Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ibix]

tis wonderful to watch how these stories morph over the years

Indeed. The first time I heard it was on a Star Trek mailing list, where the carrier was named as the Enterprise. Captain's name not given, though.

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

well I never stated it as a fact, after all it is a jokes forum section and next to nothing posted in this section bears any
resemblance to reality
that said there are some things I didn't like in that link you posted, they too have glossed over some realities

I wasn't saying you were deliberately lying, I was saying that the shoes don't match that hat!

 

[fresh_42]

Let's go for a new story then, as had happened to me some years ago. I have told it in a different thread about public speaking, but as we talk about funny real life stories, here it goes.

There had been a famous worldwide computer virus in the nineties. It was an email virus and its hook was the subject line: "I love you". Maybe some of you will remember. We had a lot of fun at the time competing who had the most of them in our mailboxes. It was more annoying than causing serious trouble. Anyway, the hook line became famous in a way.

As our company changed its mail system to outlook, all local IT managers worldwide had gathered in UK's headquarter for a conference on how the new architecture had been installed and to be used. At the end of the talk, we could ask questions and I wanted to know how to deal with a massive infection with a then central server, so I stood up and asked completely seriously:
"Geoffrey, just in case of "I love you"... - that was how far I got as Geoffrey all of a sudden replied: "Oh, you better don't!"

 

[davenn]

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

View attachment 204246

That's why trenching machines are so handy.

 

[davenn]

 

[EnumaElish]

View attachment 204259

It's next to, but not quite, impossible to find someone who can do that - it's a specific form of synesthesia.

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

It's next to, but not quite, impossible to find someone who can do that - it's a specific form of synesthesia.

Reminds me of my rules of marriage.

1. If, during a domestic dispute, the husband is found to be wrong, he should apologize immediately.

2. If, during a domestic dispute, the husband is found to be right, he should apologize immediately.

3. When in doubt, you're wrong.

 

[Drakkith]

A couple of friends super glued a baby carrier onto the top of their car and went driving around LA. The cops weren't amused.

For a few seconds I was picturing a baby aircraft carrier.

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

For a few seconds I was picturing a baby aircraft carrier.

Wasp, Hornet, etc.?

 

[Drakkith]

Wasp, Hornet, etc.?

USS Hornet, you say?

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

View attachment 204302
USS Hornet, you say?

Yeah, Korean War.

 

[davenn]

for all the true mechanical engineers out there ...

A ship engine failed and no one could fix it. Then they brought in a chap with 40 yrs on the job. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom. After looking things over, the guy reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. The engine was fixed! 7 Days later the owners got his bill for 10k. 'What?!' the owners said 'You hardly did anything. Send us an itemized bill.” the reply simply said

Tapping with a hammer. .£2
Knowing where to tap. .£9998

Don't underestimate experience.

 

[davenn]

hahaha

 

[jtbell]

This is actually from the last day of my road trip, going through Kentucky on Saturday, but I thought it belongs better here.

 

[phinds]

Why Trump was more polite to the Pope in person than he had been during the campaign:

 

[phinds]

 

[Ibix]

Did you hear about the aerials that got married? The ceremony was boring but the reception was great.

 

[phinds]

Or the furniture factory worker who died by drowning in a vat of varnish ... terrible way to die but it was a hell of a great finish.

 

[Ibix]

How about the person who drowned in a bowl of muesli? Pulled under by a strong currant.

 

[phinds]

What do you get if you mate and elephant with a rhinoceros?

Spoiler

'ell if I know

 

[Windadct]

What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9, and never has 5.

 

[collinsmark]

What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9, and never has 5.

Spoiler

Hint: There is no spoon. There is no question.

 

[mfb]

Spoiler

Typically written with more quotation marks.

A version that does have a question:
What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9; never has 5?

 

[Ibix]

A bear walks into a bar and orders a vodka. As the barman gets the bottle down the bear adds "...and coke".

"Why the big pause?" asks the barman.

"They're good for catching fish," says the bear.

 

[Ibix]

What do you call a woman with a knife in one hand, a screwdriver in the other, a corkscrew in one pocket and a file in the other?

A Swiss Army wife.

 

[Ibix]

A good pun is its own reword.

 

[david2]

What goes trough a fly's mind when it splashes against the window of a car?

its ass.

 

[davenn]

for the lack of a better place to post this one ( non joke)

really cool art

 

[DrGreg]

You'd be a nut not to feel wrenched by that.