Collection of Lame Jokes

[berkeman]

 

[nuuskur]

 

[phinds]

Banned from Costco

I cannot shop at Costco anymore.

Yesterday, I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, who weighs 191 lbs. I was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had--an elephant?

Since I'm retired and have little to do, I decided, on impulse, to have some fun. I told her that no, I didn't have a dog--I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because the last time I tried it, I ended up in the hospital. But before that happened, I had lost 50 pounds!

I went on to explain that I woke up in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. Still, I insisted, it was essentially the perfect diet. The way it worked was simple: load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and eat one or two whenever you felt hungry. The food was nutritionally complete, so it worked well. And despite my past experience, I was planning to try it again.

(I should mention here that practically everyone in line was now captivated by my story.)

The woman, horrified, asked if I had ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me.

I told her, "No, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant, and a car hit me."

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack--he was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

 

[dextercioby]

 

[berkeman]

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

That does not really need a translation, but to whom it may concern, the comment says:
We will die out. Absolutely certain.

 

[Klystron]

That does not really need a translation, but to whom it may concern, the comment says:
We will die out. Absolutely certain.


View attachment 358825

The caption seems rather harsh. The "Welcome" sign is printed upside down and backwards but not in "mirror writing". I assume it is a deliberate joke since the stack of WELCOME mats are also displayed upside down, as mats frequently appear on doorsteps.

So, take it with a grain of salt, tongue in cheek, a minor joke, an attempt at humor, quirky and risible, but not a harbinger of end days. ;-)

 

[WWGD]

Senegal was too far for walking, so I took Dakar and drove there.

 

[Klystron]

Senegal was too far for walking, so I took Dakar and drove there.

I've seen a gal in Senegal at Zanzi Bar playing Congo drums.

 

[WWGD]

After his divorce, Robert changed his name to Robert " No Tengo" DeNiro.

 

[fresh_42]

I assume it is a deliberate joke

I wish I could share your optimism. I'm afraid that the reality is a sad one.

 

[jack action]

The caption seems rather harsh. The "Welcome" sign is printed upside down and backwards but not in "mirror writing".

It is not printed upside down and backward. All you have to do is rotate the mat 180° to have the "correct" wording (and have the letters ELC facing the right direction).

The comment refers to the laziness of the employee who did not bother to turn it around in the proper way when faced with a word that did not make sense and blindly wrote it on the sign.

But maybe everything was staged as is often the case on the internet.

 

[Klystron]

I wish I could share your optimism. I'm afraid that the reality is a sad one.

Lately I exhaust sadness and despair at our political sister site Civics Watch. I reserve Saturday morning PF for optimism and feeble humor.

 

[Klystron]

Name the Prince of Wales favorite novel.

Spoiler

Moby Dick

 

[fresh_42]

Lately I exhaust sadness and despair at our political sister site Civics Watch. I reserve Saturday morning PF for optimism and feeble humor.

This one is definitely humor:

The sign says "Men's Handbag" and below the title: "Ask your wife how much she paid for her."

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[dwarde]

How to change the station when the touch screen doesn't work.

 

[jtbell]

Why can't you keep secrets in a bank?

There are too many tellers!

 

[DaveC426913]

Why can't you keep secrets in a bank?

There are too many tellers!

This joke has not aged well.

I don't remember the last time I saw a bank with a teller.

 

[Ibix]

I don't remember the last time I saw a bank with a teller.

True. Everybody uses their tellerphone.

 

[DrGreg]

I don't remember the last time I saw a bank with a teller.

If you find a bank with pens and tellers, that'll be magic!

 

[jack action]

If you find a bank with pens and tellers, that'll be magic!

Did someone say pen and teller?

​

 

[BillTre]

Meanwhile in the surrealistic world of the comic pages:

 

[dextercioby]

 

[jtbell]

I don't remember the last time I saw a bank with a teller.

I was actually in two of them in one day last week. One to close out a checking account that I no longer need, and one to deposit the paper check that they gave me.

 

[jtbell]

If you find a bank with pens and tellers, that'll be magic!

I bet they'd make your money disappear with a snap of the fingers!