Collection of Lame Jokes

[davenn]

View attachment 273671

but everything else is allowed hahaha

 

[davenn]

 

[DrClaude]

What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday the rest are week days.

But Saturday and Sunday are not very strong either, they are weakened.

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 273672

I think I would take that as proof that baby Yoda had fallen to the dark side...

 

[jedishrfu]

Spoiler: Do you know how to catch a unique rabbit?

You neak up on it.

Spoiler: Do you know how to catch a tame rabbit?

The tame way you neak up on it.

 

[jedishrfu]

View attachment 273681​

There's actually a story behind this picture. The little girl and her brother were playing at home when they heard the commotion over the fire. They with their dad went to investigate and the dad snapped the photo. The fire was part of a planned burn of a derelict property for fire dept training.

https://www.hongkiat.com/blog/stories-behind-memes/

https://thetab.com/uk/2019/12/16/meme-origins-stories-explained-134922

 

[fresh_42]

Spoiler: Do you know how a hunter catches a rabbit?

He chases it with his pack and shoots at it.

Spoiler: Do you know how a mathematician catches a rabbit?

He divides the forest into two, looks which part the rabbit is in. Then he divides this one into two, looks which part ...

Spoiler: Do you know how a CIA (*) agent catches a rabbit?

He catches a wild boar and beats it until it admits to be a rabbit.

(*) This is only culturally adapted. My version goes with german cops. No offense to the US. I just thought it fits better with an intelligence service and nobody knows BND.

 

[jack action]

How do you kill a blue elephant?

Spoiler: Answer

Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a red elephant?

Spoiler: Answer

Twist its trunk until it turns blue and then shoot it with a red elephant gun.

 

[fresh_42]

An international team has found a mammoth in the Siberian tundra. The scientists bet which one of them can determine its age most precisely. The German scientist crawled into the cave and returned after 10 minutes: "It is 3.5 million years old." I can do better, said the American and crawled into the cave. He returned after an hour and said: "It is 3.47 million years old." At last the Russian scientist vanished in the cave. His colleagues waited for an hour, two hours, three hours, but it wasn't before the next day when he returned. "And? What do you think?" - "It is 3,468,324 years, 5 month and 2 days old!" - "Wow! How can you know?" - "The interrogation was tough, but in the end he confessed."

 

[DrGreg]

An international team has found a mammoth in the Siberian tundra. The scientists bet which one of them can determine its age most precisely. The German scientist crawled into the cave and returned after 10 minutes: "It is 3.5 million years old." I can do better, said the American and crawled into the cave. He returned after an hour and said: "It is 3.47 million years old." At last the Russian scientist vanished in the cave. His colleagues waited for an hour, two hours, three hours, but it wasn't before the next day when he returned. "And? What do you think?" - "It is 3,468,324 years, 5 month and 2 days old!" - "Wow! How can you know?" - "The interrogation was tough, but in the end he confessed."

Museum visitor: "How old is the mammoth skeleton?"
Museum attendant: "3,500,003 years."
Visitor: "Wow! How can you know?"
Attendant: "When I started working here 3 years ago, it was 3,500,000 years old."

 

[Keith_McClary]

Then the mammoth walked out of the cave and said ...

 

[mfb]

Spoiler: Do you know how a mathematician catches a rabbit?

He divides the forest into two, looks which part the rabbit is in. Then he divides this one into two, looks which part ...

Too inefficient. You make a small cage, dividing the surface of Earth into two parts and define the larger part of Earth's surface to be the inside.

 

[fresh_42]

Too inefficient. You make a small cage, dividing the surface of Earth into two parts and define the larger part of Earth's surface to be the inside.

That's what logicians do. The rest uses a Möbius-transformation on the Riemann sphere, or Cauchy's integral formula in case the rabbit's residue is known.

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[Ibix]

Spoiler: Do you know how a hunter catches a rabbit?

He chases it with his pack and shoots at it.

Spoiler: Do you know how a mathematician catches a rabbit?

He divides the forest into two, looks which part the rabbit is in. Then he divides this one into two, looks which part ...

Spoiler: Do you know how a CIA (*) agent catches a rabbit?

He catches a wild boar and beats it until it admits to be a rabbit.

(*) This is only culturally adapted. My version goes with german cops. No offense to the US. I just thought it fits better with an intelligence service and nobody knows BND.

I thought that the usual method of catching a rabbit was to paint yourself orange and make a noise like a carrot.

 

[sysprog]

 

[davenn]

 

[BillTre]

Waht?

 

[fresh_42]

Waht?

He siad, yuo undrespood him!

 

[davenn]

 

[Borg]

View attachment 273728

I need to train my next AI algorithm on that!

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

Only 385 days until Christmas!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

The turkeys are looking GREAT this year.

 

[jack action]

Two old people discuss together:

- I just made a silent fart. What do I do?

- Put new batteries in your hearing aid.

 

[256bits]

Watching Fauci trying to find the right language is painful.

~ What we don't want to see is a surge on top of a surge within a surge while wrapping a surge around a surge...

He should just say "STAY AT HOME!"

He is noticeably frustrated. He has all but begged people to stay home.

 

[256bits]

The turkeys are looking GREAT this year.

View attachment 273755

Just don't ask the guest(s) what kind of meat they would like, the drumstick or the ...

 

[etotheipi]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Metaphor: The collective result of many phors.

 

[WWGD]

Just don't ask the guest(s) what kind of meat they would like, the drumstick or the ...

Or put a bra on it before cooking it.

 

[WWGD]

Metaphor: The collective result of many phors.

I've met threes but never metaphor . (I'll see myself out.)

 

[WWGD]

 

[BillTre]

View attachment 273806

Gosh Darn!
They got Dinosaurs!

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[phinds]

Business signs:

North Side Concrete --- we dry harder
Pattie's Pastries --- Hey, get your buns in here
Smith's Septic Service --- We're number 1 in the number 2 business
Ho's Dry Cleaner --- Drop your pants here
Boston tacos --- Don't just stand there, come inside and get fed up
South Side Diaper Service --- Let us lighten your load
Greenside Plant Nursery --- Our business is growing
Billie's Body Shop --- May we have the next dents?
Edgar's Muffler --- no appointment necessary; we'll hear you coming
Maple's Massage Parlor --- It's great to be kneaded
Cincinnati bakery --- while you sleep, we loaf
Smith Plumbers --- a good flush beats a full house
Ithaca Vacuum Cleaner Service --- Our business sucks

and my favorite:

Hillsgate Trash Service --- satisfaction guarantee or double your trash back

 

[phinds]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Business signs:

North Side Concrete --- we dry harder
Pattie's Pastries --- Hey, get your buns in here
Smith's Septic Service --- We're number 1 in the number 2 business
Ho's Dry Cleaner --- Drop your pants here
Boston tacos --- Don't just stand there, come inside and get fed up
South Side Diaper Service --- Let us lighten your load
Greenside Plant Nursery --- Our business is growing
Billie's Body Shop --- May we have the next dents?
Edgar's Muffler --- no appointment necessary; we'll hear you coming
Maple's Massage Parlor --- It's great to be kneaded
Cincinnati bakery --- while you sleep, we loaf
Smith Plumbers --- a good flush beats a full house
Ithaca Vacuum Cleaner Service --- Our business sucks

and my favorite:

Hillsgate Trash Service --- satisfaction guarantee or double your trash back

We had a radiator shop that claimed to be the best place to take a leak.

The gas station offered free break checks.

Many moons ago I worked for MCTS - Mobile Computerized Tomographic Services.
Our company t-shirts read: We give the best head and better body scans.

 

[jtbell]

Business signs:

On a garbage truck: "We service what we smell"

Business names:

A carpet and tile store in New Orleans: Floor de Lys

A hair salon in Portsmouth, Ohio: Curl Up and Dye

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

I asked the librarian If they had any books on different noise levels...
The librarian says, "Sure, what volume would you like?"...

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 273806

The bird seems to have replaced a man in the second rank. Is this the origin of the expression "to chicken out"?

 

[Ibix]

I asked the librarian If they had any books on different noise levels...
The librarian says, "Sure, what volume would you like?"...

How many volumes are there? I want a series that goes to eleven!

 

[davenn]

How many volumes are there? I want a series that goes to eleven!

from 0 to 110 (dB)

 

[WWGD]