Collection of Lame Jokes

[davenn]

I can see Russia from my house.

does that mean you use less fuel traveling to Russia than coming home from there because it is down hill on the way there ??

 

[Jehannum]

Q: What do you call a diamond-encrusted road?

Spoiler

A: A jewel carriageway!

 

[Ibix]

Q: What do you call a diamond-encrusted road?

Spoiler

A: A jewel carriageway!

What do you call a road covered in overlapping tiles?

Spoiler

A shingle carriageway

 

[Bandersnatch]

Ugh. Don't let yourself get carriageway with those lame puns, guys.

 

[rokytnji]

Due to recent Mountain Lion attacks in Washington State.

The park service is advising hikers, bikers, fisherman, and hunters to wear bells and carry pepper spray.

The logic is you will not startle a mother bear or mountain lion. If attacked . You can use the pepper spray to defend your self

The park service would advise you learn the difference between mountain lion and bear droppings.

Mountain lion droppings contain bells.
Bear droppings contain bells and smell like pepper.

 

[fresh_42]

fb/Musical Gifts

 

[DrClaude]

fb/Musical Gifts

The original drawing (i.e., without the border) is by Quino.

 

[jtbell]

Public announcement issued by the police while searching for the gunman who hijacked a lettuce truck:

"Please romaine calm."

 

[fresh_42]

Public announcement issued by the police while searching for the gunman who hijacked a lettuce truck:

"Please romaine calm."

... The suspect's name is Waldorf and he can be identified by his cauliflower ears. But caution, he might be armed with cans of spinach and is considered extraordinary strong.

 

[jtbell]

"Please romaine calm."

I forgot the second part of the announcement:

"...and carrot on."

 

[jtbell]

"...and carrot on."

I can't believe it took me this long to make the connection...

 

[jtbell]

What do you call soup made from yesterday’s leftovers?

Déjà stew.

 

[DrGreg]

What do you call soup made from yesterday’s leftovers?

Déjà stew.

The following sounds like a joke, but it's true.

In the UK there is a TV station called "Dave". And its time-shiffted channel that shows Dave delayed by one hour is called: "Dave ja vu".

 

[Mark44]

Did you hear about the farmer who got behind in his tractor payments?
His bank sent him a John Deere letter...

 

[jim mcnamara]

Found a species of snake - the adults are all 3.14159m long. It's a $\pi$-thon

 

[davenn]

technology at its finest hahaha

 

[Mark44]

A Mexican magician says, "I'm going to disappear on the count of three". "One, two", and he disappeared without a tres.

 

[jtbell]

From the Autocorrect Spelling Bee:

"Schadenfreude. S-C-A-R-F. Schadenfreude."

 

[fresh_42]

From the Autocorrect Spelling Bee:

"Schadenfreude. S-C-A-R-F. Schadenfreude."

Do you write Schadenfreude with a "c"?

 

[davenn]

seems about right

 

[jim mcnamara]

What is yellow, sour, and equivalent to the axiom of choice?

Spoiler

Zorn's Lemon

 

[fresh_42]

What is yellow, sour, and equivalent to the axiom of choice?

Spoiler

Zorn's Lemon

I promise I haven't looked:
Tuckey's lemon

 

[jtbell]

Do you write Schadenfreude with a "c"?

If I did, my wife (who taught German for many years) would whack me over the head with her German dictionary.

(which, oddly enough, was actually my German dictionary in high school and college; she lost hers at one point and "adopted" mine instead of buying a new one.)

 

[fresh_42]

If I did, my wife (who taught German for many years) would whack me over the head with her German dictionary.

Shouldn't this be the opposite: "If I did not, my wife ...", 'cause in German it is "Sch". However, it's pronounced "sh" in English and not "sch" as in school. I'm asking as in the other direction, i.e. if we adopt English words, they are sometimes changed a little bit to better fit. I would have expected similar the other way around, esp. with such minor changes.

 

[gmax137]

@fresh_42 -- trying to develop rules for english is hopeless .

school
scheme
schizophrenic

"OK ... 'sch' sounds like 'sk'"

schist (the mineral type)
schlepp
schadenfreude

"uh oh, 'sch' sounds like 'sk' unless it sounds like 'sh'"

how about 'schism'?? I hear that one both ways, 'skism' and 'shism'

--- hopeless

 

[jtbell]

if we adopt English words, they are sometimes changed a little bit to better fit. I would have expected similar the other way around, esp. with such minor changes.

I think usually in English we simply borrow foreign words "as is", not changing their spelling except maybe dropping umlauts, accent marks, etc. Sometimes we mangle the pronunciation to make it "fit" the spelling or English pronunciation habits better. However, the German 'sch' is familiar enough in English that we simply leave it alone. Think of all the people with names like Schultz, Schubert, etc. And Busch and Schlitz beers.

 

[mjc123]

"uh oh, 'sch' sounds like 'sk' unless it sounds like 'sh'"

Generally, the "sk" words are derived from Greek, while the "sh" words are borrowed from German. But that doesn't help much if you don't know the etymology. And there are exceptions, e.g. schist is derived from the same Greek root as schizophrenic and schism (which, incidentally, I've heard as skizm and sizm, but never shizm).

 

[fresh_42]

Generally, the "sk" words are derived from Greek, while the "sh" words are borrowed from German. But that doesn't help much if you don't know the etymology.

Nice info, thanks! I wonder how English natives learn Russian? We have two "sh" sounds: sch and ch - somehow a full and an empty version. Most Americans can't pronounce "ch". They make a "k" out of it. Now IIRC the Russians have a least four versions, the different "s" not counted!

 

[Mark44]

trying to develop rules for english is hopeless .

school
scheme
schizophrenic

And schedule is pronounced differently in British English ("shedule") as compared to American English ("skedule").

Regarding schist (pronounced "shist"), the original word in Greek started with a sound closer to sk- or skh-, with the kh sound like the ch in "ach!" Also schism and schist both have to do with something that is split (schist is split into layers).

 

[gmax137]

Also schism and schist both have to do with something that is split (schist is split into layers).

Indeed, and so does "schizophrenic." All the same root, interesting how they are pronounced differently.

the original word in Greek started with a sound closer to sk- or skh-, with the kh sound like the ch in "ach!"

I think that explains some of this: "sss... k" is easy ("skool") and so is "sss...h" ("shoot"). But I cannot make the "ch" in "ach" sound follow the "sss" sound. It just won't come out of my throat! Speaking as a born in the USA speaker.

 

[fresh_42]

Here's a real lame (and painful) one:

Have you heard about the goldfish who went bankrupt?
Now he's a bronzefish.

 

[jtbell]

What does a poor but aspiring Yo-Yo Ma wannabe wrap his instrument in when he travels?

Cellophane.

 

[jtbell]

Now he's a bronzefish.

And if he merely suffered a setback, he's a silverfish.

 

[fresh_42]

And if he merely suffered a setback, he's a silverfish.

And when he manages to get a magician show in Vegas, he's a Copperfish.

 

[fresh_42]

Now the final question:

What did the goldfish become if he grew extraordinary big?

Spoiler

Titaniumfish$\quad$A Koi .

 

[mfb]

Starfish

And the first one is Starfish Prime

 

[jtbell]

Two guys in a car pull up to a railroad crossing.

Guy 1: "Hmmm, looks like a train just went by."
Guy 2: "How can you tell?"
Guy 1: "It left tracks."

 

[DrGreg]

Two guys in a car pull up to a railroad crossing.

Guy 1: "Hmmm, looks like a train just went by."
Guy 2: "How can you tell?"
Guy 1: "It left tracks."

A train that left the tracks wouldn't get far.

 

[mfb]

That makes it easier to identify it.

 

[fresh_42]

The will was there.
Sent him away.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

A train that left the tracks wouldn't get far.

That makes it easier to identify it.

Unless it's in Tobleronistan. It would get eaten fast! ...

 

[256bits]

For all the trekkies out there, and their general knowledge of Star trek.

While Captain Kirk was not an alien he was working with 3 ears.
The left ear
the right ear
and the

Spoiler

frontier

 

[davenn]

Two guys in a car pull up to a railroad crossing.

Guy 1: "Hmmm, looks like a train just went by."
Guy 2: "How can you tell?"
Guy 1: "It left tracks."

oh dear hahaha

 

[jtbell]

If Mickey Mouse's friend Donald were to start collecting stamps, he would be a...

duck-billed philatelist.

(aha, he already is one!)

http://topicsonstamps.info/disney/dominicaa.htm

 

[BillTre]

You matter,
unless your multiply yourself by the speed of light squared,
then you energy!

 

[fresh_42]

Did you know, that a small little honeybee collects more honey on a single day than a full-grown elephant within an entire year?

 

[jtbell]

While Captain Kirk was not an alien he was working with 3 ears.
The left ear
the right ear
and the

Spoiler

frontier

Must have been another transporter malfunction.

 

[Psinter]

https://www.physicsforums.com/threads/unit-conventions-si-versus-others.902547/

Why use K (Kelvin) when you can use F (units of Freedom).

On a probably off-topic comment, Practice exams I have seen for those who want to join the US military, they work the math for gravity in ft/s^2, not m/s^2.

 

[fresh_42]

https://www.physicsforums.com/threads/unit-conventions-si-versus-others.902547/

Why use K (Kelvin) when you can use F (units of Freedom).

On a probably off-topic comment, Practice exams I have seen for those who want to join the US military, they work the math for gravity in ft/s^2, not m/s^2.

I vote for Celsius' original scale, which had had 0° as boiling point and 100° as freezing point. Or if it had to be upside down, then what about Réaumur?

 

[Psinter]

I vote for Celsius' original scale, which had had 0° as boiling point and 100° as freezing point.

Wait... is that true?