The gauge bosons and fermions gets a mass term in the Lagrangian by including the Higgs field (this is HOW they do get mass).
The AMOUNT of mass (the size of the mass term) is determined by the parameter, each fermion and gauge boson has their own coupling constant to the higgs field (loose speaking).
So there is no bizarre paradox, if you know how the Higgs Mechanism works.
The mass term in the Lagrangian for fermion f is:
L_{\text{mass}} -G_f \, \phi_0 (\bar{f}_Lf_R + \bar{f}_Rf_L )
where \phi_0 is the vev (vacuum expectation value) of the higgs field. Without the Higgs field, there is no such term in the Standard Model Lagrangian.
Each fermion has their own parameter G_f, thus the greater the mass of the particle - the bigger the coupling (or vice verse, depending on how you look on it).
But if we put this logically, the correct thing to say is that the greater the coupling - the greater the mass, since the mass results from the interaction. But since we measure the mass (we don't measure the coupling, these are parameters) we often, sloppy, says that the greater the mass - the greater the interaction."But everybody also says that this interaction is proportional to the mass", you have to allow yourself to let go of that statement, "everybody" is a strong statement ;-)
You are in that sense arguing against a straw man, which yourself has built...
The same thing holds for your first post, "Therefore, the Higgs should also
couple to the photon. But every text says that it does not, because it is uncharged. "
First, have you read EVERY text on this? (I don't think so..) Why not instead say which text and where? The Z boson is also uncharged (electrically, but gets mass from the higgs field)