Collection of Lame Jokes

[fresh_42]

View attachment 227394

Wait... is that true?

Celsius was the first to perform and publish careful experiments aiming at the definition of an international temperature scale on scientific grounds. ... He proposed the Celsius temperature scale in a paper to the Royal Society of Sciences in Uppsala, the oldest Swedish scientific society, founded in 1710. His thermometer was calibrated with a value of 100° for the freezing point of water and 0° for the boiling point. In 1745, a year after Celsius' death, the scale was reversed by Carl Linnaeus to facilitate more practical measurement. Celsius originally called his scale centigrade derived from the Latin for "hundred steps". For years it was simply referred to as the Swedish thermometer.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anders_Celsius

 

[Psinter]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anders_Celsius

Me reading a thermometer like that would be:

 

[davenn]

Did you know, that a small little honeybee collects more honey on a single day than a full-grown elephant within an entire year?

considering elephants don't collect honey, that's a truthful statement

 

[256bits]

Did you know, that a small little honeybee collects more honey on a single day than a full-grown elephant within an entire year?

that's like this one. (I'll have to make it up as I don't remember the exact version )
A hunter is up north on his first hunting trip.
He, swatting away flying insects, says " Jeez, there sure are a lot of black flies up here."
The guide, nonchalantly replies, " Yep,keeps the alligators away."
Hunter, annoyed, says " C'mon, there aren't any alligators up here."
Guide sighing replies " See what I mean!"

 

[davenn]

flamin' auto-correct

there were lots of good ones, but these two were ones that wouldn't get me into trouble posting on PF

 

[Psinter]

Come on science. I need answers.

 

[fresh_42]

Come on science. I need answers.

Power naps!

 

[256bits]

Come on science. I need answers.

Ha ha that's a good one for everyone.
Buy a really really fast watch.
( or is it a really really slow watch )

what I do know due to science, at least for NA is that once a year I get to sleep 9 hours in 8, but then as there is no free lunch, several months later there is clawback and I get to sleep only 7 hours in 8. And once every 4 years or so they let me sleep another day ( night ) of sleep, just because they are compassionate people out there for the sleep deprived.

 

[fresh_42]

Ha ha that's a good one for everyone.
Buy a really really fast watch.
( or is it a really really slow watch )

Yep, that's the solution: Just run at 87% c while you sleep and all will be fine!

 

[Borg]

Yep, that's the solution: Just run at 87% c while you sleep and all will be fine!

Better if everyone else runs at 87% c so that their clocks run slower. Then you can sleep all you like.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

View attachment 227417

Come on science. I need answers.

They say, hours (of sleep) before midnight count double. Try it.

 

[jtbell]

What's the classic meal for Groundhog Day?

Leftovers.

 

[Ibix]

What do you call jokes about current events within 23° of the equator?

Tropical topical humour.

What do you call jokes about recent developments in skin creams?

Topical topical humour.

 

[Ibix]

What's the classic meal for Groundhog Day?

Leftovers.

I hate the way it repeats on you, though.

 

[256bits]

recent developments in skin creams

Lathering the cream all over your skin below the 23 degree- would that be tropical topical topical cream?

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

this is a whole 'nother level of dopey

 

[Psinter]

How some see the US.

Non-American: "Are you from Texas? Or New York?"
American: I'm from Oregon.
Non-American: ... ... ... ... ... Is it close to Texas? Is it big like Texas? Have you been to Texas? I've heard about California... You close to New York?

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 227629

How some see the US.

Non-American: "Are you from Texas? Or New York?"
American: I'm from Oregon.
Non-American: ... ... ... ... ... Is it close to Texas? Is it big like Texas? Have you been to Texas? I've heard about California... You close to New York?

Still far far better than many people see Germany:

 

[jtbell]

From the Autocorrect Spelling Bee:

"Schadenfreude. S-C-A-R-F. Schadenfreude."

Speaking of Schadenfreude, for those of you who have been on the road for the big holiday in the US...

New Yorker magazine cartoon

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[BillTre]

 

[Bandersnatch]

snip

 

[davenn]

hahaha

 

[Borg]

View attachment 227693

Speaking of Winnie the Pooh... Did you know that he is banned in China?

Of course the harder they try, the more creative people get. Notice the coffee cup held by Chinese nobel laureate Liu Xiaobo before he died.
Credit: LastWeekTonight 6/17/18 show.

 

[Bandersnatch]

Speaking of Winnie the Pooh... Did you know that he is banned in China?

 

[jtbell]

Is it close to Texas? Is it big like Texas? Have you been to Texas? I've heard about California... You close to New York?

Reminds me of the New Yorker who met a tourist from Ohio.

New Yorker: "Oh really? A friend of mine moved out that way."
Tourist: "Where does he live?"
New Yorker: "Idaho."

 

[fresh_42]

Reminds me of the New Yorker who met a tourist from Ohio.

New Yorker: "Oh really? A friend of mine moved out that way."
Tourist: "Where does he live?"
New Yorker: "Idaho."

That's a good example for a one-point compactification (Alexandroff).

 

[Ibix]

Reminds me of the New Yorker who met a tourist from Ohio.

New Yorker: "Oh really? A friend of mine moved out that way."
Tourist: "Where does he live?"
New Yorker: "Idaho."

Ahem: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idaho,_Ohio

 

[davenn]

OK, this is about as lame as you can get

 

[jtbell]

Ahem: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idaho,_Ohio

For that matter, there's also an Oregon, Ohio, just outside Toledo. I drove through there last year on my rust belt road trip.

There are a surprising number of towns with the same names as states different from the ones they're located in. An amusing example is Indiana, Pennsylvania, which is the home of Indiana University of Pennsylvania (no connection to either Indiana University or the University of Pennsylvania).

 

[Ibix]

For that matter, there's also an Oregon, Ohio, just outside Toledo. I drove through there last year on my rust belt road trip.

To be honest, I only discovered Idaho, Ohio because my US geography isn't much better than the New York/Texas/California gag (I know where Florida is too!). I put Ohio into Google, then Idaho, and one of the auto-completes caught my eye...

I think my wife knows a few more states - Alaska which ones.

 

[mfb]

There is also Ohio, New York, with a population of 1000.

There is also Ohio, asteroid belt, with a population of zero.

 

[fresh_42]

Physicists found out ...

Spoiler

... but went in again.

 

[jtbell]

There is also Ohio, New York, with a population of 1000.

Ohio was increased by some of the now-defunct town of Wilmurt, which itself had been partly formed with territory from Ohio and the town of Russia in 1836.

So it appears at least some people in Ohio can see Russia from their house! No need to go all the way to Alaska.

 

[mfb]

There is also Russia, Ohio...

 

[Fewmet]

There is also Ohio, New York, with a population of 1000.

I've heard that Ohioville, NY was named by settlers who intended to go to migrate to Ohio, but stopped early and named the town after the intended destination.

(I read this in a newsletter for a rail trail in that area. Looking online for another source, I found it on Wikipedia, but it cites that same newsletter.)

 

[fresh_42]

I wanted to donate blood. But they've asked too many questions: "Whose blood is this?" "Where did you have it from?" ...

 

[fresh_42]

The two year old just ran against the door while staring at his coloring book.
I think he's ready now for his first smartphone.

 

[Aufbauwerk 2045]

One of the Doctor's new friends enters the Tardis for the first time. She is accompanied by Adric.

Friend: "Why is it bigger on the inside than on the outside?"
Adric: "Because it's dimensionally transcendental."
Friend: "What does that mean?"
Adric: "It means it's bigger on the inside than on the outside."

 

[Stavros Kiri]

A)

I think he's ready now for his first smartphone.

Or it's smart to phone and ask a counselor to see if he is ready first! ...

B)

The two year old just ran against the door while staring at his coloring book.
I think he's ready now for his first smartphone.

Or he may just be already using Wi-fi ! ...

 

[jtbell]

There is also Russia, Ohio...

The correct local pronunciation is "roo-shee", with the emphasis on the first syllable.

We Ohioans do have a way with pronunciations of "foreign" names. Not far from my hometown is Vienna, pronounced "Vy-enna". And down near the Ohio River is Rio Grande, pronounced "Rye-oh Grand".

 

[Stavros Kiri]

So it appears at least some people in Ohio can see Russia from their house! No need to go all the way to Alaska.

There is also Russia, Ohio...

Well they can see Russia but not Moscow! ...

 

[mfb]

Well they can see Russia but not Moscow! ...

Moscow, Ohio

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Moscow, Ohio

Well but it's not in Russia [Ohio] ...

 

[Stavros Kiri]

End Times Jokes:

"I am god and I decided there will be no End Times! ... I should be on my way now, because I hear an ambulance! ..."

+ another one (opposite view): "There will be no End Times! Simply there won't be enough time! ..."

And the busy people's approach: "End Times!? There's no time for that! [Are you kidding? There's more important things to do! ... Lol]"

 

[davenn]

I think he's ready now for his first smartphone.

And the busy people's approach: "End Times!? There's no time for that! [Are you kidding? There's more important things to do! ... Lol]"

and speaking of smartphones and personal "end time" ……

 

[Stavros Kiri]

and speaking of smartphones and personal "end time" ……

View attachment 227875

He missed the alerts too! ...

 

[jtbell]

M gives agent 007 his next assignment:

"I want you to go to this party. Mingle. Meet people. Make friends... Bond, James. Bond."