How Can I Approach a Pretty Girl at My University Despite My Social Anxiety?

[WWGD]

Thanks! Glad you think so.

I second. I mean lisab's comment .

 

[B3NR4Y]

Absolutely everyone on the planet has something extremely precious to offer others, and that is to be a good listener. Women, especially, prize a person who is a good listener. Mostly because they're so rare. There is nothing like the feeling of talking to someone who is paying attention to, and understanding, everything you say.

It's not easy. Some people find it impossible to lay their self-absorbtion aside and open themselves up to what other people are saying. In conversation people mostly sit there squirming waiting for the other to finish so they can relate their own problems and stories. A good listener completely rivets his attention on the speaker and actually listens.

Most people are starved for someone like this, and its something just about anyone is capable of giving to someone else with some effort.

I mention this because it is about the only social skill I have worth mentioning, and it's gotten me some great results making friends with women, (including some extremely attractive women). I'm pretty poor at banter, don't tell jokes too well, can't schmooze, but I am an A+ listener, and girls have opened up to me and told me things that would curl your hair. There's a deep kind of intimacy in that and it makes me feel socially connected.

I'm a great listener but now I am getting mixed messages. Pursue it or realize I'm not good enough? The easiest thing to do would be what I've done my whole life, forget about it and focus even harder on my studies. The hardest, but most satisfying, thing to do would be to at least try.

I wish there was a formula to go about these types of things- how can someone so good at maths be so bad at interacting with fellow humans? Most humans find socializing easiest and math hardest, why am I different?

And as I type this I'm in the bookstore across from her and the best thing in the world has transpired. She has a french textbook- my native tongue.

 

[BHL 20]

I don't usually give relationship advice but because I can relate to a lot of what you said I decided to chip in. First of all these two look like warning signs to me:

Homework Equations

me + pretty girl = happiness
me-pretty girl = jelly

I just got to the library from the bookstore and she was there, this time though she held the door for me and smiled. We're going to get married.

The right attitude to have when approaching a girl who you want as a potential love interest is "I want her, but I don't need her". Otherwise, you will put way too much pressure on both yourself and the girl. To make this more concrete, asking a girl on a date should be the same as asking a friend to do something with you. If you had the idea of going somewhere to have lunch with a guy friend, I'm sure that at most it would just be annoying if he said no, it would not be embarrassing or seem like a disaster. It would be casual. Why? Because you don't feel you need him to be happy, even though the opportunity to socialise would have been nice.

So it seems to me socialising is a lot like doing math problems, do enough and it becomes easy. I certainly wouldn't want my first math problem I ever see to be a partial differential equation, which talking to this girl is, so in the two days until my birthday I will just say "hi" to everyone I can, and try to be friendly.

This I agree with. And although this may be very controversial, I think the people who say "just go for it" are giving bad advice. If you had seen very few math problems in you life, what would be the probability of you figuring out how to solve a PDE first time round, even if you were talented? Similarly, if you don't in general talk to girls, attracting a girl first time you try, which is much harder than befriending one, is highly improbable. I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to her, but you should see this only as learning exercise: if you approach her there is 99% probability she won't become your girlfriend.

I'm sorry for being pessimistic, I'm usually good at overestimating chances of success, but the overestimation here will probably lead to disappointment, unless you can mitigate your attraction to this girl, first.

 

[B3NR4Y]

I don't usually give relationship advice but because I can relate to a lot of what you said I decided to chip in. First of all these two look like warning signs to me:





The right attitude to have when approaching a girl who you want as a potential love interest is "I want her, but I don't need her". Otherwise, you will put way too much pressure on both yourself and the girl. To make this more concrete, asking a girl on a date should be the same as asking a friend to do something with you. If you had the idea of going somewhere to have lunch with a guy friend, I'm sure that at most it would just be annoying if he said no, it would not be embarrassing or seem like a disaster. It would be casual. Why? Because you don't feel you need him to be happy, even though the opportunity to socialise would have been nice.



This I agree with. And although this may be very controversial, I think the people who say "just go for it" are giving bad advice. If you had seen very few math problems in you life, what would be the probability of you figuring out how to solve a PDE first time round, even if you were talented? Similarly, if you don't in general talk to girls, attracting a girl first time you try, which is much harder than befriending one, is highly improbable. I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to her, but you should see this only as learning exercise: if you approach her there is 99% probability she won't become your girlfriend.

I'm sorry for being pessimistic, I'm usually good at overestimating chances of success, but the overestimation here will probably lead to disappointment, unless you can mitigate your attraction to this girl, first.

I agree, I shouldn't have expectations too high, though I should clarify when I said

We're going to get married

I was trying my hand at humor :P

I don't value relationships this early in my life as anything but tests, which is why I neglected to get a girlfriend in high school despite how easy it would have been (apparently where I'm from being lanky, liking math, and having a somewhat average face is attractive).

 

[BHL 20]

I was trying my hand at humor :P

Alright my bad. lol :-D

 

[Travis_King]

You need to practice talking to people. I know very little about Asperger's, but I know a few folks with an ASD, and though I understand that they rarely feel comfortable or easy talking with new people, practice has helped a whole lot and they've learned to internalize that awkwardness and get through that initial encounter.

Talk to people, males, females, older people, everyone with whom you can strike up a conversation. You are almost certainly going to hate it at first, but there's no way else to get better at it.

Even if you just start with light small-talk in elevators, or coffee-shop lines. You have to start somewhere. As you practice, increase the length of the conversations and the depth of the questions, get to know people; probably on a superficial level at first, but moving toward actually learning unique information about people you've just met.

Sometimes you'll flounder, but that's ok. Keep working at it and you'll eventually learn that it's not as scary and awkward as you might think.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I'm a great listener but now I am getting mixed messages. Pursue it or realize I'm not good enough?

Maybe you're not such a great listener. I wasn't advising you to pursue her. I was advising you to increase your connection to people in general by becoming a good listener. It's what you, or anyone, has to offer others. It's also the key to getting some traction on social interaction.

 

[B3NR4Y]

Maybe you're not such a great listener. I wasn't advising you to pursue her. I was advising you to increase your connection to people in general by becoming a good listener. It's what you, or anyone, has to offer others. It's also the key to getting some traction on social interaction.

As I've learned recently, remaining quiet does not a good listener make. Though I think I may have found something to offer her, if she is learning french speaking to me may help, I know when I was learning english I desperately needed a native speaker to communicate and correct me.

Then again, I could just be finding excuses to not give up, I don't know much about my psychology. I saw her ride past on a bike today and said hello and she almost fell over saying hi back so I feel she may not like me now. I chose a bad time to say hi.

 

[zoobyshoe]

As I've learned recently, remaining quiet does not a good listener make.

That's a good insight. There's much more to it than that.

Though I think I may have found something to offer her, if she is learning french speaking to me may help, I know when I was learning english I desperately needed a native speaker to communicate and correct me.

In other words your offer to her is: "If I help you with your French, will you fall in love with me?"

(Come to think of it, that might be a a great line.)

Then again, I could just be finding excuses to not give up, I don't know much about my psychology. I saw her ride past on a bike today and said hello and she almost fell over saying hi back so I feel she may not like me now. I chose a bad time to say hi.

Yeah, see, what I hear you relating is that you were so eager to overcome your block you blurted out your greeting completely disregarding the situation she was in, oblivious to whether or not she was in a position to properly process what was going on. Not listening.

 

[WWGD]

Tell her: you are my girlfriend, you just don't know it yet.

 

[Vanadium 50]

Tell her: you are my girlfriend, you just don't know it yet.

I think many women would find that creepy.

 

[BHL 20]

As I've learned recently, remaining quiet does not a good listener make.

Yes, in my opinion the hardest thing about being a listener is actually getting the other person to start talking. Just "getting interested" isn't enough most of the time. From my experience, one must also demonstrate a kind of emotional strength, i.e. the ability to deal with anything they may tell you.

Though I think I may have found something to offer her, if she is learning french speaking to me may help, I know when I was learning english I desperately needed a native speaker to communicate and correct me.

Then again, I could just be finding excuses to not give up, I don't know much about my psychology. I saw her ride past on a bike today and said hello and she almost fell over saying hi back so I feel she may not like me now. I chose a bad time to say hi.

She's not going to dislike you if you go and apologise to her, especially if you do it in French. I actually think this incident may have created a good opportunity for you to break the ice.

 

[B3NR4Y]

Tell her: you are my girlfriend, you just don't know it yet.

Will post the results if they exceed 10 standard deviations from the norm.

I think many women would find that creepy.

Improbable.

In other words your offer to her is: "If I help you with your French, will you fall in love with me?"

(Come to think of it, that might be a a great line.)

I have to say it in French though, right?

Yeah, see, what I hear you relating is that you were so eager to overcome your block you blurted out your greeting completely disregarding the situation she was in, oblivious to whether or not she was in a position to properly process what was going on. Not listening.

I will apologize for it tomorrow then leave it at that. That way my criterion has been filled, I spoke with her on my birthday and if anything comes of it I'll be happy, but I don't expect anything to come of it so when nothing does come of it I am still happy.

 

[Travis_King]

Don't just say sorry and walk away. She didn't flip over her handlebars and break her wrist or anything. Just say a quick "sorry about that", chuckle if it comes naturally, and move into a normal conversation about, "Hi, I'm B3NR4Y, blah blah bla"

and if anything comes of it I'll be happy

This part makes me think you think she'll make a move or ask you to date her after a brief conversation...

Don't talk to her as your potential girlfriend, talk to her as a person. You don't even know if you'll find her interesting as a person yet... Have a quick chat, if you feel confident that she's interested in continuing that conversation at some point in the future (note, not if you think she's interested in being your boyfriend) then ask her to grab some coffee or a meal some time. If not, tell her it was nice meeting her and you look forward to talking again.

At this point, she's just a person that you don't know; she's not a potential girlfriend yet; don't get stressed about that part before you even know if she's interesting to you.

 

[B3NR4Y]

Don't just say sorry and walk away. She didn't flip over her handlebars and break her wrist or anything. Just say a quick "sorry about that", chuckle if it comes naturally, and move into a normal conversation about, "Hi, I'm B3NR4Y, blah blah bla"



This part makes me think you think she'll make a move or ask you to date her after a brief conversation...

Don't talk to her as your potential girlfriend, talk to her as a person. You don't even know if you'll find her interesting as a person yet... Have a quick chat, if you feel confident that she's interested in continuing that conversation at some point in the future (note, not if you think she's interested in being your boyfriend) then ask her to grab some coffee or a meal some time. If not, tell her it was nice meeting her and you look forward to talking again.

At this point, she's just a person that you don't know; she's not a potential girlfriend yet; don't get stressed about that part before you even know if she's interesting to you.

My wording on that is really bad, I realize. What I intended to express was "if she shows interest I will continue to speak with her, but I don't expect her to".

 

[WWGD]

Will post the results if they exceed 10 standard deviations from the norm.

Hopefully positive deviations.

 

[nuuskur]

When she nearly fell over on her bicycle, you could have gone to her and apologized for it, you didn't mean for any of that to happen and as Travis_King so eloquently said: and bla bla bla :D

Do not assume anything. It's very easy to be pessimistic and mistake it for "just being realistic about it and... bla bla bla", all sorts of demons slipping into mind, especially with women.

We have a saying in this country:(paraphrasing) It's already awful with women, but it's so much worse without them.
It IS a mine field, don't even get the illusion you will walk through safely. Once you are through, there will be more fields ahead. Just don't step on the same mines.

I keep coming back to my original point - in essence, you cannot reason it all out in your head. You are afraid, I understand that, but your goal is to dump the fear.

One more thing, be honest about what you "try to express". You want to find out where you stand, lying a.k.a "distorting the truth" will not help you. In fact, do not "try to express", you and her are neither deaf nor mutes, speak your mind, for the love of God (pardon me for takin His name in vain) :< Women appreciate honesty. She's not illiterate either, she can see that you get nervous.

You want to share with people and people to share with you, stop regarding this as some sort of scientific "Psychology 1o1", Please! :/

 

[B3NR4Y]

Well I didn't heed the warnings here and I think I may have been better for it. I just went headfirst and decided if she was creeped out or seemed disgusted I would spend every morning for the rest of the semester at McDonald's instead of the bookstore, but that didn't happen.

Last night I couldn't sleep, so I got a sheet of paper and wrote down what I was going to say, it read:

"Hello, my name is Ben my major is physics what's yours?" (pause to let her answer). "Oh, cool I hear there are many lucrative careers in that field, I am sorry for saying hi to you yesterday and making you almost wreck, I am attempting to overcome a social fear I have" (pause to let her either be disgusted or to laugh) "Well, as you may know I come here quite a bit, and when you began coming here I was attracted to you based solely on looks, at first, which is very superficial, I know. But then I noticed the way you dressed indicated you have similar social views as me and the books you carry, the music you listen to- all similar to me. So I set a deadline for myself, on my birthday- today- I would greet you, hopefully not on a bike" (pause and smile) "Sorry if I creep you out but, you're very interesting and I see you are studying French, J'ai grandi dans les régions francophones de Belgique, je peux vous aider avec ça."

I tucked the paper in my backpack and went to the bookstore this morning. Where I waited. She arrived and I approached her, took out the paper and discreetly (or so I thought) read it off to her, but I started with an "excuse me, I don't mean to bother you, but ..." because she had headphones in (see I am a good listener!). When I was done with my spiel she was smiling, so I took it as a good sign and when I turned to walk away she said "What you're just going to leave it at that?". I didn't know what she meant by this so I said "what?" and she laughed, she said "You wrote that paper out, nice touch I like it". Apparently she thought the paper was a joke and I have a dry sense of humor. I clarified it was not and she sympathized, she explained she is from out of state and doesn't know very many people here, and then she said "happy birthday". I smiled like the idiot I am instead of saying "thank you". She invited me to sit down, and I did. I told her that tomorrow the physics department is having a Neutron Stars presentation at the observatory and I was going there for my birthday if she wanted to come. She asked who was going and I said just me, she said that "she'd love to" and suddenly I felt on cloud9. I didn't know how to ask for her phone number, luckily I didn't have to because she asked for mine and said it's so she knows how to get there.

I really couldn't be happier. I wish I could have stayed at the bookstore longer, because she stays there until 10, but I have classes to attend. Tomorrow I can stay there longer, and even if she isn't my girlfriend she's a friend and that's all I really wanted. I feel like I can lift the Earth right now, this feeling is incomparable.

Something weird as hell is going on, it's like high school where apparently being the most awkward person in the world is cute.

(I paraphrased a lot of the conversation because she used slang and colloquialisms and I do not like to type either of those)

 

[BHL 20]

"Hello, my name is Ben my major is physics what's yours?" (pause to let her answer). "Oh, cool I hear there are many lucrative careers in that field, I am sorry for saying hi to you yesterday and making you almost wreck, I am attempting to overcome a social fear I have" (pause to let her either be disgusted or to laugh) "Well, as you may know I come here quite a bit, and when you began coming here I was attracted to you based solely on looks, at first, which is very superficial, I know. But then I noticed the way you dressed indicated you have similar social views as me and the books you carry, the music you listen to- all similar to me. So I set a deadline for myself, on my birthday- today- I would greet you, hopefully not on a bike" (pause and smile) "Sorry if I creep you out but, you're very interesting and I see you are studying French, J'ai grandi dans les régions francophones de Belgique, je peux vous aider avec ça."

B3NR4Y, wow, after everything I said yesterday you came out and proved me wrong. Man you have some bloody balls going up and complimenting her and admitting to your fear. You have my respect!

 

[B3NR4Y]

B3NR4Y, wow, after everything I said yesterday you came out and proved me wrong. Man you have some bloody balls going up and complimenting her and admitting to your fear. You have my respect!

I take no credit, I went to my dad with it and he said girls value honesty over everything.

 

[DataGG]

I have not read the whole thread yet (just the first page) but there's basically 2 rules to be successful with girls (which is what you want):

Rule 1: Be attractive
Rule 2: Don't be unattractiveThere is, however, a secret that'll avoid the need of attractiveness.. MONEY! So ya, if you're rich, you don't need to be atractive.

So, if you're rich and/or attractive, just go talk to her and I'm sure she'll be more than happy to talk back at you.

EDIT: I've read mostly read the thread and wow. This is one of my favorites threads of this kind, ever. I fill in OP's shoes so easily that OP could be me. I'll be sure to save this thread and re-read it every week as it has really good advises..

 

[DataGG]

I saw her ride past on a bike today and said hello and she almost fell over saying hi back so I feel she may not like me now. I chose a bad time to say hi.

While in disagreement with others, I think this was a wonderful advance to your goal! It would have been better if she actually fell though! Could you pay someone to push her over and you go then be the hero?

Yeah, see, what I hear you relating is that you were so eager to overcome your block you blurted out your greeting completely disregarding the situation she was in, oblivious to whether or not she was in a position to properly process what was going on. Not listening.

I disagree with you on this. I'm an absolute disaster when it comes to relations though, more so than OP. I think what he did is something not easily forgotten.

After a normal "hi", she would have thought "oh, nice, a guy said hi to me.." After OP's "hi" she was like "Oh, I almost fell over! And that guy said "hi" to me, nice... Damn, I almost fell over, need to be more careful". This to say that OP's "hi" is more easily remembered and I think that's good. She'll probably think of that before falling asleep.

Well I didn't heed the warnings here and I think I may have been better for it. I just went headfirst and decided if she was creeped out or seemed disgusted I would spend every morning for the rest of the semester at McDonald's instead of the bookstore, but that didn't happen.

Last night I couldn't sleep, so I got a sheet of paper and wrote down what I was going to say, it read:

"Hello, my name is Ben my major is physics what's yours?" (pause to let her answer). "Oh, cool I hear there are many lucrative careers in that field, I am sorry for saying hi to you yesterday and making you almost wreck, I am attempting to overcome a social fear I have" (pause to let her either be disgusted or to laugh) "Well, as you may know I come here quite a bit, and when you began coming here I was attracted to you based solely on looks, at first, which is very superficial, I know. But then I noticed the way you dressed indicated you have similar social views as me and the books you carry, the music you listen to- all similar to me. So I set a deadline for myself, on my birthday- today- I would greet you, hopefully not on a bike" (pause and smile) "Sorry if I creep you out but, you're very interesting and I see you are studying French, J'ai grandi dans les régions francophones de Belgique, je peux vous aider avec ça."

I tucked the paper in my backpack and went to the bookstore this morning. Where I waited. She arrived and I approached her, took out the paper and discreetly (or so I thought) read it off to her, but I started with an "excuse me, I don't mean to bother you, but ..." because she had headphones in (see I am a good listener!). When I was done with my spiel she was smiling, so I took it as a good sign and when I turned to walk away she said "What you're just going to leave it at that?". I didn't know what she meant by this so I said "what?" and she laughed, she said "You wrote that paper out, nice touch I like it". Apparently she thought the paper was a joke and I have a dry sense of humor. I clarified it was not and she sympathized, she explained she is from out of state and doesn't know very many people here, and then she said "happy birthday". I smiled like the idiot I am instead of saying "thank you". She invited me to sit down, and I did. I told her that tomorrow the physics department is having a Neutron Stars presentation at the observatory and I was going there for my birthday if she wanted to come. She asked who was going and I said just me, she said that "she'd love to" and suddenly I felt on cloud9. I didn't know how to ask for her phone number, luckily I didn't have to because she asked for mine and said it's so she knows how to get there.

I really couldn't be happier. I wish I could have stayed at the bookstore longer, because she stays there until 10, but I have classes to attend. Tomorrow I can stay there longer, and even if she isn't my girlfriend she's a friend and that's all I really wanted. I feel like I can lift the Earth right now, this feeling is incomparable.

Something weird as hell is going on, it's like high school where apparently being the most awkward person in the world is cute.

(I paraphrased a lot of the conversation because she used slang and colloquialisms and I do not like to type either of those)

You're my hero! Please keep updating this post, I'm getting ideas from here.

 

[B3NR4Y]

While in disagreement with others, I think this was a wonderful advance to your goal! It would have been better if she actually fell though! Could you pay someone to push her over and you go then be the hero?




I disagree with you on this. I'm an absolute disaster when it comes to relations though, more so than OP. I think what he did is something not easily forgotten.

After a normal "hi", she would have thought "oh, nice, a guy said hi to me.." After OP's "hi" she was like "Oh, I almost fell over! And that guy said "hi" to me, nice... Damn, I almost fell over, need to be more careful". This to say that OP's "hi" is more easily remembered and I think that's good. She'll probably think of that before falling asleep.



You're my hero! Please keep updating this post, I'm getting ideas from here.

If the thread is still alive tomorrow I'll definitely update with what the three hours with her contained.

 

[nuuskur]

Right on man! This is exactly the attitude. Keep us posted, I think you had a revelation.

and even if she isn't my girlfriend she's a friend and that's all I really wanted

this kind of attitude is worth gold for you. No, it's priceless. Friendship is a base, it could be you two get closer to one another, but it also may not. When you make friends with her, it's all gravy!

If I could hi five you, I would. That's some serious backbone you just got. Respect

and he said girls value honesty

what did I say ? :)

 

[zoobyshoe]

Something weird as hell is going on, it's like high school where apparently being the most awkward person in the world is cute.

Indeed, it looks like somehow you ended up entertaining her so much your awkwardness worked in your favor. The piece of paper with the script on it must have struck her as remarkably cute!

Amazing story, and congratulations!

 

[B3NR4Y]

Right on man! This is exactly the attitude. Keep us posted, I think you had a revelation.

and even if she isn't my girlfriend she's a friend and that's all I really wanted

this kind of attitude is worth gold for you. No, it's priceless. Friendship is a base, it could be you two get closer to one another, but it also may not. When you make friends with her, it's all gravy!

If I could hi five you, I would. That's some serious backbone you just got. Respect

and he said girls value honesty

what did I say ? :)

Oh jeez, thursdays are my long days so I'm at school from 5:00 to 19:00 and I have a huge break from 11:30 to 15:00 so I'm just on campus and she texts me "hey bud"

So I reply at 90% the speed of light (had to throw that in, we're on the physics forums) "hey pal, what's up?"

And she said she just got done with her last class, do I want to come over (if I have time) so we can get to know each other better.


Now I haven't replied yet, but I don't know how comfortable I am going to her house/dorm/apartment when I only talked to her today. She doesn't seem like a murderer (murderess?), but my sister said that was almost definitely a "booty call" (typing slang because I don't know what else to call it) and I'm like 100% a virgin, never kissed a girl and masturbated once but felt like **** afterwards so never again.

I am rather shocked at the attention she is giving me too, I will post a picture of me so you guys can share the shock. What if it's like the movies where she invites me over to humiliate me.

Edit: me, please be nice http://i.imgur.com/kyec2Hr.jpg

 

[B3NR4Y]

Indeed, it looks like somehow you ended up entertaining her so much your awkwardness worked in your favor. The piece of paper with the script on it must have struck her as remarkably cute!

Amazing story, and congratulations!

I swear the paper was hidden, she must have x-ray vision

 

[nuuskur]

This is where you have nothing to lose and much to gain. Don't focus on the negative. Just go, pay her a visit, have a chat. I told you before, she's not illiterate. Just.. just go already! :! Looks is..looks, you look the way you look. She knows how you look already and she still invited you over. You think she cares about the looks? How do you even know there isn't anything attractive about you in her eyes? She. Invited. YOU. Over.

please just go :<

 

[DataGG]

From what I can see in the picture (potato quality), you're actually good looking OP.

If you do decide to go, use protection.

 

[CWatters]

Clean your shoes no smelly trainers and wear a nice shirt.