Collection of Lame Jokes

[DevilsAvocado]

Feeling a bit gloomy? Why not go to Germany and spend the weekend at this http://www.hotel-fueck.de/index.php?lang=en?

 

[Ibix]

There was a crazy guy throwing stuff around in the store today. I got hit by a bottle of Omega 3 pills, but it's ok. I only had super fish oil injuries.

 

[DevilsAvocado]

My college was a bit different.

You were lucky, we had it tough.

 

[dkotschessaa]

I think I created possibly the lamest math joke.

What do mathematicians put on their pancakes?

Theorep.

Thank you, thank you very much.

 

[OmCheeto]

Scientists today decided to accept the "quantum kilogram" as the new international standard mass unit. Unfortunately, no one could understand it.

Scientists today placed their "quantum kilogram" on a scale for the first time. Unfortunately, it collapsed.

Scientists are delighted about the cost efficiency of their new "quantum kilogram", as it can be studied in multiple labs at once.



sorry...

 

[HeLiXe]

You were lucky, we had it tough.

lolololll this is so great

 

[Borg]

lolololll this is so great

I liked the fact that I didn't see the fine print the first time that I read it.

 

[Evo]

I liked the fact that I didn't see the fine print the first time that I read it.

That was really funny!

 

[lisab]

Why does hamburger have less energy than steak?

Spoiler

Because it's in the ground state.

 

[xpeteyzx]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from KFC

Why did the second chicken cross the road?

He was playing follow the leader

 

[dkotschessaa]

How many boring people does it take to change a lightbulb?

...one.

 

[OmCheeto]

Scientists today decided to accept the "quantum kilogram" as the new international standard mass unit. ...

Several dead scientists were asked their opinion of the decision today:

Feinman; "I don't understand the decision."
Einstein; "Spooky."
Teller; "No one voted for the mega-ton as the standard... Idiots..."
Schrodinger; "The problem is, a cat, somewhere, will die every time you look at it, or, perhaps not."
Dyson; "I preferred the silicon sphere myself."*
Heisenberg; "Ah! Hahahahaha!"




sorry...


*Dyson is actually still alive, as of this posting. Knocks on wood.

 

[Borg]

Several dead scientists were asked their opinion of the decision today:

Feinman; "I don't understand the decision."
Einstein; "Spooky."
Teller; "No one voted for the mega-ton as the standard... Idiots..."
Schrodinger; "The problem is, a cat, somewhere, will die every time you look at it, or, perhaps not."
Dyson; "I preferred the silicon sphere myself."*
Heisenberg; "Ah! Hahahahaha!"




sorry...


*Dyson is actually still alive, as of this posting. Knocks on wood.

But weight, there's more! For a limited time, you can get your own quantum kilogram. Just call and don't call the 800 number and your order will be teleported to you.


Disclaimer: Quantum kilograms available in all states before ordering. Your quantum kilogram may not be available after you order it. Quantum teleportation not available with current technology.

 

[jtbell]

During my morning walk today, I passed a house that had a piece of equipment on the lawn, with a sign next to it:

FOR SALE - 1/2 HP ELECTRIC WENCH

 

[OmCheeto]

​

 

[jtbell]

Time for a geography quiz!

 

[jedishrfu]

Einstein developed a theory about space... and it was about time.

 

[cyberdiver]

Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton and Blaise Pascal were playing hide-and-seek one fine afternoon. It was decided that Einstein would seek, and Newton and Pascal would hide. He covered his eyes and began counting, "One, two, three...". Pascal dashed into the trees, while Newton drew a large square with a piece of chalk, then stood in it.
"...eight, nine, ten!"
Immediately, Einstein told Newton, "I found you!"
He replied, "No, you found one Newton per square metre; you found Pascal!"

 

[drizzle]

Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton and Blaise Pascal were playing hide-and-seek one fine afternoon. It was decided that Einstein would seek, and Newton and Pascal would hide. He covered his eyes and began counting, "One, two, three...". Pascal dashed into the trees, while Newton drew a large square with a piece of chalk, then stood in it.
"...eight, nine, ten!"
Immediately, Einstein told Newton, "I found you!"
He replied, "No, you found one Newton per square metre; you found Pascal!"

Lol.

 

[xunxine]

[Got this joke in my email]

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit… She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy...."It's a puppy!"

 

[Ibix]

How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

0.99999999...

 

[Enigman]

Sticky, please!

 

[D H]

A comma or two here would be good.

 

[jtbell]

I bet he eats shoots and leaves, too!

 

[drizzle]

A comma or two here would be good.

 

[Enigman]

So you were the one stole my mug...
Now that was a lame joke. Yours doesn't qualify D H- its too funny![/size]

 

[D H]

Warning: If someone sends you a link to the new Miley Cyrus video, don't click on it.

It's a link to the new Miley Cyrus video.

 

[dkotschessaa]

Warning: If someone sends you a link to the new Miley Cyrus video, don't click on it.

It's a link to the new Miley Cyrus video.

Ok, I'm "re-sharing" that.

 

[OmCheeto]

Ok, I'm "re-sharing" that.

I did too.

https://scontent-a-sea.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1385215_10151991085943035_1584542605_n.jpg​

 

[dkotschessaa]

http://cdn.themetapicture.com/media/funny-Rock-Paper-Scissors-movie-poster.jpg

 

[jtbell]

http://cdn.themetapicture.com/media/funny-Rock-Paper-Scissors-movie-poster.jpg

...-lizard-Spock.

 

[PhysicsDad]

 

[Mandelbroth]

 

[OmCheeto]

I'm always teasing the kids at work, how brilliant I am.

Today, #1 handed me a magazine, and someone said; "Do you understand any of that"?
I thumbed through the journal, and couldn't understand any of it.
On the last page, was a picture of cats, and I said; "those are cats".

King cats? was blurted out. (czar cats)
major groans.

Later, I mentioned that I was having a bad bout of gas. Someone else responded that they were having the same problem. The conversation devolved into "tooting"

The punmeister then responded; "Perhaps you're the king of tooters! (Tudors)"

...

 

[D H]

Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, dead at 53. Over Barcelona today, the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747. Eyewitnesses report that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.

 

[jtbell]

Overheard while Fred and Wilma were shopping for new kitchen countertops at the Bedrock Home Depot:

"Can't we get something gneiss instead of the same old schist?"

 

[dkotschessaa]

The first rule of tautology club is the first rule of tautology club.

 

[CompuChip]

Indeed, http://xkcd.com/703/

 

[dkotschessaa]

How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. You can always get a physicist to change it for you if you agree to help with some maths questions.

 

[Enigman]

Benjamin Franklin vs. Zeus
http://www.lolbrary.com/content/105/benjamin-franklin-vs-zeus--jason-heuser-30105.jpg

 

[collinsmark]

 

[Enigman]

http://www.ringtail.com/images/people/Peter%20Cushing%20vs%20Chuck%20Norris.jpg

 

[jtbell]

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

• Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
• Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
• Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
• Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
• Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
• Paranoid --- Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me
• Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
• Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells... Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

 

[drizzle]

 

[dkotschessaa]

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

• Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
• Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
• Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
• Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
• Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
• Paranoid --- Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me
• Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
• Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells... Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

Ok I'll try one
Attention Deficit Disorder - Hark, how the bells..hey those are cool.. where are those from? My friend had those. He's 17. He doesn't drive. Maybe next year. I have a car. It doesn't run...

 

[gravenewworld]

https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1474378_707691715930944_609271192_n.jpg

 

[texasH53D]

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

• Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
• Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
• Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
• Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
• Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
• Paranoid --- Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me
• Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
• Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells... Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

Hahaha I lost it at the Paranoid one ! :D

 

[lendav_rott]

That is so good, OCD and Paranoid made my day :D

 

[texasH53D]

More sad news from the music industry... Justin Beiber was found alive in his apartment today.

 

[OmCheeto]

https://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1506457_580033795399662_62815487_n.jpg​