Collection of Lame Jokes

[Drakkith]

Wasp, Hornet, etc.?

USS Hornet, you say?

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

View attachment 204302
USS Hornet, you say?

Yeah, Korean War.

 

[davenn]

for all the true mechanical engineers out there ...

A ship engine failed and no one could fix it. Then they brought in a chap with 40 yrs on the job. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom. After looking things over, the guy reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. The engine was fixed! 7 Days later the owners got his bill for 10k. 'What?!' the owners said 'You hardly did anything. Send us an itemized bill.” the reply simply said

Tapping with a hammer. .£2
Knowing where to tap. .£9998

Don't underestimate experience.

 

[davenn]

hahaha

 

[jtbell]

This is actually from the last day of my road trip, going through Kentucky on Saturday, but I thought it belongs better here.

 

[phinds]

Why Trump was more polite to the Pope in person than he had been during the campaign:

 

[phinds]

 

[Ibix]

Did you hear about the aerials that got married? The ceremony was boring but the reception was great.

 

[phinds]

Or the furniture factory worker who died by drowning in a vat of varnish ... terrible way to die but it was a hell of a great finish.

 

[Ibix]

How about the person who drowned in a bowl of muesli? Pulled under by a strong currant.

 

[phinds]

What do you get if you mate and elephant with a rhinoceros?

Spoiler

'ell if I know

 

[Windadct]

What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9, and never has 5.

 

[collinsmark]

What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9, and never has 5.

Spoiler

Hint: There is no spoon. There is no question.

 

[mfb]

Spoiler

Typically written with more quotation marks.

A version that does have a question:
What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9; never has 5?

 

[Ibix]

A bear walks into a bar and orders a vodka. As the barman gets the bottle down the bear adds "...and coke".

"Why the big pause?" asks the barman.

"They're good for catching fish," says the bear.

 

[Ibix]

What do you call a woman with a knife in one hand, a screwdriver in the other, a corkscrew in one pocket and a file in the other?

A Swiss Army wife.

 

[Ibix]

A good pun is its own reword.

 

[david2]

What goes trough a fly's mind when it splashes against the window of a car?

its ass.

 

[davenn]

for the lack of a better place to post this one ( non joke)

really cool art

 

[DrGreg]

You'd be a nut not to feel wrenched by that.

 

[phinds]

That's terrific, Davenn. I've posted it on a woodworking forum and it took 2 seconds to get its first "like"

 

[Ibix]

for the lack of a better place to post this one ( non joke)

really cool art

View attachment 204946

You know how you drop a nut and it vanishes somewhere never to be seen again? It's probably feral wrenches taking them to feed their brood of baby spanners.

 

[dkotschessaa]

You know how you drop a nut and it vanishes somewhere never to be seen again? It's probably feral wrenches taking them to feed their brood of baby spanners.

YOU'VE SOLVED IT!

 

[jtbell]

You know how you drop a nut and it vanishes somewhere never to be seen again? It's probably feral wrenches taking them to feed their brood of baby spanners.

I always thought robot squirrels buried them somewhere.

 

[Ibix]

YOU'VE SOLVED IT!

Now all we need is some wrench poison...

I always thought robot squirrels buried them somewhere.

Could be both? Maybe there's a whole mechanical ecology out there...

 

[dkotschessaa]

Now all we need is some wrench poison...

WD40?

 

[Ibix]

WD40?

That's an aphrodisiac, according to Red Dwarf. But maybe it also makes their jaws too well lubricated to pick up more nuts? It could work.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

You know how you drop a nut and it vanishes somewhere never to be seen again? It's probably feral wrenches taking them to feed their brood of baby spanners.

What took you so long to figure it out?

 

[davenn]

haha

 

[Ibix]

One I just read:

Did you hear about the Imperial Stormtrooper and the Starfleet security guard who got into a fight? The Stormtrooper missed every shot but the redshirt died anyway.

 

[mfb]

They should have employed Metric Stormtroopers. If you have to convert units all the time, you miss - ask NASA.

 

[BillTre]

 

[Stavros Kiri]

They should have employed Metric Stormtroopers. If you have to convert units all the time, you miss - ask NASA.

Just saw that one ... lol! ...

 

[phinds]

You younger folks won't likely get this one

 

[Stavros Kiri]

You younger folks won't likely get this one

View attachment 205499

I'm not sure if I got it, which perhaps means I'm probably still young!

[Question: is it the same guy? ... Or his mother or something? Or perhaps I don't even want to know? ...]

 

[phinds]

I'm not sure if I got it, which perhaps means I'm probably still young!

[Question: is it the same guy? ... Or his mother or something? Or perhaps I don't even want to know? ...]

It's from a 60's TV show

 

[Stavros Kiri]

It's from a 60's TV show

Ok. I wasn't around in the sixties, but I will look it up, since I think I've seen the guy somewhere.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

It's from a 60's TV show

Is that what you have in mind?
http://thegreatamericandisconnect.b...f-sessions-to-reprise-granny-clampet.html?m=1

 

[davenn]

Is that what you have in mind?
http://thegreatamericandisconnect.b...f-sessions-to-reprise-granny-clampet.html?m=1

probably yes :)

the similarity in looks is scary hahaha

 

[strangerep]

One wonders whether Granny Clampett might do a better job of leading the war on terror.

 

[jtbell]

What did the Martian mouse say to the first Earthlings that he met after landing here?

"Take me to your Liederkranz!"

 

[Mark44]

One wonders whether Granny Clampett might do a better job of leading the war on terror.

Let's keep political comments out of this thread...

 

[fresh_42]

What did the Martian mouse say to the first Earthlings that he met after landing here?

"Take me to your Liederkranz!"

The real funny thing about it is the meaning of "Liederkranz" which translates as songs' circle, which makes it a triple joke.

 

[EnumaElish]

 

[jtbell]

Remember the girl who sold sea shells by the sea shell shore? Well, those shells have gone high tech, with Bluetooth connectivity and built-in amplifiers so you can better hear the ocean roar.

So, now she sells C cells for her sea shells.

 

[davenn]

ohhh dear ...

 

[davenn]

this would freak them out ...

 

[Ibix]

How does a lion greet other animals in the jungle?

Pleased to eat you.

(Courtesy of one of my son's classmates)

 

[Bandersnatch]

There should be a 'groan' button instead of 'like', especially for this thread.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

And how do the other animals greet the lion in the jungle?

"Please don't eat me!"