Collection of Lame Jokes

[Psinter]

Cortana, tell Google to tell Siri to tell Alexa to play my playlist.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

100 kilopascals go into a bar.

Multi-nutrients are already in the bar! ... Who knows what their get-together might bring ...

 

[mfb]

Multi-nutrients are already in the bar! ... Who knows what their get-together might bring ...

As long as we don’t run out of space in the bar...

 

[jtbell]

Meanwhile, back in New York, where the temperature is forecast to be 11 F (-12 C) in Times Square tonight, they've prepared a new song for the New Year's Eve celebration: "Cold Lang Syne."

 

[newjerseyrunner]

What is the most common language used in software engineering?

Profanity.

 

[davenn]

it was a good place to be today and going to be even hotter over the next couple of days.
They are predicting 40+ C in my area

Dave

 

[davenn]

now speaking of Aussie pubs. This is a classic old song performed by the Australian C&W singer/songwriter, Slim Dusty



Lyrics
It's lonesome away from your kindred and all
By the campfire at night where the wild Dingos call
But there's nothin' so lonesome, so dull or so drear
Than to stand in the bar of a pub with no beer

Now the Publican's anxious for the quota to come
There's a faraway look on the face of the bum
The maid's gone all cranky and the cook's acting queer
What a terrible place is a pub with no beer

The stock man rides up with his dry, dusty throat
He breasts up till the bar, pulls a wad from his coat
But the smile on his face quickly turns to a sneer
When the barman says suddenly, "The pub's got no beer"

There's a dog on the verandah, for his master he waits
But the boss is inside drinking wine with his mates
He hurries for cover and he cringes in fear
It's no place for a dog round a pub with no beer

Old Billy, the blacksmith, the first time in his life
Has gone home cold sober to his darling wife
He walks in the kitchen, she says, "You're early, me dear"
Then he breaks down and he tells her that the pub's got no beer

It's lonesome away from your kindred and all
By the campfire at night where the wild Dingos call
But there's nothin' so lonesome, so dull or so drear
Than to stand in the bar of a pub with no beer
Songwriters: GORDON NOEL PARSONS
© EMI Music Publishing
For non-commercial use only.
Data From: LyricFind

 

[lekh2003]

This thread is too good. So much lame. I think that once we pass a certain threshold of lameness, the jokes become good.

 

[fresh_42]

now speaking of Aussie pubs. This is a classic old song performed by the Australian C&W singer/songwriter, Slim Dusty

Lyrics
It's lonesome away from your kindred and all
By the campfire at night where the wild Dingos call
But there's nothin' so lonesome, so dull or so drear
Than to stand in the bar of a pub with no beer
...

I see a light inclination towards catastrophes: Earth quakes, pubs with no beer. What's next? Locusts again?

 

[AlexCaledin]

 

[jtbell]

I guess some jokes about tweeters are too political for this forum.

 

[jtbell]

The current "most unusual food" thread reminded me...

A group of guys went on a camping trip. They drew straws to choose who would cook the meals, and made a rule that whoever complained about the food would have to take over the job. Mr. Short Straw wasn't a great cook, but nobody complained, so he was stuck. After a while, in desperation, he took some moose droppings and stirred them into the stew when the others weren't looking.

While eating the stew, his companions looked at each other uneasily. Finally one of them spoke up:

"Wow, this stuff tastes like moose sh-- ... but good!"

 

[Borg]

What is the most common language used in software engineering?

Profanity.

Man is that ever true.

 

[fresh_42]

Man is that ever true.

I used to put it this way:
There are always two things missing and missed in a SW project: A punching ball and a bottle of Cognac.

 

[lekh2003]

Cortana, tell Google to tell Siri to tell Alexa to play my playlist.

There are literal videos of people doing things like this and the assistants just start talking each other. They just converse with each other and say the most random things. It always makes me wonder what happens when their conversations begin to make sense...

 

[ISamson]

This is a 200-page thread! WOW! Amazing. 1st post in 2004!

 

[lekh2003]

This is a 200-page thread! WOW! Amazing. 1st post in 2004!

Actually the thread of Random thoughts must have been much longer if it was still one thread. The server apparently could not hold all of the pages.

 

[Psinter]

You will never capture my data alive, Meltdown and Spectre. Never!

I shall sudo rm -rf /

 

[Psinter]

Siri, how can I have an affair?
Siri: Step 1. Get a partner for starters.

As a curiosity note, can you believe you can Google that and get results with lots of anecdotes on why other people failed? Humans.

 

[lekh2003]

They get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.

The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now!" shouts Schrodinger.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

Found this on reddit.

 

[Psinter]

So to get Gmail I need a First name and a Last name, eh?...

First name: Ethan
Last name: Ol

 

[fresh_42]

So to get Gmail I need a First name and a Last name, eh?...

First name: Ethan
Last name: Ol

Let me guess: He lives in Bhutan?

 

[MarkusBerg]

If your wrong and you remain silent your wise.
If your right and you remain silent your married

Lame!

 

[Ibix]

A guy in my office has got his wrist in plaster. Most of us made sympathetic "oh no, how did you break it?" noises when we first saw him. Except one guy who, without missing a beat, goes "Mate! What's the craic?!"

(I am aware that there is some debate about the spelling of craic/crack in this context.)

 

[MarkusBerg]

A guy in my office has got his wrist in plaster. Most of us made sympathetic "oh no, how did you break it?" noises when we first saw him. Except one guy who, without missing a beat, goes "Mate! What's the craic?!"

(I am aware that there is some debate about the spelling of craic/crack in this context.)

It makes no difference to me

 

[jtbell]

What do you call Mr. Potato Head after he starts posting his videos on line?

A YouTuber.

 

[Psinter]

What do you call Mr. Potato Head after he starts posting his videos on line?

A YouTuber.

I don't get it.

 

[Ibix]

I don't get it.

A potato is a kind of tuber.

 

[Psinter]

A potato is a kind of tuber.

Ahaha.

 

[lekh2003]

Ahaha.

This thread is called lame jokes, cut it with the sarcastic laughing (unless you weren't, which I can't interpret over wifi).

 

[fresh_42]

Dear Customer Service,

first I want to tell you that I'm writing this letter with my middle fingers ...

 

[jtbell]

And for those of you who didn't get the other cultural reference in my lame joke:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr._Potato_Head

I had one of these when I was a kid. According to the dates in the article, it must have been the original version in which you had to supply your own potato, or rather, my mom did.

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

Well, at least the cop on the left seems to be laughing. This is unusual for coppers on duty, in my experience.

 

[lekh2003]

View attachment 218395

My phone was recently destroyed by an internal hardware issue and I lost at least 3 GB of high quality memes fresh from Reddit. It was a sad day.

 

[davenn]

not good

I don't rely on my phone for mass storage ... it's all done on the PC with backups

Dave

 

[lekh2003]

not good

I don't rely on my phone for mass storage ... it's all done on the PC with backups

Dave

I backed up everything, but Google photos decided that my memes weren't good enough to back up.

Edit: I was beta testing Google's apps.

 

[davenn]

I backed up everything, but Google photos decided that my memes weren't good enough to back up.

I refuse to use anything that involved storage in "the cloud" whatever the form. I don't trust them
and you have further reinforced my belief that they are a bad idea

 

[lekh2003]

I refuse to use anything that involved storage in "the cloud" whatever the form. I don't trust them
and you have further reinforced my belief that they are a bad idea

I have everything on the cloud for simple ease of access. I have several devices and the cloud makes it easy to access files from anywhere.

And cut Google some slack, they were still testing new features.

 

[davenn]

I have everything on the cloud for simple ease of access. I have several devices and the cloud makes it easy to access files from anywhere.

And cut Google some slack, they were still testing new features.

no way I would do that

cut slack ... no way on that either ... they have been a total pain in the butt with all their garbage, the way they have taken over stuff

anyway all this is totally off topic ... let's return to jokes

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 218405

That reminds me of an old one:

Did you know Cleopatra used to bathe in donkey's milk?

Really? Pasteurised?

No, only up to her tummy button.

 

[Psinter]

My phone was recently destroyed by an internal hardware issue and I lost at last 3 GB of high quality memes fresh from Reddit. It was a sad day.

When someone threatens to delete your memes if you don't speak: Nooooooooo. Not my memes! Anything but that!

(sort of a lame joke)

 

[lekh2003]

Is this not lame enough?

 

[mfb]

Ah, the good old browser downloader program.

 

[lekh2003]

I can keep em coming.

 

[jtbell]

Where do pigs post their selfies?

On Instaham.

 

[Borg]

Dear Customer Service,

first I want to tell you that I'm writing this letter with my middle fingers ...

I may actually use that one.

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 218556

Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays us from our appointed duties - but we do draw the line when our car is actually buried under ice.