Collection of Lame Jokes

[davenn]

I doubt this, projecting from the number of things I still seem to learn the hard way in my forties...

just wait for another 20 - 30 yrs

 

[Ibix]

just wait for another 20 - 30 yrs

...then I'll find out the hard way that I'm wrong?

 

[WWGD]

New PF feature (with AI , I guess) : every post of mine that remotely resembles a joke is automatically moved to this forum. Just to save time.

 

[fresh_42]

New PF feature (with AI , I guess) : every post of mine that remotely resembles a joke is automatically moved to this forum. Just to save time.

AI? No way, far too many false positive results

 

[fresh_42]

Massless particles travel at light speed.

Spoiler

Particles with mass at heavy speed.

 

[jtbell]

A guy walks into a ski lodge, accompanied by a pony on skis.

Desk clerk: "Uh, what's up with your friend?"
Guy: "Him? The cold made him a little hoarse. "

 

[Ibix]

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

 

[256bits]

Things you don't hear or say in Balloon World:
At the fast food joint - You want a pop with that?
At school - Today we are having a pop quiz.
Meeting you dad - Hi Pop!

 

[Ibix]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

In some frames of reference the road crossed the chicken.

(The Einstein Reverse - a distant relative of the "in Soviet Russia, chicken crosses you" gag).

 

[fresh_42]

A neutrino walked through a bar.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I know a similar one:
Why the chicken didn't cross the road?!

Spoiler

Too many cars and because it's "chicken"! ...

 

[member 428835]

Who was harder to get long with: Euler or Lagrange?

Euler, Lagrange just went with the flow.

(made this joke up when studying for my quals)

 

[Stavros Kiri]

A neutrino walked through a bar.

So what!?
[if only it was just one ...]

 

[WWGD]

A neutrino walked through a bar.

And told himself: Let's split through the slit (Please pardon tech details, my Physics is pretty rudimentary. EDIT I know it is supposed to be electron, but you take whatever you can get.).

 

[WWGD]

Two pilots p1,p2 trying to land a plane.
P1: We're not going to make it, landingbstrip is too short.
P2: Yes, but it is so wide...

 

[fresh_42]

BBQ 1988: Where's the beer?
BBQ 2018: What's your WLAN password?

 

[fresh_42]

"Darling, I'm back! I bought grapes."
"Don't they sell this instant-wine anymore?"

 

[jtbell]

BBQ 2018: What's your WLAN password?

My response: What's your MAC address?

 

[jtbell]

Two guys are ice fishing, sitting at adjacent holes in the ice. Guy #1 isn't having much luck, but guy #2 is pulling in one fish after another.

Guy #1: OK, what's your secret?
Guy #2: Mmmp mmmr mmmrms mmmrm.
Guy #1: Eh what?
Guy #2: [Turns and spits.] Keep your worms warm.

 

[jbriggs444]

Guy is out ice fishing with his son. He opens a can of peas and begins laying them on the ice all around the hole. His son asks why?

"When a fish comes up to take a pea, we get him".

With apologies to Garrison Keilor

 

[Borg]

That reminds me of a really lame one.

Why did the beauty contestant put peas in a blender?

Spoiler

Because she wanted whirled peas.

 

[Ibix]

Peas were one of the few things my son would reliably eat when he was little. He was happily scoffing a plate of them the day he was a year and a half old, so I explained to a friend that it was his eighteen month birthday and we were out on the peas.

 

[YoungPhysicist]

Why copper sulfate is blue? that’s because there is water in it’s molecules.
but why is the heart blue? That’s because I am.

 

[WWGD]

Two teenagers comparing their dads.
Teen1 :My dad's a hero
Teen2: He's not a hero, he's a nut.
Teen1 He's a hero, he stormed the beach at Normandy.
Teen2: He's a nut, he did last week. Alone.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

The cat is outdated!
Schrödinger's phone:
View attachment 230144
You can't tell if the screen is intacted or not until you pick it up

I like the phone better. The cat never made sense anyway ... The phone does!

 

[YoungPhysicist]

How many pairs of animals are there on Moses’ ark?

None.’cause Moses has no ark.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

How many pairs of animals are there on Moses’ ark?

None.’cause Moses has no ark.

That's not true. Moses's ark is the ark of the 10 commandments:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ark_of_the_Covenant

Now, pairs of animals though? Nope

 

[jtbell]

It was soooo cold outside...

that hitchhikers held up photos of their thumbs.

 

[DrGreg]

It was soooo cold outside...

that hitchhikers held up photos of their thumbs.

 

[fresh_42]

It was soooo cold outside...

that hitchhikers held up photos of their thumbs.

I start to combine this joke with the fact that the Russians in a town I once visited used a different signal, the one we usually use for "Please slow down! Danger ahead." If it was linked to the average temperature?