hole in your logic.

The fun part is to locate it. Maybe it should have been a science joke.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

The fun part is to locate it. Maybe it should have been a science joke.

More swiss cheese is less swiss cheese ... [than it would be without the holes ...]

 

[mfb]

The fun part is to locate it.

Trivial. There are several holes. I highlighted them for convenience:

Swiss cheese has holes[/color].
More cheese means more holes[/color].
More holes[/color] means less cheese.
Ergo: More cheese is less cheese.

 

[dkotschessaa]

And I could have sworn you've meant the new ...
(I got to stop watching too much news ...)

Yup..

 

[OmCheeto]

How does the ocean get your attention?

Spoiler: wait for it...

It waves!

 

[jtbell]

Just saw this on a T-shirt:

Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries!"

 

[fresh_42]

Just saw this on a T-shirt:

Exercise? I thought you said "extra fries!"

You mean I have been wrong all the time I went to the Jim

 

[Ibix]

How does the ocean get your attention?

Spoiler: wait for it...

It waves!

How does an electron get your attention?

Spoiler

It particles.

 

[fresh_42]

The acoustician got back his paper from peer. It had been rejected. It wasn't sound.

 

[dkotschessaa]

The acoustician got back his paper from peer. It had been rejected. It wasn't sound.

Was it ear-reviewed?

 

[AlexCaledin]

On the Socks Symmetry Change.

When the socks become distinguishable into left and right, they are considered dirty.

 

[fresh_42]

"Knock, knock!"
"Who's there?"
"Police."
"What do you want?"
"Talk."
"How many are you?"
"Two."
"Talk to each other!"

 

[Psinter]

Me: How much does it cost to send a letter to Washington?
Friend: Who is it going to?
Me: Washington.
*silence*

 

[dkotschessaa]

"Anti-Jokes" For some reason I find these lamely hilarious:

A horse walks into a bar. Several people got up and left as they realized the potential danger in this situation.

You mama so fat, she should be concerned because obesity is a serious problem.

A man walks into a bar. His alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart.

"Knock knock?"
"Who's there?"
"It's the police. There's been a terrible accident."

Why is 6 afraid of 7? It isn't. Numbers are insentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

"Anti-Jokes" For some reason I find these lamely hilarious

See also FlexGunship's "defused jokes".

 

[Psinter]

Don't drink and drive? Says who? Look at me drinking this whole bottle of water and then drive to the workplace.

20 minutes later:

I shouldn't have done that. I'm stuck in this traffic congestion and I really need to go to the bathroom now.

 

[Ibix]

A chemistry variant on "Hu is the new leader of China" - 57 panels long:
http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2349
http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=2349

 

[Stavros Kiri]

What do you call a young male puppy?
A: "Son of a b..ch"

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

"Hu is the new leader of China"

Maxwell Smart: Who's that?
Policeman: That's Hoo.
Smart: Who's who?
Policeman: He's Hoo.
Smart: Oh, he's who. What are you talking about?

Quotes from Get Smart: The Amazing Harry Hoo

 

[DrGreg]

Maxwell Smart: Who's that?
Policeman: That's Hoo.
Smart: Who's who?
Policeman: He's Hoo.
Smart: Oh, he's who. What are you talking about?

Quotes from Get Smart: The Amazing Harry Hoo

Who's on first?

 

[jtbell]

Where do Texas longhorns make their last stand before being rounded up?

The Alamoo.

 

[DrGreg]

Some ideas for Valentine's Day presents:

Spoiler: Something slinky:

Photo credit: Roger McLassus on Wikipedia Commons
Source: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:2006-02-04_Metal_spiral.jpg
Licence: Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported

Spoiler: Something silky:

Spoiler: Something black and lacy:

Spoiler: A hot little number:

Photo credit: Eddie Maloney on flickr
Source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/22147358@N04/3132167221
Licence: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/

 

[Psinter]

8 dollars?! Why do you want 4 dollars if $2 are more than enough? Here, have $1 and don't complain.
-Employers setting hourly salary

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Wife: "the gynecologist said no sex for a month!"

Husband: "[agrrr!] WHY?!"

Wife: "because he's got a back pain! ..."

 

[jtbell]

Sign on the lost-and-found box at the library:

"Dewey belong to you?"

 

[jtbell]

...which reminds me of the venerable law firm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe.

(Once upon a time I belonged to a professional organization, two of whose officers were named Dewey and Cheatham!)

 

[mfb]

...which reminds me of the venerable law firm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe.

They got their own Wikipedia article.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dewey_(surname)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheatham_(surname)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Howe_(surname)

 

[Aufbauwerk 2045]

Why did the fly fly?

Because the spider spider.

 

[Ibix]

Reminds me of an old bit of doggerel:

A flea and a fly were trapped in a flue.
Said the flea to the fly: "What shall we do?"
"Let us flee!" said the fly,
"Let us fly!" said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

 

[fresh_42]

Lately I told a chemistry joke.
No reaction.

 

[mfb]

Lately I told a chemistry joke.
No reaction.

The reaction in the mathematics department was very limited as well.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Lately I told a chemistry joke.
No reaction.

The reaction in the mathematics department was very limited as well.

Was there a bonding there?

 

[I-Love-Maths2]

what's the fastest food?
Scone

 

[DrClaude]

what's the fastest food?
Scone

?

 

[I-Love-Maths2]

?

you can't fail to get that one

 

[I-Love-Maths2]

's' gone

 

[DrClaude]

's' gone

Looking at Merriam-Webster:

\ˈskōn, ˈskän\

I always heard it pronounced the first way, so the joke didn't make sense to me.