Collection of Lame Jokes

[DrGreg]

My friend's motto was ...

My other friend's motto was "fight fire with fire".

And that's why he was fired as a firefighter.

 

[fresh_42]

My other friend's motto was "fight fire with fire".

And that's why he was fired as a firefighter.

I assume, you also have a friend who was fired as a carpenter because he screwed up everything.

 

[jtbell]

How do they warm up for the Indianapolis 500?

With the Wienie 500!

 

[berkeman]

Wienie winner by a nose!

 

[fresh_42]

Funny thing is, although this stuff has a German / Austrian name, I have never seen it anywhere in Europe. We eat them with potato salad or a real bun and only mustard.

 

[nsaspook]

 

[renormalize]

Funny thing is, although this stuff has a German / Austrian name, I have never seen it anywhere in Europe. We eat them with potato salad or a real bun and only mustard.

Coincidentally, today's New York Times has an article about hot dogs in Ukraine:

https://www.nytimes.com/2025/05/24/world/europe/ukraine-hot-dogs.html
(requires a free account to read)

 

[WWGD]

Genghis Khan didn't arrive at Europe just all of the sudden. He did it Steppe by Steppe.

 

[fresh_42]

Genghis Khan didn't arrive at Europe just all of the sudden. He did it Steppe by Steppe.

What do Genghis Khan, Shakespeare, and Jesus have in common?

 

[WWGD]

What do Genghis Khan, Shakespeare, and Jesus have in common?

I khan(t)/Kant tell.

 

[fresh_42]

I khan(t)/Kant tell.

Nobody knows where their bodies are.

 

[Ibix]

Genghis Khan didn't arrive at Europe just all of the sudden. He did it Steppe by Steppe.

What do you get if you cross a terrawatt laser, a deuterium pellet, and a primitive human leader from the steppes?

Khan-fusion.

(From Star Control II, apparently told by the Umgah, who are touted as a race of expert jokers. Once you deal with the thing that's mind controlling them they are actually pretty funny even when they're trying to kill you.)

 

[BillTre]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[WWGD]

There's no demand for jokes on Economics.

 

[fresh_42]

Not sure, whether this has an equivalent in the US, but it works for Europeans:

Spare a thought for poor old Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair.
After arriving in a hotel in Manchester, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman nodded and said, "That will be £3 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"Well, we do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday from 6 pm until 8 pm. We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours. That will be £4 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up.
He took his drink and walked towards a seat. "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £4. You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you £2."
"I think you may be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please".
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in, he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of £4 for your seat sir".
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another £4."
O'Leary was so incensed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
"I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be £2 please."
O'Leary's face was red with rage. "Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary."
"I've had enough! What sort of a Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only £1 per second, or part thereof".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK sir, but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £3."
Have a good weekend.

 

[DennisN]

Good to know if you ever get attacked by a bear:

...and something different...

 

[jtbell]

Have you ever turned down a road that looked like it would take you where you wanted to go, but it took you somewhere else, instead?

That's called an obstacle illusion.

 

[dextercioby]

 

[DaveC426913]

...and something different...

Citation, for those who know:

 

[DennisN]

 

[mjc123]

If you've had a hard drive, try a nice bike ride...

 

[Ibix]

If you've had a hard drive, try a nice bike ride...

View attachment 361471

You have to be a bit nuts to cycle in the north of Scotland, IMO.

Apparently the sign was real, but only there for a few days and nobody knows who put it up or who took it down.

 

[fresh_42]

You have to be a bit nuts to cycle in the north of Scotland, IMO.

Explain. Explain.

 

[Ibix]

Explain. Explain.

It gets dark early, the terrain can be pretty steep, and the weather isn't great. Or am I missing a joke on your part?

 

[fresh_42]

It gets dark early, the terrain can be pretty steep, and the weather isn't great. Or am I missing a joke on your part?

No, just curiosity in Dalek speech.

 

[WWGD]

Maybe Inver Nessy is roaming about? ;).

 

[berkeman]

 

[jtbell]

What's the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels.

 

[berkeman]