Collection of Lame Jokes

[fresh_42]

Teacher: Where's James today?
Student: He's laying in bed with Angina.

 

[DrGreg]

Why does nobody laugh at cow jokes?

They've herd them all before.

Farmer: Please round up my herd of 68 cows.

Farm worker: 70.

 

[fresh_42]

A hiker comes along a meadow where a farmer is milking a cow. He asks the farmer to tell him the time. The farmer stops milking, lifts the udders, takes a close look at them and replies: four o'clock.
The next day the same procedure: the farmer stops milking, lifts the udders, takes a close look and replies: 4.15.
The third day again the same procedure: the farmer stops milking, lifts the udders, takes a close look and replies: 3.50.
Now the hiker cannot hold it anymore. He asks the farmer how in the world he could tell the time by weighing the udders? What is so special with the cow?
Nothing, answers the farmer, but if I lift the udders I can see the clocktower of our church.

 

[Psinter]

Look at this and then click on the source. What do you see?
Source

(They are the same images, if you don't believe, once in the source page, right click the image and open it in a new tab)

 

[mfb]

Clever! But I have bad news for you...

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Ibix]

Clever! But I have bad news for you...

View attachment 101926

Why is it called a short circuit when it's longer?

 

[fresh_42]

Why is it called a short circuit when it's longer?

In which reference frame / metric?

 

[mfb]

There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.From here, has some more nice puns

 

[Borg]

There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

From here, has some more nice puns

I really need to find a home for this on my software project at work.

 

[Borg]

I'm in a bit of a mood today.

 

[Ibix]

I would... walk away from that cat slowly, not turning my back and making no sudden movements.

 

[pixel]

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.

 

[Pepper Mint]

I would... walk away from that cat slowly, not turning my back and making no sudden movements.

I'm mewing till the firemen come, you ran me over and now want to run away ?

 

[fresh_42]

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.

I've also heard all the drinks were bone-dry.

 

[Pepper Mint]

I've also heard all the drinks were bone-dry.

That is resolvable with jelly-like supplement we bring up from Earth though. The hygiene issue there is incredible.

 

[mfb]

I wanted to visit it, but the route planner didn't find a way to get there.

 

[fresh_42]

I wanted to visit it, but the route planner didn't find a way to get there.

Yes, that's a problem. But I've heard you can visit the franchise on Mars if you use the "allow ferries" option in the setup to manage the Martian canals.

 

[jtbell]

What did Balboa's companions say to him when they crossed a ridge in Panama and saw the Pacific Ocean for the first time?

"Isthmus be your lucky day!"

 

[256bits]

What did Balboa's companions say to him when they crossed a ridge in Panama and saw the Pacific Ocean for the first time?

"Isthmus be your lucky day!"

Now that is a groaner if there ever was one.

 

[Psinter]

The element of butt:

Spoiler

Arsenic

Spoiler

Eh eh eh... pfft butt.

 

[Ibix]

A clown was walking down a riverbank when he came upon a nun trapped by rising water in the middle.

"Sister!" he called. "Let me help! I can carry you across this river!"

"Thank you, kind clown, but no!" she called back.

"But, Sister! You're trapped there!"

"Yes, but a nun being carried by a clown? It would be virgin on the ridiculous!"

 

[Pepper Mint]

A clown was walking down a riverbank when he came upon a nun trapped by rising water in the middle.

"Sister!" he called. "Let me help! I can carry you across this river!"

"Thank you, kind clown, but no!" she called back.

"But, Sister! You're trapped there!"

"Yes, but a nun being carried by a clown? It would be virgin on the ridiculous!"

I don't understand. In my area most nuns aren't really virgins anymore.

 

[Ibix]

I don't understand.

Something that is "verging on the ridiculous" is something really silly, on the verge of being outright ridiculous. Substituting "virgin" is a fairly common pun, although usually about Richard Branson's companies.

 

[davenn]

groan ...

https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13516160_10154259156641873_4201570270835991443_n.jpg?oh=605f614ef6e495722c6fb1ec38955acd&oe=580985A1

 

[EnumaElish]

A guy walks up to the library desk. He inquires: "do you have a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat?" Librarian: "it rings a bell, but I am not sure if there's one or not."

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

I wanted to visit it, but the route planner didn't find a way to get there.

Google Maps will get you there. Just ask for a route to Sheboygan.

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

groan ...

https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13516160_10154259156641873_4201570270835991443_n.jpg?oh=605f614ef6e495722c6fb1ec38955acd&oe=580985A1

I hate a big fight with the FSM, but that was years ago, it's all pasta now.

 

[Psinter]

Do you know what this is?

Spoiler: What is this?

What an awesome set of pottery. It would be a shame if someone were to crack them and convert them into...

Spoiler

 

[mfb]

The images don't load, and I think you swapped the order.