Collection of Lame Jokes

[Bandersnatch]

What's small, red and knocks on the window?

A baby in the oven.

 

[jmneutr0nn3]

A lame joke about octopus: How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten- Tickles!

 

[Nick O]

Back in Calculus 1, someone asked the professor what his favorite math joke was. He said, "Let epsilon be less than zero."

 

[dkotschessaa]

Back in Calculus 1, someone asked the professor what his favorite math joke was. He said, "Let epsilon be less than zero."

After two semesters of analysis, reading this hurts my brain!

 

[Ibix]

I've been cleaning up my inbox. This one isn't really topical anymore, but during the whole "CERN results suggest neutrinos may be superluminal" thing, I got the following email exchange:

Friend 1: The barman says "Get out! We respect the laws of causality in here!" Then a neutrino walks into the bar.
Friend 2: Friend 1, have you thought of making a joke about the superluminal neutrinos?
Friend 1: I feel like making up a joke. Does anyone have any ideas?

 

[jmneutr0nn3]

Another lame joke to share: What do prisoners use to call each other? Cellphones!

 

[256bits]

Nothing like a good super sex joke.
What? You will have the soup!

 

[MostlyHarmless]

What if, the last line, of the last book of Harry Potter was, "And then Harry woke up, in the cupboard under the stairs."

 

[jmneutr0nn3]

Why don't you ever shower with a Pokemon? -Because it will Pikachu! (Peek At You)

 

[Nick O]

How many combinations of "u" Pokemon are there from a set of "i" Pokemon?

I like this one.

 

[Borek]

One of Polish publishing houses specializing in linguistics offers "Klingon for beginners" with "recordings by native speakers".

 

[jmneutr0nn3]

What did one fish say to the other? If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.

 

[dkotschessaa]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xpf1/t1.0-9/10462800_573460759424893_7457467475562386534_n.jpg

 

[jmneutr0nn3]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Wow... did Gandhi really suffered from halitosis and calluses on his feet in real life?

Another lame joke to add:
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
“No thanks, I’m traveling light.”

 

[WWGD]

Changing my diet has helped me become regular; I now evacuate at 7a.m every day. Unfortunately, I wake up at 8 .

 

[jmneutr0nn3]

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

 

[jtbell]

Where did the Lone Ranger take his garbage?

To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!

 

[WildHYDRA]

Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

To get to the same side...

 

[Psinter]

Here's a funny, yet a little lame, quote I found:

Plants produce the precious oxygen we need to live. Let's stop vegetarians from eating our forests before it's too late.

 

[X89codered89X]

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. They are very efficient and not very funny.

 

[Enigman]

 

[Borek]

Official Polish small business register:

https://prod.ceidg.gov.pl/CEIDG/cei....aspx?Id=e82735cd-bc2b-4ac0-8bac-a1dc54d8c013

(I am listed somewhere there as well).

 

[Psinter]

Text messaging

Girlfriend text message: When exactly do you plan to come back home?! It's late! *angry*

Answer to text message (somehow trying to sound like a sir): Oh my cherished lady. It is of great regret to inform you that I need to spend some more time with my preeminent friends for we need to finish a very important business. But agonize not. In a few minutes I will bestride the Taku Winds in direction of our renowned mansion and share this wonderful night under the warmth of your most precious beauty and admirable presence. Please receive my most heartfelt apologies, my exalted baroness. As proof I attach an image of my illustrious friend and I discussing very important matters. As you can admire, I am very exasperated from being asunder from you. I hold with great vehemence our conjoining in our $100 million mansion tonight.

http://img.izifunny.com/pics/20120415/640/feel-like-a-sir-14-pics_14.jpg

 

[nuuskur]

Very important business, evidently :P

 

[DivergentSpectrum]

the bartender says "sorry, we don't serve tachyons here"
a tachyon walks into a bar.

 

[Oliver12345]

A photon walks into a bar and ask if they have a room to rent, the bartender says "yeah sure would you like a hand with your bags?" The photon replies "it's okay I'm traveling light!"

 

[nuuskur]

A man asks a woman on the street: Hey there, lady, where do you come from?
She replies: From the beauty salon.
To which the man replies: Oh, was it closed?

 

[LameJokesDaily]

What kind of bees make milk?
boobies

So Bert goes up to Ernie and says, "want some ice cream?" Ernie replies, "Sherbert."

What does a gay horse eat?
Haaaaaaay
What do three gay horses eat?
Hay Hay Haaay
And what do lesbian horses eat?"
(in a really deep voice) hay.

"What did you eat under there?" "Under where?" "YOU ATE UNDERWEAR?!"

A book just fell on my head.
I've only got myshelf to blame.

"Did you hear about the circus fire? It was intense."

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

What goes "Ooo"?
A cow with no lips.

Two cows are passing their day in the pasture when one cow says to the other, "are you afraid of getting this mad cow disease?"
The other cow says, "why the hell would I care? I'm a helicopter."

two cannibals eating a clown, one turns to the other and asks, 'does this taste funny to you?'

Two irishmen walk out of a bar.
Sure, it could happen...

Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.

What's the difference between a robber and a peeping tom?
A robber snatches your watch...

Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A man fell in a puddle.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
A man had a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Bubbles is a man.

What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes.

more of these at http://lamejokesdaily.com

 

[LameJokesDaily]

Don't trust atoms.. They make up everything.

 

[edward]

A man started to notice that every time he passed gas it went "Honda". This went on for over a month and every time there was a "Honda" sound.

He went from doctor to doctor trying to find out what was wrong. Eventually a doctor referred him to an old school Asian doctor. The new doctor told the man: "You have abscess in mouth need pull tooth".

The man said to the doctor; "So I need to go to a dentist". The doctor said no I pull tooth now. A few weeks went by and the man noticed that when he passed gas it no longer went; "Honda".

Perplexed he went back to the Asian doctor and asked how pulling the tooth could have possibly cured his unusual problem. The doctor paused for a moment and said ; "Abscess make the fart go Honda" ..... <(@^@)>