Open Relationships: Exploring Thoughts & Perspectives

[JasonRox]

Ok, I have to bring this up.

I get questions about this almost all the time now. I'm in an open relationship (some of you may know).

It's a difficult process, but it's definitely very fulfilling for me.

So, I want to ask questions now. What are your first thoughts on open relationships? What do you think about those in open relationships? Are you in one? Have you ever been in one? Would you consider one?

Note: Please note I want mature responses. I'm not talking about open-frienship with benefits relationships. I consider those to be immature relationships, just like immature exclusive relationships also exist.

Anyways, please share. I'll post some articles if it comes to interest depending on comments.

Note: Becareful not to make facts about social habit, views and assumptions.

 

[Evo]

Ok, I have to bring this up.

I get questions about this almost all the time now. I'm in an open relationship (some of you may know).

It's a difficult process, but it's definitely very fulfilling for me.

So, I want to ask questions now. What are your first thoughts on open relationships? What do you think about those in open relationships? Are you in one? Have you ever been in one? Would you consider one?

Note: Please note I want mature responses. I'm not talking about open-frienship with benefits relationships. I consider those to be immature relationships, just like immature exclusive relationships also exist.

Anyways, please share. I'll post some articles if it comes to interest depending on comments.

When I was young, you dated several people at the same time, that was normal and encouraged. It wasn't until you became serious and decided to see each other "exclusively" that you stopped dating other people.

But I guess you are at the "serious" stage, but still don't want to be exclusive? Are you in love and serious about each other, but still want to date other people? Hey, if that is what you both want, why not. But what do you tell the other people that you "date"? Do you tell them you are in love with someone else and there is no chance of a romantic relationship? Or are you not in love?

I guess you need to explain exactly what your relationship is with this girl first.

 

[Moonbear]

I will first preface this that I think personal relationships are PERSONAL. It's nobody's business but those involved, and as long as ALL involved are okay with it, then it's all fine in my view. I do think it's important that ALL involved be considered, though. So, even if you are okay with open relationships, and a particular partner is as well, that's not enough. Every OTHER partner EITHER of you have also needs to be okay with the idea.

Now, personally, I would not be comfortable with such a relationship. I just would have a hard time defining it as a relationship. To me, a relationship means there is a unique connection between two people, and it's something special. I have a hard time viewing an "open relationship" as anything other than a "friends with benefits" relationship, or a "I haven't quite found the right person, so am still shopping around, and so can you" relationship.

On the other hand, I think it's also possible to fall in love with more than one person, either at different times in life or sometimes at the same time. I think this is ONE reason people "cheat", because they have genuinely fallen in love with two people (it's only ONE reason...there are others, including NOT being in love with one person and trying to fake it). I'm not sure I consider these situations to really be "open" relationships though, but more of a closed relationship situation with a couple extra players.

I think the important thing is that whatever type of relationship you're in, you're happy with it and comfortable with your own choices. And, regardless of your feelings going into it, if your feelings change, then your relationship situation should change accordingly too, and all parties involved need to be comfortable communicating this to one another.

 

[JasonRox]

When I was young, you dated several people at the same time, that was normal and encouraged. It wasn't until you became serious and decided to see each other "exclusively" that you stopped dating other people.

But I guess you are at the "serious" stage, but still don't want to be exclusive? Are you in love and serious about each other, but still want to date other people? Hey, if that is what you both want, why not. But what do you tell the other people that you "date"? Do you tell them you are in love with someone else and there is no chance of a romantic relationship? Or are you not in love?

I guess you need to explain exactly what your relationship is with this girl first.

I'm asking the questions.

Believe it or not, I prefer to not use the word "love". I don't really want to explain why because that is irrelevant since love does not imply exclusive and it also does not imply that it belongs to only one person (therefore, let's exclude love from discussion).

We have been together for almost 4 years.

Most people I date know. They are not required to know either. If I ask a girl out, we go out and have fun just like normal. If things progress, of course I communicate it. Why don't I have to tell her first? Well, gays don't need to be holding signs saying they're gay so I also do not need to hold a sign saying I'm in an open relationship. We take our expectations for granted. We label everyone as straight and monogamous. So, anyways, that's how it goes. No girl has said anything about it. Also, most of them know before anyways.

I can have two or more romantic relationships, so I don't know what you mean by telling the other person there isn't any chance.

Anyways, anyone care to answer my questions in the OP?

 

[JasonRox]

I will first preface this that I think personal relationships are PERSONAL. It's nobody's business but those involved, and as long as ALL involved are okay with it, then it's all fine in my view. I do think it's important that ALL involved be considered, though. So, even if you are okay with open relationships, and a particular partner is as well, that's not enough. Every OTHER partner EITHER of you have also needs to be okay with the idea.

Now, personally, I would not be comfortable with such a relationship. I just would have a hard time defining it as a relationship. To me, a relationship means there is a unique connection between two people, and it's something special. I have a hard time viewing an "open relationship" as anything other than a "friends with benefits" relationship, or a "I haven't quite found the right person, so am still shopping around, and so can you" relationship.

On the other hand, I think it's also possible to fall in love with more than one person, either at different times in life or sometimes at the same time. I think this is ONE reason people "cheat", because they have genuinely fallen in love with two people (it's only ONE reason...there are others, including NOT being in love with one person and trying to fake it). I'm not sure I consider these situations to really be "open" relationships though, but more of a closed relationship situation with a couple extra players.

I think the important thing is that whatever type of relationship you're in, you're happy with it and comfortable with your own choices. And, regardless of your feelings going into it, if your feelings change, then your relationship situation should change accordingly too, and all parties involved need to be comfortable communicating this to one another.

Nice post.

For sure, everyone has to be consented when a relationship is getting more involved. Kind of like monogamous people, it must be made aware at some point that you're exclusive. You do not need to tell the person on the first date! Haha.

 

[Moonbear]

When I was young, you dated several people at the same time, that was normal and encouraged. It wasn't until you became serious and decided to see each other "exclusively" that you stopped dating other people.

Same for me. I'm not sure if Jason is referring to something different, but it seems to me that young people nowadays jump into what they call "relationships" very quickly, and are skipping this dating phase where you're completely allowed to date more than one person at a time while "shopping" for the right one. So, I'm not sure if it's just a terminology issue, or something else. I actually DON'T think it's normal or healthy that "kids nowadays" jump so quickly into exclusive relationships.

 

[JasonRox]

Same for me. I'm not sure if Jason is referring to something different, but it seems to me that young people nowadays jump into what they call "relationships" very quickly, and are skipping this dating phase where you're completely allowed to date more than one person at a time while "shopping" for the right one. So, I'm not sure if it's just a terminology issue, or something else. I actually DON'T think it's normal or healthy that "kids nowadays" jump so quickly into exclusive relationships.

For sure, I noticed that too. I think it's an insecurity thing or mismanagement of one's own emotions. I think lack of parenting of the new generation is causing this result, as well as many others.

 

[Evo]

I can have two or more romantic relationships, so I don't know what you mean by telling the other person there isn't any chance.

That's what I wanted to know. You don't feel obligated to each other. That's fine if that's what the two of you want and you don't mislead the other people you date. Even if you two felt obligated to each other, as long as the two of you agree about what you are doing and you don't mislead others, I don't know why you are even asking for other people's opinions.

My confusion was if you were afraid of how to approach other people or thought other people would frown on what you were doing based on an obligation or lack of one. Doesn't seems like it is an issue.

 

[JasonRox]

That's what I wanted to know. You don't feel obligated to each other. That's fine if that's what the two of you want and you don't mislead the other people you date. Even if you two felt obligated to each other, as long as the two of you agree about what you are doing and you don't mislead others, I don't know why you are even asking for other people's opinions.

My confusion was if you were afraid of how to approach other people or thought other people would frown on what you were doing based on an obligation or lack of one. Doesn't seems like it is an issue.

People who know me and learn that I am into open relationships have never frowned upon me. Not even a Christian girl I know. I don't mislead anyone. I'm totally against that.

I'm not afraid to approach people about it. Haha, I enjoy talking about it. It gets everyone thinking.

 

[Evo]

The term for this is "polyamorous". It's become a very popular buzz word.

 

[Moonbear]

I don't really consider any relationship completely "exclusive" until there's an engagement announced or a wedding ceremony performed. Considering I've been in a few "relationships" that terminated for various reasons, I don't consider a relationship to be much more than an extended test drive.

 

[JasonRox]

I don't really consider any relationship completely "exclusive" until there's an engagement announced or a wedding ceremony performed. Considering I've been in a few "relationships" that terminated for various reasons, I don't consider a relationship to be much more than an extended test drive.

And sometimes you test drive a BMW even when you can't afford it.

 

[JasonRox]

The term for this is "polyamorous". It's become a very popular buzz word.

For sure, I'm a little more strict than "polyamorous" I think. But I guess, it's a pretty good summary.

 

[Evo]

I wouldn't mind test driving a man.

 

[Moonbear]

And sometimes you test drive a BMW even when you can't afford it.

Absolutely! Sometimes you take the little red sports car on a test drive when you know you really need a reliable station wagon too.

 

[Moonbear]

I wouldn't mind test driving a man.

And then there's just being blunt.

 

[binzing]

I've come to the conclusion that love is both the best and worst thing the human brain can do.

 

[Moonbear]

Okay, considering this topic, I just have to share that there's this goofy show on Discovery Channel right now about "purity pledges." It's one thing waiting until marriage to have sex...not that I'm fond of even that idea, but I can understand it...but some of these people think it's wrong to even KISS until married! What's wrong with these people? Since when is it bad to kiss someone?

 

[JasonRox]

Okay, considering this topic, I just have to share that there's this goofy show on Discovery Channel right now about "purity pledges." It's one thing waiting until marriage to have sex...not that I'm fond of even that idea, but I can understand it...but some of these people think it's wrong to even KISS until married! What's wrong with these people? Since when is it bad to kiss someone?

That's my view. Kissing is great thing. Usually, that's all I want to do.

You have to admit. It's nice to see different kissing styles... unless they are horrible!

 

[Evo]

Oh, I dated , or rather tried to date, a guy that was a human fountain. I would be drowning when we kissed. I couldn't take it. Otherwise, he was perfect for me.

Another guy was a smacker, he'd make these loud popping noises that hurt my ears.

 

[JasonRox]

Oh, I dated , or rather tried to date, a guy that was a human fountain. I would be drowning when we kissed. I couldn't take it. Otherwise, he was perfect for me.

Another guy was a smacker, he'd make these loud popping noises that hurt my ears.

Eww!

I dated one girl who could barely open her mouth when kissing. I was thinking... man I wonder how bad the sex is. Definitely, did not find out and not interested in finding out!

I think girls got it worst since most guys are sloppy.

 

[Moonbear]

That's my view. Kissing is great thing. Usually, that's all I want to do.

You have to admit. It's nice to see different kissing styles... unless they are horrible!

I agree. I mean, okay, even if they don't want to "French" kiss, aren't kisses just signs of affection? Listening to these girls talking, it's actually sounding kind of creepy. Honestly, now I'm eyeing their fathers as some sort of weirdo child molesters or something that they would deny their daughters the kiss of a boy...apparently it's okay to still kiss their parents, but kissing someone else is wrong. I can only think their parents must have rather twisted minds to see something wrong with kissing a boy (and I notice there are no boys on this show taking these "purity pledges."). Sorry, don't mean to hijack the thread, but the contrast is just too shocking for me to not talk about it! Why is it that I suspect these are the girls who will wind up "knocked up" before they're out of high school?

 

[Moonbear]

Eww!

X2!

I dated one girl who could barely open her mouth when kissing. I was thinking... man I wonder how bad the sex is. Definitely, did not find out and not interested in finding out!

True. If she's inhibited about kissing, she'd probably be even more inhibited about other things. Then again, some people can be lured away from those inhibitions, and then their wild side is revealed!

I think girls got it worst since most guys are sloppy.

I have definitely met my share of sloppy kissers.

 

[JasonRox]

Why is it that I suspect these are the girls who will wind up "knocked up" before they're out of high school?

Well, I hold more of existentialist views. I find it hard to believe anyone is exercising freedom if they've never done something wrong. You've always done right, hence all the decisions have been made. Anyways, I won't get into that. (By exploring your choices, you develop personal values.)

I don't think it's likely this will happen, but I wouldn't be surprised either.

 

[JasonRox]

True. If she's inhibited about kissing, she'd probably be even more inhibited about other things. Then again, some people can be lured away from those inhibitions, and then their wild side is revealed!

She definitely didn't seem inhibited by other things. I started doing other things... you know exploring the surface. First thing she said was... "I have bad news. I'm on my period."

At first I thought she was just saying that to stop me from going further, but next time we got together, it was clear that was not the case. The lead up to the sex was so bad, that I was like... nope.

 

[turbo]

I had a "steady date" for about a year in HS, and it was a really bad thing. She was smart, musically talented, pretty (yes she was a Miss Maine runner-up) and she was a pretty good skiier, so we shared a lot of interests. BUT (OK, she did not have a big butt) she had an agenda that a HS boy could miss entirely, while his friends were pointing out the obvious. She knew that I planned on being an engineer, and she wanted to be an RN and I started hearing about her elaborate "plans" second-hand from friends - stuff she hadn't cleared with me, like her working me through college, and me working her through advanced certifications, etc.

I was flattered when she latched onto me, and it was somehow comforting to have a "steady" and not have to plan ahead for dances, concerts, etc, and figure out who to ask and under what circumstances. In the end, it was very liberating to break off that steady relationship and start dating other women. I got out of our small town as much as possible to meet others, and found myself getting drawn into other social groups, including some people with whom I've had life-long friendships.

In retrospect, I wish I had kept things light, friendly, and open all through HS and not wasted a year on something that was not going to turn out well. I kept things that way all through college, and finally found a lady who was honest, sincere, and faithful. That will happen to you eventually Jason, just don't "play the field" or make promises. One day, you'll meet the woman who you can't live without and you'll know. Before I took my future wife to meet my family, I told my mother "she is the one". Over 30 years later, I'm pretty sure neither of us is getting traded in.

 

[mcknia07]

Haha, sucks to be you then Jason! Sorry, I had to say it, but no, she could have been the greatest you have ever been with, you might have just missed out, lol.

 

[JasonRox]

I kept things that way all through college, and finally found a lady who was honest, sincere, and faithful.

I'm not looking for someone faithful. I put no value into it.

I have found a great girl. We've been together for 4 years and it's strong. My friend also in an open relationship for 2 years.

 

[JasonRox]

Haha, sucks to be you then Jason! Sorry, I had to say it, but no, she could have been the greatest you have ever been with, you might have just missed out, lol.

I have no idea what you're saying. Fix the punctuation.

Sucks? I've never been happier and the same for my partner.

The way that I am actually draws a lot of attention from girls... and boys unfortunately. I get asked out by a girl atleast once a month.

 

[mcknia07]

I guess I don't really get the point to being in an open relationship, but if you are happy and your partner, that's all that matters, not what others think or even say. I know a lot of girls that like to go for guys in relationships, I guess they think it's more tempting...

 

[JasonRox]

I guess I don't really get the point to being in an open relationship, but if you are happy and your partner, that's all that matters, not what others think or even say. I know a lot of girls that like to go for guys in relationships, I guess they think it's more tempting...

I think they see me as very respectful, honest, and open. As well as confident, fun and happy. It rubs off on people.

I'm actually the first TA at my school that ever got their name written on the comment feedback thing. When I first started TAing, a buzz went around the faculty on all the positive feedback I was getting. I'm glad because my help centre hours are usually busy, and I like that.

 

[rootX]

another relationship thread!

:!)

 

[JasonRox]

another relationship thread!

:!)

This one actually involves relationships. Most only involve people TRYING to get in a relationship.

 

[Moonbear]

I have no idea what you're saying.

I think she might have just been suggesting that the woman you ditched as a bad kisser and bad lead-in to sex might have been able to learn had you been more patient. It's possible...maybe she'd only been with really inexperienced guys who thought anything she did was great and she could have learned from you and gotten better. But, that's your decision if you wanted to put in the time and effort to find out if things could improve with experience.

 

[turbo]

I'm not looking for someone faithful. I put no value into it.

Faithful is important. My wife was in a horrible accident. It did not disfigure her like the accident John McCain's wife was in, but she was partially paralyzed and lost almost all her vision. She has recovered most of her function and vision and is as tough as hell, though the disparity in the length of her leg-bones has given her ongoing skeletal problems. I've been through a lot, too, and she has stood by me through some crap when other women would have walked out.

For me "faithful" means a whole lot more than "I won't go out on you if we agree not to". That's juvenile. Faithful means that when your life hands you the worst day-week-month-year that you think you'll ever see, you have a soul-mate willing to stand by you. I hope you get that, even if you discount it now.