Collection of Lame Jokes

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

What the...? Somebody wanted to build a stream-lined train and sloped the wrong aspect? The train was passing between two concrete walls, which simultaneously fell inwards? They ran out of money to build the roof, so just squashed the walls together? There was some kind of hideous imperial/metric mess up between the people who made the floor and the people who made the roof?

I googled it - it's a photoshop job apparently. Nicely done, though. https://mobile.twitter.com/MrTimDunn/status/771438531717763072/photo/1

 

[Stavros Kiri]

View attachment 220270

I googled it - it's a photoshop job apparently. Nicely done, though.

I like the driver! Typical Tobleronistanian! ...

 

[jtbell]

Statement from the Groundhog-in-Chief’s press secretary:

“Yes, he said six more weeks of winter. However, he didn’t say when.”

(Temperatures have been 20-25F above normal for the past couple of days. Today's high of 81F set a new record for this date!)

 

[Mark44]

A very elderly couple were having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leaned forward and said softly to his wife: “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.

Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife dropped her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: “Yes. Yes he did.”

The old man was very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asked: “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again, the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she said: “You.”

 

[Mark44]

Some of the older members here might appreciate this.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly."

"The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night ?"​

 

[Ibix]

What's a dog's favourite breakfast?

Woofles.

What's a dog's favourite tube stop?

Barking.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Again, the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she said: “You.”

Did she mean that he was a "different person" back then (i.e. he changed) or she simply realized her mistake for telling the truth (based on the husband's reaction) and simply backed off ... fixing things ?

 

[Mark44]

Did she mean that he was a "different person" back then (i.e. he changed)

No.

or she simply realized her mistake for telling the truth (based on the husband's reaction) and simply backed off ... fixing things ?

No, not that either. One of the kids didn't look like the other nine. Take a closer look at the joke...

 

[Stavros Kiri]

One of the kids didn't look like the other nine. Take a closer look at the joke...

“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again, the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she said: “You.”

"You." ... as in Chinese name?

 

[fresh_42]

"You." ... as in Chinese name?

No. Strike three.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

No. Strike three.

What else could it be?
Wait ... From a different mother and he forgot?

 

[strangerep]

What else could it be?
Wait ... From a different mother and he forgot?

No,...

"...different from ALL the other children..."

 

[Mark44]

What else could it be?
Wait ... From a different mother and he forgot?

No. Strike four...

 

[Mark44]

"My jokes aren't for the masses..."

 

[Stavros Kiri]

It was the last kid ... . How old was the mother then?

 

[strangerep]

[Since a trend seems to be developing in this thread for old guys to make fun of each other...]

Once upon a time there was an elderly couple, Albert and Jean. Poor old Albert had lost some of his hearing, and a few of his marbles. But his somewhat younger wife Jean could still communicate with Albert, and loved him dearly. Apart from his hearing and being a bit vague, Albert had been in reasonably good health. But this began to decline, and Albert was no longer feeling his usual self. So Jean took him to see the doctor...

The doctor did the basic examinations. Pulse, blood pressure, etc, and listened all over with his stethoscope. Then he sat down to talk with the couple.

"Well, Albert", said the doctor, "I can't find anything obviously wrong for a man of your age. So I'll have to run some more tests."

"Eh? Whaaat??", said Albert, who couldn't hear or understand properly.

"It's alright dear", said Jean, more loudly. "The doctor just needs to do some TESTS".

"Yes", said the doctor. "Now, Albert, I'd like you to come back tomorrow, and I need you to bring me: a urine sample, a faeces sample, and a semen sample. Do you think you can do that?"

"Eh? Whaaat??", said Albert, not comprehending.

"It's alright dear", said Jean, sweetly. "The doctor just needs me to bring him your pyjama pants."

 

[Mark44]

How old was the mother then?

Not relevant...

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Not relevant...

Well, with ten kids there is a high chance that the tenth was born after 35 years old (for the wife), so it could be a disabled kid.
But I know that's not it.

Now though I am pretty sure I got it! (that's why you get a 'like'!) [I slept on it ...]

Spoiler: Optional Spoiler

Only the tenth was his!

 

[mfb]

Now though I am pretty sure I got it! (that's why you get a 'like'!) [I slept on it ...]

Spoiler: Optional Spoiler

Only the tenth was his!

Correct.

 

[Ibix]

What do you get if you cross a road-roller and a duck-billed platypus?

A duck-billed flatypus.

()

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

... Or places you used to work at

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 220665

... Or places you used to work at

... or throw covertly condoms or pregnancy tests in a shopping cart of a couple.

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 220665

... Or places you used to work at

...or places you still work at.

 

[davenn]

...or places you still work at.

I do that often enough anyway

 

[jtbell]

A duck-billed flatypus.

This reminds me of an anecdote told by Herman "Pat" Herst Jr., a long-time stamp collector, dealer and author of several books about the hobby. He was once invited to a elementary-school class (third grade, maybe) to talk about stamp collecting. One of the students introduced him to the rest of the class as a "well-known platypus."

 

[Ibix]

This reminds me of an anecdote told by Herman "Pat" Herst Jr., a long-time stamp collector, dealer and author of several books about the hobby. He was once invited to a elementary-school class (third grade, maybe) to talk about stamp collecting. One of the students introduced him to the rest of the class as a "well-known platypus."

Just goes to show - philately will get you nowhere.

 

[Ibix]

I do that often enough anyway

Sorry to hear that - that's not so much fun.

 

[jtbell]

Another story from "Pat" Herst. He was friends with a stamp dealer who also owned or worked for an auction house that dealt with antiques etc. This guy once received a letter from someone who wanted him to appraise an old, beautiful and possibly valuable bowel that had been in the family for generations.

 

[Borg]

... or throw covertly condoms or pregnancy tests in a shopping cart of a couple.

Or a teenage girl shopping with her mother?

 

[fresh_42]

Or a teenage girl shopping with her mother?

I think father would be more efficient, but mother might work as well.

 

[I-Love-Maths2]

My cat can talk.
I asked her what two minus two was and she said nothing

 

[Ibix]

My cat can talk.
I asked her what two minus two was and she said nothing

That's amazing! Ask her for the symbol for coefficient of friction.

 

[fresh_42]

That's amazing! Ask her for the symbol for coefficient of friction.

I once had one who was a pro in stochastic. Unfortunately she only knew one distribution.

(Source: http://denverpetsupply.net/blog/7204/Hump-Day)

 

[ZapperZ]

A thread on creating a "quantum bomb" just got locked. Looks like it bombed!

Zz.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Surgeon to Mr. Smith (who just had a demanding surgery performed to him):
"Mr. Smith, I'm really sorry, we're going to have to operate on you again tomorrow!"
(Smith:) What!? Why? No way!
(Surgeon:) I'm really sorry Mr. Smith! Unfortunatelly we forgot a pair of plastic surgical gloves inside you! ...
(Smith:) What!? I don't get it! And why? Is that too big of a deal to just charge my account for an extra $1 and buy new ones?!

 

[Ibix]

What do you call an 800lb gorilla with a machine gun?

Sir.

What do you call a deaf gorilla?

Anything you like - gorillas can't read lips.

 

[Mark44]

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

Spoiler

A hippo is an animal that weighs over a ton. A Zippo is a little lighter.

 

[davenn]

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

Spoiler

A hippo is an animal that weighs over a ton. A Zippo is a little lighter.

an oldie but a goodie, makes me giggle every time

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[Stavros Kiri]

View attachment 221560

Seems familiar! ... But please help me out here. Perhaps it's just that dementia starting! ...

a little lighter

"a little lighter"? ... or just a lighter?

 

[Mark44]

"a little lighter"? ... or just a lighter?

Apparently you didn't get it ...

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Apparently you didn't get it ...

Don't be so sure. I just gave a different angle ...

 

[Mark44]

Apparently you didn't get it ...

Don't be so sure. I just gave a different angle ...

A "different angle" that completely misses and detracts from the joke. Changing the punch line to "just a lighter" loses the play on words that "a little lighter has."

 

[Stavros Kiri]

A "different angle" that completely misses and detracts from the joke. Changing the punch line to "just a lighter" loses the play on words that "a little lighter has."

Your joke is still there, and I liked it!

 

[davenn]

 

[256bits]

Huh.
I thought he had 2 brothers - Raymond being the only actor.
The second, younger, ended up working in a tire factory, and worked his way up.
His name, would you know it, was Rob.

 

[Drakkith]

His name, would you know it, was Rob.

I heard he worked at a bank. Only for a day though.