Why Is This Girl Sending Mixed Signals?

[Psyguy22]

This girl is so confusing!

This Is kind of a long story.

So right before the school year started, me and this girl talked all the time. I really liked her and she said she liked me. After a few weeks Into the year, I asked her to be my girlfriend. And she said yes! But then she broke up with me the day before homecoming.. we still went homecoming togethet tho. I spent the next week asking her what went wrong, why she broke up with me. She said that the feelings just went away. And that maybe they would come back. So one day we were talking and I tried to get her back, and she flat out said, "I've moved on from us" that kinds ended It. We didn't talk for two weeks. She sent me an apology text and asked if we could hang out again. At the time, I didnt know she already had another boyfriend. When I found out, I was crushed again. But she said that she was going to break up with him soon. And she did and now we are talking all the time again. Except she doesn't want a relationship again for awhile. But we talk like we are a couple. And there Is another guy now that I am pretty sure he likes her. And she doesn't do anything to stop him from flirting. Right In front of me too..
So I'm not sure what to do about this. Can anyone help?
Thanks if uou have advice and a lot of thanks if you actually read all that!

 

[micromass]

She's clearly only interested in you as a friend. I doubt things will work on. Sorry I think it's best if you moved on and accept the fact that things won't happen (it's not easy, I know, I never really succeeded in doing this).

 

[JizzaDaMan]

I have a number of thoughts on this:

1) She has little respect for you, and has no wish to be in a long term relationship.
2) By coming back to her might make you seem a bit desperate.
3) If she really likes you and wants to be with you, then she will notice your feelings. If she doesn't then it might do some good to distance yourself from her: she likes you - she notices, she doesn't - she won't notice, your going to have to move on.
4) I've been here but under less intense situations. I overcame it by getting another girlfriend and moving on, but I still remained friends with her. If you don't want to forget about her, then perhaps you should talk to her about your feelings. If you talk to her, ask her for a definitive answer, don't accept a maybe.
5) My final piece of advice would be to just leave the relationship stuff and just leave it at friends. You'll still get to be with her and enjoy her company, and this has the advantage of a lack of the pressure of being in a relationship.

 

[micromass]

1) She has little respect for you

How did you conclude that from his post??

 

[Pythagorean]

Politely excuse yourself from her life. Politely. Being involved with her in any way is obviously not healthy for you.

 

[Psyguy22]

She's clearly only interested in you as a friend. I doubt things will work on. Sorry I think it's best if you moved on and accept the fact that things won't happen (it's not easy, I know, I never really succeeded in doing this).

The thing is that she said she would like to be with me, just not now because it would make her look bad (she broke up with him a week ago)

 

[JizzaDaMan]

micromass:

by the way she is keeping him unsure of the situation between them; lots of "maybe"s "for a while"s. Also the "apology text, 'can we hang out again'" i think that kind of thing gives mixed messages, and is harsh. I myself hate being in a situation where i don't know if a girl likes me or not, they lead you on and make you think they like you, and then they're like 'no, where did you get that idea from'

 

[Travis_King]

Do whatever you want. You're young. If it works out for a while, great. If not, oh well, not the end of the world.

She doesn't seem to give much value to her relationships, but what do we know about this stranger.

 

[Pythagorean]

I'm with JizzaDaMan, textbook case of string-along.

Either she's afraid of being mean, she wants a tag along, or we're wrong and she's genuinely confused and having trouble. I wouldn't hold my breath is all.

 

[micromass]

The thing is that she said she would like to be with me, just not now because it would make her look bad (she broke up with him a week ago)

OK, in that case, I do have to agree that she has little respect for you. Do like pyth said: remove yourself from her life, politely. I don't think the girl is very good for you and I think that you will be hurt more if you keep seeing her, even as a friend.

 

[Psyguy22]

1) She has little respect for you, and has no wish to be in a long term relationship.
2) By coming back to her might make you seem a bit desperate.
.

we have actually talked about being long term, and she said she could see us being long term.
And I thought about that, but I really care for her and don't want to lose the connection we had. But by no means am I desperate.

 

[Pythagorean]

we have actually talked about being long term, and she said she could see us being long term.
And I thought about that, but I really care for her and don't want to lose the connection we had. But by no means am I desperate.

But those are just words, maybe just a social lubricant. Judge people by their actions, I think.

 

[Psyguy22]

But those are just words, maybe just a social lubricant. Judge people by their actions, I think.

And I try to! We to the movies all the time and talk. We even have really long hugs.. she means apt to me. But maybe your right and she's just saying words.

 

[Angry Citizen]

Sounds like she just doesn't know what she wants. I'd back off. Don't dump her out of your life, but just.. back off. Significantly. Can't make yourself too available or she'll just dilly-dally. If she thinks you're going to move on, then she'll make her decision one way or another. Either way, things will be clarified.

 

[Pythagorean]

I'm sure she appreciates the attention and companionship, but maybe more in a using way than a mutual way, you know? That's just how it seems from the outside, hearing it in text.

 

[Andre]

This Is kind of a long story.
So I'm not sure what to do about this. Can anyone help?

Yes, most likely she is just confused

you really should give her the benefit of the doubt. Just be patient and understanding. It might be very rewarding.

 

[Psyguy22]

Yes, most likely she is just confused

you really should give her the benefit of the doubt. Just be patient and understanding. It might be very rewarding.

That's what I'm kinda going for. But how long is to long?

 

[micromass]

That's what I'm kinda going for. But how long is to long?

If the situation is hurting you, then it is already too long. You do not want to be hurt by love for a long time.

 

[Psyguy22]

micromass:

by the way she is keeping him unsure of the situation between them; lots of "maybe"s "for a while"s. Also the "apology text, 'can we hang out again'" i think that kind of thing gives mixed messages, and is harsh. I myself hate being in a situation where i don't know if a girl likes me or not, they lead you on and make you think they like you, and then they're like 'no, where did you get that idea from'

So what exactly should I do? I told her awhile ago that I would never just "stop" everything with her. She's had that done to.her a lot and I would hate to just be another guy that did that to her

 

[Andre]

That's what I'm kinda going for. But how long is to long?

I guess you're young. Patience for confused people to settle back is measured in several months maybe over a year. Really not a lot on a life time.

 

[arildno]

Boys are simpler creatures. Stick to them. (They are cuter as well, IMO)

 

[Psyguy22]

Uhh. I'm a dude.. Haha. Thanks for the tip tho!:p

 

[arildno]

Uhh. I'm a dude.. Haha. Thanks for the tip tho!:p

I'm also a--dude. I'm just being of the rational dudish 1-2% For the rest of you dudes: you deserve whatever problems you have with those strangenesses you moan about, and I have no compassion with you (it's just your own fault). I'm merely stating the obvious

 

[micromass]

I'm also a--dude. I'm just being of the rational dudish 1-2% For the rest of you dudes: you deserve whatever problems you have with those strangenesses you moan about, and I have no compassion with you (it's just your own fault). I'm merely stating the obvious

Or if you want to be completely problem-free: don't have any relationships

 

[Psyguy22]

I have thought about! Never followed through though.. easier said then done right?

 

[Andre]

I have thought about! Never followed through though.. easier said then done right?

Don't get upset. You're a good guy, really, you can do it. Just a little patience.

 

[arildno]

Or if you want to be completely problem-free: don't have any relationships

Yes. Boys are mean, they as well. In an uncomplicated, STUPID and blunt manner. Rude, too.

 

[Drakkith]

Talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Tell her that she is confusing you, but you understand and accept it and don't hold it against her. Realize that it is pretty much guaranteed that feelings will confuse people, and will do so often. It's ok if she is confused, it is often very difficult to sort out what you really want from what you think you really want. Sometimes you have to bite the bullet and be unhappy in the short term to make sure you are happy in the long term. Time and experience makes it easier to sort things out and be able to resist certain emotions that you know won't lead anywhere. (Or at least time and experience CAN make it easier)

Also, what do YOU want to do? Do you want to wait on her? Do you think it's healthy for you to be confused all the time about this? That's the key here I think. It isn't JUST about her, it's also about you. You may have told her you wouldn't break things off, but if SHE cares about YOU then she should be willing to accept it if that's what you decide. Relationships are not one way streets, she must be willing to give as well as take.

 

[arildno]

"Talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Tell her that she is confusing you, but you understand and accept it and don't hold it against her. Realize that it is pretty much guaranteed that feelings will confuse people, and will do so often. It's ok if she is confused, it is often very difficult to sort out what you really want from what you think you really want."

What complicating nonsense.
Just call her a disgusting piece of obfuscating crap, not worth wasting your time on.

 

[Drakkith]

What complicating nonsense.
Just call her a disgusting piece of obfuscating crap, not worth wasting your time on.

People are complicated.

 

[Psyguy22]

I'm trying drakkith, we've talked about it before, but it never goes anywhere. I'll try to talk to her tonight and finally make a decision on what I should do.
And arildno, I would appreciate it if you could find something positive to say.

 

[Pythagorean]

Proton!

 

[drizzle]

Proton!

 

[lisab]

Psyguy22, it seems like nearly everything about this relationship is on *her* terms. Are you OK with that? It doesn't sound fair to me.

 

[arildno]

Psyguy22, it seems like nearly everything about this relationship is on *her* terms. Are you OK with that? It doesn't sound fair to me.

Women aren't fair.

 

[Psyguy22]

Psyguy22, it seems like nearly everything about this relationship is on *her* terms. Are you OK with that? It doesn't sound fair to me.

I don't know... maybe? Its usually easier I guess. If I.try not to control much, she won't get mad/ upset etc.. right?

 

[Pythagorean]

they have to sit down to pee too, lol

 

[Evo]

I'll be positive. I'm positive you should break things off.

 

[drizzle]

You seem to have lots of buts yourself too, Psyguy22.

It's really up to you, do accept to be in a 'confused' relationship and deal with whatever comes up? - doesn't sound good from what you tell.

 

[arildno]

they have to sit down to pee too, lol

They OUGHT to.
Right here in Oslo, in the middle of a well-frequented pedestrian street, I've witnessed that a drunk woman did not. A disturbing sight, for the rest of us

 

[drizzle]

I'll be positive. I'm positive you should break things off.

You know Evo, a few necks need to be broken here..

 

[Drakkith]

I don't know... maybe? Its usually easier I guess. If I.try not to control much, she won't get mad/ upset etc.. right?

This is a bad way of doing things. It isn't about control, its about compromise and common ground. If she doesn't want to do anything you want to do, then she isn't for you. And you aren't helping her or yourself by just letting her do whatever she wants and not have to think about you.

 

[Psyguy22]

It's not that she doesn't want to do anything I want to, she doesn't want to.put a label on us.. I think its because she still wants the freedom to talk and flirt with other guys..

 

[Evo]

It's not that she doesn't want to do anything I want to, she doesn't want to.put a label on us.. I think its because she still wants the freedom to talk and flirt with other guys..

Definitely drop her as a romantic interest. You asked.

Find a nice girl that wants you.

 

[Drakkith]

It's not that she doesn't want to do anything I want to, she doesn't want to.put a label on us.. I think its because she still wants the freedom to talk and flirt with other guys..

Well, it's up to you. She obviously isn't ready for a real relationship. So the issue is what do YOU want to do? Do you want to be in a relationship with her or not? If you aren't sure, then do yourself a favor and drop it, as not being able to decide means that you aren't ready yet in most cases.

 

[Evo]

To paraphrase an old saying

"When one door closes, another one opens. But we tend to look so hard and for so long at the door that has closed, that we fail to see the one that has opened to us."

 

[seaofghosts]

Coming from a girl who dated a lot between ages 19 - 22, she sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. You're not the kind of person she wants to be with right now, but that doesn't mean she doesn't respect you. She probably "treats" you like you're in a relationship because she needs the support. She already set the boundary in terms of a relationship, which is why she let someone flirt in front of you (which, honestly, what did you expect her to do? stop him and be like "dude this is my ex, quit flirting with me, he might be sensitive"?). At this stage in her life she's probably going to be flaky when it comes to guys until she settles in and figures out what she really wants (which could take years).

My suggestion is to either be her friend if you think she'd be a good one, or write her off.

 

[Pythagorean]

To paraphrase an old saying

"When one door closes, another one opens. But we tend to look so hard and for so long at the door that has closed, that we fail to see the one that has opened to us."

Or sometimes we have two open doors and we try to keep them both open without going in either of them and we get our fingers slammed in both (opportunist option).

 

[Crake2]

Or sometimes we have two open doors and we try to keep them both open without going in either of them and we get our fingers slammed in both (opportunist option).

To paraphrase an old saying

"When one door closes, another one opens. But we tend to look so hard and for so long at the door that has closed, that we fail to see the one that has opened to us."

Why does when a door closes, another one opens?

I never found the door that opens. I think what we have is a big number of opened doors and as life goes by, more and more close.

 

[E_M_C]

@Psyguy22

This girl you're stressing over has no respect for you because you're too available. You're another willful victim in her never-ending emotional game. Stop making yourself available, stop playing her game. The next time she tries to engage you, don't be reactive. Women don't like it when guys act emotional or needy, it's unattractive. You have to send the message that you have more important things to do.

Example phone call/text:

Her: Wanna hang out this Friday?
You: Maybe.

Her: Wanna go to a movie?
You: I've already made plans, maybe another time.

Her: Can we meet up? We need to talk mister!
You: We'll see.

Her: Hey, what are you up to?
You: I'm kinda busy, let me call you back.
(Don't call back)Do you see what's going on here? You can't allow yourself to commit to a definite answer. It doesn't matter whether or not you say "yes" or "no" or "I'd love to see you this Friday" or "I never want to see you again", because the end result will be the same: She'll know that she has the ability to sway your emotions, and thus continue to treat you like a pawn in her game. Instead, you send the message that she has no impact on your life whatsoever by staying neutral, nonreactive, unavailable.

That's the microcosm. Here's the macro: You're too young to be in a relationship right now. You need to work on your social skills with the opposite sex: ask girls out to the movies, go to parties, go out with a group of friends, mix it up. After you have some experience under your belt (no pun), you'll be a better judge of character and you'll be able to discern whether or not a particular girl is worth your time and effort.