PeterDonis
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love_42 said:I'm not sure why you guys feel that the deflection of light is terribly relevant for this discussion
Because you keep talking about it.
love_42 said:the confusion about which symbol is the gravitational field
There is no single quantity that corresponds to "the gravitational field" in GR. That's why, for clarity and precision, one should use math, not vague ordinary language, to describe what one is talking about.
love_42 said:the 'force' concept seems to be the most unambiguous thing to define
The way "force" is defined in GR, gravity is not a force; a force is something that is actually felt as a force. An object moving along a geodesic worldline, which is what you have been discussing, feels no force at all and is in free fall. So nothing you are discussing has anything to do with "force" in the GR sense.
You appear to be using "force" in a different sense, but that sense doesn't work for what you are trying to do. See below.
love_42 said:and the closest thing to the potentials are the forces, which are the gradients of the potentials
If the potentials in GR are the metric coefficients, their gradients can all be made to vanish at a particular event, or along a particular worldline, by an appropriate choice of coordinates. So the intuitive Newtonian idea of "the force is the gradient of the potential" doesn't work in GR.
Note that it doesn't work in general in electromagnetism either. The potential in EM is ##A_\mu##, but the force is not the gradient of ##A_\mu##, except in the special case of a static Coulomb potential.