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My father in Brokeback Mountains

  1. Feb 2, 2009 #1
    [you don't know who I am, except my username 'lonton', which is why I am not afraid to share with you all about my family's private problem. This is a public information forums where we come to share our experience as well as to seek answers for our homework, right ?].

    You might already know that public recognition of gay males/females in our society is basically just at its beginning stage in current social development. Not only in my present country do people disgust homosexuals, I suppose even in the US many still discrimate and keep distances from gay people from time to time. My father is old now and his time in schools 30-40 years ago was really hard for him to be truly "him". The higher social ranks he obtained, the more emotional contradictions he had to suppressed inside. He married, had children, not 1 but 4. When I was a 5 year old baby sitting on his laps, I saw him cry. He looked far but I am sure he saw nothing. I am now 25 years old, and worked for a Mcdonald store 11 kms away from home. On a cool Sunny day, I asked my boss for a day off, I rode my bicycle around a milky cow farm far from home and I saw my father was kissing a young man of my age in the bush near the farm gate. He was completely nude. That scene was like a thunder bolt that seemed to turn me dumb and deaf, I couldn't speak up a word. I jumped on my bicycle riding fast on the road that I also didn't know where it would led me to. I just rode faster and faster. They both didn't see me. But true I was so really shocked. I realise also that his stay with my mother, having children and socializing with other men in companies was just an excuse to keep his miserable soul as pure as what he was born to have.

    He is now already ~57-58 years old, my mother sure knows nothing about his contradictory feelings he has to deal with everyday. Even when she could recognize her husband's sadness sometimes, her comforts and sexual affairs as a special kind of treatments would never be able to release the pain he has been suffering for years. Many people would be in a complete agreement that I should keep what I saw as a secret, just like an unspoken suffering he has had thus far. Some will say it is a lie my father is telling my mother but I suppose it is a little contentment a gay male like my father has the right to have...
     
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  3. Feb 2, 2009 #2

    russ_watters

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    People do not have a right to lie to their spouses and more importantly should not lie to themselves. His unhappiness is more his doing than society's.
     
  4. Feb 2, 2009 #3

    JasonRox

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    Easier said than russ.

    I met a girl who was married for almost 10 years. She always wanted to make love to her husband and all that. And she is... like wow. Very attractive. The husband cheated on her several times and so on. By the 10th year, he told her he was gay and that he cheated on her and such. She said she was extremely hurt... no doubt. But then, she knew that his pain is so much higher, and considering she loved him, she forgave him. The guy still hasn't told his parents yet. The girl and the guy are best friends to this day.

    Considering in the above story, the guy is probably in a location where he would get his *** kicked everyday. I don't know. It's tough.

    Much easier said than done. That's for sure.

    I know around here no one would say they support Bush publicly, like being gay.
     
  5. Feb 2, 2009 #4
    If you lived in a world where PF Mentors where persecuted and looked up on as vile and corrupt by the majority of the population, what would you do? Would you take the risk of ruining your family, career and friends by admitting that you where indeed a PF Mentor?
     
  6. Feb 2, 2009 #5
    Your dad is cheating on your mother. It's not a gay thing, it's a fidelity thing. It's weird to me because I'm as a heterosexual who doesn't understand the attractions that homosexuals have. I was thinking it was especially weird that he was with such a younger male, but thinking about it, it wouldn't be as weird to me if he were with a younger female. But that's just me. Regardless, you should kick your dad's butt for stepping out on your mom. But don't tell her, that's between your parents to work out.
     
  7. Feb 2, 2009 #6
    Now what?

    You worrying about it wouldn't do anything good. And, you are old enough to ignore your parents' business.
     
  8. Feb 2, 2009 #7

    russ_watters

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    It is one thing to keep a lifestyle secret for fear of "persecution". People do that in all sorts of social situations. Cheating on your wife - whether you are gay or straight - is an entirely different issue. If I were gay, I most certainly would never get married because I'm someone who actually believes that you owe the person you marry (not to mention your kids!) love.

    You guys are all assuming that this person is sad because he feels persecuted. Have you considered that maybe he's sad because he's having a conscience attack? Maybe he really does care about them and is upset about lying to them?

    You guys are actually suggesting that it is OK to cheat on your wife if you are gay! And that to spare your feelings, it is ok to bring other people into your lie of a life. These may be the most selfish things I've ever heard!

    And for the record, I do not advertise the fact that I'm a PF moderator. Yes, in certain social situations, I put on a front to be more accepted. People do that and there isn't anything wrong with it if they can still look at themselves in the mirror.
     
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2009
  9. Feb 2, 2009 #8
    Let alone that if certain precautions aren't being taken and dangerous behavior is being pursued, it could actually be detrimental to the health of the woman. If I were the child, I would talk to the father about THAT.
     
  10. Feb 2, 2009 #9
    Yeah, it's about time you had the son-father discussion about STDs and how to prevent them. Every father needs to know these things.
     
  11. Feb 2, 2009 #10
    Yes, I agree with you too, and I guess that is your lifestyle, possibly not mine or that of my country. I am now in Italy and I will do as a Roman.
     
  12. Feb 2, 2009 #11
    I think your dad does need to come out and tell your mom. He shouldn't be hurting your mom, that's not good for her, or you really (even though you are an adult, but so is your dad). But it's not up to any of us, he needs to make the right decision, no matter what it may be. But, it's never right to cheat, or be cheated on. I'm glad that you feel comfy enough to tell us and to share what's going on. I hope we can help you.
     
  13. Feb 3, 2009 #12

    arildno

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    The best thing you can do is to speak with your father about it. What he fears most of all, is estrangement from you, your siblings, and, indeed, from your mother (he loves all of you, including her. Don't for a second believe all his married life has been "merely an excuse". He most likely chose your mother as a mate because he loved her, in a non-sexual way, and hoped that that sex-thing would "work itself out" in the fulness of time. Which, of course, it never did).
    His sadness is most certainly a combination of conscience attacks, along with now exaggerated fears of persecution/harassment. It also contains a lot of sheer loneliness.

    He can see no way out of his, in part, self-inflicted predicament, you are the one who can make him break out of the shell he has created about him.

    Be gentle, but firm about how you broach this issue with him.
    If met with denial (a likely first reaction), remain calm and tell him precisely what you know (i.e, the incident you referred to).
    Assure him that you love him, but that it is really time for him to open up for his own son (you), and that it is important for you to get to know your real dad, also that side he has chosen to suppress from his family.
    Be prepared for that once his "flood-gates" are breached, he will flood you with tales of emotions, fears and longings he has suppressed for years (you are going to be taken aback with how much he has burdened himself with and managed to conceal from his family. It will, literally, take YEARS for him to unburden himself, and construct a more harmonious personality than the repressed/convoluted personality he is now)

    Also remember that your mother deserves to know the truth; but you should talk with your dad in private first.

    Furthermore, remember:
    However "unwelcome" that shock was for you, you can never turn back the clock. What that means, is that YOUR relationship with your Dad is already irreversibly changed. Have you considered how it will be for you, if you for the next twenty years or so is to go about pretending to your Dad nothing has changed? Most likely, you won't be able to, and if you bottle up that knowledge of yours, you run the risk at an inopportune moment burst out with what you know about him. Is that a risk YOU are willing to take? To irreparably damage a father-son relationship that could have grown into something fruitful and sincere if you had dared to take the first step? Do not repeat your Dad's mistake in keeping this hidden. It won't help any of you.

    Another point you should consider is the following:
    Within his present, repressed state, your Dad is most likely incapable of finding a special friend/dependable lover imparting richness into his life. It may well be that most of his actual sexual encounters are with hustlers, because those are the ones easiest for him to find in his present situation. Would you not wish something more than that for your Dad? He is in, and has been in for years, an emotional mess; and you are the one best placed to help him out of it.
     
    Last edited: Feb 3, 2009
  14. Feb 4, 2009 #13
    Thanks for long posts
    But I don't think being gays is a sign of emotional mess.
    A crying man is not a gay
    Being weak before nerve strikes is not a sign of gayness also
    [edit]
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 4, 2009
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