Is Premarital Sex Worth the Risks? A 20-Year-Old's Perspective

[Physics_wiz]

I'm really looking hard for one good reason not to do it. Does one exist?

BTW, I'm 20.

 

[Hawknc]

Fear of God's the most common one, but that requires a belief in said God. IMO, you should do it if you want to - as long as you know the risks involved and are willing to deal with the consequences.

 

[FredGarvin]

I'm really looking hard for one good reason not to do it. Does one exist?

BTW, I'm 20.

I'm not a prude, but getting her pregnant.

 

[Kurdt]

There are many successful ways of avoiding pregnancy. I think its up to you personally if you have no problem with it then fine if you do then fair enough. Personally there shouldn't really have to be a reason to justify it you are either comfortable with it or you are not. Perhaps the need to justify it tells you all you need to know?

 

[FrogPad]

I'm really looking hard for one good reason not to do it. Does one exist?

Does one exist?


nope

 

[NoTime]

I'm really looking hard for one good reason not to do it. Does one exist?

BTW, I'm 20.

Is it "Premarital Sex" if you have no intention of getting married?

 

[Moonbear]

I'm not a prude, but getting her pregnant.

I was going to say fear of her father finding out, but that's usually the other big one. There's always a risk of pregnancy no matter how careful you are, so you and your partner should both discuss that risk in advance and decide how you would deal with it if it happened, and IF you're prepared to deal with it. For example, if you're opposed to abortion, and feel you're too young to have a baby (want to finish your university education first, perhaps), then it's best to wait. On the other hand, if you're at a point in your life where you're not really planning on having kids yet, but should one come along, you'd welcome it and figure out a way to raise it, then just be careful.

Spreading STDs is another reason to be careful. Since you're asking the question, I'm assuming you do not have previous partners, but if your girlfriend has had other partners, then it's a worthwhile precaution to ask her to get tested for STDs to make sure she didn't pick up any from a previous partner before you do anything.

The most important thing is that you discuss everything with your partner before jumping into bed together. It sounds unromantic, and to some extent, that's true, but if you're not able to talk about these things before your first time having sex, then it's better to wait until you can, because the biggest mistake would be waiting until AFTER you find out she's pregnant to talk about what you're going to do about it, or discovering you caught an STD because you didn't talk about it beforehand. Then again, there are people who are married who are not ready for having kids and don't have the level of relationship where they can discuss these things either. Unless you have a particular cultural or religious view that says otherwise, there's nothing magical about marriage that makes one more responsible than an unmarried couple to make these types of decisions.

Regardless of whether you're married or not, be sure you're really ready for all the possible consequences, no matter how unlikely, and how careful you are. The other thing is that it IS going to change the level of your relationship. For most people, that's a good thing, and what they want, but again, be sure of that first. Once you've done it, there's no turning back and undoing it, so make sure neither of you is going to regret it or feel guilty over it later.

Of course, there's one big question I have...why are you looking for a reason not to do it? If you need to find a reason not to do it, that by itself is a good reason.

So, that's my motherly advice for the day.

 

[JasonRox]

I think the most important thing is to do it respectfully and truthfully.

Don't pretend to be someone you're not for a one night stand. Respect yourself and the person you are sleeping with. Do not mislead anyone.

Also, trust the girl you would want to sleep with. This is important, especially with the risk of STD's. This is why I think one night stands are a no go. I've done it before, but with someone I knew very well so I trusted her in that sense. Yes, it does change things! If it's a girl you met for the first time, you certainly can't trust her yet. Trust must be earned.

Anyways, I'm not into religion for answers so the concept of pre-marital sex kind of doesn't make sense. I think it's best to find answers rationally within yourself with good intentions. The definition of good must be answered on your own as well.

I wouldn't put pregnancy as a big risk factor nor STD's because if you trust the girl and know her you will know whether or not she has STD's or has had lots of partners (word gets around) and whether or not she uses the birth control pill. After knowing this, you can make a better educated guess.

I personally don't find sex to be as big as people make it out to be. It's a natural thing. The only thing is that you must not allow it to control your decisions and what not. Enjoy it as often as you want if you'd like.

 

[Pengwuino]

Babies...



I guess you can say its a lot easier to talk to your wife about checking for stds and what would happen if you got pregnant.

And are you ready to support a child (and if you think she will stick to her word if she says she'd have an abortion, don't count on it because people can sometimes change their mind)?

 

[MeJennifer]

I'm really looking hard for one good reason not to do it. Does one exist?

BTW, I'm 20.

As was already said, there is always a chance of pregnancy unless one of you is infertile.
It ranges from the "don't worry we know what to do in the heat of the moment" to "it was just an accident with the condom, or she forgot the pill".

Anyway the point is that the consequences can be life altering.

 

[Pengwuino]

Anyway the point is that the consequences can be life altering.

If you have any dignity that is...

 

[JasonRox]

Babies...



I guess you can say its a lot easier to talk to your wife about checking for stds and what would happen if you got pregnant.

And are you ready to support a child (and if you think she will stick to her word if she says she'd have an abortion, don't count on it because people can sometimes change their mind)?

Don't let the fear of pregnancy scare you from having sex. That just makes no sense at all.

That's like having your parents not letting you go on a plane because they aren't prepared to lose you in case of an accident.

Don't focus on the 0.1%. Live life.

 

[Pengwuino]

Don't let the fear of pregnancy scare you from having sex. That just makes no sense at all.

That's like having your parents not letting you go on a plane because they aren't prepared to lose you in case of an accident.

Don't focus on the 0.1%. Live life.

Where did i say i was scared about the 0.1%? I think he was looking for reasons against it, not an argument about whether or not to do it.

 

[JasonRox]

And are you ready to support a child (and if you think she will stick to her word if she says she'd have an abortion, don't count on it because people can sometimes change their mind)?

Right there.

Does your mom ask you, before going on a plane, "are you ready to die"?

 

[Pengwuino]

Right there.

Does your mom ask you, before going on a plane, "are you ready to die"?

No but if you're smart, you always realize the consequences one might face when doing something.

He asked what the reasons are not to, i gave him a reason, i don't know what you're going on about.

 

[Danger]

that's my motherly advice for the day.

Will you be my mommy too? :shy:

Of course, you won't be able to wean me with a crowbar...

 

[JasonRox]

No but if you're smart, you always realize the consequences one might face when doing something.

He asked what the reasons are not to, i gave him a reason, i don't know what you're going on about.

That's not a reason not to though.

If people came up with reasons like that for everything, they wouldn't do anything.

Can I go bike riding? ... Are you ready to break you arm?

Can I go play hockey? ... Are you ready to break a leg?

Can I go to Florida? ... Are you ready to die?

Can I walk to Mike's house? ... Are you ready to get crushed by a car?

See where I'm getting at?

It seems like when it comes to sex people get paranoid, but not about other things even though the risks are probably higher.

Do it safely and that's all you can do. If you aren't ready to do it, then don't do it. Don't let fear haunt your decisions because later you will regret it.

 

[Pengwuino]

I think its a lot easier for guys to be so gung ho about having sex... women can't really run out of having a baby and I've never seen a woman who didn't have some lasting emotional problems after having an abortion.

And Jason, i have a feeling you need to look up the definition of "reason". Being a reason against doing something doesn't mean it has to be only reason. You just need to realize its a longshot. I have a feeling the OP doesn't have a problem with balancing pro's and con's.

If someone asks "Why should i take an airplane to Florida instead of taking a train?", a reason might be "the plane might crash". Does this explicitely mean that you're airplane is going to crash? No, unless you have some serious problems weighing options in your own mind.

 

[JasonRox]

I think its a lot easier for guys to be so gung ho about having sex... women can't really run out of having a baby and I've never seen a woman who didn't have some lasting emotional problems after having an abortion.

It's funny you say that when it's usually the girls who want sex more.

Don't get me wrong. Guys want sex, but girls want it more. They just control it better than guys do. That's what I find.

 

[desA]

I'm really looking hard for one good reason not to do it. Does one exist?

BTW, I'm 20.

The biggest issue is whether you're ready for committment. If the lady in question is offering herself, you need to question what she wants in return. Most often this is the pre-nuptial service which will hook into your heart.

I did what you are looking to do at your precise age... married young & regretted it for 20 years...

Be careful & wise. Better to look for a good-time-girl if you need to sow wild oats - with no committment...

desA

 

[Pengwuino]

It's funny you say that when it's usually the girls who want sex more.

Don't get me wrong. Guys want sex, but girls want it more. They just control it better than guys do. That's what I find.

I'd agree but cyrus might pounce on me if i do.

But wait, how would you know they wanted sex if htey controlled their urges more? Psychic!

 

[Danger]

I'm really looking hard for one good reason not to do it. Does one exist?

BTW, I'm 20.

As Moonbear pointed out, you don't need a reason to not do it. If you don't want to, that's reason enough. It's rare these days to see a guy thinking with his big head. You obviously aren't ready to make a commitment of that sort, and there's a good chance that she isn't really ready either. As my grandmother used to say, "when in doubt, don't". If it's your male friends that you feel the need to impress, just tell them that you caught a dose and don't want to spread it around.

 

[Pengwuino]

As Moonbear pointed out, you don't need a reason to not do it. If you don't want to, that's reason enough. It's rare these days to see a guy thinking with his big head. You obviously aren't ready to make a commitment of that sort, and there's a good chance that she isn't really ready either. As my grandmother used to say, "when in doubt, don't". If it's your male friends that you feel the need to impress, just tell them that you caught a dose and don't want to spread it around.

caught a dose?

I say if the girl wants to and you want to, go for it.

Doing anything simply because of peer pressure is stupid though.

 

[Mickey]

I've got a reason why you shouldn't have premarital sex:

You'll fall in love.

If you stay close to your sexual partner after coitus and snuggle (which you will do unless you want to take the very good chance of becoming a total jerk) both of your brains will release a chemical that will create an emotional bond. The more you do it, the more you will reinforce this bond, and the worse it will be when you finally break up (or whenever it is you realize that the reason you two had sex in the first place was mainly because you were physically attracted to one another and not because you were in eternal unconditional romantic love, because then you'd have both been able to wait for marriage).

Well, you asked for a reason!

 

[Danger]

I say if the girl wants to and you want to, go for it.

That's my approach too... at least until I moved in with 'W'--she frowns upon that sort of thing . (I mean me with other women, not her and me.) Anyhow, your perspective changes after 30 years or so. I was careful as a youngster, because there was no way that I could commit. Note that I said careful, not celibate.

 

[Moonbear]

That's not a reason not to though.

For some people it is. Some might prefer an activity where the risk is death or dismemberment over being saddled with a child for the rest of their life. Everyone has to decide what type and level of risk is acceptable for themselves. For that matter, birth control is also not without risk. She may not be willing to risk the side effects of hormone-based birth control methods, so to reduce that risk, it would be balanced with an increased risk of pregnancy from the remaining methods available. But, again, this is why it all needs to be discussed and determined that their goals and acceptable risk levels are compatible (the same discussion should be had if you're planning to get married too...if she wants to avoid hormone-based birth control, and he wants to spend another 5 years building their careers before starting families, there's a good chance that one of them isn't going to get their wish, and they better make sure they can sort that sort of problem out before tying the knot).

 

[Pengwuino]

Why is it that there's sooooooooooo many single mothers anyhow if these protective agents are 99.99% effective and all that good stuff. Either this world seems to be full of sluts and the odds just aren't in their favor ... or remembering to use protection isn't as easy as people make it out to be.

 

[triden]

I once heard this reason from a grade 12 girl (not said to me explicitly)

"You're dating your mate and its your 6 month. You give him candies, a card, or a small present. It becomes your one Year. You buy him a nice watch or something a little more expensive. He becomes your fiance, you give him a ring. You love him to death and end up getting married. You get married and give him your body, because ultimately that is the best gift you can give him. If you give that to him when you are dating, what more do you have to give when you are married? That is why I am going to save that for last."

It's a good thought on the idea of premarital sex.

 

[Mickey]

Here's another reason, if you happen to live in Iran.

(Sigh... we've really got to do something about that).

 

[slugcountry]

Just live life and don't give it a second thought. If it feels right do it, people make sex out to be this big thing but in the end its just one of the many things people do.

There's so much more to life; no need to spend it worrying about something that is so completely natural. Would you make a big fuss over breathing?

 

[slugcountry]

Why is it that there's sooooooooooo many single mothers anyhow if these protective agents are 99.99% effective and all that good stuff. Either this world seems to be full of sluts and the odds just aren't in their favor ... or remembering to use protection isn't as easy as people make it out to be.

Its just simple human error.

 

[Pengwuino]

Just live life and don't give it a second thought. If it feels right do it, people make sex out to be this big thing but in the end its just one of the many things people do.

There's so much more to life; no need to spend it worrying about something that is so completely natural. Would you make a big fuss over breathing?

You don't see many people stuck barely paying the bills and raising 3 kids because they chose to breathe . I say as long as someone doesn't complain to me or has any affect on my life from them not being able to pay their bills, they should consider the risk of having a kid to be irrelevant. Unfortunatley, around here, that's not the case

 

[Mickey]

Just live life and don't give it a second thought. If it feels right do it, people make sex out to be this big thing but in the end its just one of the many things people do.

There's so much more to life; no need to spend it worrying about something that is so completely natural. Would you make a big fuss over breathing?

Cryptosporidium is natural.

 

[Jack Bauer]

I think the reasons not to (which might be overbalanced by reasons to) have premarital sex would be a subset of the reasons not to have sex in general, plus a couple others relating to marriage. The usual reasons are the risk of STDs and the risk of pregnancy. You should research these risks because they are a lot lower than you might think especially if your partner is not in a known high-risk population. For instance the risk of contracting HIV in the typical US population is probably 1 in in several million. Re: pregnancy, it's interesting how many women choose not to use the pill because of side effects, and how many wouldn't get an abortion. Condoms can fail because of mis-use; talk to someone first about the potential ways you can avoid that. Re: marriage, I think one point is that you know you're going to have sex anyway in a marriage, so the risk calculation is not so relevant but before you marry it's more of an option so you have to consider more carefully the risk/benefit ratio. There's a lot of intimate stuff you can do that will give you almost as much pleasure without the risks of sex, so there is something to think about there, especially if you're likely to be married in a couple years anyway. That's all I've got for you.

 

[Schrodinger's Dog]

God says fornication is a sin, to be honest I've never met anyone Christian or otherwise who followed this practice, although I had a friend who tried once, but then when he went to university he was so popular with the ladies that he buckled in the end. In the US maybe it's a little more common amongst religous communities I don't know, here no one would bat an eyelid if you indulged in multiple sexual relationships and never got married anyway, times change, if you don't fear societal retribution of some sort, or God's wrath then do what you feel. AFAIK only adultery is directly forbidden by God, the other stuff is just the laws of a society that no longer exists, the laws still do though? some places, very odd? Yes we Europeans are sinful fornicating beasts

 

[Beeza]

This may not be a reason not to, but I think that if in the end you decide to hold out and wait, it is becoming increasingly difficult to find women that have held out too. I'm not saying that there aren't any, but they are certainly harder to find than let's say 20 years ago. Wouldn't it suck to meet a girl and fall completely in love with her only to find out she's been having fun in her college days--while you have been holding out?

BTW, this post is in no way shape or form saying anything bad about women or having premarital sex. I don't want to experience the wrath of an angry Moonbear.

 

[Aether]

I'm really looking hard for one good reason not to do it. Does one exist?

BTW, I'm 20.

As long as your partner isn't much younger than you are now, then you are old enough to decide this for yourself. Don't be afraid to be yourself, but do always use your head.

I wouldn't put pregnancy as a big risk factor nor STD's because if you trust the girl and know her you will know whether or not she has STD's or has had lots of partners (word gets around) and whether or not she uses the birth control pill. After knowing this, you can make a better educated guess.

A better educated guess?!? Wrong.

 

[Physics_wiz]

Well the reason I'm looking for a reason not to do it is that I just grew up with the belief that it was wrong. Now that I'm actually using my head, I can't think of anything that makes it wrong. The one thing I'm afraid of is that I might go rampant if I let myself do it for the first time.

 

[JasonRox]

I always make sure the girl uses the pill and I also use a condom.

If you want to avoid pregnancy 100%, just PULL OUT! Not that freaking hard guys.

Therefore, pregnancy shouldn't be on the list because you can just pull out which is 100% effective.

 

[Danger]

you can just pull out which is 100% effective.

WRONG! Sperm can be released prior to ejaculation. Also, there are occassions when you might think that you still have a few minutes to go and something sets you off without warning.

 

[JasonRox]

WRONG! Sperm can be released prior to ejaculation. Also, there are occassions when you might think that you still have a few minutes to go and something sets you off without warning.

Yes, that's "pre-cum". Once you feel that you should pull out.

If it sets off without warning, thank your girlfriend for taking the birth control pill. Go take the morning pill the next day.

Next time, get more practice and control.

Wouldn't it suck to get married and you married someone who just sucks in bed? Yes, this probably happens to most couples who decide to keep it until marriages contrary to Christian opinions. This is why you always have those no-sex marriages, which usually end up down the ****ter or someone having an affair. Like honestly, look at the marriage in Everybody Loves Raymond. Who the hell would stay with that loser? Of course, he's a loser in my opinion and it involves other reasons besides sex, like lack of consideration for his own darn wife.

 

[Moonbear]

I always make sure the girl uses the pill and I also use a condom.

If you want to avoid pregnancy 100%, just PULL OUT! Not that freaking hard guys.

Therefore, pregnancy shouldn't be on the list because you can just pull out which is 100% effective.

As Danger already said that's completely wrong. There are plenty enough sperm to become pregnant in pre-ejaculatory emissions. Basically, if you have a sufficient erection to engage in intercourse, there are sperm present in the pre-ejaculatory emissions. The only 100% effective method of avoiding pregnancy is to not put it in in the first place.

 

[arildno]

Yes, that's "pre-cum". Once you feel that you should pull out.

Many men leak that without any strong sense it is coming.

 

[Moonbear]

Yes, that's "pre-cum". Once you feel that you should pull out.

It's too late AFTER it's there.

"Don't worry baby, I'll just pull out," spoken by fathers everywhere.

 

[Andy]

Just pulling out is the single dumbest way of birth control so don't try it. Hvae your girlfriend take the birth control pill, and if your not sure about whether you or her has an STD then use a condom. Remember that the birth control pill isn't 100% guarenteed and that a condom can break or fall off.

 

[Andy]

God I am starting to sound like an old man.

 

[Moonbear]

Why is it that there's sooooooooooo many single mothers anyhow if these protective agents are 99.99% effective and all that good stuff. Either this world seems to be full of sluts and the odds just aren't in their favor ... or remembering to use protection isn't as easy as people make it out to be.

They're 99.9% effective if used correctly every time. The actual effectiveness is somewhat lower, based on what's called "typical use." That means, when you take into account that someone's going to have a bad day and forget to take the pill, or someone in a hurry is going to roll on the condom and forget to leave space at the end, the effectiveness is decreased. And, that also assumes they use protection EVERY time, which would be a bad assumption.

The only contraceptives in which the optimal effectiveness and actual effectiveness are the same are those in which the doctor implants or injects them and the individual users don't need to think about it again, and that would be norplant (the implants they stick in your arm) and Depo-Provera, which is a shot that lasts about a month (of course you better make your appointment on time for the next shot). Things like the Mirena IUD have good effectiveness too, but in some women, they can become misplaced or be expelled, so it requires that the woman using it be comfortable checking that it is still in place before having intercourse, so again, the actual effectiveness is a bit lower than ideal effectiveness because some women will either not check or will notice it's not in quite the right place and have intercourse anyway. The last time I looked into it, they weren't recommending IUDs for unmarried women in the US (it's very popular, and well accepted abroad, but people in the US are being overly cautious after the problems that occurred with the Dalcon Shield IUD that left women with serious infections and permanent sterility). I don't know the reasoning behind why it's not recommended for unmarried women (or maybe that was just monogamous relationships...I'd have to double check), and my only guess, other than it being a hang-up about premarital sex, is that maybe the cord that remains present in the cervix increases susceptibility to STDs or worse complications if infected with an STD, and the unmarried population is more likely to come into contact with STDs due to multiple partners.

 

[Schrodinger's Dog]

If you don't want to have a baby, try trying for a baby, no seriously, how many times have you heard that line "trying for a baby", it always takes donkeys years right, so if you try to have a kid then you should in theory be safe for ohh at least a year, then try a condom& the pill(not both at once obviously, that wouldn't work, I mean you use the condom and she uses the pill)

 

[Moonbear]

If you don't want to have a baby, try trying for a baby, no seriously, how many times have you heard that line "trying for a baby", it always takes donkeys years right, so if you try to have a kid then you should in theory be safe for ohh at least a year, then try a condom& the pill(not both at once obviously, that wouldn't work, I mean you use the condom and she uses the pill)

My friends and I would say, if they are using the phrase, "trying to have a baby," then they must not be having much fun doing it. In reality, that phrase often follows a period of time when they are trying NOT to have a baby, and when one has been correctly using the birth control pill for a number of years, it can take several months before the woman starts having normal cycles again, so there's usually (but not always) several months between a couple deciding they're going to start trying to have a baby (i.e., stop taking the pill), and getting pregnant. You're also more likely to hear about it when they've been trying a long time without success and start to get frustrated and talk to friends about it. Those who get pregnant in the first month or two of "trying" don't get to go around telling all their friends they've decided to try having a baby, they just announce they're pregnant.

 

[Schrodinger's Dog]

Thanks for the information, I never really thought about it before, not having kids myself, but your response is eminently logical, it's kind of analogous to waiting for a bus, you always have to wait ages but then when you don't need a bus three turn up at once, that's just because you don't remeber the times where a bus turned up straight away, theirs less emotional context than the prolonged watch watching agony of the long waiting time.