Courses Struggle in Graduate Analysis course despite 'doing the right things'

[Nano-Passion]

TheEigenvalue,

I have been following this thread in the hope that everything would turn out alright for you. I'm extremely saddened that it didn't.

I don't have schizo-affective disorder and I have no idea what it is like for you. I do have my share of mental problems, and I do know how people react to it. It is indeed one of the last existing taboos. If people see somebody with a broken leg, then they help the person. But somebody like you - who has to deal with so much more! - it treated like dirt. This is not ok I've seen it happen before (in my own family) and it angers me to no extent.

I understand that your dream has been shattered by things you're not even responsible about. You never asked for bipolar disorder. You have the right on a normal life and on the same opportunities as everybody else.

But please, do not think you're worthless. You are absolutely not. You have your entire mental illness to carry with you. Most people wouldn't even be able to handle that! Most people life happy and perfect lifes with few worries at all. They don't know what it is to be mentally ill. They wouldn't be able to do the things you do. You're even capable of living an almost normal life! This is a very deep accomplishment!
Don't feel worthless. In my eyes, you are a hero. You are a victim of your own brain and you can handle things so good! I'm in awe of people like you, and I hope you will once get the recognition you deserve. I'm not kidding here or trying to make you feel good, I totally mean it.

Grad school didn't work out for you. But that doesn't mean your life is over! There are so many jobs out there that you can still do. You gave 2 options, but there is so much more that you can do. Take some time off and think about things. Talk to your psychiatrist. Talk to other people. You'll see that you have so many options left.

And there is no reason why you can't read math texts in your own free time. Not only professors get to do research. You can do research as well if you like it! Your job will not be what you imagined, but that doesn't mean that you can't do the things you like...

If you want, you can PM me any time you want. I'll even give you my e-mail if you want. If you want to talk, or if you feel bad, then don't hesitate to contact me!

There is not a single word here that I don't completely and utterly agree with. Well put.

 

[Sankaku]

Does anyone have any advice? Or even just any thoughts to share to try to comfort me in my time of need. Thanks.

The only thing I can say is hang in there. Life sucks right now, but the world will offer you other opportunities. If you genuinely want to learn, you can learn. It may not be in the grad program where you are now. It might have to be later, slower or somewhere else, but no one can stop you from taking one step at a time.

I feel for you. Just remember that there are always more options than you think in life. A Masters is just a piece of paper. Yes, it does allow you entry into some jobs, but it doesn't change who YOU are. Try your best not to let other people dictate your value.

 

[Nano-Passion]

The only thing I can say is hang in there. Life sucks right now, but the world will offer you other opportunities. If you genuinely want to learn, you can learn. It may not be in the grad program where you are now. It might have to be later, slower or somewhere else, but no one can stop you from taking one step at a time.

I feel for you. Just remember that there are always more options than you think in life. A Masters is just a piece of paper. Yes, it does allow you entry into some jobs, but it doesn't change who YOU are. Try your best not to let other people dictate your value.

Very wise words. OP, be careful not to fall trap to one idealism. There is so much other beauty to life, so many other fascinating topics. Pick up a book on neuroscience, if that doesn't give you an appreciation for life than I don't know what will.

http://www.closertotruth.com/

Click on the conciousness part, they have some very interesting videos!

You don't have to be a math wiz to feel good about yourself. If you lead a life full of wisdom you would be surprised how beautiful life can feel.

 

[TheEigenvalue]

Yes. The Schizophrenia-Family of mental illnesses (including my "Schizoaffective Type") is devastating in so many ways. I feel as though, perhaps if I was struck down by the disorder as a younger child, I would be 'used' to disappointment after disappointment. But the illness struck right at the peak of my academic successes. So that makes it so hard to process the consequences, like dealing with taking antipsychotic drugs.

As to the other members who know someone with this type of disorder, I feel for you and your loved one. Most people with these disorders are very strong-willed and will do anything they can to try to keep their heads above water. But with dealing with how frankly frightening the paranoia/hallucinations/delusions are, and then the cognitive dullness of being on an antipsychotic drug, many of us succumb to being apathetic and bitter. I hope that your loved ones can find something to be proud of, just like I am currently trying to find SOMEthing in my life that is 'important.'

It is just so hard, in this culture of 'greatness', 'excellence', and cut-throat competition, to have a disability that you simply cannot do anything about. The parts of my disorder like the depression and mood problems can be changed by things I DO (like psychotherapy and keeping a level head), but things like the bizarre symptoms and the medication side effects are just plain not in our hands.

I will say this: I now, more than ever, stick by my choice to take the antipsychotic drug as directed. Since this 'crisis' started, through now, I have been able to keep myself from simply falling into a deep depression or have my bizarre symptoms re-emerge. I actually saw my psychiatrist this morning and had a good meeting with him. He basically told me the same things most of you have said, about finding self-worth outside of academia, etc. He also slightly adjusted some of my other (non-antipsychotic) medications so that I will be less sedated and will be more resilient to any depression that could occur. However, we are sticking with the Zyprexa.

Interestingly, he did say that a new drug, Latuda (Lurasidone), is being put through the FDA process to seek approval for Bipolar Schizoaffective Disorder and will likely be available to me by next year. The doctor said that it has far less cognitive side-effects and less sedation, but just as much anti-psychosis power. So, at least whatever venture I decide to embark on next, perhaps I will be able to do better with this new drug.

Thanks for helping me through these rough times. Please continue to give advice if you so desire. It means a lot to me. Really.

 

[Functor97]

Yes. The Schizophrenia-Family of mental illnesses (including my "Schizoaffective Type") is devastating in so many ways. I feel as though, perhaps if I was struck down by the disorder as a younger child, I would be 'used' to disappointment after disappointment. But the illness struck right at the peak of my academic successes. So that makes it so hard to process the consequences, like dealing with taking antipsychotic drugs.

As to the other members who know someone with this type of disorder, I feel for you and your loved one. Most people with these disorders are very strong-willed and will do anything they can to try to keep their heads above water. But with dealing with how frankly frightening the paranoia/hallucinations/delusions are, and then the cognitive dullness of being on an antipsychotic drug, many of us succumb to being apathetic and bitter. I hope that your loved ones can find something to be proud of, just like I am currently trying to find SOMEthing in my life that is 'important.'

It is just so hard, in this culture of 'greatness', 'excellence', and cut-throat competition, to have a disability that you simply cannot do anything about. The parts of my disorder like the depression and mood problems can be changed by things I DO (like psychotherapy and keeping a level head), but things like the bizarre symptoms and the medication side effects are just plain not in our hands.

I will say this: I now, more than ever, stick by my choice to take the antipsychotic drug as directed. Since this 'crisis' started, through now, I have been able to keep myself from simply falling into a deep depression or have my bizarre symptoms re-emerge. I actually saw my psychiatrist this morning and had a good meeting with him. He basically told me the same things most of you have said, about finding self-worth outside of academia, etc. He also slightly adjusted some of my other (non-antipsychotic) medications so that I will be less sedated and will be more resilient to any depression that could occur. However, we are sticking with the Zyprexa.

Interestingly, he did say that a new drug, Latuda (Lurasidone), is being put through the FDA process to seek approval for Bipolar Schizoaffective Disorder and will likely be available to me by next year. The doctor said that it has far less cognitive side-effects and less sedation, but just as much anti-psychosis power. So, at least whatever venture I decide to embark on next, perhaps I will be able to do better with this new drug.

Thanks for helping me through these rough times. Please continue to give advice if you so desire. It means a lot to me. Really.

I would still be interested in seeing the exam. I mean, just out of interest.

Anyway if that's not possible, what do you think you will do next?

 

[deluks917]

I also would not mind seeing the exam.

 

[TheEigenvalue]

I will get it scanned by this afternoon. I just have to make sure that the professor has the exam posted on his website too (which he probably does) so that I am not releasing copyrighted material or anything.

 

[TheEigenvalue]

Here are the first three pages of the Exam in pdf format. Note that I messed up scanning and they need to be rotated to view correctly. Since Adobe Reader only allows you to view 'as is' I couldn't save a copy correctly oriented.

 

[TheEigenvalue]

This is the final page

The solutions are not posted on the professor's site yet.

 

[FactorsOf2]

Hi Eigenvalue,

I think you need to recognize that you have a _lot_ to offer the world and a lot to enjoy from life that has nothing to do with your job. You should start focusing more on hobbies, learning the maths that enjoy on your own, family, community etc.

People tend to have this idea that they'll have to work their job until they're 65 so it better be ideal ...this simply isn't true. Learn to live frugally to maximize savings, do not take on the typical consumer debt (e.g. auto loans) and invest wisely - you will be financially independent i.e. retired in less than twenty years, even on a high school teacher salary. Read up a bit on personal finance and "early retirement" for more info (there are some great blogs about this e.g. "Mr. Money Moustache" and "Early Retirement Extreme").

 

[Oriako]

I've followed along with this entire thread and I'm really saddened to hear that things did not work out. Don't fret through (well it is natural to fret), but don't dwell on it for years or something like that. You have still have a lot of potential and with your mental impairment I'm surprised that you made it as far as you did in the rigid and structured, "be normal or die" environment of academia. My father has Bi-Polar disorder and my entire family essentially has mental illness so I do understand your situation.

There are many opportunities for employment where you can have a comfortable life with a decent salary and just relegate mathematics as a hobby. You can still be incredibly committed to your work on mathematics and maybe even do research every once in a while. I know of a high school teacher who teaches AP Math (where I graduated from high school) who does some research on the side and publishes a paper or two every now and then. He teaches Grade 12 Pure Math, Grade 12 Applied Math, and AP Calculus, and continues along the lines of what he did his undergraduate thesis on (he never went to Grad school).

Do not think that being a high school teacher is a failure if you do end up going that route, and if you do not want to then don't! With an undergraduate degree in Mathematics there are many employment opportunities available for you!

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you continue to update this thread with what you end up doing or let me know sometime in a PM or e-mail. Let me know if you ever want to talk, I would be willing to help support you in any way that I could if you want someone to bounce math ideas off of or whatever!

 

[TheEigenvalue]

One good thing I have to report is that my professors have been really accommodating with me in this tough time.

They understand that I want to stay until the end of the Semester for the sake of my TA- students, so they have both told me that I don't really need to come to class if I am still feeling under-the-weather. That means a lot to me since, although I haven't gotten 'depressed' or 'psychotic' from all of the bad news, I certainly have been suffering and have been even MORE tired (if that is humanly possible...) than usual.

I feel better than last week, but I won't probably be back to the classroom until the end of the week. But I still teach my TA students since that actually takes my mind OFF of the hardships and makes me happy to see their smiling faces.

There is still no 'official' word as to if I need to take final exams or not, but everyone is being very kind to me, so I am happy. I think NO one in the department wanted it to end this way, but now that it is inevitable, they are trying to keep me happy and stress-free which is very kind.