Collection of Lame Jokes

[fresh_42]

If you're worried about your microwave collecting data or your TV spying on you ...

Just remember - Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

If you think there is no hope anymore, think of the lobsters in the aquarium of the Titanic.

 

[DennisN]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 362152

See also this old Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal comic

 

[DrGreg]

View attachment 362152

How can we trust driverless cars if they can't recognise traffic lights?

 

[topsquark]

How can we trust driverless cars if they can't recognise traffic lights?

Heck, many human drivers can't recognize traffic lights....

-Dan

 

[fresh_42]

My colleague received a puppy as a gift. Unfortunately, her husband is allergic, so he has to go. He's friendly, his name is Tom, he's 26 years old, and weighs 89 kg. If you're interested, please let me know!

 

[Demystifier]

It is well known that $1+2+3+4+5+\cdots =−\frac{1}{12}$, which contradicts the fact $1+2+3+4+5+\cdots$ is positive. Since contradiction implies anything, it implies that Goldbach conjecture is true. Q.E.D.

 

[BillTre]

 

[fresh_42]

My date wanted to go to the toilet but left through the front door. How stupid can you be?

 

[fresh_42]

British Airways Flight Announcement:
Captain: "Ladies and gentlemen, weather’s clear- just relax and... OH MY GOD!"
[Dead silence]
Captain: "Apologies! A flight attendant just spilled coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
Irish Passenger from the Back:
"FOR THE LUVVA JAYSUS, YOU SHOULD SEE THE BACK O’ MINE!"

 

[BillTre]

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

Dad, did you know that in some countries, a man doesn't know a woman until after the wedding?
That's true in every country, my son, in every one.

 

[berkeman]

 

[Ibix]

No man is an island,
Entire of itself;
And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;
If you're in the bath, 'tis the doorbell for thee.

 

[davenn]

Dad, did you know that in some countries, a man doesn't know a woman until after the wedding?
That's true in every country, my son, in every one.

so very true !!

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

What's the name of that place where people fall asleep during long meetings?

The bored room.

 

[fresh_42]

What's the name of that place where people fall asleep during long meetings?

The bored room.

That would have been different if Scotty had installed the beamer instead of 3M.

 

[BillTre]

 

[topsquark]

View attachment 362209

Not for long, apparently!

-Dan

 

[davenn]

It’s located next to the blinker fluid right past the flux capacitor

 

[Ibix]

It’s located next to the blinker fluid right past the flux capacitor View attachment 362216

View attachment 362215

Just to be aware, it's tricky to get the lids off those jars if you don't prise them off with a left handed screwdriver.

 

[fresh_42]

It’s located next to the blinker fluid right past the flux capacitor View attachment 362216

View attachment 362215

Ours are even calibrated:

I have also seen Flex (our name for abrasive saws) Replacement Sparks,

Anvil Grease,

Carburetor Inner Lightbulbs,

or this one

(Trauben-Nuss (= grapes-nuts) is a famous chocolate filling), Schrauben are screws, Nuss are nuts, our word for sockets.

I have seen a few more which I currently cannot remember.

 

[fresh_42]

Also nice:

 

[davenn]

 

[DaveC426913]

View attachment 362228

This hits hard right now, after playing with my kitten for, like, 5 minutes.

I'm feeling a little light-headed from blood loss.

 

[berkeman]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[phinds]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[BillTre]

 

[jk22]

Lamest joke you know ...

By substitution rule :

If 5+5+5=15, we substitute the symbol 5 by 8 this means
8+8+8=18

 

[fresh_42]

By substitution rule :

If 5+5+5=15, we substitute the symbol 5 by 8 this means
8+8+8=18

Nice idea, but switching symbols for primes and reducible numbers is a number-theoretical nightmare. I suggest 7+7+7=17.

 

[jk22]

Nice idea, but switching symbols for primes and reducible numbers is a number-theoretical nightmare. I suggest 7+7+7=17.

Ìt is supposed that the handicap is deafness while look is predominent, the symbols would come before the explanation of calculation.

 

[fresh_42]

I asked a German girl for her number and I'm still waiting for the rest of the digits.
So far, all I have is "nine"

 

[berkeman]

So far, all I have is "nine"

That took me way too long...

 

[davenn]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jtbell]

Today I learned that fly tipping is not a tiny version of cow tipping.

 

[DennisN]

 

[davenn]

Today I learned that fly tipping is not a tiny version of cow tipping.

well, both those are terms I have never heard of before today

 

[DennisN]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]