Collection of Lame Jokes
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I m not sure this is a joke. But last week I was having a hard day and I go to my psychiatrist and lie down and start telling my story. He meanwhile is busily taking notes. Then at one point he leans over and asks: "Say, is 'nut job' hyphenated?"
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mathwonk said:
That was definitely a joke! This one, not so sure...but I like it
:Two psychiatrists were coming into the office one morning. They exchanged morning greetings, and one said to the other, "I made the funniest Freudian slip this morning!" The other said, "Oh what was it?" He replied, "Well, I meant to say, 'Sweetheart, will you please pass the strawberry jam?', but what I actually said was, 'Damn you, you ruined my life!'"
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jtbell said:
There is a genuine partnership of UK solicitors (= US attorneys) called Moody and Woolley.
http://www.moodyandwoolley.co.uk/
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AlephZero said:
FtlIsAwesome
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If Megaupload is down, does that mean that Megadownload is up?
Jimmy Snyder
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Isn't that a paradox?jtbell said:
dkotschessaa
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IMP said:
Laughed so hard.
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dkotschessaa
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A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't.
dkotschessaa
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Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
dkotschessaa
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Today's math joke:
Two male mathematicians are in a bar.
The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics.
The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.
The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress.
He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed.
She repeats `one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats `one third x cubed'.
Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'.
The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math.
He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees.
The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral of x squared?'.
The waitress says `one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder `plus a constant'!
Two male mathematicians are in a bar.
The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics.
The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.
The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress.
He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed.
She repeats `one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats `one third x cubed'.
Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'.
The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math.
He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees.
The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral of x squared?'.
The waitress says `one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder `plus a constant'!
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dkotschessaa said:
Like! :)
xunxine
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Why does everyone like the mushroom?
Because he's such a fungi.
Because he's such a fungi.
rollcast
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Remember, grammar is the difference between, "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse," and "I helped my uncle jack off a horse."
IMP
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Saxby
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Even in 3D, they didn't see that iceburg coming :(
dodo
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How to distinguish between a psychiatrist and a psychologist:
Present her with a chess problem.
If she starts talking to the black king, she's a psychologist.
If she removes the pieces, and repositions them in the order they should be, she's a psychiatrist.
Present her with a chess problem.
If she starts talking to the black king, she's a psychologist.
If she removes the pieces, and repositions them in the order they should be, she's a psychiatrist.
jbmiller
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A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
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jbmiller said:
dkotschessaa
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jbmiller said:
Did you know the invisible man and the invisible woman got married? Their kids are nothing to look at though...
Jimmy Snyder
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What did they see in each other?dkotschessaa said:
jobyts
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They first met in a nude beach.
rollcast
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Q. Why can't you play cards on the savannah?
A. 'Cause there's too many cheetahs.
A. 'Cause there's too many cheetahs.
rollcast
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http://imgboot.com/images/ritchie888/3223042912906605357568105355762891348271n.jpg
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Anna Blanksch
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"Did you know the invisible man and the invisible woman got married? Their kids are nothing to look at though..."
"What did they see in each other?..."
Hahaha! SO good!
A newspaper hosted a pun competition where whoever submitted the best pun to the paper would win a prize. A man submitted ten of his best puns hoping that one would win but... no pun in ten did.
:)
"What did they see in each other?..."
Hahaha! SO good!
A newspaper hosted a pun competition where whoever submitted the best pun to the paper would win a prize. A man submitted ten of his best puns hoping that one would win but... no pun in ten did.
:)
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Sitting in the living room we had a one-inch diameter metal tube, about thirty inches long, that suddenly looked like it might make a good trumpet. So I gave it a go. Sure enough, it worked like a champ and sounded like a South American soccer game in our living room. Suddenly Tsu came ripping around the corner from the kitchen with a look on her face that lands somewhere between shock and panic. She saw me, froze, glared, and with a definite tone declared that she thought we had an elk or a cow in our living room!
I haven't been able to stop chuckling and laughing ever since.
I haven't been able to stop chuckling and laughing ever since.
QuarkCharmer
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The past, present, and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
dkotschessaa
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QuarkCharmer said:
That made me search for these:
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.
Q: What's another name for Santa's elves?
A: Subordinate Clauses
Teacher: "Josephine, give me a sentence beginning with I."
Josephine: "I is ..."
Teacher: "No, Josephine. It's always 'I am...' "
Josephine: "OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."