Collection of Lame Jokes

[jtbell]

Have you heard about the motorcycle gang that terrorizes businesses by threatening to post bad reviews online? They call themselves Yelp's Angels.

 

[pinball1970]

This is certainly lame all right, but I don't see that it also qualifies as a joke.

I liked it

Brittany is of course the littlest Britain which is found in... France

This is also not a joke, its a quirk which is amusing, I know this because I am British.

 

[256bits]

What not to let the smart a__ of you say at a Xmas party, or any other time of the year, when your girlfriend is speaking beside you:
You - My ear is ringing. What's that noise?
Her - THAT'S ME TALKING!

 

[DrGreg]

Brittany is of course the littlest Britain...

I thought "Brittany" meant "a bit like Britain". In the same way that "sticky" means "a bit like a stick".

Uxbridge English Dictionary

 

[pinball1970]

I thought "Brittany" meant "a bit like Britain". In the same way that "sticky" means "a bit like a stick".

Uxbridge English Dictionary

A quick search has some info on this. The name goes back a bit as you could not get any further from British as French, 1st C Roman. So in summary part of France named a "lesser" or "a little bit like Britain” by Italians.I think that counts as amusing

 

[fresh_42]

No Comment.

 

[pinball1970]

No Comment.

View attachment 223897

Yes that is funny to everyone who is not British; as I said we are very different to our European cousins and have had some differences over years but that is all is forgotten now.

Q: Whats the difference between a smart Frenchman and a unicorn? A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters

 

[pinball1970]

If anyone wants to post about Pascal Laplace Curie Fermat Fourier etc yes I know its a joke

 

[fresh_42]

Yes that is funny to everyone who is not British; as I said we are very different to our European cousins and have had some differences over years but that is all is forgotten now.

Q: Whats the difference between a smart Frenchman and a unicorn? A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters

Those jokes always work in two directions.

I remember a dialogue I once had with a colleague about the British cuisine. Me: "If there wasn't the channel, the French would have dug it" and his answer was: "How come you know they haven't?". In my opinion the English rather than the other three, actually celebrate being different from other Europeans - by all means. This sometimes leads to absurdities, but we all have our specialties, even with less emphasis on them.

 

[mjc123]

A quick search has some info on this. The name goes back a bit as you could not get any further from British as French, 1st C Roman. So in summary part of France named a "lesser" or "a little bit like Britain” by Italians.

When the Anglo-Saxons invaded Britain, the native (Celtic) Britons were pushed into the far west, into Wales and Cornwall, and some of them migrated to NW France, taking the Briton name (and language) with them. They are not a remnant of the Celtic Gauls of France.

 

[Vanadium 50]

his answer was: "How come you know they haven't?"

They'd still be on strike?

 

[pinball1970]

They'd still be on strike?

This could apply to either side of the channel

The English working class trade unions of the 60s,70s and 80s crippled productivity and the economy with petty, greedy, petulant, lazy attitudes to hard work, status and money.

Talking of laziness I have a very funny but quite bad taste joke about women, engineering students and inappropriate sexual behaviour but I think the moderators would not allow it.

 

[fresh_42]

Talking of laziness I have a very funny but quite bad taste joke about women, engineering students and inappropriate sexual behaviour but I think the moderators would not allow it.

I'd say you're right. I have read a joke about women, too, which is quite funny and although not about sexual behavior, I don't think it is appropriate. Some of the meanest jokes I know have been told to me by women, but it is a completely different matter to repeat them as a man. PC isn't stupid by definition, and in many cases a good guideline. We have members all around the world, of all ages, education, religions and gender. To potentially offend them for a more or less good or bad pun isn't worth it. Already the jokes about nationalities are on the edge. I can cope them, although I often feel the urge to reply and correct those prejudices they usually rely on. But what about all our readers who silently read them and turn away because of them? We'll never know. Thus it is not only just censorship but mandatory caution to reject and remove posts, which may hurt some - and often unknown - readers.

 

[pinball1970]

Thus it is not only just censorship but mandatory caution to reject and remove posts, which may hurt some - and often unknown - readers

Fair enough

I am English so are quite open to being the butt of every nations jokes.


Probably because we have our finger in so countries pies over the centuries and as a people / tribe we are often absurd, this is the nation that gave the world the Goodies Monty Python Not the 9 O clock news the goons and Arthur Negus enjoys.

I would never intentionally offend anyone so apologies if I have so far.

On the Irish joke, my father is from Dublin so hopefully you will let that one pass and all jokes now will be strictly lame and ethnically neutral

 

[fresh_42]

I am English so are quite open to being the butt of every nations jokes.

Me, too, as being German. There are probably as many prejudices, and what you've written for UK

I think there is more love hate between British than other Europeans.

is true for Germany as well. There are so many local differences, that jokes on the nation's level are almost certainly not true. Even I know some jokes that start with: "An Englishman, an Irish and a Scotsman enter a bar ..." and I assume there are also some jokes about people of a certain region within one of the states. Not the least part of Monty Python's success is due to the fact, that they joke about being British and we think we may laugh, because they are and should know what they are making fun of. However, the same joke may sound nasty, if I would make it. Me, too, has occasionally quoted "Don't mention the war!" and I know from own experiences that it is a great fun to sit in a pub and making jokes about each other, even though some of them still hurt like the 1-5 in Munich. But sitting in a bar and posting it worldwide are two different things.

 

[jtbell]

British cuisine

In my student days long ago, while I was traveling around Germany, I bought an English translation of "Asterix in Britain" to amuse myself with on the train. I remember a scene involving the Romans who were trying to capture Asterix and Obelix:

Commander: "If you don't find those blasted Gauls and bring them to me, I'll have you boiled alive and served to the lions! With mint sauce!"

Legionnaire #1 (gulping): "How horrible!"

Legionnaire #2: "Yes, poor creatures!"

 

[DrGreg]

PRINCE2 is the project management methodology formerly known as PRINCE.

 

[fresh_42]

PRINCE2 is the project management methodology formerly known as PRINCE.

That's only because they had to change their anthem on the pressure from their customers from Purple Rain to Urgent.

 

[nuuskur]

I think this is appropriate, enough :)

 

[Psinter]

What do you call a group of anxious workers?

A nervous system.

 

[mfb]

Why does no one like the Orion belt?It is a big waist of space!Not a good joke. Only 3 stars.

 

[fresh_42]

Why does no one like the Orion belt?

Because of the trouble that comes along with it:

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Because of the trouble that comes along with it:

No trouble. We do it all the time ...

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar graph...

 

[DrClaude]

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar graph...

View attachment 224282

Are these real actual (*) numbers? Because they appear to cling to stereotypes...

(*): Edited before some smartypants mathematician chimes in.

 

[Ibix]

Are these real actual (*) numbers?

It probably depends on the country and time period for which the data was sourced, as well as factors such as sample bias and subtleties around what gets included in compensation (for example a lot of churches provide housing; I don't know if the same is true of synagogues). In other words, they're complex numbers.

(*): Edited before some smartypants mathematician chimes in.

Sorry.

 

[mfb]

In other words, they're complex numbers.

Imaginary salary is the salary you claim you get in addition to the actual salary.
The larger your phase is the more you exaggerate.

 

[jtbell]

Are these real actual (*) numbers?

They're actual numbers: the first hits in Google searches for "average compensation priest", etc. I didn't try to check them for consistency. I simply wanted something to construct a bar graph from. I did ponder for a few seconds why priests came out lowest and figured many or most of them might receive free housing as part of their position.

 

[davenn]

 

[Stavros Kiri]

View attachment 224364

Try McD's

 

[256bits]

View attachment 224364

That reminded me of this news item.
It's no joke, or maybe a joke.
In any case it is lame.
http://www.foxnews.com/world/2018/0...animal-rescue-group-is-eaten-weeks-later.html

 

[Mark44]

Are these real actual (*) numbers?

It's actually quite complex

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jtbell]

Have you heard about the forthcoming reboot for streaming video that adapts the classic "Lone Ranger" series to modern technology? It'll be called "Drone Ranger." Instead of Rossini's "William Tell" Overture, the theme music will be Rimsky-Korsakov's "Flight of the Bumblebee."

 

[Ibix]

It'll be called "Drone Ranger." Instead of Rossini's "William Tell" Overture, the theme music will be Rimsky-Korsakov's "Flight of the Bumblebee."

I'd have thought something on the bagpipes was more appropriate.

 

[jtbell]

I think "Flight of the Bumblebee" has been arranged for just about everything!

 

[fresh_42]

I think "Flight of the Bumblebee" has been arranged for just about everything!

Only above $20\,\text{Hz}$!

 

[jtbell]

Of course, in this new version, Tonto becomes a robot. "What do you mean we, meatbag?"

 

[Ibix]

What do you call a man with a car on his head?

Jack.

 

[256bits]

What do you call a man with a car on his head?

Jack.

Those jones.
What do you call a man on a skyscraper?
Hi.

 

[stevendaryl]

A woman was at a graveside, mourning her recently deceased husband, when a man came up and cleared his throat. "May I say a word?" he asked. She nodded. "Plethora" he said. She nodded and replied: "Thanks. That means a lot."

 

[fresh_42]

What do you call a tall man who lives in clock tower?
Big Ben.

 

[DrGreg]

What do you call a gorilla wearing ear plugs?
Anything you like; he can't hear you.

 

[fresh_42]

What do you call a gorilla wearing ear plugs?
Anything you like; he can't hear you.

What do you call a Bonobo who spits on you?
Natalie. Her name was Natalie.

Spoiler

I've overdone the plaudits for her baby so that she finally thought I want to have it.

 

[fresh_42]

I was so proud of my solution.
Too bad it didn't stick to the problem.

 

[DrGreg]

I was so proud of my solution.
Too bad it didn't stick to the problem.

Is it true that, in school chemistry lessons, if you can't achieve a solution you will get a suspension?

 

[mfb]

In addition, you can get kicked out for creating a solution.

 

[jtbell]

I once kicked myself out of high school chemistry lab for making a solution of (part of) my pants in nitric acid while I was still wearing them (not for long ). A teacher had to drive me home so I could get a fresh pair of pants.