Collection of Lame Jokes

[CompuChip]

And what's the deal with the town of Umleitung? You follow the signs to it for a while, and then they stop and there's no town there!

Oh is that a town? I thought that was their Chinese Minister of Traffic.

 

[Borg]

The center of the universe is a bit out of my reach, but I grew up a few miles from the Center of the World, and drove through it regularly on my way to and from college.

My college was a bit different.

 

[Bacle2]

A prostitute in a small town, talking to a man:

prostitute: hi, big guy, looking for a good time?

man: uh, no, thanks.

prostitute: o.k, say hi to your mom!

 

[Bacle2]

1)Dr. Kevorkian is also an accomplished pianist, put out a CD , called "unplugged".

2)(Old one) Every time a woman goes to her doctor, he asks her to undress for the consultation. One day the woman gets tired of it and complains: "doctor, why do you ask me to undress everytime I have an appointment?" doctor replies: " lady, if you don't like it, get yourself another dentist!"

 

[lisab]

http://www.picslap.com/sites/default/files/field/image/whimaway.jpg

 

[micromass]

http://www.picslap.com/sites/default/files/field/image/whimaway.jpg

Thanks a LOT. Now that's stuck in my head for the next week...

 

[lisab]

Thanks a LOT. Now that's stuck in my head for the next week...

I KNOW! it's the worst ear worm, ever!

 

[IMP]

Did you hear about the man who was cooled to absolute zero?

He's 0 K now.

 

[cobalt124]

1)Dr. Kevorkian is also an accomplished pianist, put out a CD , called "unplugged".

There's also the man who played the piano in One Direction, after four bars he fell off the end.

 

[OmCheeto]

Yesterday's random thoughts seemed to revolve around music.
Today, it has started out with chickens.

​

 

[DevilsAvocado]

Feeling a bit gloomy? Why not go to Germany and spend the weekend at this http://www.hotel-fueck.de/index.php?lang=en?

 

[Ibix]

There was a crazy guy throwing stuff around in the store today. I got hit by a bottle of Omega 3 pills, but it's ok. I only had super fish oil injuries.

 

[DevilsAvocado]

My college was a bit different.

You were lucky, we had it tough.

 

[dkotschessaa]

I think I created possibly the lamest math joke.

What do mathematicians put on their pancakes?

Theorep.

Thank you, thank you very much.

 

[OmCheeto]

Scientists today decided to accept the "quantum kilogram" as the new international standard mass unit. Unfortunately, no one could understand it.

Scientists today placed their "quantum kilogram" on a scale for the first time. Unfortunately, it collapsed.

Scientists are delighted about the cost efficiency of their new "quantum kilogram", as it can be studied in multiple labs at once.



sorry...

 

[HeLiXe]

You were lucky, we had it tough.

lolololll this is so great

 

[Borg]

lolololll this is so great

I liked the fact that I didn't see the fine print the first time that I read it.

 

[Evo]

I liked the fact that I didn't see the fine print the first time that I read it.

That was really funny!

 

[lisab]

Why does hamburger have less energy than steak?

Spoiler

Because it's in the ground state.

 

[xpeteyzx]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from KFC

Why did the second chicken cross the road?

He was playing follow the leader

 

[dkotschessaa]

How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?

...one.

 

[OmCheeto]

Scientists today decided to accept the "quantum kilogram" as the new international standard mass unit. ...

Several dead scientists were asked their opinion of the decision today:

Feinman; "I don't understand the decision."
Einstein; "Spooky."
Teller; "No one voted for the mega-ton as the standard... Idiots..."
Schrodinger; "The problem is, a cat, somewhere, will die every time you look at it, or, perhaps not."
Dyson; "I preferred the silicon sphere myself."*
Heisenberg; "Ah! Hahahahaha!"




sorry...


*Dyson is actually still alive, as of this posting. Knocks on wood.

 

[Borg]

Several dead scientists were asked their opinion of the decision today:

Feinman; "I don't understand the decision."
Einstein; "Spooky."
Teller; "No one voted for the mega-ton as the standard... Idiots..."
Schrodinger; "The problem is, a cat, somewhere, will die every time you look at it, or, perhaps not."
Dyson; "I preferred the silicon sphere myself."*
Heisenberg; "Ah! Hahahahaha!"




sorry...


*Dyson is actually still alive, as of this posting. Knocks on wood.

But weight, there's more! For a limited time, you can get your own quantum kilogram. Just call and don't call the 800 number and your order will be teleported to you.


Disclaimer: Quantum kilograms available in all states before ordering. Your quantum kilogram may not be available after you order it. Quantum teleportation not available with current technology.

 

[jtbell]

During my morning walk today, I passed a house that had a piece of equipment on the lawn, with a sign next to it:

FOR SALE - 1/2 HP ELECTRIC WENCH

 

[OmCheeto]

​

 

[jtbell]

Time for a geography quiz!

 

[jedishrfu]

Einstein developed a theory about space... and it was about time.

 

[cyberdiver]

Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton and Blaise Pascal were playing hide-and-seek one fine afternoon. It was decided that Einstein would seek, and Newton and Pascal would hide. He covered his eyes and began counting, "One, two, three...". Pascal dashed into the trees, while Newton drew a large square with a piece of chalk, then stood in it.
"...eight, nine, ten!"
Immediately, Einstein told Newton, "I found you!"
He replied, "No, you found one Newton per square metre; you found Pascal!"

 

[drizzle]

Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton and Blaise Pascal were playing hide-and-seek one fine afternoon. It was decided that Einstein would seek, and Newton and Pascal would hide. He covered his eyes and began counting, "One, two, three...". Pascal dashed into the trees, while Newton drew a large square with a piece of chalk, then stood in it.
"...eight, nine, ten!"
Immediately, Einstein told Newton, "I found you!"
He replied, "No, you found one Newton per square metre; you found Pascal!"

Lol.

 

[xunxine]

[Got this joke in my email]

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit… She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy...."It's a puppy!"