Collection of Lame Jokes

[phinds]

Quarantine, day 20 diary entry:
Today I melted an ice cube by just staring at it and focusing on wanting
it to melt. It took a lot longer that I had expected.

The drop in gas prices during this quarantine is like a bald guy winning a hair brush

What's the difference between Las Vegas and Wuhan? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

 

[BillTre]

 

[mfb]

The first panel is a roller-coaster.

"I hear you are going to [a] nice ..."
- Oh, it's the city, change the pronunciation
- Oh, the pronunciation is corrected by the other one, so it was pronounced incorrectly.

 

[Keith_McClary]

What's the difference between Las Vegas and Wuhan? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Las Vegas mayor offers city as 'control group' to see how many die of COVID-19 without social distancing

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Mark44]

I went to the doctor the other day.

"Doctor, I have this song running through my mind all the time -- 'The Green, Green, Grass of Home'."
Doctor: "It sounds like you have developed Tom Jones Syndrome."
Me: "Is that pretty common?"
Doctor: "It's not unusual."

 

[BillTre]

 

[Ibix]

So I rang the gym the other day and asked if the guy could teach me to do the splits. "How flexible are you?" he asked me. "Well," I said, "I can't do Tuesdays."

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 261268

Does his collection include an egress like the one P. T. Barnum had?

 

[phinds]

Does his collection include an egress like the one P. T. Barnum had?

I was wondering the same thing.

 

[Ibix]

Does his collection include an egress like the one P. T. Barnum had?

I didn't know that story... For anyone else confused, see http://www.ptbarnum.org/egress.html.

 

[Ibix]

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

 

[strangerep]

View attachment 261110

Oh geez. That reminds me of when, at the very young age of 4, I needed to have a hernia operation. For some reason, they couldn't use anaesthetic-by-needle on me, and instead used a chloroform mask.

It was the most devastatingly horrendously terrifying experience of my tender life up to that point. It seemed like I was screaming for an eternity before I lost consciousness.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[phinds]

 

[BillTre]

 

[davenn]

In Venice the pollution levels have reduced so much, the handbags are starting to swim again.

 

[BillTre]

 

[jtbell]

Are you still having trouble finding toilet paper? Try your local bakery.

 

[Ibix]

Are you still having trouble finding toilet paper? Try your local bakery.

View attachment 261566

It's glutein free as well, according to the sign...

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[mfb]

They did practice social distancing on the way.

 

[jack action]

Spoiler: animation video

​

​

 

[Keith_McClary]

Spoiler: Animation video

​

​

I think we've had questions like that.

 

[WWGD]

Why Psychologists should avoid narrow doors in their offices. Sign:
A Smith
Psycho-
the-
Rapist

 

[256bits]

View attachment 261207

Reminds of this one.
( it has to be said with some slang and slurring )

You know a city in Alaska?
Everybody knows Juneau.
What? Do you know.
Yes, Juneau,
I asked you first.

 

[phinds]

 

[jedishrfu]

Or the Miss America pageant joke on rabbits:

Do you want to know how to catch a unique rabbit?

Yes, How?

You neak up on it

Do you want to know how to catch a tame rabbit?

The tame way you neak up on it.