Collection of Lame Jokes
- Thread starter quddusaliquddus
- Start date
-
- Tags
- Jokes
Join the discussion
Registration is free. Ask a follow-up in this thread, or start your own.
24,334 replies · 3M views
- 19,385
- 15,622
Banned from Costco
I cannot shop at Costco anymore.
Yesterday, I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, who weighs 191 lbs. I was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had--an elephant?
Since I'm retired and have little to do, I decided, on impulse, to have some fun. I told her that no, I didn't have a dog--I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because the last time I tried it, I ended up in the hospital. But before that happened, I had lost 50 pounds!
I went on to explain that I woke up in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. Still, I insisted, it was essentially the perfect diet. The way it worked was simple: load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and eat one or two whenever you felt hungry. The food was nutritionally complete, so it worked well. And despite my past experience, I was planning to try it again.
(I should mention here that practically everyone in line was now captivated by my story.)
The woman, horrified, asked if I had ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.
I told her, "No, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant, and a car hit me."
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack--he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
I cannot shop at Costco anymore.
Yesterday, I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, who weighs 191 lbs. I was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had--an elephant?
Since I'm retired and have little to do, I decided, on impulse, to have some fun. I told her that no, I didn't have a dog--I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because the last time I tried it, I ended up in the hospital. But before that happened, I had lost 50 pounds!
I went on to explain that I woke up in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. Still, I insisted, it was essentially the perfect diet. The way it worked was simple: load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and eat one or two whenever you felt hungry. The food was nutritionally complete, so it worked well. And despite my past experience, I was planning to try it again.
(I should mention here that practically everyone in line was now captivated by my story.)
The woman, horrified, asked if I had ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.
I told her, "No, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant, and a car hit me."
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack--he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Science Advisor
- 13,423
- 4,244
- 20,819
- 28,467
That does not really need a translation, but to whom it may concern, the comment says:
We will die out. Absolutely certain.
We will die out. Absolutely certain.
Klystron
Gold Member
- 1,264
- 1,980
The caption seems rather harsh. The "Welcome" sign is printed upside down and backwards but not in "mirror writing". I assume it is a deliberate joke since the stack of WELCOME mats are also displayed upside down, as mats frequently appear on doorsteps.fresh_42 said:
So, take it with a grain of salt, tongue in cheek, a minor joke, an attempt at humor, quirky and risible, but not a harbinger of end days. ;-)
Klystron
Gold Member
- 1,264
- 1,980
I've seen a gal in Senegal at Zanzi Bar playing Congo drums.WWGD said:
- 20,819
- 28,467
I wish I could share your optimism. I'm afraid that the reality is a sad one.Klystron said:
Science Advisor
- 3,648
- 10,067
It is not printed upside down and backward. All you have to do is rotate the mat 180° to have the "correct" wording (and have the letters ELC facing the right direction).Klystron said:
The comment refers to the laziness of the employee who did not bother to turn it around in the proper way when faced with a word that did not make sense and blindly wrote it on the sign.
But maybe everything was staged as is often the case on the internet.
Attachments
Klystron
Gold Member
- 1,264
- 1,980
Lately I exhaust sadness and despair at our political sister site Civics Watch. I reserve Saturday morning PF for optimism and feeble humor.fresh_42 said:
Klystron
Gold Member
- 1,264
- 1,980
Name the Prince of Wales favorite novel.
Moby Dick
- 20,819
- 28,467
This one is definitely humor:Klystron said:
The sign says "Men's Handbag" and below the title: "Ask your wife how much she paid for her."
edwardII
- 1
- 803
How to change the station when the touch screen doesn't work.
DaveC426913
Gold Member
2025 Award
- 24,696
- 9,098
This joke has not aged well.jtbell said:
I don't remember the last time I saw a bank with a teller.
- 13,926
- 16,804
True. Everybody uses their tellerphone.DaveC426913 said:
Science Advisor
- 3,648
- 10,067
Did someone say pen and teller?DrGreg said:
Science Advisor
- 13,423
- 4,244
One to close out a checking account that I no longer need, and one to deposit the paper check that they gave me.