Guilty About Not Allowing Others to Smoke?

[Gabrielle]

My mother and I go shopping every now and then in my car. I don't allow smoking in my car since I'm not a smoker myself. My mother doesn't seem to mind sitting on a bench or a picnic table outside the store in warm weather but winter is another story. I don't like to force her to smoke outside in the winter when the temperatures are below freezing. However, I will agree to let her smoke with the door open while she's actually sitting in the car (turned sideways with her feet on the ground and facing the outside). I can't tell you how guilty I feel making her stand outside while she's shivering from the cold and scarcely able to hold onto her cigarette. I realize how addictive smoking can be. My mother has been smoking since high school so I've kind of given up on her being able to quit although she has tried the nicotine patches in the past. For many years, she has confined her smoking to one room in the house--the kitchen. However, she has restricted her smoking one step further by confining herself to the cellarway as she recently bought some new kitchen curtains and didn't want nicotine film on her perky new curtains. My brother also smokes and when he visits, my mother doesn't smoke while he's there because she doesn't want to ask that he also smoke in the cellarway. I'm worried that smoking in the cellarway will bother my mother's lungs even more as the cellarway is a smaller space and the nicotine smell is very obvious. My sister (a former smoker) can't stand to be around cigarette smoke now and doesn't want anyone to smoke around her young son, Nicholas. When my sister and her son come to visit, my mother used to smoke out on the doorstep for awhile until my sister finally told her, "Mama, go ahead and smoke. After all, it is your house and Nick is usually in the other room watching TV when you're smoking anyway." My mother doesn't smoke nearly as often when she has company anyway because she doesn't want people to know how much she smokes.

I also remember when I gave a co-worker a ride to pick up her car at the garage. It was the first time she had ridden in my car. She had a cigarette halfway to her mouth and she was already to "fire up" her Bic lighter when she asked, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?" I told her that I didn't even allow my own mother to smoke in my car.

Also, my parents bought a new car recently and my mother prefers to ride in their pickup truck because she's been smoking in that vehicle right along. My father thinks that the reason why she'd rather ride in the truck is because she doesn't want to "stink up" the new car although my father hasn't told her that she couldn't smoke in the new car.

 

[Moonbear]

No reason to feel guilty, especially when it's your own car! I don't allow smoking in my car either. Once someone lights up in there, you never get that stink out. When I have parties at my house, I'll put an ashtray out on my back deck and people can smoke outside, that's it. Even when I go to dinner with a group of people, I insist on the nonsmoking section. If they need to smoke, they can go sit at the bar or step outside. Most smokers I'm friends with are courteous enough to realize non-smokers don't want to be exposed to their bad habit and will step away to smoke.

A few relatives are more of a pain in the butt about it. My one step-brother really complained once about not being allowed to smoke in my car when I was already doing him a favor by driving him around when he didn't have his own car, and I told him quite bluntly that if he wanted me to give him a ride, there was no smoking in the car, and if he couldn't go without a cigarette for the duration of the drive, then he could walk. He shut up after that.

 

[JamesU]

to their bad habit and will step away to smoke.

A few relatives are more of a pain in the butt about it. My one step-brother really complained once about not being allowed to smoke in my car when I was already doing him a favor by driving him around when he didn't have his own car, and I told him quite bluntly that if he wanted me to give him a ride, there was no smoking in the car, and if he couldn't go without a cigarette for the duration of the drive, then he could walk. He shut up after that.

I don't know if it was supposed to be, but that's funny!

 

[brewnog]

Don't feel guilty, Gabs.

She's the one who should be feeling guilty! She's the one trying to force her addiction on you, just because she doesn't want to get a bit cold standing around.

 

[honestrosewater]

I don't think you need to feel guilty. Is there a better place for them to smoke? Or a way to stay warm? And would your mother really feel fine about smoking in your car knowing that it bothered you?
I didn't smoke inside when I lived with non-smokers. Even now that I smoke inside, if someone who is bothered by smoke comes over, I'll go outside. I think it's just being respectful. Of course, I live in Florida, so it's usually decent outside. I didn't smoke during the hurricanes last year though (at my brother's apartment- they don't smoke).

 

[Danger]

I'm a smoker, and assume indoors to be a non-smoking area unless told otherwise. Your mother has no need to suffer in the cold anyhow. A couple of quick drags takes a few seconds and is where the nicotine 'rush' comes in.

 

[Gale]

eww... she smoked in the kitchen? that seems like the worst place to smoke. all your food will reak... only thing i can imagine is worse is what my mum does... smokes when ironing. blech... no thanks, i'll iron my own clothes instead of reaking all day. (course I've done my own laundry for years anyways...)

at any rate, smokers shouldn't smoke. making the habit uncomfortable is about all we can do as a society. its actually probably a good thing that you don't let her smoke in your car, and that she doesn't smoke around company. at least that means she's smoking fewer cigarettes than otherwise. you're helping her health, and maybe eventually, this could help her kick the habit.

 

[Huckleberry]

It's just rude to smoke up somebody else's house or car without permission. Even if the smoker owns the house or car it is polite to ask if the person would be bothered by the smoke rather than just subject them to it.

Smoking is a nasty habit. It grows on ya. I'm thinking about a cigarette right now. It takes up so much of my time smoking and thinking about smoking. It destroys my health. It's expensive. It stinks. It labels me as a smoker which some people seem to put on par with lesser species. I have to listen to people telling me to quit, "Hmm, never thought of that before." My own personal image of myself suffers for it. I wonder how it affects the people that I care about now and potentially in the future. Brain goes through a chemical change and the number of dopamine receptors increases which promotes depression (or so I've been told). It seems smoking can certainly give people real enough reason to be depressed. I recently had an aunt who died from cancer. She was a smoker.

Your mother probably thinks many of the same things. She does the things she does to separate her family from her problem. Quitting smoking is one of, if not the, most difficult addiction to break.

 

[honestrosewater]

at any rate, smokers shouldn't smoke. making the habit uncomfortable is about all we can do as a society.

If a person is sane and their smoking doesn't hurt anyone else, I don't think anyone else has grounds to stop them from smoking.

 

[Moonbear]

Your mother probably thinks many of the same things. She does the things she does to separate her family from her problem. Quitting smoking is one of, if not the, most difficult addiction to break.

That's really the biggest thing I got out of it. She knows she has a bad habit and is doing what she can to not make it her family's habit. Especially with a baby around, she's trying to avoid exposing the little one. Probably the best gesture that would prevent guilty feelings would be to say "thanks" when she goes off alone somewhere to smoke to spare the health of those around her. Let her know you appreciate her effort and maybe the little bit of support that gives her will encourage her to cut back more and maybe quit altogether. As Huck points out, it's a real addiction, and a tough one to quit, so supportive family can really help if someone decides to put the hard effort into quitting.

 

[honestrosewater]

Probably the best gesture that would prevent guilty feelings would be to say "thanks" when she goes off alone somewhere to smoke to spare the health of those around her. Let her know you appreciate her effort and maybe the little bit of support that gives her will encourage her to cut back more and maybe quit altogether. As Huck points out, it's a real addiction, and a tough one to quit, so supportive family can really help if someone decides to put the hard effort into quitting.

Oh, yes, I think that's a great suggestion. If she wants to quit, your support would surely be helpful. Even if she doesn't want to quit, letting her know that you appreciate her being considerate would be nice.

 

[Gale]

If a person is sane and their smoking doesn't hurt anyone else, I don't think anyone else has grounds to stop them from smoking.

well, i pretty much agree... 'cept smoking's unhealthy. so, like i said, the only thing we can do is making smoking uncomfortable. we can't make them quit, but we can make it less awesome to not quit. almost everyone i know smokes, my family, and most friends. of course, my friends are teens, and that sucks. the lamest thing ever is hearing kids talk about trying to quit.

 

[Dooga Blackrazor]

I'd tell you not to feel bad if you threw your mother out of the house in a blizzard because smoking isn't a habit that should be accommodated. In actuality, she is poisoning you by smoking around you. I'd try to help her quit again.

 

[honestrosewater]

Right, smoking has serious health risks. But whose decision is it to take or not take those risks? I think it's the person whose health is being risked. If I want to risk getting cancer, that's my decision. If someone wants to lay on the beach without wearing sun block and risk skin cancer, I think that's their decision. If someone wants to handle venomous snakes and risk being bitten, I think that's their decision. Isn't this just a basic part of respecting people's right- or giving them the right- to live their lives how they want?

 

[Huckleberry]

well, i pretty much agree... 'cept smoking's unhealthy. so, like i said, the only thing we can do is making smoking uncomfortable. we can't make them quit, but we can make it less awesome to not quit. almost everyone i know smokes, my family, and most friends. of course, my friends are teens, and that sucks. the lamest thing ever is hearing kids talk about trying to quit.

I don't think making people feel uncomfortable about themselves when they are already overwhelmed is doing anyone any good. Have concern for them. Treat them like normal people. If they decide to quit then support that decision. Be considerate and not derisive. It is this uncomfortable feeling that I was referring to when I wrote about feeling like others consider a smoker a lesser species.

On the same note, do not condone the habit by allowing it in your car or house when you normally wouldn't, especially if there is a child in the house. Demand respect, but give it too.

 

[Gale]

I don't think making people feel uncomfortable about themselves when they are already overwhelmed is doing anyone any good. Have concern for them. Treat them like normal people. If they decide to quit then support that decision. Be considerate and not derisive. It is this uncomfortable feeling that I was referring to when I wrote about feeling like others consider a smoker a lesser species.

On the same note, do not condone the habit by allowing it in your car or house when you normally wouldn't, especially if there is a child in the house. Demand respect, but give it too.

bah, i have a lot of sympathy for smokers, i know so many, i understand that its difficult to quit, and i am very supportive. I'm speaking very generally. smoking just shouldn't be a comfortable thing to do. and its good that it isn't. if we luxury accomodations for smokers, that would be bad. i mean uncomfortable quite literally... as in simply not comfortable.

 

[honestrosewater]

So you think I should start spitting on people that I see walking around outside without wearing sunblock? And people who drive their cars above 40mph? And fly on airplanes without a parachute? And ride on roller coasters?
If you're trying to help someone who wants to quit, I think that's great. But why do you think you have any right to try to make them quit?

 

[Gale]

So you think I should start spitting on people that I see walking around outside without wearing sunblock? And people who drive their cars above 40mph? And fly on airplanes without a parachute? And ride on roller coasters?
If you're trying to help someone who wants to quit, I think that's great. But why do you think you have any right to try to make them quit?

AHHH! sheesh... i quit... obviously I'm not articulate enough today to get my point across...

you're sooo far off from what i was saying though.

 

[chroot]

Well, I have no sympathy for smokers, either. If pay for my car and therefore own the space; it's certainly within my rights to tell other people what they can or can't do there. Same goes for my apartment.

- Warren

 

[Huckleberry]

Making people uncomfortable makes people uncomfortable. Although if I didn't smoke I wouldn't let anyone smoke in my car just because they had a craving. But I do smoke, and I don't light up in other people's cars. No need for making people uncomfortable physically or otherwise. It's just a matter of mutual respect.

 

[honestrosewater]

AHHH! sheesh... i quit... obviously I'm not articulate enough today to get my point across...

you're sooo far off from what i was saying though.

Oh, sorry. You don't have to explain yourself, but if you feel like it, maybe we'll have more luck then.

 

[shimmeringlight]

Personally, i don't think you should feel guilty. You're the one getting second hand smoke!

I, like your sister can't stand cigarette smoke myself...

 

[honestrosewater]

Making people uncomfortable makes people uncomfortable.

That's very true. AHH, where is the ?! I guess I will need to learn the codes.
I'm totally with you on the mutual respect part.

 

[Moonbear]

Making people uncomfortable makes people uncomfortable. Although if I didn't smoke I wouldn't let anyone smoke in my car just because they had a craving. But I do smoke, and I don't light up in other people's cars. No need for making people uncomfortable physically or otherwise. It's just a matter of mutual respect.

Right. I guess it doesn't have to be any different than if I get a craving for potato chips and the person whose car I'm in doesn't like people to eat in their car; I can wait until we get where we're going. As long as they stay away from anyone who doesn't want to be exposed to their smoke, that's all I ask (including standing far enough from doorways of public buildings so that others coming and going don't have to walk through their smoke). I won't tell them what to do in their own house or car. I also take the view that if I'm going to the house of a smoker, it's still their house. I know they smoke, and I can make the choice of not being exposed to it by not visiting them inside their house, and then it's my choice. I generally don't visit the homes of smokers because I do find it an unpleasant environment with the cigarette odor on everything even if they aren't lighting up while I'm there. I'm perfectly happy to meet them someplace else where we can both be comfortable.

 

[hypatia]

Smoking in the car was the hardest thing for me to give up. I didn't think I could drive without smoking, my car smelled so bad.
Anyways, shortly after I quit I sold it and bought a new car..a virgin to smoke! No one smokes in my car... or in my house.
I smoked for over 30 years, and it was a simple chest x-ray,looking at two blacked sacks, where pink tissue use to live, that made me want to quit.
Its a been while now, but I still get cravings everyday.

 

[Adrian Baker]

Smokers suck!



(this is a pun OK?!)

 

[Huckleberry]

Smokers suck!



(this is a pun OK?!)

They blow too.

 

[Evo]

Making people uncomfortable makes people uncomfortable.

This is going in my "favorite quotes" list.

 

[DaveC426913]

... force her to smoke...
...making her stand outside while she's shivering from the cold...

Listen to yourself. You've bought the whole guilt package. You are forcing her to smoke?? You are making her stand outside??

Nuhuh.

 

[Danger]

The whole anti-smokers' lack of civility thing is probably the only reason that I didn't quit 30 years ago. Every time somebody gave me grief about it, it just made me more determined to piss them off. Non-smokers are fine, and even in my own car I'll crack the window if I have one as a passenger. As for my home, the rule is: 'If you don't want to smoke, you have to go outside to not do it.'
By the same token, I can't breathe if there's vinegar anywhere near me. If someone in a restaurant pours it on his food, I'll move to another table instead of asking him not to use it.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

AHHH! sheesh... i quit... obviously I'm not articulate enough today to get my point across...

you're sooo far off from what i was saying though.

Gale I'm sure you're not trying to be a jerk to these people or anything and that you have their best interest in mind. Really though a person should be allowed to smoke and be comfortable doing so. Obvioulsy you shouldn't put yourself out to make them feel comfortable but to actively make someone feel uncomfortable regardless of whether or not they are doing so towards you isn't very nice.
I'm sure that we smokers on here do apreciate your concern for us. Thank you.

 

[Gale]

Gale I'm sure you're not trying to be a jerk to these people or anything and that you have their best interest in mind. Really though a person should be allowed to smoke and be comfortable doing so. Obvioulsy you shouldn't put yourself out to make them feel comfortable but to actively make someone feel uncomfortable regardless of whether or not they are doing so towards you isn't very nice.
I'm sure that we smokers on here do apreciate your concern for us. Thank you.

i'm just going to say i agree... cause i basically do... and like i said before, I'm not articulate enough today to make that apparents it seems...

i don't think i actively make anyone feel uncomfortable... ever... well... unless its playful and funny... but that's different...

 

[Danger]

unless its playful and funny... but that's different...

It's not, really, although I'm sure that you wouldn't do it on purpose. A joke isn't the least bit funny if it comes close to what other people say for real. It would be like teasing someone with a stutter because you don't mean any offense by it.

 

[Gale]

It's not, really, although I'm sure that you wouldn't do it on purpose. A joke isn't the least bit funny if it comes close to what other people say for real. It would be like teasing someone with a stutter because you don't mean any offense by it.

AUGH! that's the last freaking aside I'm going to make... specifically i was thinking about my recent obsession with LeBrad... a completely separate issue... but i should've known that no matter what i meant it'd be misconstrued!

...bah, I've just tried writing out various explanations... but i know its not going to matter... i should've just said nothing before... UGH...

 

[Evo]

Smokers are just mean people Gale, don't let them bother you.

(wonders how many smokers are going to take that seriously and get mean)

 

[Huckleberry]

Smokers are just mean people Gale, don't let them bother you.

(wonders how many smokers are going to take that seriously and get mean)

No, that's about right. Smokers are meanies

Is today everybody pick on Gale day? Let's see, what else can I add? A good thing about smoking is that it will really piss off your parents.
not worth the trade in the long run I think

 

[Danger]

...bah, I've just tried writing out various explanations... but i know its not going to matter... i should've just said nothing before... UGH...

Well now, you just did explain it. The assumption was that you were jokingly pestering people about smoking, which isn't funny. Stalking Brad is.

 

[Moonbear]

Is today everybody pick on Gale day?

It's kind of looking like that. Give Gale a week and we'll make sure the smokers have just had a cigarette, and then you'll all be able to talk like rational people again.

I think all Gale is really saying is she's not feeling sorry for the smokers if nobody is rolling out the red carpet inviting them to smoke. I suspect she's also under the misimpression that if smokers have to stand in the freezing cold for a cigarette, that might give them incentive to quit. That tends to underestimate the nature of addiction. It is because they are so addicted that they will even go stand out in the freezing cold to get that nicotine fix. I don't think I've ever heard anyone say they're tired of having to go stand out in the cold to smoke so they're going to quit. In my experience, people choose to quit either for health reasons or social reasons...often centered specifically around people they love. Sending them out in the cold doesn't make them quit, but telling them you love them and want them to be healthy because you'd really miss them if they died young might help them along the way. (Yeah, that goes for all you smokers here too! We really would like you to stick around and to be healthy.)

 

[Gale]

Smokers are just mean people Gale, don't let them bother you.

(wonders how many smokers are going to take that seriously and get mean)

am i allowed to laugh? or is that too insensitive of me?

Is today everybody pick on Gale day?

you know... i always wanted my own holiday... somehow its not as awesome as i was expecting...

Well now, you just did explain it. The assumption was that you were jokingly pestering people about smoking, which isn't funny. Stalking Brad is.

i meant i was going to explain the initial "uncomfortable" thing... i still stand by what i said, but not what everyone thought i said... and I'm not going to explain what i meant, cause ya...

But i guess your assumption was a bit off eh?

at any rate, Brad's such a hottie... i don't think i could've chosen a better candidate to stalk! god... that smile!

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Sorry Gale.
I just know that there are a lot of people who want to practically make smoking illegal. There have been more than one city that have tried passing laws to make it illegal to smoke in their city. They keep hiking taxes on tobacco. I got the impression that you might be someone who would agree with all these because you think we should quit.
Sorry for the mix up. I don't mean to pick on you at all.

 

[Gale]

Sorry Gale.
I just know that there are a lot of people who want to practically make smoking illegal. There have been more than one city that have tried passing laws to make it illegal to smoke in their city. They keep hiking taxes on tobacco. I got the impression that you might be someone who would agree with all these because you think we should quit.
Sorry for the mix up. I don't mean to pick on you at all.

I live... thank god for chocolate...

at any rate, i understand where you're coming from. it'd suck to get hooked on something, and then suddenly have society start trying to make it illegal... i guess i do agree with anti-tobacco sentiments, but eh... its a tricky issue...

on a slighty separate note... where do the taxes collected off tobacco go to?thats probably a ton of money...
also another question, if smoking were outlawed in some places, or even if the government just keeps upping the costs... what happens to tobacco companies? i mean, not that i really sympathize for them, but it must be running them out of business eh?

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I think that as long as there are people who want to smoke the tobacco companies will be ok, unless ofcourse the government goes nuts with anti-smoking legislation. Appearantly there is a new bill coming up that is atempting to make purchasing tobacco products over the internet illegal.
The numbers I found for people quitting due to price hikes are approximately 4% of adults for every 10% increase in cost. The main thrust for this is that it impacts the number of kids that smoke even more strongly.
Where the money goes? That is up to the people who receive it. They generally say that it goes to kids and education, and that may be true for the majority of it but not all of it. The campeign against a bill that would have reduced the CA tobacco tax didn't even state what the bill was for it just said that it would be taking money away from our children. I was a bit disgusted by that personally.

 

[Moonbear]

On the anti-smoking side, I'm all for preventing people from starting in the first place, though I don't know how to do that when I can't understand why anyone did start in the first place. But once you're addicted, it's too late and you can't just cut off everyone addicted all at once (can you just imagine the riots?! ).

 

[honestrosewater]

Smoking in the car was the hardest thing for me to give up. I didn't think I could drive without smoking, my car smelled so bad.
Anyways, shortly after I quit I sold it and bought a new car..a virgin to smoke! No one smokes in my car... or in my house.
I smoked for over 30 years, and it was a simple chest x-ray,looking at two blacked sacks, where pink tissue use to live, that made me want to quit.
Its a been while now, but I still get cravings everyday.

Congrats! Does thinking of the X-rays help to fight the cravings?

 

[honestrosewater]

I started in middle school. I tried it out of curiosity and thought it was horrible. But I guess I kept smoking because several things made it cool. I did lots of stupid things in middle school.

About making it illegal, what would be the argument? Make it illegal on moral grounds- because people shouldn't do things that are unhealthy. To be fair, you'd have to outlaw alcohol, driving, not following a certain diet, and about a gazillion other things. What other reason? Raising health costs? That's weak, but to be fair, you'd have to outlaw giving birth to children with medical problems and everything else on the other list. More importantly IMO, it's a matter of letting people do what they want to with their own friggin body. You can smoke without infringing on other's rights. So either outlaw smoking or be fair and let people make their own decisions. Did I miss something? Is there a better argument?

 

[BobG]

How can you make your poor mother stand out there, shivering in the freezing cold?!

Actually, that would be a hard decision. The problem is the smoke doesn't really go away after she's done smoking. The smell gets absorbed into the interior of the car. I wouldn't be hard for me to tell someone not to smoke in my car.

I can understand why you'd feel guilty, though. It would be a little harder to watch my poor mom standing out there shivering. I'd probably cave.

Worse yet, I'd probably suggest we turn the heat up full blast and drive with the windows down to air out the car afterward and then she'd just think I was crazy instead of compassionate.

 

[brewnog]

So either outlaw smoking or be fair and let people make their own decisions. Did I miss something? Is there a better argument?

Have you heard of passive smoking?

 

[honestrosewater]

Have you heard of passive smoking?

You mean second-hand smoke- from being around someone when smoking? Sure, but it's easy to prevent. No?

 

[brewnog]

You mean second-hand smoke- from being around someone when smoking? Sure, but it's easy to prevent. No?

Not always, no. I know loads of kids who have suffered 18 years of second-hand smoke as a result of their inconsiderate parents. Babies and youngsters don't have the choice of whether or not they're in a smoky environment. Until recently, the lack of smoking bans on public transport and in public buildings was more than a nuisance, and actually a health risk.

It shouldn't be up to non-smokers to protect themselves from other peoples' fumes; it should be the responsibility of smokers not to inflict their habit on others. I find many smokers to be too arrogant to stand outside a bus-shelter, or to stub out when they walk through a shopping centre, for example.

If I drink beer, the effects on my health bear no relation to someone sitting next to me. You can't compare alcohol to smoking in this way.

 

[honestrosewater]

Eh, when I said "easy", I was thinking theoretically. So practically, "easy" is the wrong word. But I still think it can be done.

Not always, no. I know loads of kids who have suffered 18 years of second-hand smoke as a result of their inconsiderate parents. Babies and youngsters don't have the choice of whether or not they're in a smoky environment. Until recently, the lack of smoking bans on public transport and in public buildings was more than a nuisance, and actually a health risk.

Okay, but this can be and is being fixed.

It shouldn't be up to non-smokers to protect themselves from other peoples' fumes; it should be the responsibility of smokers not to inflict their habit on others. I find many smokers to be too arrogant to stand outside a bus-shelter, or to stub out when they walk through a shopping centre, for example.

Well, agreed. I don't think people should inflict harm on each other.

If I drink beer, the effects on my health bear no relation to someone sitting next to me. You can't compare alcohol to smoking in this way.

I was comparing them on the grounds of the health risks to the user, not to others.
No, beer doesn't affect others in exactly the same way as smoking. But I don't see how this matters, and I don't want to get sidetracked.
Why can harmful concentrations of second-hand smoke not be avoided? I don't know what concentrations are harmful, but standing outside on my porch, the smoke seems to be diluted (or dilute?) quickly. Is being outside not enough?