Collection of Lame Jokes

[LiamSmith]

Lamest joke you know ... :zzz:

THere is so many bad jokes xD

 

[jtbell]

In San Antonio, Texas, how do people rally themselves for dessert after a huge meal of barbeque?

"Remember the à la mode!"

 

[Psinter]

If relationship counselors were lawyers:

The problem here isn't that your wife is lying to you. The problem is that YOU believe her. Why do you believe her? This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't believed her.

Plaintiff: Because I love her too much. *cries*
Lawyer: There it is, your honor. It is HIS fault. Not my clients'. No further questions.

 

[jtbell]

A guy gets wheeled into the operating room for his surgery.

"Uh, Doc... why is that guy at the anesthesia station wearing a rabbit suit?"

"Him? That's the ether bunny."

 

[Stavros Kiri]

(International Students' Applications mis-fill jokes)

Citizenship: "No"
Sex: "Yes"

 

[Sandro Romualdez]

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

I'm eighty (Aye matey)

It works better when you say it out loud ahhaha

 

[Sandro Romualdez]

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?

1 or 2? 1... or 2...?

 

[Charles Link]

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/physic
Also, if anyone saw the movie "The Man Who would be King" with Sean Connery, Michael Caine, and Christopher Plummer that came out around 1977, there is a line in there where Michael Caine ( P.T. Carnehan) gets aggravated with Sean Connery (Daniel Dravot) and tells him "I think you need a physic". :) $\\$ See also: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Man_Who_Would_Be_King_(film)

 

[Ibix]

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?

1 or 2? 1... or 2...?

Drat - I had an eye test last week. Now I'm going to have to wait eighteen months to find out if they've heard that one a million times before...

 

[jtbell]

 

[Stavros Kiri]

View attachment 222793

He can take a photo with his phone and enhance it ... (that's what I did - ooups! too late! ... Aaaaaa...)

 

[Psinter]

Gothosynthesis.

Source: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Blackrose.jpg

 

[Psinter]

I'll make a community for those who program in assembly and compile with NASM. I'll name it... Communasm.

Ok. I'll show my way out.

 

[Ibix]

There were three sailors in a lifeboat. They had saved four cigarettes when their ship went down but all the matches were wet! Fortunately one of the sailors had a bright idea - he threw one of the cigarettes overboard, and then they were a cigarette lighter.

 

[256bits]

With not much to do in the lifeboat except look out at an endless ocean, each sailor really was a man over bored.

 

[fresh_42]

With not much to do in the lifeboat except look out at an endless ocean, each sailor really was a man over bored.

Not necessarily. It once happened to a pirate ship, but they got lucky, they had Blackboard with them.

 

[Psinter]

Cashier: Would you like to donate a dollar to the poor?
Me: ...I'm the poor.

*donates a dollar to self*

 

[Psinter]

When the doctor tells you you have an athletic body:

Tell me doctor. Do all patients fall in love with you?

 

[fresh_42]

Can your dog do tricks?
Of course, he is a Labracadabrador.

 

[Charles Link]

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/physic
Also, if anyone saw the movie "The Man Who would be King" with Sean Connery, Michael Caine, and Christopher Plummer that came out around 1977, there is a line in there where Michael Caine ( P.T. Carnehan) gets aggravated with Sean Connery (Daniel Dravot) and tells him "I think you need a physic". :) $\\$ See also: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Man_Who_Would_Be_King_(film)

Here's one I'm going to repeat from about 2-3 days ago. (See above). Perhaps @fresh_42 will find it humorous. :)

 

[fresh_42]

https://www.facebook.com/tickld

 

[BillTre]

Looks like a "R" to "C" mutation.

 

[Psinter]

Choose your side:

Or maybe not. Maybe AND.

 

[jtbell]

Here's one from third grade...

Where can you find the biggest pencil in the world?

Spoiler

Pennsylvania!

 

[Charles Link]

Here's one from third grade...

Where can you find the biggest pencil in the world?

Spoiler

Pennsylvania!

I didn't read the spoiler, and my guess is in Pennsylvania.

 

[fresh_42]

Now I understand what NJ and OR are for. But I'm a little bit nervous about MA.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Now I understand what NJ and OR are for. But I'm a little bit nervous about MA.

Can you give a spoiler or something?

 

[DrGreg]

Now I understand what NJ and OR are for. But I'm a little bit nervous about MA.

Let me guess:

NJ -- where pullovers are designed
OR -- where they grow a herb for pizzas
MA -- where there are a large number of dentures

 

[Ibix]

NJ -- where pullovers are designed

I bought one - it's my new New Jersey jersey.

 

[Ibix]

And in a similar vein, does anyone know the largest London Borough?

Spoiler

Wapping

Spoiler

Actually it's Bromley, but that's not funny

 

[fresh_42]

And in a similar vein, does anyone know the largest London Borough?

Spoiler

Wapping

Spoiler

Actually it's Bromley, but that's not funny

I still haven't figured out who misspelled Euston. Guess, you're a bit biased ...

 

[Stavros Kiri]

OR -- where they grow a herb for pizzas

And I was born in GRease ...

 

[Psinter]

Great Britain is the greatest Britain.

 

[Mark44]

Great Britain is the greatest Britain.

This is certainly lame all right, but I don't see that it also qualifies as a joke.

 

[davenn]

not so much lame, rather it's a good eye strain
from a mate on FB

 

[nuuskur]

Is the piece standing up or laying flat on the surface?

 

[fresh_42]

They've had to open an extra counter this morning at the Lost & Found office.

 

[Ibix]

Is the piece standing up or laying flat on the surface?

Upper left junction is the fake one for my money. The upper diagonal bar casts a shadow on the work bench but not on the vertical piece that is apparently beneath it. So cover the top left junction to see what it really looks like.

I saw one of these in real life in a museum of illusions. The beams were about a meter long and it was just suspended in the museum space so other patrons could walk through it. Which was kind of disturbing if you were standing in the magic spot where the thing looks like Dave's mates photo.

 

[Bystander]

Upper left junction

I say lower left.

 

[Ibix]

I say lower left.

That's the only one I really wouldn't believe. The two "diagonal" sides couldn't be lying flat on the table, but they have shadows that look to me like they are doing exactly that.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

I think it's possible to construct.

Spoiler

Noooa! [I lied] I give up! ...

 

[davenn]

OK here's the spoiler in how they do this sort of visual trick

Spoiler: weld trick

https://www.instagram.com/p/BfKSkgmHYoc/?taken-by=bloodmagnetwelds

credit ...
https://www.instagram.com/bloodmagnetwelds/

 

[jtbell]

Today I was reminded of the early 1960s kids' TV cartoon show about Leonardo Lion, the King of Bongo Congo, whose wise, unflappable assistant was a skunk named... Odie Cologne.

 

[fresh_42]

Today I was reminded of the early 1960s kids' TV cartoon show about Leonardo Lion, the King of Bongo Congo, whose wise, unflappable assistant was a skunk named... Odie Cologne.

Seems times haven't changed as much as you might think:

Source

 

[Ibix]

I've been playing Minecraft with my son, and its splash screen is a good source of one-liners. Today it offered us:

sqrt(-1) love you

150% hyperbole!

 

[davenn]

ignoring the fact we are well past Christmas

 

[Ibix]

ignoring the fact we are well past Christmas View attachment 223686

This joke brought to you by the very strong man who once caught a bus.

 

[fresh_42]

ignoring the fact we are well past Christmas

Reminds me of a party my girlfriend had to take a few of us home. And of course she wasn't completely sober herself, just less than the rest of us, and of course there have also been a police control. The officer took a look into the car, saw the only girl driving and the rest so drunk, that he couldn't impossibly tell who was the most responsible for the atmosphere in the car, and he waved us by.

Lesson: Simply look according to all expectations and prejudices and everything goes fine.

 

[DrGreg]

This joke brought to you by the very strong man who once caught a bus.

Serves him right for not getting vaccinated.

 

[fresh_42]

Serves him right for not getting vaccinated.

But bus drivers shouldn't take a shot.