Collection of Lame Jokes

[fresh_42]

How does a lion greet other animals in the jungle?
Pleased to eat you.

Lions are polite people. The entire text is

Pleased to eat you
Hope you guess I'm tame
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game

 

[Ibix]

Be alert!

Your country needs lerts.

 

[mfb]

Instructions unclear, became a larm.

 

[Ibix]

Instructions unclear, became a larm.

Dear mfb,

Unfortunately, at this time we have no need for larms. We will keep your CV on file and, should a post come up, we will contact you to see if you are a vailable.

Yours etc.,
Ibix.

 

[fresh_42]

Unfortunately, at this time we have no need for larms.

I'm a stonished.

 

[Ibix]

I'm a stonished.

I can only be a pologetic.

 

[Bandersnatch]

I would want to become a larm, very much. But they told me I could only be an ything.

 

[jtbell]

All this talk is making me hungry for some reason. I'm going to go get a napple.

 

[fresh_42]

All this talk is making me hungry for some reason. I'm going to go get a napple.

Good idea, me a swell.

 

[DrClaude]

I would want to become a larm, very much. But they told me I could only be an ything.

That's not true, I'm a fraid.

 

[Ibix]

That's not true, I'm a fraid.

A harsh truth, but it's good of you to make him a ware.

 

[fresh_42]

And I thought everybody fell a sleep. I've fallen one last night as I no longer was a wake.

 

[davenn]

me over the last few days ...

 

[davenn]

Groan ... hahaha

 

[davenn]

good tee-shirt

 

[DrClaude]

me over the last few days ...

I like the "waiting" symbol on the frog.

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 206184

From the Alannis Morisette school of Labelling Things Ironic, I see...

 

[DrClaude]

From the Alannis Morisette school of Labelling Things Ironic, I see...

I disagree. A company called Dominoes whose scooters have fallen like dominoes is proper irony.

 

[davenn]

we have Domino's pizza here in Australia

not sure where that photo was taken ?

 

[DrClaude]

not sure where that photo was taken ?

Looks like the UK.

 

[Ibix]

not sure where that photo was taken ?

There's a Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) logo in the very top right, a Belisha beacon visible just above the R of "irony" and the cars are driving on the left. So my money's on the UK - not necessarily Scotland. The bus livery would probably narrow it down some, but I don't recognise it. Also the bin has something on it which I expect is the local council logo, but the resolution is too low to see it.

I disagree. A company called Dominoes whose scooters have fallen like dominoes is proper irony.

Merriam-Webster offers:

1: a pretense of ignorance and of willingness to learn from another assumed in order to make the other's false conceptions conspicuous by adroit questioning —called also Socratic irony

2 a : the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning b : a usually humorous or sardonic literary style or form characterized by irony c : an ironic expression or utterance
3 a (1) : incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result (2) : an event or result marked by such incongruity b : incongruity between a situation developed in a drama and the accompanying words or actions that is understood by the audience but not by the characters in the play —called also dramatic irony, tragic irony

None of which seems to match fallen scooters, to my mind. That's something like the New Scientist's old Nominative Determinism spot, I think.

Or are you employing irony and I'm over-analysing it?

 

[DrClaude]

Merriam-Webster offers:
None of which seems to match fallen scooters, to my mind. That's something like the New Scientist's old Nominative Determinism spot, I think.

Or are you employing irony and I'm over-analysing it?

I've checked the OED, and the result is the same. So what is it if it is not irony? (I would still argue that it is closer to irony than what Alanis Morissette sung ).

 

[DrClaude]

Merriam-Webster offers:
None of which seems to match fallen scooters, to my mind. That's something like the New Scientist's old Nominative Determinism spot, I think.

Or are you employing irony and I'm over-analysing it?

I've checked the OED, and the result is the same. So what is it if it is not irony? (I would still argue that it is closer to irony than what Alanis Morissette sung ).

 

[Ibix]

Tempting fate? Or fate having succumbed to temptation, at this point.

 

[Bandersnatch]

I'm thinking, the ironic thing would be for the scooters not to fall like dominoes.
Now, you're probably thinking: 'Aha! Each time I'll pass by Domino's scooters standing straight, I'll sing Alanis' "Isn't that ironic?"' - well, you shouldn't. You should sing it when the scooters are fallen like dominoes. This is because the song is famous for misusing irony. So now you can apply irony to an unironic situation by being ironic about an unironic song with irony in its name.

 

[Ibix]

Actually there is a relationship to dramatic irony here, isn't there? You can imagine a workplace sitcom, and the drivers neatly parking their scooters outside the shop, close enough together so that they don't take up too much room but far enough apart so they can get on. But the camera can see from another angle that they've set up a row of Domino's...

 

[mfb]

incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result

The expected results of Domino's: Pizza delivery.
The actual result: Used as chain of dominos.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

The expected results of Domino's: Pizza delivery.
The actual result: Used as chain of dominos.

... and I'm still hungry ... waiting! ...

 

[BL4CKB0X97]

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

What are little girls made of?
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice
And everything nice
That's what little girls are made of.

What are little boys made of?
What are little boys made of?

Two hemispheres of uranium in a gun-type housing.

 

[Bandersnatch]

Two hemispheres of uranium in a gun-type housing.

It's been a while, but I'm pretty sure these were ring stacks.

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

It's been a while, but I'm pretty sure these were ring stacks.

I signed out of Alamogordo for the last time years ago.

 

[david2]

 

[davenn]

haha

 

[Mark44]

I once applied for a job in the circus -- to be shot out of a cannon.
In my interview for this position, the circus manager said, "I'm sorry, we're looking for someone of a higher caliber."

 

[Ibix]

Imagine if you got the job. You'd have been fired on your first day.

 

[mfb]

And if you don't get fired, they still get fired.

 

[pixel]

Did you hear about the new book on anti-gravity?

I couldn't put it down.

 

[BillTre]

XKCD celebrates the 4th:

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

XKCD celebrates the 4th:

View attachment 206539

2022: Drones are gone. But they'll be back!

 

[mfb]

We should be quite safe from Terminators now. When was the last time you saw a printed phone book?

 

[Stavros Kiri]

We should be quite safe from Terminators now. When was the last time you saw a printed phone book?

Yesterday, but the T-5 model uses google now ...

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

We should be quite safe from Terminators now. When was the last time you saw a printed phone book?

I get three thrown on my front porch every spring.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

I once applied for a job in the circus -- to be shot out of a cannon.
In my interview for this position, the circus manager said, "I'm sorry, we're looking for someone of a higher caliber."

What if you were of a too high caliber?

 

[davenn]

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

View attachment 206581

Noisy's Rules of Marriage.

1. If, during a domestic dispute, it is found that the husband is wrong, he should immediately apologize.

2. If, during a domestic dispute, it is found that the husband is right, he should immediately apologize.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

What if you were of a too high caliber?

(I'll just answer it myself)

In other words, the too good don't get hired, ... because they cannot be fired!

 

[Mark44]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra ...

 

[Mark44]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh