Collection of Lame Jokes

[JonDE]

An Irishman walks past a bar

 

[DaveC426913]

Faith 'n beggorah, I actually lol'd.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Question: Do I believe in premarital sex?

What a silly question! Not only do I believe in it, it can easily be shown to be far more likely to exist than postmarital sex.

 

[Borek]

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/yesandno

 

[Borek]

I am not convinced it is that lame...

http://www.thepaincomics.com/Science vs. Norse.jpg

(too large image, so I am posting just a link).

 

[Ivan Seeking]

God is love. So you and I are about to make God, baby!
- Stephen Colbert

 

[Ivan Seeking]

There is a standard joke in either Iowa, or possibly New Hampshire, that references the personal contact voters get with Presidential candidates.

What do you think of Romney?

I don't know yet. I've only met the man twice.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

See, Bo, we call those Tea Dogs. But they don't like to play like the other dogs.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Engineers' New Conversion Table

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

 

[Lancelot59]

Engineers' New Conversion Table

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

I found that amusing. Did you come up with that yourself?

 

[rktpro]

Newton never went to toilet. If he had, gravity would have been discovered much earlier.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Did you come up with that yourself?

Heck no. It was copied from an email.

 

[checkitagain]

This is mine:
------------



A man was arrested and convicted for washing clothes
without separating the colors.


He was sent to prism.

 

[Anna Blanksch]

Engineers' New Conversion Table is great!
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

Hahahaha...
Also, sent to prism for not separating the colors... wonderful.

Speaking of prison... The energizer bunny was arrested. He was charged with battery.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

It has long been said that one should beware of Greeks bearing gifts. The question Europe faces now, is whether to trust Greeks bearing debts.

 

[Anna Blanksch]

A buffalo goes to his first day of school. As he walks away the mother says, "Bison!"

 

[DaveC426913]

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

A buffalo is a North American plains mammal.

A bison is wot an Ohstrahlian woshes is 'ands in.

 

[Evo]

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

A buffalo is a North American plains mammal.

A bison is wot an Ohstrahlian woshes is 'ands in.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

There was a young woman who lived in a shoe. She didn't have any children, but she knew what to do.

 

[Anna Blanksch]

Two wrongs don't make a right, but what do two rights make?

... The first airplane.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Given that Republicans have long accused Obama supporters of believing him to be Christ, it is now clear to me that the world really will end this year, just as some have predicted using the Mayan calendar. Obviously, Obama’s reelection in November will be no less than the long prophesied, second coming of Christ. According to the Bible, his second term will last 1000 years.

 

[lisab]

Given that Republicans have long accused Obama supporters of believing him to be Christ, it is now clear to me that the world really will end this year, just as some have predicted using the Mayan calendar. Obviously, Obama’s reelection in November will be no less than the long prophesied, second coming of Christ. According to the Bible, his second term will last 1000 years.

Lol!

 

[WhoWee]

Given that Republicans have long accused Obama supporters of believing him to be Christ, it is now clear to me that the world really will end this year, just as some have predicted using the Mayan calendar. Obviously, Obama’s reelection in November will be no less than the long prophesied, second coming of Christ. According to the Bible, his second term will last 1000 years.

tsk, tsk, tsk...shame, shame, shame (insert 'wink' - it's not in the menu?)

 

[DaveC426913]

tsk, tsk, tsk...shame, shame, shame (insert 'wink' - it's not in the menu?)

#11:
(or simply type : wink :)

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Two wrongs don't make a right, but what do two rights make?

Three rights make a left.

 

[Lancelot59]

Three rights make a left.

So does seven. Two rights make an about turn.

 

[OmCheeto]

I did something today that I don't think I've done since 2nd grade.
I finished a book in one day. 190 pages!

Jim Clifton: The Coming Jobs War

63% of me strongly agreed with 85% of his conclusions
16% of me strongly disagreed with 8% of his conclusions
10% of me thought 2% was just his biased opinion
and
11% of me had no comment

---------------------------------
Jim Clifton is CEO for the Gallup Organization

 

[Anna Blanksch]

What did the sheep say to his clone?

...I am ewe!

 

[Borg]

I did something today that I don't think I've done since 2nd grade.
I finished a book in one day. 190 pages!

Jim Clifton: The Coming Jobs War

63% of me strongly agreed with 85% of his conclusions
16% of me strongly disagreed with 8% of his conclusions
10% of me thought 2% was just his biased opinion
and
11% of me had no comment

---------------------------------
Jim Clifton is CEO for the Gallup Organization

I think that the margin of error is likely to be pretty large for a poll of one.

 

[Jonathan Scott]

What did the sheep say to his clone?

...I am ewe!

Works better with HER clone.