Girl in physics and I hate the attention :[

[MissSilvy]

Current junior in physics at a pretty well ranked university, but our physics department has an 11 to 1 ratio of men to women. I don't feel academically intimidated or opressed or anything but I HATE that I can't ever get along casually with my fellow students. The two girls I see sometimes and myself get along fine, but every single time I try to put together a study group or just hang out in the physics lounge with a few guys, it always turns into this awkward unreciprocated attraction. Literally, without exception so far. Which leads to poor nerdy guys working up to courage to awkwardly ask me out to get a coffee sometime and me gently saying no, but by then the friendship is shot.

This is in no way to be constructed as "Haha, I'm so good looking that everyone wants me!" because just having a pair of breasts seems to do the trick, but come on now. This situation is getting ridiculous. I don't want to date, I don't have time to date, and I am not attracted to any of them. I want a few people I can hang out with, talk about physics, and possibly moan about classes. It's going to be a lonely two years if this keeps up and I'm not looking forward to that :( Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[magpies]

Have you considered they would be ok with not dating? What I mean is these guys that are trying to get you to go drink coffee with them might actually be ok with not dating and actually just hanging out/working on school stuff. I'm sure they will still have the desire to hook up as that is just natural for people but they can probably look past it if your lucky.

Of course guy/girl relationships are of a different nature then say a group of girls getting together. So really if you want people to talk about stuff with the internet might be a good choice.

However making friends is a big part of school and thouse friendships can pay off later on so I would suggest you not go with the "No." and end of relationship route.

 

[MissSilvy]

I have considered that they may not be asking me out, but the couple times I accepted, it was quite obviously a precursor to a date. It's not just coffee, it's various things and a girl can tell, believe me. I'd be delighted just to get coffee and chat if it were just that; caffeine and conversation not "Do you want to go to dinner this weekend?"

I agree, friends are a big part of school and that's the main reason why I posted this thread. I have lots of friends in tennis, in math, in other areas but none in the thing I spend most of my day on.

 

[Lacy33]

Many years ago I studied in a field nontraditional for woman and in fact where I studied it I was the only woman.
I bought myself a cheap wedding ring and just acted married.

 

[magpies]

Well I was just suggesting you make it clear to the guys that you arn't going to date them and are just looking for a friendly conversation. Actually know what I take it back... I think the internet is about your only hope because I was just saying that stuff because it's like what "could" work but in all realness it won't. I'm sorry but your right having a conversation with a guy about physics when your a girl is probably impossible irl.

You should get a shirt that says "hermaphadites own" that way they will all stop talking to you.

 

[cronxeh]

So.. dinner.. coffee.. sex.. are all bad things? The question herein is whether there is something wrong with either dating a nerd, or enjoying the finer things in life. So you are suggesting that these disheveled, foul smelling nerds are not your type?

 

[turbo]

When I entered engineering school, there were 5 women in a freshman class of over 300. There was one particularly smart lady whose dorm wasn't too far from mine. I would like to have studied with her, and bounced ideas around. We had similar schedules, so we could have met and discussed the days' lectures, etc over coffee at the Union. Unfortunately, she was quite stand-offish, despite the fact that I already had a "significant other".

I know this probably doesn't help, MissSilvy, but there are probably some quiet, geeky types who would like to have discussions about your course materials without getting personally involved. I tried hooking up with some larger study groups, but that didn't work out. Too many "members" of those groups were looking for help without making contributions of their own, and that's a waste of time for people who are capable and diligent about getting the work done.

 

[MissSilvy]

So you are suggesting that these disheveled, foul smelling nerds are not your type?

Not at all, providing they have a passing familiarity with soap and water. I just do not enjoy relationships as such. What can I say, some people are romantically inclined and some aren't and I just happen to fall into the latter category.

but there are probably some quiet, geeky types who would like to have discussions about your course materials without getting personally involved.

Good afternoon turbo! I would love to just find these types, is the main issue. Granted, I haven't been involved in the department all that much until recently, so it's more than probably that I'm missing a few gems. I don't know how else to state my problem without coming off as someone with an inflated opinion of themselves but this has been quite common and quite annoying. I guess I'll just have to look harder from now on. Or pretend I'm a lesbian. Either one! :P

I bought myself a cheap wedding ring and just acted married.

Cute idea :) I'd love to, but I look about 13 years old. The minute stature doesn't help at all, I'm afraid heh.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Current junior in physics at a pretty well ranked university, but our physics department has an 11 to 1 ratio of men to women. I don't feel academically intimidated or opressed or anything but I HATE that I can't ever get along casually with my fellow students. The two girls I see sometimes and myself get along fine, but every single time I try to put together a study group or just hang out in the physics lounge with a few guys, it always turns into this awkward unreciprocated attraction. Literally, without exception so far. Which leads to poor nerdy guys working up to courage to awkwardly ask me out to get a coffee sometime and me gently saying no, but by then the friendship is shot.

This is in no way to be constructed as "Haha, I'm so good looking that everyone wants me!" because just having a pair of breasts seems to do the trick, but come on now. This situation is getting ridiculous. I don't want to date, I don't have time to date, and I am not attracted to any of them. I want a few people I can hang out with, talk about physics, and possibly moan about classes. It's going to be a lonely two years if this keeps up and I'm not looking forward to that :( Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I am afraid you are their wet dream: a girl who can understand what they're talking about, and doesn't look down on them merely for being geeky. Being a science geek is like living in a cage without bars, a cage that separates you from the opposite sex. You've gone into the cage and you're waving raw steaks in front of starving lions.

 

[Borek]

just having a pair of breasts seems to do the trick

Have you considered cutting them off?

 

[Lacy33]

I am afraid you are their wet dream: a girl who can understand what they're talking about, and doesn't look down on them merely for being geeky. Being a science geek is like living in a cage without bars, a cage that separates you from the opposite sex. You've gone into the cage and you're waving raw steaks in front of starving lions.

Well Mr Shoe, I'm sure that made things all better and a real comfort there for MissSilvy.
Maybe she will make friends with someone over in Chemistry and develop a little something to tame the wild beasts. I suggest Resperadol or Haldol. It's already on the market and she can have regular coffee with the little darlings every day. While they are sitting in the library drooling and not because of her she can have her way with the cute librarian.

 

[Lacy33]

Have you considered cutting them off?

Oh, I think rather have the boys fixed.

 

[magpies]

Wow borek :/

 

[Tedjn]

Wow, I don't have much to add; nonetheless, following this entertainment with rapt attention. By the way, I also guess I'm not immune, because the title of this thread caught my interest :)

 

[Lacy33]

MissSilvy, You Go Girl. Be your own woman. Side step the boys and wait for a man if you think you want that later. Stay focused and if you have to, study alone, Do It! I had to. It's not so bad.

 

[magpies]

Ya but just remember your chances of getting a good guy go down the longer you wait. When your 45 and living in your house with 8 cats you will look back and wish you had taken one of those nerds up on a date! I'm just playing of course.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Well Mr Shoe, I'm sure that made things all better and a real comfort there for MissSilvy.

I have no words of comfort. She just has to face and accept the facts: a girl walks into a den of lonely geeks, she's going to get attention.

Maybe she will make friends with someone over in Chemistry and develop a little something to tame the wild beasts. I suggest Resperadol or Haldol. It's already on the market and she can have regular coffee with the little darlings every day. While they are sitting in the library drooling and not because of her she can have her way with the cute librarian.

Sounds like you are projecting your own desires onto Silvy, who actually said:

I just do not enjoy relationships as such. What can I say, some people are romantically inclined and some aren't and I just happen to fall into the latter category.

 

[Antiphon]

Listen to the wedding ring post. It's your only hope. The geeky nerds will consider you off limits and you'll get much more normal reactions from everyone.

 

[rewebster]

don't say that you're married---just say that you've got a boyfriend already, and that you have to study

 

[magpies]

It's an ok idea but then again you'll end up having to lie to every guy you meet not worth it imo. Honestly I think you should give the guys a chance but just make it clear your not willing to date.

 

[rewebster]

"Physics" is her boyfriend

 

[lisab]

It's an ok idea but then again you'll end up having to lie to every guy you meet not worth it imo. Honestly I think you should give the guys a chance but just make it clear your not willing to date.

Yes, I heartily agree - just tell it like it is. It may mean there will be an awkward moment or two, but honesty is the best way to handle this. Use straightforward, look-in-the-eye directness.

 

[rewebster]

Yes, I heartily agree - just tell it like it is. It may mean there will be an awkward moment or two, but honesty is the best way to handle this. Use straightforward, look-in-the-eye directness.

Its a nice thought, and if they (the male students) were older, that may work.

I doubt even if she says that she doesn't want to date, it not going to help though. Hormone driven young men and boys are driven to any free and available women, like moths to a flame.

 

[rootX]

Current junior in physics at a pretty well ranked university, but our physics department has an 11 to 1 ratio of men to women. I don't feel academically intimidated or opressed or anything but I HATE that I can't ever get along casually with my fellow students. The two girls I see sometimes and myself get along fine, but every single time I try to put together a study group or just hang out in the physics lounge with a few guys, it always turns into this awkward unreciprocated attraction. Literally, without exception so far. Which leads to poor nerdy guys working up to courage to awkwardly ask me out to get a coffee sometime and me gently saying no, but by then the friendship is shot.

This is in no way to be constructed as "Haha, I'm so good looking that everyone wants me!" because just having a pair of breasts seems to do the trick, but come on now. This situation is getting ridiculous. I don't want to date, I don't have time to date, and I am not attracted to any of them. I want a few people I can hang out with, talk about physics, and possibly moan about classes. It's going to be a lonely two years if this keeps up and I'm not looking forward to that :( Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

MissSilvy, you seem to have an unhealthy obsession with this topic or so I believe.

 

[turbo]

Honesty helps. When I started at the U of M, I would sometimes take my guitar along to fill empty moments. One day, a very attractive woman parked herself in the love-seat across from me in the Union, and made positive comments. A while later, another woman swung in and started hugging up with the first lady. They were both very attractive and very friendly. After a bit, an old friend of mine (who was flamboyantly gay) dropped in, and we talked a bit. The ladies thanked me and moved on, and my friend burst into laughter. The ladies were the president of the Wilde-Stein club and her lover, and they liked teasing straight guys.

My friend died of AIDS eventually. He was a sweet person, and through him I met tons of people who loved art, music, cooking, etc.

Relative to the OP, I never had an uncomfortable moment deflecting romantic interest from my friends' associates.

 

[Tedjn]

I doubt even if she says that she doesn't want to date, it not going to help though. Hormone driven young men and boys are driven to any free and available women, like moths to a flame.

I don't see why not. I may be hormone driven but will respect the fact that a girl isn't looking for a relationship, if made clear. It's probably the case for most people, and the others she can stay away from.

 

[rewebster]

I'm just going by what the OP said:

"...it always turns into this awkward unreciprocated attraction. Literally, without exception so far. Which leads to poor nerdy guys working up to courage to awkwardly ask me out to get a coffee sometime and me gently saying no, but by then the friendship is shot. "

 

[magpies]

I'v seen many a girl tell a guy she's not into them only to see the guy redouble his effort to get laid.

 

[ice109]

i hated all the kids in my major (they were all exactly the same smelly socially inept nerds) and I'm a guy! do what i did: go explore what the rest of campus is like.

undergrad discussions are pointless anyway and you shouldn't be moaning either.

 

[Tedjn]

That's too bad; yes, I'm sure there are those sort of people out there, but I haven't really seen any of that from the guys the OP mentioned. Sure, they ask her out, but I don't see how that's not normal. Maybe a better question is to ask why the friendship is shot after such an encounter. If those guys just point blank refuse to talk to her again (out of embarrassment, anger, whatever), then those people probably aren't the type she wants to be around anyway. Or maybe it's just the immediate post-rejection awkwardness that can be put behind with more effort. I wouldn't know. Another option is to make it clear up front that coffee doesn't mean a date before the guy asks.

EDIT: Also, I don't know where you guys go to find all these smelly people. I've met many people, some more socially awkward than I and some less, but rarely have I come across people that smell that bad. Maybe I'm just more tolerant or too sheltered?

 

[ice109]

i took a picture of a student in one of my classes one day to show to people who would ask what it's like to be a physics major - the kid was picking his bare feet in the middle of e&m lecture!

 

[Tedjn]

Off topic, but if I understand you correctly, you are saying that you have not met a single physics major as hygienic and social as you...? Tough luck if so.

 

[shelovesmath]

Just give them a pity *&^%.

No, seriously, I'm not sure how to deal with this. I made one male friend in my Calc class that didn't act awkwardly around me.

Good luck.

 

[jreelawg]

Hey you sound like a cool chick. Want to go gets some coffee sometime?

 

[stevenb]

It's going to be a lonely two years if this keeps up and I'm not looking forward to that :( Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

This is definitely a tricky situation, but I'll try to give you some perspective. I think very few people make friends with everyone in their department. Personally, I have very few real friends in life, and I think this is true of the majority of people. You're too young to realize this perhaps, but later you will know your real friends because they will stay friends for life. The friendship may take the form of a phone call every year, and a visit every 5 years, but the bond will stay intact. Trust me, there will only be a handful of these friends when you someday make a final reckoning.

So what practical advice can you take from this. There is 1 woman for every 11 men. So, try to make friends with 1/11 of the men (choosing the most promising from the bunch) and try to make friends with all of the women. Note that I said TRY. Then just accept whatever number of friends you end up with from this subgroup. Whether that ends up being zero of them; or all of them; or something in between, ... well, that's life. If you end up with too few friends with this method, there are other places to make friends at a University.

 

[Pengwuino]

My friend died of AIDS eventually.

... What the hell? Why did you throw that in?? Normally I'm not the type to say anything but good lord, that was the most random killjoy statement I've ever seen thrown into a post. :

As for the OP... you just got to suck it up and deal with it. As for whoever says just have sex with them, that is the stupidest idea I've ever heard in my life. I'm sure you're smart enough to realize what would happen to a bunch of lonely guys if they find out there's another physics major who just has sex with people they aren't in a relationship with.

The fake ring idea is possibly a good idea depending on whether or not you'd feel bad about lying. There's always the risk of people finding out and losing respect for you, but then you have to ask if you even care about being respected by such people. I think most people who have any control of their mental facilities would understand why a girl would do something like that in such a situation. At least I think that would be the case... personally, though, my department's single males can be counted on your hand so I'm not sure how well I can gauge your situation. Unfortunately, the guys I know can be very pathetic and imagining an entire department full of guys like that would be... frightening. Amongst other things, I wouldn't think the fake ring trick would even work!

 

[TMFKAN64]

You might be one woman surrounded by a group of 11 men, but statistically, one of them is probably gay. Figure out which one, and invite him for coffee and geek out all you want.

 

[JRDunassigned]

MissSilvy,

I was wondering if... maybe... you know if you have the time... well...

 

[PaulS1950]

As a minister I counsel couples. I have a few pre-marital questionaires that you could use to send most of the guys running but you might find compatible partners too. It might just be easier to be rigidly straight with them and tell them exactly what you are and are not interested in doing within the limits of your relationship with them. There will be some that will think this is just a challenge but after repeated cold shoulders they will usually move on to easier targets. Set your boundaries and keep them constant. Be assertive without regard for their feelings - if you have to do that they aren't listening to your feelings anyway. If all else fails get sidekick and keep her with you anytime a situation might be a problem. It would have to be someone you can trust completely and someone you know has no feelings for you other than that of a friend.
I wish you well in this matter (this is where I usually say, "If you need to talk my wife and I are available") but this is a bit of a blind encounter and you have no way to know whether I am who I present or not. See if there isn't a counsellor or pastor locally that you can talk with and exchange ideas with until you find your solution.

 

[Norman]

My suggestion: find the guys who already have girlfriends.

We do exist (or I did exist... since I am far removed from undergrad life) in the undergrad physics world. Not all physicists are the cliche nerds and odds are that some out of the group do not hang out with the rest of the major also.

I was always very good friends with the fellow female physicists. I thought it was my winning personality, but maybe it was because I was engaged or married (depending on the time frame) and I didn't pose the threat of the awkward "wanna go to dinner with me" moment.

Just a thought.

 

[Pattonias]

Many years ago I studied in a field nontraditional for woman and in fact where I studied it I was the only woman.
I bought myself a cheap wedding ring and just acted married.

I knew it knew it! To how many other girls have you passed on this tactic? They all can't be married.

 

[jreelawg]

For me, the more I try to get a girl to like me, they don't. The less I act interested, the more they like me.

What you should do to win miss silvy's heart, is act like you are not at all interested in her. Be a good friend, but never let her think you like her romantically. At the same time, make sure that she knows your strait. Talk to her a few times about other girls you think are attractive. She will already be your friend at this point, and she will wonder why you don't like her romantically. Girls in this position will usually try and seduce you like it is some kind of challenge.

Or you could shave your beard, and lay out in her office with a broken back, like in something about mary.

 

[waht]

For me, the more I try to get a girl to like me, they don't. The less I act interested, the more they like me.

What you should do to win miss silvy's heart, is act like you are not at all interested in her. Be a good friend, but never let her think you like her romantically. At the same time, make sure that she knows your strait. Talk to her a few times about other girls you think are attractive. She will already be your friend at this point, and she will wonder why you don't like her romantically. Girls in this position will usually try and seduce you like it is some kind of challenge.

Brilliant strategy.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Brilliant strategy.

It's strangely true. The girls who used to end up having a crush on me were the ones about whom I felt the most neutral. It seemed to constitute some sort of challenge for them to get me to consider them special, and they would, in fact, resort to seduction sometimes.

 

[cronxeh]

Its pathetic and pointless. Playing games with people's emotions has long term unforseeable consequences that you are not prepared for.

 

[stevenb]

Its pathetic and pointless. Playing games with people's emotions has long term unforseeable consequences that you are not prepared for.

I completely agree that this is true on a logical and intellectual level. However, romanance strategies and games are an instinctual behavior in humans. Those who don't play by the love-rules end up losing at love. This is why the saying goes that "all is fair in love and war".

But we are getting off the OPs point a little. She has made it clear that she wants to take a break from playing the love games. She is focusing on other things right now. Just as it's fair to use love strategies to win over someone you desire, it's also fair to be blunt and hurt feelings to rebuff someone making unwanted advances. We all do it occationally, and we all take it occationally. Then someday, we (hopefully) find the right person, and are a little wiser from the experiences.

 

[deRham]

"ust as it's fair to use love strategies to win over someone you desire, it's also fair to be blunt and hurt feelings to rebuff someone making unwanted advances."Honestly, I think this is less effective. Just don't acknowledge their advances much, and treat them as just offers to be friendly. Trust me, as a guy talks to a girl more and gets used to her, his hormones cool, assuming the girl isn't a big flirt. This whole "be assertive, and just study alone if you need" thing is missing what MissSilvy even wants. Awkward guys who get a little stirred up by the one girl in the room can be different if you give them some time and destroy the mystique behind the "cute girl in the physics department" figure.

 

[stevenb]

Honestly, I think this is less effective. Just don't acknowledge their advances much, and treat them as just offers to be friendly. Trust me, as a guy talks to a girl more and gets used to her, his hormones cool, assuming the girl isn't a big flirt. This whole "be assertive, and just study alone if you need" thing is missing what MissSilvy even wants. Awkward guys who get a little stirred up by the one girl in the room can be different if you give them some time and destroy the mystique behind the "cute girl in the physics department" figure.

That is good advice as long as the advances are not too aggressive and allow room to be friendly and to interact in a normal way. But, I'm assuming the advances are more bothersome, otherwise why would the problem rise to the level of asking the PF members for advice, and of generating a real fear of being lonely for the next two years?

Also, if you look at my previous post #35, you'll see that I don't suggest that she "be assertive, and just study alone if she needs". I think there is plenty of opportunity for her to make friends with a select group of people. That is, the people that will truly be her friends, which implies real Platonic affection without strings attached. These are people she may stay friends with throughout life, and this is an opportunity that should not be missed.

 

[deRham]

"That is good advice as long as the advances are not too aggressive and allow room to be friendly and to interact in a normal way. But, I'm assuming the advances are more bothersome, otherwise why would the problem rise to the level of asking the PF members for advice, and of generating a real fear of being lonely for the next two years?"

If they're really that bothersome, I agree - you have to avoid interaction with these people.

The reason I think they probably aren't all that bothersome is the following. First, if they were that bothersome, then asking for advice in PF is obviously not even a meaningful option - the best option is to run for it and forget about trying to make friends with a bunch of animals. Second, I highly doubt that a majority of physics majors at a well-reputed school would be hungry animals out to make threatening advances towards a girl. I imagine them to be nerdy types who see few females in their department, and are awkward around them and try to cozy up to them due to the ratio.

I agree about finding a select group of people - sorry, I didn't do a careful enough reading of all your posts to know your full point. What I mean is a part of that is to make a concerted effort to be friendly, even if things are awkward at first.

 

[stevenb]

... the best option is to run for it and forget about trying to make friends with a bunch of animals. Second, I highly doubt that a majority of physics majors at a well-reputed school would be hungry animals out to make threatening advances towards a girl.

I think we are in basic agreement, but I want to be clear that I wasn't claiming that they are this bad. Stalkers are a job for police advice and not PF advice. I just think that normal men can come across in a manner that makes a woman too uncomfortable. They can push too hard and then become defensive when the girl is clearly not interested.