Collection of Lame Jokes

[Psinter]

The element of butt:

Spoiler

Arsenic

Spoiler

Eh eh eh... pfft butt.

 

[Ibix]

A clown was walking down a riverbank when he came upon a nun trapped by rising water in the middle.

"Sister!" he called. "Let me help! I can carry you across this river!"

"Thank you, kind clown, but no!" she called back.

"But, Sister! You're trapped there!"

"Yes, but a nun being carried by a clown? It would be virgin on the ridiculous!"

 

[Pepper Mint]

A clown was walking down a riverbank when he came upon a nun trapped by rising water in the middle.

"Sister!" he called. "Let me help! I can carry you across this river!"

"Thank you, kind clown, but no!" she called back.

"But, Sister! You're trapped there!"

"Yes, but a nun being carried by a clown? It would be virgin on the ridiculous!"

I don't understand. In my area most nuns aren't really virgins anymore.

 

[Ibix]

I don't understand.

Something that is "verging on the ridiculous" is something really silly, on the verge of being outright ridiculous. Substituting "virgin" is a fairly common pun, although usually about Richard Branson's companies.

 

[davenn]

groan ...

https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13516160_10154259156641873_4201570270835991443_n.jpg?oh=605f614ef6e495722c6fb1ec38955acd&oe=580985A1

 

[EnumaElish]

A guy walks up to the library desk. He inquires: "do you have a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat?" Librarian: "it rings a bell, but I am not sure if there's one or not."

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

I wanted to visit it, but the route planner didn't find a way to get there.

Google Maps will get you there. Just ask for a route to Sheboygan.

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

groan ...

https://scontent-lax3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/13516160_10154259156641873_4201570270835991443_n.jpg?oh=605f614ef6e495722c6fb1ec38955acd&oe=580985A1

I hate a big fight with the FSM, but that was years ago, it's all pasta now.

 

[Psinter]

Do you know what this is?

Spoiler: What is this?

What an awesome set of pottery. It would be a shame if someone were to crack them and convert them into...

Spoiler

 

[mfb]

The images don't load, and I think you swapped the order.

 

[Sophia]

Do you know what ruins Friday?

When you find out it's only Monday!

 

[EnumaElish]

Do you know what this is?

Spoiler: What is this?

Crackpot?

What an awesome set of pottery. It would be a shame if someone were to crack them and convert them into...

Spoiler

pots?

 

[EnumaElish]

Do you know what ruins Friday?

When you find out it's only Monday!

Why does Wednesday suck?

It ruins both weekends.

 

[Psinter]

The images don't load, and I think you swapped the order.

Spoiler: What is this?

Crackpot?

Spoiler

pots?

Yup for the first, Enuma . Nope for the second. But the second was my bad. I think I should have written it like:

What an awesome set of pottery:

Spoiler

It would be a shame if someone were to crack them and convert them into ____________.

 

[Pepper Mint]

Q: How different is a dogwood to a cherry tree ?
A: its barks.

 

[fresh_42]

Black Holes' matter.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

Another couple of funnies ...

 

[Ketch22]

Why does nobody laugh at cow jokes?

They've herd them all before.

Why do cows have hooves,

Because they Lactose.

 

[davenn]

OK another couple for Friday ... almost time to get away from the salt mine

Dave

 

[256bits]

Two cows in a field.
" Aren't you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
"Not at all. I'm a helicopter!"
.
.
.
On the day of his 80th birthday, the pirate Captain runs to the lookout at the bow of the ship, and loudly yells to the world,
"Aye Matey"
.
.
.
You never will spot an elephant hiding behind a tree.
Because they are so really good at it.

 

[DrClaude]

Customer: I'd like a coffee, sugar, no cream.

Waiter: I'm sorry, but we're out of cream. Will a coffee with no milk be ok?

 

[Ibix]

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Freddie.
Freddie who?
Freddie or not, here I come.Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to your house.

 

[fresh_42]

I once had a girlfriend who never wore alge-bras.

 

[davenn]

a couple for Monday ...

 

[jtbell]

I once had a girlfriend who never wore alge-bras.

I hear mermaids wear algae-bras.

 

[Sophia]

A British comedian said recently:

There are so many Muslims in Britain that I don't feel like in Poland anymore!

 

[davenn]

a couple for Wednesday ...

 

[DrGreg]

Never mind. It's not the end of the world.

 

[fresh_42]

Never mind. It's not the end of the world.

Thank you! Now I'm stuck on this earworm:

 

[Fizica7]

You know the good thing about paedophiles driving around schools?
They always go slow.

 

[Pepper Mint]

You know the good thing about paedophiles driving around schools?
They always go slow.

Bhuhahah

 

[tobactrac]

When does a joke turn into a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.

Why can't your nose be 12 inches?
Because then it'd be a foot.

I know you're probably tired of lame jokes, but I'd like to say one more again.
One more again.

 

[Pepper Mint]

If you happen to use my libraries or software and run into problems, please be sure that many of them are deliberately created because I want to fix them again and again.

 

[Jonathan Scott]

If you happen to use my libraries or software and run into problems, please be sure that many of them are deliberately created because I want to fix them again and again.

I previously worked in a software development department where management decided to use the number of defects fixed as a measure of quality achieved. That meant for example that the worst code was rated as the highest quality, and that developers deliberately didn't bother to fix bugs they spotted early, as fixing them via defects would add to their quality score! Indeed, they could "improve" the quality by deliberately introducing additional bugs!
(I only wish that was a lame joke!)

 

[Pepper Mint]

Yes that is very true, totally you can say that again.

 

[mfb]

(I only wish that was a lame joke!)

It certainly sounds like one.

 

[256bits]

I previously worked in a software development department where management decided to use the number of defects fixed as a measure of quality achieved. That meant for example that the worst code was rated as the highest quality, and that developers deliberately didn't bother to fix bugs they spotted early, as fixing them via defects would add to their quality score! Indeed, they could "improve" the quality by deliberately introducing additional bugs!
(I only wish that was a lame joke!)

That is friggin hilarious.
Say it ain't so.

 

[jtbell]

When does a joke turn into a dad joke?

When it can't turn into a mom joke.

 

[fresh_42]

When does a joke turn into a dad joke?

When it can't turn into a mom joke.

That inspired me to:

When it's entangled and someone else observes a mom joke.

 

[mfb]

You shouldn't observe entangled mom/dad jokes, they probably want some privacy.

 

[fresh_42]

You shouldn't observe entangled mom/dad jokes, they probably want some privacy.

Well, they have their uncertainties to gain some privacy. Btw is it correct that a joke is only one coordinate of the punchline invariant four yawn-laughter vector?

 

[mfb]

Jokes are certainly not punchline-invariant, they only work with certain punchline frames.

I'm not sure about the vector you propose here.

 

[Fervent Freyja]

"Sending your selfies to NASA because you're a star."

 

[Ketch22]

More true than lame, but fits the thread.

 

[Ibix]

I noticed my salt shaker was empty and the TV remote wasn't working, so I went to the shops, got my items, and went to the checkout. They charged me for salt and battery.

 

[Sophia]

I look at my bank account and I see that I can live very comfortably for the rest of my life.

If I die next week.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

well after getting out of hospital after a 4 day stay, I am able to get active again on the forums :)

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xlp1/v/t1.0-9/14063896_946605415448761_7616171271803641071_n.jpg?oh=3004a3e48f609143280447e5f6c38682&oe=58581837&__gda__=1480758309_c38b8cbc6f91e1d4754bf0f0f2d7fa1eDave

 

[davenn]

for all us southerners