Collection of Lame Jokes

[fresh_42]

Indeed. I believe we stand here on the cusp of a completely new system of reptile-based measurement. I'll post a paper on vixra shortly.

Don't forget to mention this imaginary guy:

 

[mfb]

They coil into circles exactly 1m in diameter and 3m in circumference.

The rebel planet must be really small then. Just 12 meters circumference.

 

[Ibix]

The rebel planet must be really small then. Just 12 meters circumference.

It took me longer than it should to get that one.

 

[Ibix]

Don't forget to mention this imaginary guy:

On a side note, how does anything ever eat a chameleon? The photographer did all of the work for me here. The only thing they could have done to make the animal more obvious would be to trace the outline with a magic marker. And I still have trouble picking it out of the background...

 

[dkotschessaa]

On a side note, how does anything ever eat a chameleon? The photographer did all of the work for me here. The only thing they could have done to make the animal more obvious would be to trace the outline with a magic marker. And I still have trouble picking it out of the background...

Probably just eats the leaves and hopes it gets lucky...

 

[nikkkom]

On a side note, how does anything ever eat a chameleon? The photographer did all of the work for me here. The only thing they could have done to make the animal more obvious would be to trace the outline with a magic marker. And I still have trouble picking it out of the background...

Ha. Try to find a frog in this pic.

 

[sophiecentaur]

It's standing to the left of the rhinoceros. You can recognise the frog as it has a carnation in its buttonhole.

 

[Ibix]

Ha. Try to find a frog in this pic.

The only thing I can see that looks vaguely frog-like is about two thirds of the way across amd a third down. A small orange triangular region just above the right hand end of the large grey-brown leaf oriented top-left/bottom-right.

Rejected response: Do not try to find the frog; that's impossible. Instead remember only the truth: there is no frog.

 

[fresh_42]

I asked my son to hand me the newspaper. He said I should get used to modern times and handed me the iPad. So what, the fly is dead now.

 

[jtbell]

From an advertisement in the program book for the concert that I attended yesterday:

Please stay awake during the symphony, there will be time to rest later. (And we've got just the place.)
—Lake View Cemetery

 

[nikkkom]

The only thing I can see that looks vaguely frog-like is about two thirds of the way across amd a third down. A small orange triangular region just above the right hand end of the large grey-brown leaf oriented top-left/bottom-right.

Hmmm... can you attach an edited photo where you circle it? (BTW, yes, there is a frog in the photo, I'm not messing with you guys).

 

[davenn]

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Dedicated for those who are afraid to watch it until the end ...


P.S. It's not what you may think! Give it a try. It's funny ...

 

[Stavros Kiri]

I asked my son to hand me the newspaper. He said I should get used to modern times and handed me the iPad. So what, the fly is dead now.

Is the iPad still "alive"?

 

[Ibix]

Hmmm... can you attach an edited photo where you circle it?

Spoiler

(BTW, yes, there is a frog in the photo,

I believe you.

I'm not messing with you guys).

I dispute this.

 

[nikkkom]

Spoiler

View attachment 203910

Er... not exactly... Here it is:

Spoiler

 

[davenn]

Grammar is important

I don't think I have ever met a disabled elderly pregnant child before ?

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Grammar is important

Syntax actually. Commas would have saved it!

I don't think I have ever met a disabled elderly pregnant child before ?

... and doing shopping

 

[davenn]

Haha

 

[OmCheeto]

A mechanic was working late one night when a man walked into his shop. "Can you help me?" the man asked. "I think I am a moth."

The mechanic replied, "I am a mechanic. You need a psychiatrist."

"Yes, I know," replied the man.

"Then why did you come here?"

"Your light was on."​

Courtesy of Car Talk

 

[DrGreg]

Better: What do you call a snake that coils into a circle exactly 1m in diameter?.

A snake coiled into a spiral inside pastry would be a piethon. (Add kidneys to get snake and kidney pie.)

 

[DaveC426913]

Feed it a toddler and you'd have Snake and Kiddie Pie.

 

[fresh_42]

Doc: Are you doing any extreme sports?
Me: From time to time I answer back my wife.

 

[Ibix]

Er... not exactly... Here it is:

It's facing to the right? I can just about see legs on the left hand side. I think.

 

[fresh_42]

Er... not exactly... Here it is:

Spoiler

View attachment 203916

It's facing to the right? I can just about see legs on the left hand side. I think.

Italian agile frog?

 

[davenn]

Doc: Are you doing any extreme sports?
Me: From time to time I answer back my wife.

I knew I had a good response for that ...

 

[nikkkom]

It's facing to the right? I can just about see legs on the left hand side. I think.

Yes. Here it is, cut out from the photo.

Spoiler

 

[Ibix]

Yes. Here it is, cut out from the photo.

I would maje a lousy predator.

 

[fresh_42]

I would maje a lousy predator.

Don't mind, the guys we're after cannot be slipped that easy

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

On a side note, how does anything ever eat a chameleon? The photographer did all of the work for me here. The only thing they could have done to make the animal more obvious would be to trace the outline with a magic marker. And I still have trouble picking it out of the background...

Color blind predators?

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

Ha. Try to find a frog in this pic.

View attachment 203849

I see nine ninjas...

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Yes. Here it is, cut out from the photo.

Spoiler

View attachment 204088

It seems dried off and dead though ... like the whole scene in the photo. But it's still a frog!

Don't mind, the guys we're after cannot be slipped that easy

Sure can't miss those!

I see nine ninjas.

Where? Can you circle them?

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

It seems dried off and dead though ... like the whole scene in the photo. But it's still a frog!

Sure can't miss those!

Where? Can you circle them?

Ninjas don't circle.

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

It is now proven that J.K. Rowling is a witch.

She turned Eddie Redmayne into a Newt.

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

I went to buy toilet paper today. Charmin has "mega rolls", where 18 mega rolls equals 72 regular rolls. I wanted to buy two packages of that, but decided that would be gross.

 

[davenn]

good for a giggle

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

good for a giggle

View attachment 204215

Giggle, yes. Fact, no. http://www.snopes.com/horrors/techno/radar.asp

Cheers.

 

[Ibix]

That's one of the less plausible tellings of that one I've heard, it must be said. Funny though.

This one's in a similar vein: https://www.physicsforums.com/threads/science-jokes-p2.847743/#post-5346238
The editorial comment at the bottom is on the money for me.

 

[davenn]

Giggle, yes. Fact, no. http://www.snopes.com/horrors/techno/radar.asp

Cheers.

well I never stated it as a fact, after all it is a jokes forum section and next to nothing posted in this section bears any
resemblance to reality
that said there are some things I didn't like in that link you posted, they too have glossed over some realities

 

[davenn]

That's one of the less plausible tellings of that one I've heard, it must be said. Funny though.

This one's in a similar vein: https://www.physicsforums.com/threads/science-jokes-p2.847743/#post-5346238
The editorial comment at the bottom is on the money for me.

yeah that one is an oldie and a goodie ... the original version of that I read was based in the English Channel, between Britain and France

tis wonderful to watch how these stories morph over the years

 

[Ibix]

tis wonderful to watch how these stories morph over the years

Indeed. The first time I heard it was on a Star Trek mailing list, where the carrier was named as the Enterprise. Captain's name not given, though.

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

well I never stated it as a fact, after all it is a jokes forum section and next to nothing posted in this section bears any
resemblance to reality
that said there are some things I didn't like in that link you posted, they too have glossed over some realities

I wasn't saying you were deliberately lying, I was saying that the shoes don't match that hat!

 

[fresh_42]

Let's go for a new story then, as had happened to me some years ago. I have told it in a different thread about public speaking, but as we talk about funny real life stories, here it goes.

There had been a famous worldwide computer virus in the nineties. It was an email virus and its hook was the subject line: "I love you". Maybe some of you will remember. We had a lot of fun at the time competing who had the most of them in our mailboxes. It was more annoying than causing serious trouble. Anyway, the hook line became famous in a way.

As our company changed its mail system to outlook, all local IT managers worldwide had gathered in UK's headquarter for a conference on how the new architecture had been installed and to be used. At the end of the talk, we could ask questions and I wanted to know how to deal with a massive infection with a then central server, so I stood up and asked completely seriously:
"Geoffrey, just in case of "I love you"... - that was how far I got as Geoffrey all of a sudden replied: "Oh, you better don't!"

 

[davenn]

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

View attachment 204246

That's why trenching machines are so handy.

 

[davenn]

 

[EnumaElish]

View attachment 204259

It's next to, but not quite, impossible to find someone who can do that - it's a specific form of synesthesia.

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

It's next to, but not quite, impossible to find someone who can do that - it's a specific form of synesthesia.

Reminds me of my rules of marriage.

1. If, during a domestic dispute, the husband is found to be wrong, he should apologize immediately.

2. If, during a domestic dispute, the husband is found to be right, he should apologize immediately.

3. When in doubt, you're wrong.

 

[Drakkith]

A couple of friends super glued a baby carrier onto the top of their car and went driving around LA. The cops weren't amused.

For a few seconds I was picturing a baby aircraft carrier.

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

For a few seconds I was picturing a baby aircraft carrier.

Wasp, Hornet, etc.?