Collection of Lame Jokes

[fresh_42]

 

[gmax137]

I always imagine what it would be like to make a similar such call and reach the wrong number: " Oh, apologies. Then tell your neighbor, I will kill him".

I had a friend in high school who would dial random numbers from pay phones. When someone picked up, he would say, "This is your last chance. If you don't come up with the money, you'll never see her again. You know where and when, and remember, no cops!" And then he hung up.

 

[nsaspook]

The initial comment I had was that 'resistance is futile'.

I mean, if the killers offered no resistance, then the two on the bottom left will short out the load, and the two on the right would not be currently killing. (or not killing current?)

If the killers do offer resistance, then what's the point of the surplus resistor in either circuit?

And it's not strictly parallel either. One per line please. Jokes should get it right.

It's a superconducting resistor so we have killers with super-powers.

 

[Baluncore]

It's a superconducting resistor so we have killers with super-powers.

There can be no power in a superconducting resistor.

 

[Tom.G]

Ahh, but it can have a voltage-killing effect even without using any power.
Does that qualify as a super-power without any power?

(that's as deep as I care to go down that rabbit hole)

 

[Orodruin]

 

[fresh_42]

My ex texted me "Wish you were here!"
She always does this when she walks through the cemetery.

 

[nuuskur]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 340008

I heard of someone who got back to her desk to find a note asking her to call Jill Withergee at a company they did business with. She rang the company and asked for Jill Withergee, but got "no-one of that name here". After a bit of back-and-forth she eventually realised the message had been left by Gill, who spelt her name with a G.

 

[fresh_42]

Guess that's why our "doughnuts" are spheres and not tori:

 

[WWGD]

Guess that's why our "doughnuts" are spheres and not tori:

View attachment 340009

Tori Spelling: T , o, r, i.I.
Homer Simpson: D'Oh nuts.

 

[WWGD]

I had a friend in high school who would dial random numbers from pay phones. When someone picked up, he would say, "This is your last chance. If you don't come up with the money, you'll never see her again. You know where and when, and remember, no cops!" And then he hung up.

There was this prank show where the person starring, dressed in a trench coat and dark glasses, would sit in occupied benches at public parks , utter a cheesy cold war phrase to the person in the bench, like "Winter Started Early in Moscow this year" , and slide a manila envelope supposedly filled with secret documents across the bench. Upon seeing the quizzical look of the other person at the bench, he'd say " You're not black bear? Excuse me, I got the wrong person." I wish I could remember the name of the show.

 

[Orodruin]

 

[WWGD]

 

[collinsmark]

View attachment 340024

Here's a link to the original SMBC comic, since it's hard to read on PF w/ PF's image size restrictions.

Source: https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/2015-01-25

 

[jtbell]

The executioner was sitting next to his guillotine one morning, getting ready for the days's work. A guy walked past and saw him making notes on a piece of paper.

"What's that?"

"My chopping list."

 

[jack action]

Bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

Don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.

 

[jack action]

 

[Orodruin]

View attachment 340040​

If you ever wondered why obesity is becoming a societal issue …

 

[phinds]

 

[Orodruin]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[collinsmark]

(Source: https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/temp)

 

[DennisN]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[Orodruin]

 

[DrGreg]

I don't know what all the fuss is about salads. I mean, it's not rocket science.

 

[Orodruin]

 

[dextercioby]

A certain day is around the corner. So here's a blast from the past (ancient meme).

 

[H_A_Landman]

What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and gooey?

Bubble gum.

 

[nsaspook]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[WWGD]

I heard of someone who got back to her desk to find a note asking her to call Jill Withergee at a company they did business with. She rang the company and asked for Jill Withergee, but got "no-one of that name here". After a bit of back-and-forth she eventually realised the message had been left by Gill, who spelt her name with a G.

Maybe it's easier to have a more distinctive " wither" last name. Not likely to have a confusion with the name ' Witherspoon'.

 

[dextercioby]

 

[fresh_42]

Maybe it's easier to have a more distinctive " wither" last name. Not likely to have a confusion with the name ' Witherspoon'.

What does Reese eat if she doesn't eat grease with her spoon?

 

[WWGD]

What does Reese eat if she doesn't eat grease with her spoon?

The pieces. Reeses's pieces.

 

[BillTre]

 

[sbrothy]

After consuming Amanita, it can take a week. After having the symptoms of a mild cold for two or three days, you get pretty hungry, especially on the 4th day when you feel much better. Just when you thought the illness was over, you enter three days of progressive liver, then multiple organ failure, and it is your life that is over.

Is there a faster acting toxic fungi than Amanita toxin ?

And still there are people who think i'ts a good idea to ingest them recreationally.

 

[sbrothy]

The pieces. Reeses's pieces.

I immediately thought of a word that rhymes and starts with f....

 

[WWGD]

I immediately thought of a word that rhymes and starts with f....

I was thinking of that too, somehow . Edit: When I ask for one, I say, with a 'p'.

 

[jtbell]

At church yesterday, Gladys saw someone who looked like a newcomer.

"Hi, I'm Gladys Dunn."

"So am I! That was the longest sermon I've ever heard."