Collection of Lame Jokes

[IMP]

Someone in a Prius actually tried to race me the other day, I had him for the first 100 feet but then my legs gave out.

 

[Borg]

Someone in a Prius actually tried to race me the other day, I had him for the first 100 feet but then my legs gave out.

I was out of gas.

 

[Borek]

If you can solve - you are too close!

 

[I like Serena]

If you can solve - you are too close!

Hehe. So if you can't solve, all is good? :P

 

[Char. Limit]

Hehe. So if you can't solve, all is good? :P

Sorry, the logical equivalent is "if you are not too close, then you can't solve!"

 

[mrcheeses]

cow crossed the road

Ohm my god!

 

[dkotschessaa]

Sorry, the logical equivalent is "if you are not too close, then you can't solve!"

if you can solve you are too close

Also
"You can't solve or you are too close"
"It is not the case that You can solve this and you are not too close"

 

[dkotschessaa]

And now, switching to inductive logic:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

 

[dkotschessaa]

Denying the antecedent, (as well as dessert:)

A logician said to his son, “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you can’t have any ice cream.” Upon hearing this, the son choked down a plate of broccoli, and his father, duly impressed, sent him to bed without any ice cream.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

A bumper sticker seen by a friend (or so he says) in the car park at CERN:

IF THIS APPEARS BLUE YOU
ARE TRAVELING TOO FAST​

I need one of those. xD

 

[pailbait]

Man walks into a Doctor's surgery with a strawberry on his head.
The Doctor says "I will give you some cream for that".

 

[DaveC426913]

Another man walks into a Doctor's office with a strawberry on his head, lettuce under each arm and a banana peel in his shorts.
The Doctor says "You're not eating right."

 

[Ibix]

I can haz Heisenberger?

- Schrodinger's lolcat

 

[fuzzyfelt]

I can haz Heisenberger?

- Schrodinger's lolcat

Lol :)

 

[ShayanJ]

A guy goes to kitchen.Looks one side and doesn't see the pan,looks the other side and sees it

 

[QuarkCharmer]

A guy goes to kitchen.Looks one side and doesn't see the pan,looks the other side and sees it

lol

 

[DaveC426913]

lol

I still don't get it.

 

[Ibix]

I still don't get it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panning_(camera )

I think.

Edit: I hope trying to explain jokes isn't against the rules on this thread...

 

[DaveC426913]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panning_(camera )

I think.

Wow. This is lame.

 

[QuarkCharmer]

Wow. This is lame.

I think you mean awesome!

 

[BadBrain]

A friend sent me this joke, which I scientifically corrected and here present for your amusement:

A Higgs boson walks up to the Church of the Charged Particle. The priest confronts him at the door and says: "I'm sorry, but we don't allow charge-neutral particles in here." The Higgs boson replies: "But you can't have mass without me!"

 

[BadBrain]

Denying the antecedent, (as well as dessert:)

A logician said to his son, “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you can’t have any ice cream.” Upon hearing this, the son choked down a plate of broccoli, and his father, duly impressed, sent him to bed without any ice cream.

GREAT! An excellent example of the logical error of the Invited Inference!

***

Whooo! Posted this on a rock 'n' roll-oriented website, and I got my logical pants beaten off!

Here is a better formulation of that joke (actually a riddle) which more perfectly illustrates the logical error of the Invited Inference, without any logical escape other than the Invited Inference:

A logician said to his son, “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you can’t have any ice cream.” Upon hearing this, the son choked down all of his vegetables, and his father, duly impressed, sent him to bed without having allowed his son to eat any ice cream, which meant that the son ate no ice cream that night.

***

Then again, the equation of "broccoli" with "your vegetables" is also an example of the invited inference. This riddle is a proper toofer!

 

[jtbell]

I can't resist lifting this from another thread:

It's "Higgs bosons" not "Higgs bosoms". That's something else entirely.

 

[Drakkith]

I can't resist lifting this from another thread:

Buahaha!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

It's "Higgs bosons" not "Higgs bosoms". That's something else entirely.

And it's the large hadron collider, not the large hardon collider. That too is something else entirely.

 

[Alfi]

And it's the large hadron collider, not the large hardon collider. That too is something else entirely.

oh thank you ... between the bosoms and the hardons


that was a laugh ... thanks

 

[dkotschessaa]

http://chzmemeanimals.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/advice-animals-memes-when-youre-down-by-the-sea-and-an-eel-bites-your-knee-thats-a-moray.png

 

[Ibix]

So Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader are duelling. They lock sabers and struggle for a moment.

"I know what you are getting for Christmas", Vader says.

"Nooo!" yells Skywalker and, with a burst of strength, breaks free. The two go back to trading blows and parries, but after a while Vader manages to lock the blades again.

"I know what you are getting for your birthday", he says.

"That's impossible!" cries Skywalker.

"No, Luke. I have felt your presents."

 

[rollcast]

There was an old miner called Joe and when he was a boy his father told him that the secret to living a long and healthy life was to sprinkle a teaspoon of gunpowder over his porridge every morning.

Joe done this every morning of his life and lived until he was 101.

He left behind, 6 children, 15 grandchildren, 28 great-grandchildren and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

 

[Ibix]

The wake was a blast.