Collection of Lame Jokes

[Stavros Kiri]

It sounds like the name of a Latin woman who would blow one's mind off.

And she has a grandmother ... Senility ...

 

[phinds]

President Trump was taken on a tour of the Keystone Pipeline area in a small private plane by a friend of his. On his return he commented on how friendly all the waving Native Americans had seemed. “They love me”, he said.

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

... No matter what men do ...

A young Californian skateboarder found a bottle at the beach, picked it up and all of a sudden a Jinn appeared to offer him three wishes.
"Wow", answered the young man, "I want to be rich, beautiful, and ... let's see ... uhh, yes, I want a half-pipe from here to Honolulu."
"O.k.", said the Jinn, "money and beauty aren't a problem, but how on Earth should I build the pipe? Do you have any idea, how much planning, what terrible amount of concrete, unbelievable long piers deep in the ocean and many other things I would need? Not to mention the earthquakes. Come on, pick another wish!" The young man thought about it for a while and replied: "In this case, I want to understand the girls." - "Let's get back to the pipe. Which surface do you want? Is Italian Marble o.k. to you? Do you need some recreation areas along the way ..."

 

[davenn]

A young Californian skateboarder found a bottle at the beach, picked it up and all of a sudden a Jinn appeared to offer him three wishes.
"Wow", answered the young man, "I want to be rich, beautiful, and ... let's see ... uhh, yes, I want a half-pipe from here to Honolulu."
"O.k.", said the Jinn, "money and beauty aren't a problem, but how on Earth should I build the pipe? Do you have any idea, how much planning, what terrible amount of concrete, unbelievable long piers deep in the ocean and many other things I would need? Not to mention the earthquakes. Come on, pick another wish!" The young man thought about it for a while and replied: "In this case, I want to understand the girls." - "Let's get back to the pipe. Which surface do you want? Is Italian Marble o.k. to you? Do you need some recreation areas along the way ..."

hahahaha

 

[jasonwell90]

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?

Right where you left it.

LOL

 

[davenn]

 

[Intrastellar]

What is this sorcery ?

When I put up one finger and five fingers I get six fingers, where did all of these hands come from?

We should get Costello to teach them some maths

 

[Stavros Kiri]

dedicated to all our northern hemisphere members
have a wonderful and snowy Christmas

View attachment 110659

Warning (to all our southern hemisphere members, from the north ones):
The sun is now moving this way ... so soon watch your ass! ...

 

[davenn]

Warning (to all our southern hemisphere members, from the north ones):
The sun is now moving this way ... so soon watch your ass! ...

I don't see snow where I am from in Australia

 

[Stavros Kiri]

I don't see snow where I am from in Australia

Well, never say never ... , but the good news is you still have time to prepare ... just in case!

 

[fresh_42]

I don't see snow where I am from in Australia

Could at least see Tasmania from where you live? Like some could see Russia from where they live.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Could at least see Tasmania from where you live? Like some could see Russia from where they live.

... with live web camera ...

 

[davenn]

Could at least see Tasmania from where you live? Like some could see Russia from where they live.

is that like the two blondes in Kansas, one blonde talking to another saying " the moon is closer than Florida, because I can see the moon but not Florida " ?

On occasions we do get snow up in the mountains to the west of Sydney. Took my Filipino wife up there 8 years back for her first play in snow ( it was very light, hardly covered the ground LOL ... but she loved it)

The best snow she has yet been in is in the USA ... once at Mt St Helens and then a week later in Yellowstone NPDave

 

[fresh_42]

is that like the two blondes in Kansas, one blonde talking to another saying " the moon is closer than Florida, because I can see the moon but not Florida " ?

O.k., Sarah isn't blonde but despite of this ...

If it comforts you: I have an equivalent (personal) pity to your absence of snow also due to the fact that I'm living almost on the exact opposite place on this rock than you. I mean, they released raccoons, greater rheas and Alexandrian parrots (accidentally) into the wild. Hell, even some red-necked wallabies made it into the wild and survived at least a couple of years (>4, but haven't heard of them for a while now). And the only animal that wouldn't have any climatic problems at all over here, one of my absolutely well beloved dudes - they of all beasts didn't escape anywhere: Keas.

 

[davenn]

And the only animal that wouldn't have any climatic problems at all over here, one of my absolutely well beloved dudes - they of all beasts didn't escape anywhere: Keas.

Ahh, the cheeky Kea ... known for stripping rubber surrounds and wiper blades from car. picking open backpacks etc
They are a native from my home country, New ZealandD

 

[fresh_42]

Ahh, the cheeky Kea ...

Sometimes I think they might be too smart to escape from the zoos: fellows at hand, food twice a day, full medical service, regular entertainment programs ...

 

[jtbell]

There are 30 cows in a field.
28 chickens.
How many didn't?

(Need a clue? See one of my previous lame jokes.)

 

[davenn]

... ohhh crap, not again !

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

Caught off Fukushima, no doubt.

 

[fresh_42]

Caught off Fukushima, no doubt.

Sounds definitely more like Sellafield.

 

[mfb]

I don't want to know where the fish comes from. TMI

 

[nuuskur]

Hahaha, Fish'n'chips :D Clever.

Heard this one:
Where do animals go when their tails fall off?The retail store.

..hee ..hee.. hee..right?

 

[mfb]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.You ask why I bought shoes from a drug dealer?
He was the sole supplier.

 

[DrClaude]

You ask why I bought shoes from a drug dealer?
He was the sole supplier.

There are lame jokes, and then there is this...

 

[davenn]

Where do animals go when their tails fall off?The retail store.

hahaha love it !

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

You ask why I bought shoes from a drug dealer?
He was the sole supplier.

brilliant

a good laugh from both you guys Dave

 

[DrGreg]

Where do animals go when their tails fall off?The retail store.

And where do humans go when their hand falls off? The second hand shop.

But where do clocks go when their third hand falls off? The second hand shop.

You may need to think about that...

Spoiler: Explanation

The 1st hand is the hour hand.
The 2nd hand is the minute hand.
The 3rd hand is the second hand.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

And where do humans go when their hand falls off? The second hand shop.

But where do clocks go when their third hand falls off? The second hand shop.

You may need to think about that...

Spoiler: Explanation

The 1st hand is the hour hand.
The 2nd hand is the minute hand.
The 3rd hand is the second hand.

Is that how humans and clocks meet? And I always had that question ...

 

[EnumaElish]

Is that how humans and clocks meet? And I always had that question ...

"Us humans' second hands are harvested from clocks, son."

 

[strangerep]

There are 30 cows in a field.
28 chickens.
How many didn't?

10?

 

[DaveC426913]

There are 30 cows in a field.
28 chickens.
How many didn't?

I just saw this one on America's Funniest Home People!

(And thought to myself, that would never work in print...)

 

[davenn]

There are 30 cows in a field.
28 chickens.
How many didn't?

I just saw this one on America's Funniest Home People!

(And thought to myself, that would never work in print...)

yeah ... it has gone over my head LOL

 

[DaveC426913]

Spoiler: Spoiler

Twenty ate chickens.

 

[fresh_42]

Spoiler: Spoiler

Twenty ate chickens.

Sure? Maybe only two ate chicken.

 

[DaveC426913]

Sure? Maybe only two ate chicken.

Well, that's why it's a verbal joke.

 

[strangerep]

Sure? Maybe only two ate chicken.

That was my first thought too. But one says "twenty eight", not "two eight".

 

[davenn]

beware the ide's of March

 

[collinsmark]

Why would cows be eating chickens in the first place? It just doesn't make sense. What is going on around me in this world?!

 

[davenn]

Why would cows be eating chickens in the first place? It just doesn't make sense.

this is true ... when did they change from vegetarians to carnivores ... did I miss a memo or board meeting ??

 

[Borg]

They have a secret agenda...

 

[DrClaude]

Why would cows be eating chickens in the first place? It just doesn't make sense. What is going on around me in this world?!

this is true ... when did they change from vegetarians to carnivores ... did I miss a memo or board meeting ??

Don't you know how mad cow disease spread?

 

[phinds]

Did you ever get half way through eating a horse and then realize you really weren't that hungry after all?

 

[Stavros Kiri]

A)

Where does a lizard go when it tail falls off?

The retail store. : - )

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autotomy

Heard this one:
Where do animals go when their tails fall off?The retail store.

..hee ..hee.. hee..right?

... Copyright problem here ...

B)

You ask why I bought shoes from a drug dealer?
He was the sole supplier.

What about the rest of the shoe?

 

[fresh_42]

What about the rest of the shoe?

The rest of the shoe consisted of beautiful crystal mats.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

The rest of the show consisted of beautiful crystal mats.

Show or shoe?

 

[fresh_42]

Show or shoe?

Ooops.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

The rest of the shoe consisted of beautiful crystal mats.

You mean the magic ones that turn into dust! ... and beyond ...
Then that explains why he was tripping ...

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.You ask why I bought shoes from a drug dealer?
He was the sole supplier.

 

[davenn]

a good laugh ...

 

[Aufbauwerk 2045]

There were two brothers from Scotland. They went into the transportation industry, taking people between Glasgow and nearby small towns.

The business went very well, until one day there was a tragic accident. One of the brothers broke his neck.