Collection of Lame Jokes

[WWGD]

of course not poor guy already gets such a hard lifeI will be in Juneau later this year but arriving by cruise ship, not plane.
A cruise up and down the Alaskan and British Columbian coasts

I like Alaska, Ju Neau?

 

[WWGD]

Lady on the subway reading the map, the part that says 'You are Here' :
" How do they know?"

 

[davenn]

Juneau

I like Alaska, Ju Neau?

I still not sure how to pronounce that correctly ??

 

[fresh_42]

Juneau
I still not sure how to pronounce that correctly ??

The ending is French. In this case you can't pronounce it correctly. At least I've never heard an English speaker pronouncing the 'u' correctly. Seems out of reach.

 

[WWGD]

Juneau

I still not sure how to pronounce that correctly ??

Here it is pronounced sort of as " You Know" , but instead of a soft 'You', more like in 'Jew

The ending is French. In this case you can't pronounce it correctly. At least I've never heard an English speaker pronouncing the 'u' correctly. Seems out of reach.

Well, we are in the jokes forums, so I guess we can relax rigor here. Ju know?

 

[WWGD]

Walked into a conference for Physicists at the school. Shouted: "Which one of you is Sheldon"?

 

[WWGD]

Here it is pronounced sort of as " You Know" , but instead of a soft 'You', more like in 'Jew

Well, we are in the jokes forums, so I guess we can relax rigor here. Ju know?

Altho I've been told I do the opposite, using rigor in jokes and relaxing it in my Math...

 

[fresh_42]

Well, we are in the jokes forums, so I guess we can relax rigor here. Ju know?

Yes, but it is interesting. The reason is a different use of the tongue, which is why most foreigners have an accent in English, whereas some other sounds do not exist in English, e.g. Jules (Verne). The 'j' is very soft, a superposition of 'sh' and 'z', and 'u' doesn't have an equivalent. A bit like in 'myriad', but far more closed. On the other hand it is difficult for us non-native speakers to roll the tongue and speak in the back of the mouth instead of the front. Would be interesting to know when this imprinting takes place, and how some manage to overcome it.

 

[WWGD]

Yes, but it is interesting. The reason is a different use of the tongue, which is why most foreigners have an accent in English, whereas some other sounds do not exist in English, e.g. Jules (Verne). The 'j' is very soft, a superposition of 'sh' and 'z', and 'u' doesn't have an equivalent. A bit like in 'myriad', but far more closed. On the other hand it is difficult for us non-native speakers to roll the tongue and speak in the back of the mouth instead of the front. Would be interesting to know when this imprinting takes place, and how some manage to overcome it.

My speculation is that those that don't overcome it are still thinking in their native language. Similar
for problems of English speakers in other languages. The inner-settings are still in the original language
but the language being used has changed.

 

[mfb]

It is not just a difficulty to make the sound. For people who grew up with English it is often difficult to hear any difference between u and ü (using the German umlaut for the sound here) - something that is really easy for people who grew up using both sounds.

There is a lot of discussion how exactly it works, but it looks like infants can pick up all the differences but then become insensitive to differences not used in the language(s) they hear. It gets much more difficult to learn them again later.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Critical_period_hypothesishttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Language_acquisition#Sensitive_period

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 244258

True story: back when my wife and I were just dating I impulse-purchased some carnations in a local supermarket on my way over to her place one day. It was a cold grey day and it was starting to rain - so I was slightly surprised when another guy, wearing a rather wet tshirt and no coat and with a slightly wild-eyed expression, skidded to a stop in front of me and asked where I'd bought the roses. I pointed out that they were carnations and gave him directions to the supermarket. I must admit that "what did he do and how angry is she" was exactly what I was wondering.

 

[fresh_42]

True story: back when my wife and I were just dating I impulse-purchased some carnations in a local supermarket on my way over to her place one day. It was a cold grey day and it was starting to rain - so I was slightly surprised when another guy, wearing a rather wet tshirt and no coat and with a slightly wild-eyed expression, skidded to a stop in front of me and asked where I'd bought the roses. I pointed out that they were carnations and gave him directions to the supermarket. I must admit that "what did he do and how angry is she" was exactly what I was wondering.

What amazes me with those stories and the picture above: They work on a global level and everyone (male?!) immediately understands them. No cultural, religious or race distinctions, only a silent agreement which doesn't need any explanation.

 

[strangerep]

[...] only a silent agreement which doesn't need any explanation.

Yeah, man - got yer back. Bitches be crazy.

 

[Mark44]

Juneau

I still not sure how to pronounce that correctly ??

It's the French equivalent of Latin Juno, which we in the US pronouce it like June' -o, with accent on the first syllable.

There's a town on Vancouver Island, BC, called Esquimault -- you'd never guess how the Canadians pronounce it...
The word is of French origin, due to the influence of French fur trappers 150 or so years back, but that's no help in knowing how to say this word.

 

[mfb]

The Township of Esquimalt /ɪˈskwaɪmɔːlt/

What a horror.

 

[jim mcnamara]

At last, a decently awful Geology pun:
What is the highest from of flattery?

Spoiler

A mesa

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

Miracle Teenager Survives On His Own For Almost 6 Hours With No Wi-Fi

 

[fresh_42]

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"If you forgot, I won't remind you!"

 

[256bits]

"Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"If you forgot, I won't remind you!"

Sure fire way to get arrested for obstruction of justice.

 

[fresh_42]

Q: Why do bees only have a queen?
A: If they had a government, too, they wouldn't have enough honey for the rest.

 

[Ibix]

Q: Why do bees only have a queen?

They have a Sting, too. So possibly The Police.

 

[fresh_42]

They have a Sting, too. So possibly The Police.

It's getting hot here, and tomorrow will even be hotter, 'cause that one took a while!

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

I think these guys have had one to many beers.

 

[strangerep]

Imagine the taste when that guy puts those falsies back in his mouth!

I guess he's the kind of guy who likes to go,... er,... downtown.

 

[WWGD]

4/3 of the people cannot do basic Arithmetic or Statistics...

 

[WWGD]

Jeffree is now officially Jef +$9.95 for Shipping and Handling.

 

[Ibix]

4/3 of the people cannot do basic Arithmetic or Statistics...

93% of statistics are made up on the spot[1].

[1] Ibix, https://www.physicsforums.com/threads/collection-of-lame-jokes.25301/post-6188344, retrieved 3rd June 2019.

 

[WWGD]

93% of statistics are made up on the spot[1].

[1] Ibix, https://www.physicsforums.com/threads/collection-of-lame-jokes.25301/post-6188344, retrieved 3rd June 2019.

How about the other 10%?

 

[fresh_42]

How about the other 10%?

Are normal disputed.

 

[Ibix]

How about the other 10%?

Lies and damned lies, I believe.

 

[jtbell]

What did the grape do when someone stepped on it?

It let out a little wine.

 

[DrGreg]

What did the grape do when someone stepped on it?

It let out a little wine.

Why was the grape on the floor?

The Grape Escape

 

[davenn]

What did the grape do when someone stepped on it?

It let out a little wine.

Speaking of wine...

There's an old Australian joke...
What is an Aussie girls favourite wine ?

"When are we going home?"

 

[DrClaude]

How about the other 10%?

There are three kinds of people, those who can count and those who can't.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[mfb]

There are three kinds of people, those who can count and those who can't.

There are 10 kinds of people, those who count in binary and those who don't.

 

[fresh_42]

There are 10 kinds of people, those who count in binary and those who don't.

This was already said

There are three kinds of people, those who can count and those who can't.

 

[Ibix]

There are 10 kinds of people, those who count in binary and those who don't.

Hurkyl's response to this upthread is good. Humanino's response - next post after Hurkyl's - is priceless.

 

[Fig Neutron]

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

 

[strangerep]

What is an Aussie girls favourite wine ?
"When are we going home?"

How does an Australian nurse know whether she had a good time last night?

[And would I receive an infraction for giving the answer here on PF?]

 

[davenn]

[And would I receive an infraction for giving the answer here on PF?]

probably hahaha

 

[gmax137]

Hurkyl's response to this upthread is good. Humanino's response - next post after Hurkyl's - is priceless.

Some of the others that follow are good too. I really liked the Olaf jokes. I don't remember reading those, but 2009 was a long time ago.

 

[jack action]

 

[Steelwolf]

^^^That first pig cheated by doing it 'Wright' ^^^

Although it looks like a bottle box (although it may have been a battery instead) next to it so they may have been flying to dinner!

 

[Fig Neutron]

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It’s fine, he woke up.

 

[fresh_42]