Collection of Lame Jokes

[davenn]

in the Halloween theme ...

 

[DaveC426913]

Spoiler: Waring: Naughty Tongue Twister

I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son,
And I'm only plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucker comes.

 

[davenn]

Spoiler: Waring: Naughty Tongue Twister

I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant plucker's son,
And I'm only plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucker comes.

only naughty if you mispronounce it

I learned a variation on that one the second line is different

I'm not the pheasant plucker, I'm the pheasant pluckers' son,
I like plucking pheasants, pheasant plucking's fun

 

[Ibix]

Esau saw a saw saw wood no other wood saw Wood saw would saw wood

Esau observed a saw cut wood that no other saw he observed would cut... wood? Is there another way to parse that so that the final "wood" is valid?

 

[mfb]

It is valid if we add a comma after the first “wood”.

 

[OCR]

Is there another way to parse that so that the final "wood" is valid?

Well, I tried !

 

[jtbell]

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

You call that difficult? Try:

The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.

 

[jtbell]

"Hey, where'd you get that cool Halloween tie, orange and black with spiders on it?"

"On the web, of course."

 

[DaveC426913]

The sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick.

Beat you by 10 posts and 25 hours, 29 minutes.

 

[jtbell]

Beat you by 10 posts and 25 hours, 29 minutes.

Serves me right for not reading the intervening posts.

 

[davenn]

 

[DaveC426913]

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.

The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."

 

[davenn]

haha

 

[stoomart]

What did the cemetary worker say when he realized he buried the body in the wrong place?

I've made a grave mistake.

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

One year my GF was having Thanksgiving at her house. Now she had seven brothers and sisters, their spouses, and a small army of nieces and nephews to feed. I helped her with the shopping and she promised to tell them I had to be in San Diego that weekend.

As we're trying to find a bird the size of Rodan she started grumbling about her father and brothers fighting on the drumsticks. I laughed and said, "Get this." She eyed the package and then burst out laughing.

Come Thanksgiving Day the ladies were all in on the joke and fought to keep the guys out of the kitchen. When the meal was ready Kim's Mom brings in the covered tray and sets it down in front of her husband. The squabbling begin immediately. That's when Mom starts yelling:

"Well you all just shut up!" She removed the cover to show the turkey, and the four additional legs Kim had bought. A six legged turkey.

So, of course, the guys started arguing about who gets the "original" legs.

Phase two kicked in at that point as all the women pulled out wooden spoons and started whacking the nearest guy on the head it with.

Ever after that was known as the Thanksgiving of the Chernobyl Turkey.

 

[BillTre]

Good name.
I'd give it a Hi-6!

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

Good name.
I'd give it a Hi-6!

:gooble:

 

[davenn]

Saturday giggle

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

...
The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

"My mother-in-law, she came to help my wife and the dog killed her, also."A very touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the 2 men.

The Jewish man then asked, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man answered " Get in Line"

 

[davenn]

Best offers ...

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

Looks like Shia LaBeouf's first car from the original "Transformers" movie.

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

https://safr.kingfeatures.com/idn/c...wMDUvMDEvQml6YXJyb19wLjIwMDUwMTE3XzYxNi5naWY=

 

[fresh_42]

"Welcome to our weekly meeting! You'll find the topics on page one and the results of our last meeting in the appendix of the handout."

"Sorry, Sir! You've forgotten the appendix."

"No, I haven't."

 

[davenn]

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

Is that why pizza is lop-sided?

 

[jtbell]

Looks like Shia LaBeouf's first car from the original "Transformers" movie.

Nah...

from Time magazine's top ten fictional cars

 

[jtbell]

Today my wife and I were at a concert at the Peace Center, the performing arts center in Greenville SC. It's named not after an ideal, but a prominent local family who donated much of the money to build it. Every time I go there I wonder if any of the men in the family were named Warren.

 

[davenn]

Today my wife and I were at a concert at the Peace Center, the performing arts center in Greenville SC. It's named not after an ideal, but a prominent local family who donated much of the money to build it. Every time I go there I wonder if any of the men in the family were named Warren.

subtle, I like it

 

[jtbell]

Not so subtle: Houston, Texas had a real philanthropist named Ima Hogg.

 

[ISamson]

This is a huge, big, scary, frightening, horrendous, disgusting lame joke with a huge white beard and a pencil in his hand, doing a calculation for one hundred years.

Ramdom.

 

[ISamson]

Has this been posted already?

Lame right?

 

[WWGD]

Q: How many people work in your company?
A: Around 10, the rest basically sit on their a$$ all day doing nothing.

 

[fresh_42]

If I was a doc at a hospital, I had a calendar from 2030 in the wake-up room.

 

[WWGD]

Looks like Shia LaBeouf's first car from the original "Transformers" movie.

"Where's LeBeouf?" Ins't that Wendy's commercial? Or, is it," Ou est LeBeef?"

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

What do you call it when you set out a dead fish and sit next to it with an insect net in your hand?

Fly fishing.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 215827

I once saw a similar cartoon in which the cat was accompanied by a "thought bubble" that read, "%#$&@ flat screen monitors!"

 

[Vanadium 50]

You've heard one NP-complete joke, you've heard them all.

 

[Ibix]

You've heard one NP-complete joke, you've heard them all.

Unfortunately, there's no known way to tell one in less than exponential time.

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 215827

The birds aren't better off:

 

[DrGreg]

The birds aren't better off:

At least they can still tweet.

 

[fresh_42]

At least they can still tweet.

Now was it or was it not? To tweet or not to tweet, that's the dump question. I like to think it was (an allusion).

 

[davenn]

hahahaha100% real working perpetual motion machine...

 

[jtbell]

A new family moved into my neighborhood recently, along the route that I always take on my daily walk. They put up a low wooden picket fence, about 18" (45cm) high, all around their front yard. Every time I walk by, their small white dog comes out and runs along the inside of the fence, yapping furiously at me. But even though it's almost as tall as the fence, it never comes out onto the road to chase me. Could it be because... white dogs can't jump?

 

[Stavros Kiri]

At least they can still tweet.

Well, so can we (wireless) ...

 

[stoomart]

Why did the blind man fall down the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

 

[Ibix]

What animals make the best secret agents?

Spyders.

 

[DrGreg]

What animals make the best secret agents?

Spyders.

Especially spyders with only 007 legs.

 

[Mark44]

Especially spyders with only 007 legs.

And if they had one more leg, they would have 010 of them.

Spoiler

This is pretty arcane, but some C programmers and web developers might get this...
Hint: $010 \ne 10$