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Silly Story for a Friend

  1. May 12, 2013 #1

    Drakkith

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    Staff: Mentor

    Just a silly story I wrote tonight for a friend of mine. His nickname is 'Lumberjanko' and he makes the most awesome batch of beans, hence forth known as 'Jankobeans'. This is his story. May god have mercy on your souls for reading this.

    The Saga of the Lumberjanko, Episode 1.

    The Lumberjanko sighed. Sweat beaded his brow, brought forth by the heat radiating from the molten metal nearby and the work required to hammer shape and function into his greatest creation. But it was being difficult. It railed against his will, aching for freedom from its superheated prison.

    He’d traveled the cosmos looking for the perfect ingredients for this magnificent beast of a batch. Of all of them, the most difficult had been the AllSpark. Through it he would give life to his creation and ensure future generations would forever enjoy its taste long after he had left this section of the galaxy to spread his spawn upon new worlds.

    The ring of metal on metal still filled his ears every time he remembered the glorious battle in the depths of Cybertron. His axe had felled many machines, cleaving their metallic bodies and severing limbs as he battled his way to the heart of the machine planet. There he had faced down Megatron and Optimus Prime themselves.

    For days they had fought, lasers pinging off of his thick beard like bullets off a tank. His axe, made from one-of-a-kind-ium, was a tornado of death. Again and again the two iron men attacked and again and again they found naught a single way through his flurry of blows.

    He had taken Megatron down first. Parrying a strike from the Prime, he suddenly pulled the autobot towards him and used him as a launching pad to reach the Master of the Decepticons, who rained death from above. His axe left a vacuum in the air itself as it passed through and struck.

    One blow.

    It had only taken one blow to bring the great Megatron to his knees. He looked up into the eyes of the lord of death itself, and then he begged for mercy. But the Lumberjanko had no mercy in him that day. He had already spared too many and the one kneeling before him had performed too many atrocities to be forgiven. With a yell that echoed from Cybertron to Illinois, he thrust his bare hand into Megatron’s chest and ripped out his sparking heart. Which was three sizes too small due to a mix up in supply.

    Turning, he heaved the blackened organ through the air where it struck Optimus in the cheek. The Lumberjanko charged, turning aside Prime’s weapons and ripping the heart from the autobot’s face. Taking a moment to compose himself, the Lumberjanko then punched Megatron’s heart through Optimus Prime’s heart with such force that the two underwent nuclear fusion and annihilated everything within five miles, leaving only the Lumberjanko standing, the AllSpark in hand.

    And so ends Episode 1, The Spark Inside.
     
  2. jcsd
  3. May 12, 2013 #2

    jedishrfu

    Staff: Mentor

    A most remarkable feat of "legible-dermain".

    Keep on writing your stories are interesting.

    It reminds me of a news story where some famous author adds his friend to a story in a snarky way because he lost a sports bet as his friends team won some championship. I just cant remember who it was and google didnt help.
     
  4. May 12, 2013 #3

    Drakkith

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    Staff: Mentor

    Lol, what?
     
  5. May 14, 2013 #4

    jedishrfu

    Staff: Mentor

    It was an attempt at double entendre conflating legible domain with legerdemain with legible for your writing and domain for the transformers universe along with deception if that makes any sense. It did at the time I wrote it...
     
  6. May 15, 2013 #5

    Drakkith

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    Staff: Mentor

    Whew, over my head completely!
     
  7. May 15, 2013 #6

    jedishrfu

    Staff: Mentor

    Oh well, sometimes humor beyond all boundaries.
     
  8. May 31, 2013 #7

    Drakkith

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    Staff: Mentor

    The Saga of the Lumberjanko: Episode 2

    With the AllSpark in hand, the Lumberjanko set forth to gather the next vital piece for his creation. The sturdiest of containers in which to forge and hold his magnificent beans. Yet, here he reached an impasse. The Lumberjanko was ancient and wise; he had traveled the breadth of the known universe in his time, but he knew of no such material that could withstand the power of the beans forever. He strained his intellect, searching for some loophole that could possibly help, yet nothing came to mind.

    The Lumberjanko was powerful, wise, and had the lateral thinking of two engineers, three physicists, and a Russian salsa maker, yet he was not all-knowing. He may not have the answer, but he knew there was still one resource that may help. It was the grandest collection of knowledge in the universe; Hollywoodipedia.

    Consisting of a billion movies and webpages and holding ideas from thousands of years of history, Hollywoodipedia would have an answer.

    And so the Lumberjanko descended to Earth, where he sat on his golden throne in front of his platinum computer desk for months on end, watching and absorbing film after film and page after page. His bearded brain flexed its cognitive muscles, working overtime in an attempt to solve the crisis, and created so much heat his followers were forced to move him to a fortress in the arctic to keep him cool. There he remained in solitude until the day he saw Tony Stark create a new element to power his suit.

    That was the answer.

    If no material capable of holding his beans existed , he would create one. Applying the methods of statistical calculus, fluid mechanics, and an easy-bake-oven, he created his grand plan. Which tasted like cupcakes. Mmm...cupcakes...

    He rose from his throne, threw off the icy cloak of despondency that had gathered around him as he had worked, and leaped into the sky, taking off at ludicrous speed towards his destination. His plan would be tough. It would challenge him. But he would prevail. He must prevail. For the beans, for the universe, for the kittens.

    Ahead, his target came into sight. The dusty disk surrounding the super-massive black hole glowed as powers beyond imagination worked to tear it apart. The Lumberjanko gathered the powers within him and dove into the black hole, passing through the event horizon, to where no man has gone before.

    But he was no man. For had he been but a mortal human he would have perished long ago. No, he was the Lumberjanko. With a cry that somehow made it through the vacuum of space, out the event horizon, which not even light can pass back through, and echoed throughout space and time, he grabbed the singularity by its zero-dimensional balls and hurled it away at super-hyperactive speed. Like a medication-less ADHD child that just ate half a cake, the black hole tore through space, ripping apart everything in its path, until it came to something it couldn't overwhelm.

    An even bigger ultra-massive black hole. Ultras Destructus in Janko-latin of course.

    In a collision that threatened creation itself, the two celestial monsters annihilated each other, leaving behind only a barren cloud of dust. The Lumberjanko swooped in and quickly collected the ultra-rare material left behind.

    This was it. This was what he needed. He gently stashed the ultra-fine dust in his beard, where it would remain safe, and strode through space on his Silver Fox Moonboots towards his next destination. The one place where he could forge the cosmic dust into its proper shape.

    Mount Doom.

    Fin, Episode 2, Celestial Mechanics and Beards: A How-To Guide to Pampering Your Manly Mane Using the Power of the Stars Themselves.
     
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