Collection of Lame Jokes

[davenn]

Engineers joke!
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!'

The priest said, 'Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
He said, 'Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The engineer said, 'Why can't they play at night?'

 

[WWGD]

Afghanistan is between Iraq and a hard place.

 

[Borg]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Spoiler: To get to the concert!

 

[DennisN]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

We need more of those :

 

[jack action]

 

[Borg]

The Composinator.

 

[member 728827]

An icelander guy arrives home, and speaks loudly to his wife:

- I' m really pissed! The speech therapyst says I don't pronunce correctly the word "ridge".

- Calm down dear... could you say that word again?

- Ridge, ridge, ridge...

- Don't mind, you pronunciation is perfect.

- Yes, that's what I think. Is really hot here, could you bring me a cold beer from the ridge?

 

[member 728827]

A local man is calmly leaning against a fence in the countryside, when a city tourist approaches him and asks:

-What a big flock of sheeps you have here! Do they eat a lot of grass?

The local farmer answers:

-Which ones, the white or the black ones?

-The white ones.

-The white sheeps eat, more or less, 10 kilograms of grass every day.

-And the black ones?

-The black ones too! About 10 Kilograms. That 's it.

-And tell me, how much wool do they produce in a year?

-Which of them, the white or the black ones?

-The white ones, for example.

-Those produce 5 kilograms of wool per year.

-And the black ones?

-The black ones produce the same amount.

-How interesting! And tell me, at what price your sheep meat sells for?

-For which ones, the white or the black ones?

-Black ones!

-Meat sells for about 10 euros per gross kilogram.

-And the white ones?

-The white ones too, the same price.

The tourist is a little perplexed, and finally exclaims:

-Every time I ask you something, you tell me to distinguish between white and black sheeps, but it seems that your answer is always the same, no matter the color. How is that?

-Simple, the white ones are mine.

-And the black ones?

-The black ones... too! All sheeps are mine.

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[jack action]

 

[Orodruin]

 

[jack action]

 

[DennisN]

Oh, gosh, what a funny t-shirt. I think I'm going to get one... I'll think about it.

Source: here

 

[Ibix]

Oh, gosh, what a funny t-shirt. I think I'm going to get one... I'll think about it.

View attachment 344987

Source: here

A friend claimed to have won an award for procrastination. When challenged to prove it he said he couldn't because he'd never got round to collecting it.

 

[DrGreg]

International Society of Procrastinators

I was going to join as a member, but I never got round to it.

I'll probably join some time next month.

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[jtbell]

Why did the student bring a ladder to graduation?

So he could graduate at the top of his class.

 

[gmax137]

I forgot how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.

I’M LIVID.

 

[WWGD]

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[rayansmith]

Q. What do you call fake spaghetti?
A. An impasta.
Q. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
A. It was two-tired.

 

[nsaspook]

 

[berkeman]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 344550

Better than worms in the brain.

 

[jtbell]

A landlord showing apartments to a prospective tenant is getting frustrated:

"Come now, Mr. Shakespeare, please make up your mind! Which one do you want? 2B or not 2B, that is the question!"

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[DrGreg]

A landlord showing apartments to a prospective tenant is getting frustrated:

"Come now, Mr. Shakespeare, please make up your mind! Which one do you want? 2B or not 2B, that is the question!"

Something similar happened in a pencil shop.

Spoiler: I don't get it

In Europe, at least, "2B" is a grade of pencil.

 

[jtbell]

Yeah, when I did a Google search for images (cartoons or memes), all the hits were related to pencils. We have #2 pencils here, too.

When I first moved here, 39 years ago, I lived in a college-owned apartment complex, in apartment 2B. While I was living there, I saw a cartoon showing the situation that I described, and taped it on my front door.

Then I hooked up with my wife-to-be, who lived two doors away in apartment 2D. We got married, bought a house, and moved there. We're still there.

I've occasionally tried to find a cartoon like the one that I had on my apartment door, but with no luck.

 

[Borg]

Better than worms in the brain.

Depends on where a person's head is located. Could be both at the same time.

 

[Hornbein]

View attachment 344822​

Arnold said they had no idea that line would iconify. Indeed he argued against it. He wanted to say "I will be back." The script writer told him let me do my job and you do yours.

 

[Borg]

I just had to look that one up. Here he's talking about it on Howard Stern's show. Note: some cursing.

 

[DrGreg]

We have #2 pencils here, too.

Yes, but according to Wikipedia, the U.S. system is different from the European system.

Europe	U.S.	Russia
2B	#0	2М
B	#1	M
HB	#2	TM
H	#3	T
2H	#4	2T

 

[phinds]

 

[Bystander]

View attachment 345167

Cats who do NOT want to move/be moved?

 

[symbolipoint]

What do you call a donkey who kicks others without justification?

Bad Ass

( I was trying to do this with SPOILER tags but I am too confused.)

 

[fresh_42]

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]