Collection of Lame Jokes

[fresh_42]

What we charge for an hour work:

• NORMAL: $40
• IF YOU WATCH: $60
• IF YOU HELP: $80
• IF YOU ALREADY BEGAN: $120

 

[davenn]

haha

 

[Psinter]

I don't even know how they come with these anymore. Lame funny nonetheless.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

What we charge for an hour work:

• NORMAL: $40
• IF YOU WATCH: $60
• IF YOU HELP: $80
• IF YOU ALREADY BEGAN: $120

+ • If you've already "fixed it": $100,000

 

[jtbell]

 

[davenn]

 

[Fig Neutron]

Well he was one of the most vulgar characters. They had to bleep out every single word he said.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jtbell]

Another flashback to fifth grade:

"What's that in the ditch?"
"Gomer's pile."

(cultural reference for those not familiar with 1960s TV shows in the US)

 

[Borg]

Another flashback to fifth grade:

"What's that in the ditch?"
"Gomer's pile."

(cultural reference for those not familiar with 1960s TV shows in the US)

They ran a bunch of these on Jeopardy recently:

A pleasure trip for Suri's dad

Spoiler

Tom's cruise

Cherry stone for Angelina Jolie's life partner

Spoiler

Brad's pit

Bird belonging to a movie "Gladiator"

Spoiler

Russell's crow

Breakfast meat belonging to the movies' "Hollow Man"

Spoiler

Kevin's bacon

Rule of conduct by which 2004's "Alfie" lives

Spoiler

Jude's law

Walking stick for 1966's "Alfie"

Spoiler

Michael's cane

 

[fresh_42]

I recently met a girl. She promised to call me after work. Poor girl, she now works in the 72nd hour.

 

[BillTre]

 

[davenn]

View attachment 228204

brilliant

 

[davenn]

Would you want to be mummified after you die, if it was a choice ?

No, it sounds like a pyramid scheme

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

Dear IsaAC:
Do you like me?

_____ Yes.
_____ No.
_____ There is as yet insufficient data for a meaningful answer.

(credit: XKCD)
(reference: The Last Question)

 

[Ibix]

(reference: The Last Question)

Ah! I didn't get that comic at all - I'd forgotten that story. Thanks. I can always rely on PF for reliable citations even if I don't know I need them...

 

[davenn]

 

[Stavros Kiri]

View attachment 228376

All that vs "sea of stupidity" ...

 

[jtbell]

Did you know that after retiring from biology, Charles Darwin took up artistic paper-folding? He became very good at shapes of plants and animals, and even wrote a book about it: The Origami of Species.

 

[DrGreg]

Did you know that after retiring from biology, Charles Darwin took up artistic paper-folding? He became very good at shapes of plants and animals, and even wrote a book about it: The Origami of Species.

That's odd. The story I heard was that he took up cookery, and became very good at finding the right herbs and spices for many plants and animals. He wrote a book, Of the Oregano on the Species.

That was after his study of the plants and animals of a West Coast American State.

Spoiler

On the Species of Oregon

 

[fresh_42]

That's odd. The story I heard was that he took up cookery, and became very good at finding the right herbs and spices for many plants and animals. He wrote a book, Of the Oregano on the Species.

That was after his study of the plants and animals of a West Coast American State.

Spoiler

On the Species of Oregon

I'm getting old. I could have sworn it was On the spices of Oregon.

 

[fresh_42]

"Your room looks like hit by a bomb!"
"That's Peng Shui."

 

[davenn]

I did contemplate putting this in "Science Jokes" thread ……..

To the Astronomy Club:
Der Sirs,
Tx 4 taking the thyme to reed my letir.
I am very upset with yor articel on how to make a reflecter telescop.
It doesn't work LOL.
This is the steps I walked to get the Astra foter.
Borrowed a parabolik parrybolik curved mirror from somebody who found it at the plaice where he works.
Dont have any a pipe tube thing so I hung it up with welding rods an string.
Also don't know what a eye peace is so just used my camera as the viewr coz I can always see picsures in the back thingy.
As u knw the moon was e clips 2nite & maarz closer so I tryed to take them.
Please advice.
Tx.

 

[Borg]

If you replace "Please advice" with "I have proved that Einstein was wrong", you get the crackpot version.

 

[BillTre]

 

[davenn]

haha

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 228574

That's better than the garbage trucks that I've seen with the slogan "We service what we smell!"

 

[davenn]

Doesn't give a lot of confidence in their abilities …..

 

[Ibix]

Here's a photo of the Arup Building on the New Museums site at Cambridge University: https://www.cl.cam.ac.uk/~ckh11/cam.html
You see all the grey cladding with the slightly rippled effect? It's lead. The rippling effect is unintentional - lead is soft enough to run slightly, and thin sheets mounted vertically become significantly thinner at the top over time. So every ten years or so, they have to take all the sheets off and re-mount them the other way up.

This building houses the Department of Materials Science.

(Or, at least, it did when I was a student there many years ago).

 

[mfb]

Direct link to image
Why would you install massive lead panels like that?

 

[Ibix]

Direct link to image

Ack! Must have copied the URL from the wrong tab or something. Thanks. Must remember to check my links...

Why would you install massive lead panels like that?

Something about using unusual materials for a materials science building, without actually discussing with the materials scientists was the story I heard. I don't know if that was departmental folk wisdom or what actually happened.

 

[BillTre]

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself...

 

[BillTre]

at Cambridge University: https://www.cl.cam.ac.uk/~ckh11/cam.html

There are black squirrels in Los Gatos, CA also!
Very unusual looking.

 

[fresh_42]

This building houses the Department of Materials Science.

Ouch! They probably weren't involved in the planning process, but the result is nevertheless somewhat embarrassing.

But why lead? Do they expect nuclear explosions nearby?

 

[Ibix]

But why lead? Do they expect nuclear explosions nearby?

Well, it's about 50m from the old Cavendish Lab. I heard they had to clean mercury out of the floorboards there after the physics department moved to its new building, and we didn't used to have the same respect for radioactive materials that we do now. So maybe it is shielding.

I suspect the explanation in #4730 is more plausible...

 

[fresh_42]

I suspect the explanation in #4730 is more plausible...

But in this case I would have expected more different materials. E.g. lead glass would have had the same effect, but you only need to turn it upside down every few decades.

 

[BillTre]

Mechanics homage to fine art!

 

[DrGreg]

My mechanic wanted to be an actor, but he couldn't get the parts.

(A recycled joke.)

 

[jtbell]

Clownfish joke: "With fronds like this, who needs anemones?"

 

[fresh_42]

I'm glad it does not snow. Shovel snow in this heat would be a torture.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Shovel snow in this heat would be a torture.

Is it easier putting out fires?

Spoiler: Optional Spoiler

1. Technically "Way No!" but actually "Yes", since the former is impossible.

2. No sweat! ...

 

[davenn]

 

[BillTre]

 

[jtbell]

Several years ago, our local newspaper reported on a county council meeting that was discussing the next year's budget. It quoted one councilman as asking why so many county departments needed "new trucks with four-wheel drive and wenches."

 

[fresh_42]

Several years ago, our local newspaper reported on a county council meeting that was discussing the next year's budget. It quoted one councilman as asking why so many county departments needed "new trucks with four-wheel drive and wenches."

Oh, yeah. Fun on the countryside can be so simple.

 

[Borg]

Mechanics homage to fine art!

Awesome photos. I just had to look up the creator - Fabris Photography.

 

[Ibix]

Several years ago, our local newspaper reported on a county council meeting

The News Quiz, a BBC Radio 4 program which does exactly what it says on the tin, reads out a clipping from a newspaper or magazine between each round. One from a local parish newsletter announced a talk in a neighbouring parish titled "Heaven and how to get there". Transport arranged from outside the Dog and Duck Inn.

wenches

A wench, I am told, is useful when one needs to turn the head of a dolt.

 

[Ibix]

Awesome photos. I just had to look up the creator - Fabris Photography.

It's interesting how they've made photos resemble oil paintings. They've both faded to black around the edges and flattened the colour somehow.

 

[BillTre]

It's interesting how they've made photos resemble oil paintings. They've both faded to black around the edges and flattened the colour somehow.

That could all be done in any decent photo manipulation program like photoshop for example.
Lighting and camera settings can also produce some of the results.