Collection of Lame Jokes

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

 

[fresh_42]

I told my friend, that my mom doesn't hear very well. He should speak slowly and loud.
I told my mom, my friend is mentally a bit behind.
Now let's have fun!

 

[jtbell]

Now that the Easter Bunny has finished his big gig for the year, where will he go for vacation?

Grand Rabbits, Michigan.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

Easter in Louisiana

 

[hsdrop]

Easter in Louisiana

View attachment 195184

i'm guessing that bunny eat all the eggs instead of hiding them lol

 

[BillTre]

That bunny incubates its eggs, but if they get too hot they all turn male!

 

[davenn]

i'm guessing that bunny eat all the eggs instead of hiding them lol

That bunny incubates its eggs, but if they get too hot they all turn male!

and on top of all that, it's got to be the ugliest bunny I have ever seen hahaha

 

[nuuskur]

It's the Easter Gator!

 

[Buffu]

Easter in Louisiana

View attachment 195184

That is literally the cutest bunny I have every seen.

 

[EnumaElish]

Easter in Louisiana

View attachment 195184

Clearly the bunny has been devoured.

 

[davenn]

That is literally the cutest bunny I have every seen.

well, as they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder

 

[Stavros Kiri]

and on top of all that, it's got to be the ugliest bunny I have ever seen hahaha

I don't think it's a bunny ...

 

[nuuskur]

What I would like to know is how they put that bunny ear thing around its head without losing at least a finger.

 

[BillTre]

I'm sure that the set of tricks alligator handlers have would include these observations of that photo:

There's a black strap around its muzzle. They have strong closing bites, but weak opening muscles.
Its tail is being held.
Its costume can be snapped on.

and Maybe lowering its body temperature would make it more docile.

 

[DrClaude]

Easter in Louisiana

View attachment 195184

Easter Rabbit, what big teeth you have!

 

[davenn]

Easter Rabbit, what big teeth you have!

speaking of which ... reminds me of the killer bunny in Monty Python - Search for the holy grail

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...11AB1064239C1C924DEA11AB1064239C1C9&FORM=VIRE

 

[phinds]

What I would like to know is how they put that bunny ear thing around its head without losing at least a finger.

This is a particularly smart gator. He figures that by letting himself be disguised as a bunny, he can sneak up on more of them for lunch, so he did not object to the costume.

 

[Borg]

This is a particularly smart gator. He figures that by letting himself be disguised as a bunny, he can sneak up on more of them for lunch, so he did not object to the costume.

I don't think that he accomplished this on his own. He must have had some gator-aide.

 

[256bits]

and Maybe lowering its body temperature would make it more docile.

The bunny ears gives it the look of being docile.
It is hoping its buddies don't see it like that

 

[Stavros Kiri]

What I would like to know is how they put that bunny ear thing around its head without losing at least a finger.

What makes you think they didn't?! ... (or even arm or leg)

 

[Ibix]

What makes you think they didn't?! ... (or even arm or leg)

Lack of blood on the gator, unless they lost a finger but decided to clean its teeth afterwards.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

What's the new, modern, 21st century way to know if a joke is funny?

Spoiler

You google it, to see if you can laugh! ...

 

[davenn]

haha

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

Background: Hash Browns Recalled Over ‘Extraneous Golf Ball Materials’ (snopes.com)

Q: What should you do with golf balls in your hash browns?

A: Just let them play through.

 

[davenn]

Background: Hash Browns Recalled Over ‘Extraneous Golf Ball Materials’ (snopes.com)

far out !

Q: What should you do with golf balls in your hash browns?

A: Just let them play through.

haha

 

[davenn]

Another with a trespassing theme

 

[DrClaude]

Another with a trespassing theme

 

[davenn]

haha
and another on that theme ...

 

[fresh_42]

haha
and another on that theme ...

And some of them are liars!

 

[dkotschessaa]

While we're on signs. My favorite.

 

[fresh_42]

While we're on signs. My favorite.

From this category, my favorite one is this (and I actually know such a place here):

 

[dkotschessaa]

From this category, my favorite one is this (and I actually know such a place here):

View attachment 197129

You might need to explain that one to me.

 

[fresh_42]

You might need to explain that one to me.

The lower one sets a speed limit to $30 \frac{km}{h}$ and the upper one releases the same speed limit, saying the zone where it was valid ended here. I know a street where the lower one is on the right side of the road and the upper exactly at the same place on the left side of the road. And yes, they are both within city limits, so no change of administration at this point.

Edit: We basically use symbols and signs instead of written texts as in the US. Driving in the states has been pretty challenging, because one always had to squint: reading texts every five meters with your right eye, like reading a newspaper, and looking at the tachometer with your left, since speed limits in cities sometimes changed every 200 meters, depending on what kind of building or park there was: 30 - 15 - 45 - 15 - 25 etc. and always several lines of text! What a terrible, terrible way of driving.

 

[phinds]

Driving in the states has been pretty challenging, because one always had to squint: reading texts every five meters with your right eye, like reading a newspaper, and looking at the tachometer with your left, since speed limits in cities sometimes changed every 200 meters, depending on what kind of building or park there was: 30 - 15 - 45 - 15 - 25 etc. and always several lines of text! What a terrible, terrible way of driving.

It's even more fun at some big interchanges when you're trying to figure out what ramp/exit to take and there are 15 different signs you have to decipher while going 60mph

 

[BillTre]

Here is one of my favorite signs.
I have no idea where it came from.

 

[DrGreg]

The lower one sets a speed limit to $30 \frac{km}{h}$ and the upper one releases the same speed limit, saying the zone where it was valid ended here. I know a street where the lower one is on the right side of the road and the upper exactly at the same place on the left side of the road. And yes, they are both within city limits, so no change of administration at this point.

Two thoughts on this.

1. Could one of the signs have been turned round by vandals so it is facing the wrong way?
2. In your country is there any difference between a "30 km/h" limit and a "30 km/h zone"?

 

[fresh_42]

Two thoughts on this.
Could one of the signs have been turned round by vandals so it is facing the wrong way?

Unfortunately not. This wasn't a fake photo. It's simply that some bureaucrats decided to put in a speed limit without
a) ever have seen the actual place other than on street maps, and
b) have therefore no idea what has been set any time earlier. And
c) the guys who installed it simply did what they've been told to do.

In your country is there any difference between a "30 km/h" limit and a "30 km/h zone"?

Not in the sense that it makes a difference. A "30 zone" is usually merely a short range where schools are, children play, noise should be avoided or such. It's similar to the 15 areas in the states and which are separated from the general 50 restriction within city limits. A limit of 30 which is no a "zone" is often due to bad roads and it's validity depends on the road conditions. The "zone" thingy came up in the 80's (I think) and since then they often end with this "zone" text, especially when it affected housing areas or roads on which children may play.

 

[fresh_42]

On this occasion I want to remind of this sign:

There was a road sign put up, which became famous at least in the UK, which says "No entry for heavy goods vehicles. Residential site only". Being in Wales, the sign is bilingual and says, in Welsh, "I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated."

Reference: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/7702913.stm.

Or as DeForest Kelley has put it:
"The bureaucratic mentality is the only constant in the universe."

 

[mfb]

A "30 zone" is usually merely a short range where schools are, children play, noise should be avoided or such.

It can be much larger. Often everything apart from the main roads is part of a "30 zone".

The sign combination does have a meaning. If you turn left or right within a "30 zone", then you are still in the 30 zone, and the speed limit is 30. If you turn left or right after a "speed limit 30 sign", you are at a different road where the other speed limit does not apply any more (you can now drive 50). You could simply extend the 30 zone to the next intersection to have the same effect, however.

Another interesting combination is "end of 30 zone" and "drive carefully, school nearby".

All values in km/h, of course.

 

[fresh_42]

The "F" in Monday stands for "fun".

 

[mfb]

The first of May stands for public holiday!

 

[Stavros Kiri]

The "F" in Monday stands for "fun".

No, that would be the "F" in Friday, ... + fish Fry
(Fryday...)

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

We've had a week of rain here. Normally, no problem. However, Tuesday night I spotted a car on the side of the road and pulled over immediately. The driver is an RN who specializes in at-home births. If she was out it meant business. I walked back to her car and tapped on the window.

"You okay?"

"NO! This stupid car keeps stalling on me. I can drive for one minute then I have to sit for five until it wills start again."

"No prob. Take my car. I'll take yours to my house and you can return my car and get a ride home. I'll call the garage to come get yours tomorrow."

She thanked me profusely and sped away in my Charger.

As I got into her '67 Camaro and got going it struck me, "Here I am 66 years old and I'm finally driving a midwife crisis car."

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

What has an empty black robe and is never going to give you up, never going to let you down?

Spoiler

A Rickwraith (or Naztlêy, in the language of Mordor).

 

[EnumaElish]

View attachment 199470

Got a chuckle

 

[nuuskur]

What is yellow, linear, normed and complete?

A Bananach space!